'Eren.' Levi sighed, memories flooding his brain as if it was an attack- a tsunami. It pounded at him like a battering ram until he felt as empty as he looked. His eyes were swollen and his cheeks sunken. Tears stained his cheeks like paint, splattered inconsistently across his face and hands.

I wanna sleep next to you

Levi hadn't talked to Eren in weeks now. Not by Eren's fault, of course, it was Levi who hadn't visited. It had been even longer since they had talked face to face, not that could ever happen, anyway. Eren was simply stone and mud now, communicating wasn't as easy as it had once been.

But that's all I wanna do right now

Levi wanted to visit, wanted to lay a bed of flowers on his mound but he couldn't find it within himself to talk to the boy again. He had died too young and suddenly, Levi felt all too old. How was is it fair that Levi had reached the age of thirty and Eren hadn't made it to twenty? How was it fair that Levi had lost the shit-eating grin and those bright cerulean eyes? How was it that everything he cared about had gone?

And I wanna come home to you

'Eren, come home.' Levi whispered, his voice catching in the air and drifting away before anything more could be done. But, Eren would never come home. Dead was dead, that was a simple truth.

The question was, why couldn't Levi die instead?

But home is just a room full of my safest sounds

He snuck under the heavy blankets, wrapping himself in his own personal cocoon- hiding from the world outside. He felt like a child- a silly, little child. Maybe he was now, grief could have any number of effects on a man. Maybe childishness was the one that had been forced upon him. He wallowed in the fact, it seemed so disgusting yet so comforting. He wanted to be a child again. He wanted to have his mother by his side to comfort him. He wanted the privileges of having no fear of death, of himself or of others.

Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my 3AM shadow

Throwing the blankets off him, the thoughts dissipating, cold air hitting his legs like ice. He stumbled around not finding a light, therefore resorting to his phone torch, letting an eerie glow flood the room. The bathroom was only a few paces away, he could make it without falling. Yet, at 3am, he felt he couldn't trust himself to stay awake nor could he trust himself to even walk. All he could see was his shadow, looming in front of him, an enlarged version of himself. That was what he dreamed to be. A giant. He wanted to look down on those petty humans and laugh at their sadness. Laugh at another version of himself.

I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone

He gave up after two steps and fell back onto the comfort of the bed, letting his eyes flutter shut, the moonlight still shining upon his eyelids creating a white, ethereal glow in his vision. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to forget, he wanted to dream. He wanted to dream and think of better things. Better visions, better futures- a future with Eren. An alternate universe in which they stayed together forever, married with children and a smile on their face.

That wasn't going to happen to him now, was it?

I wanna sleep next to you

'I miss you, Eren.' He mumbled once again as if talking to the boy like he was just weeks ago as they lay across from each other on the bed, smiling and chatting away until the sun came up; Levi grimacing at Eren's bad attempts at flirting whilst Eren put up with Levi's constant complaining. They were a good match when it came to it. They had chemistry...they had love.

But that's all I wanna do right now

Levi let tears fall. It was too late, too private, to hold back. He didn't care even if someone did walk in yet he was glad for the privacy. He laughed through the tears, reliving the fond memories of the boy. He loved him, he really did...and he hadn't even said it.

He hadn't even said 'I love you'.

So come over now and talk me down

Levi grimaced as a pain his chest. It constricted tightly and he clutched at his throbbing heart. Was this what it felt like to have your heartbroken?

I wanna hold hands with you

Levi just wanted the simple things back. He wanted to hold hands, he wanted to kiss him on the cheek, he wanted to smile at his jokes but never laugh- just as Eren knew he would react. Levi wanted to throw insults at him again and watch Eren deflect them as if they had never been thrown in the first place. Levi wanted to smile again.

He simply wanted to smile.

But that's all I wanna do right now

He just wanted to smile.

And I wanna get close to you

He just wanted to see Eren smile.

Cause your hands and lips still know their way around

Levi wanted Eren back. He wanted Eren to trace his skin as he had done so many times before. He wanted people to know he was in love and that person was in love with him. He wanted to walk down the street hand in hand and laugh at the homophobic comments that were slung at them as they passed. They never cared, they knew they were happier than them anyway.

And I know I like to draw that line, when it starts to get too real

Levi had wished he had just said 'I love you'. It was so simple but he had drawn the line when it had gotten too real. It was always too much. Levi was too private, to concealed. And now, his only dream was to say 'I love you' one last time. Maybe he could.

But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal

But...he couldn't. He needed to move on and the more he went, the more steps back he took. This was helping him, right? This wasn't for nothing, right? He would live on happy, living sufficiently on his friends...the friends that he had never like.

He would live miserably, wouldn't he?

I wanna sleep next to you

Eren would have been home now normally. Despite them having separate apartments, Eren would always knock on his door at midnight and ask to stay. It had become a ritual for them. They both loved it.

Levi loved the way Eren pulled the covers over to his side. Levi loved the way Eren snored so quietly, so gently but still managed to make Levi laugh with the funny sounds. Levi loved the way Eren could make him laugh. Never intentionally, no Levi was to calm for that but those little details had always set him off, set his lungs on fire as he laughed. Eren loved it just as much as Levi did.

That feeling was magical.

He didn't have it anymore.

But that's all I wanna do right now

Levi wanted his old life back.

But no one can simply turn back time, that was the first impossibility mankind had faced.

So come over now and talk me down

'Eren, come back, even if you want to swap places, replace a life for a life, I'm willing. I'm crazy, aren't I? Talking at nothing as if you're right there. But, I believe, somewhere in me, that you are here. I may not be able to see you and you may not be able to speak but I know you're there. So, before it's too late. I love you, I love you so much.'

So if you don't mind, I'll walk that line

Blink once.

Blink twice.

Blink thrice.

Stuck on the bridge between us

'LEVI!' He screamed, pounding on the barrier- the wall that separated the dead from the living.

Gray areas and expectations

'I love you too!' He screamed, the tears spilling down his cheeks. He wanted Levi to hear it. He knew Levi would meet him soon but he couldn't wait. He wanted Levi to hear this...he wanted him to hear this now.

But I'm not the one if we're honest, yeah

But I wanna sleep next to you

And I wanna come home to you

I wanna hold hands with you

I wanna be close to you

But I wanna sleep next to you

And that's all I wanna do right now

And I wanna come home to you

But home is just a room full of my safest sounds

So come over now and talk me down

word count: 1753

published: 20.04.17