Ch.8: Julian 
I'm Getting a Little Tired of Waiting to Be Loved

It took Julian fourteen years of his life to understand that his parents would never love him. No matter what he did. No matter how hard he tried to please them, or make them proud, or excuse all the ways they hurt him. No matter how little space he took, how he never complained about anything ever, how silently he endured their beatings. 

He'd tried everything. 

And he got nothing in return. 

Nothing, nothing, nothing. 

Sighing, he sat down on the front-porch of their house, leaning his head against one of the beams connecting it to the roof overhead. He watched the rain patter and splash onto weed and grass and soil. The sky was dark and gloomy, with no stars in sight. 

His dad had asked him to fetch some wood from outside for the chimney, but when Julian returned, no one opened the door for him. He knocked, knocked, and knocked. No answer. He yelled for them. No answer. 

Only a few days ago, Julian would have smiled and tried to convince himself they accidentally didn't hear him. That they didn't mean to lock him outside all night. 

They did. 

They meant to. 

He accepted that now. 

It wasn't the first time, either. He'd gotten used to sleeping around outside. 

Branches creaked in the distance, and leaves rustled as the cold wind swept through them. 

Julian leaned forward just enough so he could reach past the porch and pick up a stone from the garden. He ran it between his fingers absently. Then he looked at his leg. 

He could imagine the scars underneath the fabric of his pants. Jagged lines criss-crossing his ankle, cutting his skin left and right. 

He remembered the way, one time, his dad had noticed Thomas freeze in place, breathless as he held his aching leg. 

And then next thing Julian knew, his dad grabbed him by the hair, threw him to his back, and bashed a stone over and over and over against his leg. 

It had startled Julian. The pain wasn't as intense as he'd imagined, or maybe he'd grown immune to it. As the stone struck his leg endlessly, as blood poured out, and skin tore apart, and his nerves raged and fired, all he could think was: Why? Why are you doing this to me? I don't understand. 

Then his dad said, “You did that to him! You should've ended up with that limp! Not Thomas!” 

And everything clicked. 

Julian suddenly understood why his mom constantly “accidentally” hurt him in all the places where Thomas was already hurt. He understood the obsession with scaring his shoulder, right where Thomas was scarred. He understood why she'd accidentally spilled boiling water and oil on his leg and belly. 

Because these were all Thomas's injuries. 

And she couldn't bear to look at Julian, healthy, happy, untainted.  

So Julian had done the most logical thing he could think of. 

He started replicating Thomas's scars on himself, on his own. 

His parents still weren't impressed. 

They still didn't love him

It drove Julian mad. 

Only the limp and the blind eye were missing now. 

Julian observed the stone in his palm, the specks of dirt tarnishing it, sharp edge to it 

Could he do it?

 Could he blind himself? 

Tomorrow morning, when his parents finally opened the door for him, if they saw his injured, bleeding eye, would they finally stop hating him? Would they finally love him? 

Was it worth a try? 

Julian tilted his head.

He laughed. 

No. 

It wasn't worth it — not because he'd lose his sight. Only because he knew they would still despise him. Their hatred ran too deep, Julian had finally realized. 

God, he wished losing his eye was all they needed to love him. 

He threw the stone as far as possible. 

The door behind him inched open. Julian's heart skipped a beat. He twisted around. His eyes widened, and then he smiled as he got to his feet.

“Tom,” Julian said. 

Thomas stood in the doorway. He only stared at Julian, his lips straight, his face entirely expressionless. 

As the years passed, that blank look in his eyes only grew emptier. Julian thought it was like gazing into a bottomless pit. Recently, he couldn't even find any ounce of comfort there. Not even that glance of pity. Maybe Thomas hated him too now. Julian's heart squeezed. 

He followed Thomas inside. When Thomas went into his bedroom, he started closing the door behind, but Julian desperately pressed his palm against it to keep it open. 

“Can I stay for a little while?”

