⊱La douleur exquise⊰

The heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable

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Guffaws convulsed my body and I nearly split my sides laughing. "I can't believe you actually insulted his grandma!"

Envy shoved me, nearly making me trip as I couldn't see where I was walking. "Oh shut up. I never learned Italian well and you know that."

"But you should be speaking every language fluently, genius. Didn't your lord give you that ability or what?"

He frowned with a small pout before walking off in front of me. "I panicked, okay?! That man was intimidatingly good looking and was trying to flirt with me... What was I supposed to do?"

"Flirt back?" I snorted.

Envy threw me the stink eye over his shoulder. "And you're God's favorite?"

"God loves each one of us equally." I shrugged. "Does Lucifer pick favorites?"

"It changes."

I nodded and followed him past dozens of houses of various vivid colors. When a sense of familiarity took hold of me as we walked the streets I used to skip down when I was alive, I recalled the memories buried deep within my heart. Time had blurred those memories but as my feelings were kindled once again, so was my past.

"There it is."

I snapped back to reality and followed his hand that pointed at a sign that said 'Crepuscolo' as we turned a corner. I never visited that restaurant but I let Envy take us somewhere for once after he complained about one of my restaurant choices. It wasn't my fault the salad had worms in it.

"Table for two."

We followed the restaurant employee to a table near the window and I took notice of how empty the place was, save for an old couple at the other end. The waiter came to place a basket of bread and butter before walking away.

"I guess since the restaurant's name is 'Twilight', there's almost no one around the morning?" I asked, tearing a small piece of the bread before eating it. "My! It's delicious!"

"I guess," Envy said, reaching for the bread, too. "Oh! Maybe we should just order more bread instead."

I chuckled with him before scanning the menu. All the familiar dish names made my laugh die down quickly and a dull ache to settle in my chest. They took me back to centuries ago, back to my family dinner table.

"Risotto alla Milanese," dad boasted as he placed the vibrant yellow dishes in front of mom and I with a grin.

"Is that alien language?" I giggled.

He ruffled my hair, laughing. "It's Italian, my sweetie pie."

"Oh! But then I only know pizza, dad. Is this good?"

"Your dad is a renowned cook specialized in European dishes," mom said, taking a spoonful with a smile. "No need to worry, Yuni."

"Of course."

I had forgotten how my father used to cook new dishes he learned during the weekends. I had forgotten the times we all laughed together, the warmth I would get, the homely taste and the wholeness of it all.

I had forgotten about missing them.

"Your order, Miss?"

When I came to, I realized that Envy had already ordered his food and he was waiting for me along with the waiter who looked worried about me.

"I'm sorry. Uh... I'll get..." I quickly scanned the menu once again before handing it to the waiter. "Carbonara. And Sprite. Thank you."

With a nod, he turned on his heels and walked away. I finally took a deep breath when he was gone.

"You good?"

Lifting my head up, I nodded with a tight lipped smile.

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"So pretty..."

Marveling at hundreds and thousands of designer clothes, I found fragments of my mother's styles and designs embedded in them. Even after centuries, her style inspired countless others and I never had the chance to witness it.

I didn't think about it.

"Such a talented woman," I whispered through trembling lips and hastily wiped a tear that slipped down my cheek. "I don't think I would have been as half as successful as mom. No, one tenth."

A while passed in doleful silence between Envy and me as I struggled to hold in my tears. Photographs of her fashion shows were up on displays and all the nights she would work on her new designs with me watching her with wonder came crashing down on me. All the times dad cooked her stress relieving desserts and nagged her to sleep. Mom would whine after gaining weight all the time but still ask for more.

"They're living well," I reminded myself when loneliness creeped up my heart. "They're living new life."

"Who knows..."

When I turned around to face him, I wasn't expecting to see his usual hard features softened so much, I had to do a double take. His expression saddened me even more.

"You were always so cooped up in your room with your little worn out sketchbook... No one knows what the future would have held."

The words that probably didn't hold any meaning to them still didn't fail to catch me in a trance. They echoed in my mind, setting off a ripple of regret and wonder.

'The future'...

The future that I destroyed...

The future that never came...