Thomas didn't insist on closing the door; he just turned away and sat at his desk with one elbow on the surface, his hand in his hair, keeping his head tilted at an angle. His gaze was fixed to the mess of papers in front of him. 

Julian stood awkwardly in place for a heartbeat, then he moved closer. Thomas immediately hid the papers, scrunching a few in his palm, and pushing the others aside. 

Julian frowned. “What's that?” 

No answer. With a constricted chest, Julian backed away and sat on the edge of Thomas's bed. He played with his fingers on his lap. 

“Why don't you talk to me anymore?”

Silence persisted. Julian's heart sank until his ribcage felt completely hollow, an empty well. He missed the times when Thomas was more human than robot. Lately, Thomas spent his entire time in his room. He didn't speak to anyone at all. Maybe Julian had jinxed Thomas by comparing him to a robot in his head. He should've never done that. 

Thomas spun his chair around so that he could face Julian on his bed. “Do you know why they keep hurting you? Why Mom keeps trying to blind you? Why Dad nearly broke your leg last time?”

Julian nodded. 

“You do? Really?” 

Julian nodded again. 

Thomas touched his blind eye softly. “This was no one's fault. Not yours. But they'll keep blaming you for everything.”

“I know,” Julian said. “I'm fourteen, Tom. I'm not a kid anymore. I know.” 

“Why don't you hate them, then?” 

Julian smiled. “I do.” 

I hate them with all my heart. 

“You don't sound like it. You don't act like it.” 

“They'll hate me more if I do,” Julian said. “I think...” His shoulders heaved with a heavy sigh. “I still have hope they'll change.”

“Still? After everything they've done to you?” 

Julian hummed, absently tracing the seams of the blanket bunched up beside him. “You said it. It's not my fault. So maybe one day they'll finally realize that, right?” 

He looked at Thomas with all of what was left of his sanity. 

“Even if they don't, at least I have you, Tom.” Julian smiled, but his throat tightened. “They can hurt me all they want! It doesn't even hurt anymore.” He shrugged one shoulder. “It doesn't matter. I forget all about it when we solve puzzles together.” 

Thomas regarded Julian cautiously. His gaze was strangely careful, maybe a little apprehensive. 

“Get out.” 

Julian's heart dropped. “What?” 

“Go back to your room.” 

Julian tensed, his breath growing faster. “Why? Did I say something wrong?” Worry creased his eyebrows. “Sorry.” He didn't even know what his mistake was. “Sorry, Tom. I didn't mean to.” Please. I couldn't believe you started talking to me again. “I'll be quiet. I won't talk or move, I promise. But—” 

Nothing changed in Thomas's expression. This drove Julian crazy too sometimes, the way he could never even begin to understand Thomas's reactions. 

“Lian,” Thomas said, his voice soft. “Just get out.”

Lian. 

Julian's mouth curved into a small, hopeful smile, even as Thomas kicked him out. At least he still called him Lian! Maybe he didn't hate him. Maybe he just wasn't in the mood right now. That was fine. Julian could wait until Thomas felt better, and things would go back to normal.

Surely Thomas would feel better soon. Surely things wouldn't get worse. Julian glanced one last time into Thomas's room as he closed the door; he'd turned back to his desk, gazing at papers. Then he picked up a pencil and startled scribbling. 

Julian wondered what he was writing. 

• • •

sorry for the boring chapter! I just wanted to show you when exactly Julian started hating his parents and how badly they treat him :) . 

In the next Julian chapters (about Tom's death and how Julian gets involved in the cult etc..), Julian will start to behave more like the Julian you know in Lies and Damnation! So you'll see how his personality changes, the way he gets tired of being mistreated and starts expecting everyone to cater to his needs 💀 

Thank you for reading/voting/commenting! It means the world to me ❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

Here's a quick unfinished sketch from ch.19 of lies and damnation, when julian kidnapped and tied nicholas and Valentino. I made a silly little reel out of it, check my insta @ macy.writes if you wanna see it :)

And here's Valentino sticking his tongue out at you

(Obviously I'm not an artist I draw them just for fun)