My eyes couldn't leave his smokey ones that pulled me in with a new yet familiar emotion swirling in them. Foolish yet hopeful, I sought something in them... A comfort I had long abandoned. Abandoned far too long to be seeking like this...

But it seemed as if comfort was all I needed.

A fleeting smile tugged my lips. "At least you're believing in me. I'm grateful for that."

As if my words snapped him out of a trance, Envy blinked a few times before clearing his throat with a slight nod. "Sure. And excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom."

After I nodded, he walked away, leaving me to roam through the stores alone for a while. The tension growing between us was something I was feeling anxious about and I thanked him for the space.

As I continued walking, I watched young girls whirling around in front of tall mirrors in their long white dresses. At the sight of the dresses, nausea threatened to hurl the carbonara I ate out of my mouth that tasted nothing but bitterness and misery. Comparing dresses to find the perfect one, the girls were scrutinizing themselves with such critical eyes.

I could see they were happy with their marriages.

I never cared about my wedding dress this much. I never cared about anything at all in my wedding.

I cared about the wedding less than the dress when I, in fact, absolutely adored wedding gowns. There was a time when my mom and I had sat together for days to design my wedding gown when I was in university.

The night before my wedding, I could only clutch the design in my arms and cry my eyes out.

My wedding was the second to worst day of my life...

It was the day I tasted how loss would be like.

"Seoyun."

Holding in my puke, I turned my head to the calming voice to find a curly peach haired angel. A broad grin instantly replaced my frown. "Anhye! What are you doing here?"

Even though I didn't see her for nearly a month, it definitely felt longer than that.

Patience beamed and gave me a quick hug. "Wish I was here to shop or anything else than my duties. Not that I need new clothes..." Furrowing her eyebrows as if she remembered something, she took a step backwards to take in my appearance. "How about you? Found anyone since we met last month?"

Sheepishly smiling, I bit my lips and dropped my gaze to the floor.

"Seoyun?" Her voice wavered and her soft hand took a hold of mine. "Please tell me you know what you're doing..."

"Of course I do," I breathed out a laugh. "Don't worry, Anhye. I'm just... taking it slow, wanting to feel what living used to be like..."

"And what good will feelings bring you...?"

Golden red gleams swirled in her usual gentle eyes as they kept me captive. The last time we met, she was rather... complacent.

"The times we were once humans are way behind in the past, Kindness."

I flinched at her formality. The way she addressed me by my title and dropped her tone made the words affect me more than I wanted.

"Please be level-headed... I don't want what happened to Jieun... to happen to you, too."

My breath hitched.

Jieun...

"Can you stop smiling so much?"

At the sudden outburst near us, both Patience and I turned to the lady who exclaimed out of nowhere just now. The young girl in wedding dress whirled around to face the lady with confusion marring her face, her smile falling in an instant.

"Mom... it's my wedding...?"

My insides crawled when her mother scowled further, almost snarling at her.

"I don't care! You're making your sister jealous."

"Ow." Patience scoffed, crossing her arms. "And she's supposed to be a mother?"

I balled my hands into fists in an attempt to calm my sudden rage. The nerve of the mother and the sister to be ruining her special day had my blood boiling. The way the bride's face fell and the way her eyes glossed over squeezed my chest.

There was no other female around them, so I was assuming the sister must had gone somewhere else until a younger girl walked to them from the corner of my eye with a sourness I wanted to wipe off.

Crossing her path, I moved my hand over her arm with the slightest brush of our skin and she dropped to the floor with a loud thud. The mother and the bride immediately spun around to see her with horrified eyes.

"Is it serious?" The peach haired girl whispered to which I sadly shook my head.

"Minor. Wish I could have done a more serious one."

She nodded. "I'll take care of the rest."

After she brushed past me, Envy walked towards me from his... break. He watched the chaotic scene of people crowding someone on the floor and a frantic old lady screaming at the others in sheer confusion.

"Unfortunately, nothing serious is happening," I explained, pulling his hand to the other direction. "Let's go."

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Dears, it's been so long!
I've been so busy lately with work and I just couldn't find the time to write, especially since I was so lost in life.

It feels good to write again ☺️