Ch.24: Nicholas
I'm Not Traumatized, Okay?
NO I'M NOT. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED DIDN'T AFFECT ME! WHY WOULD YOU THINK I'M TRAUMATIZED?!

Seventeen-year-old Nicholas's entire living space was reduced to his bedroom. Until he could move out, he would not step foot anywhere else in the house—because leaving his bedroom meant stumbling upon his mom, and stumbling upon his mom meant watching her expression scrunch up into a snarl and her mouth spew the same baseless accusations again and again, even though it had been eight months already.

Eight months.

Was she not supposed to have calmed down by now? Wasn't rationality supposed to have returned to her by now? Wasn't she supposed to understand that Nicholas's father was a monster and deserved a lifetime of jail, not just twenty years?

Apparently not.

But it was fine. Really. Nicholas told himself he didn't care that much anymore; at some point he tuned out his mother's existence. He couldn't change her mind. He couldn't stop her from twisting the story and painting him the villain.

There were times when he thought what was left of his heart was going to explode if he heard one more word from her. So he didn't speak to her, didn't look at her, and when she banged on his door and screamed at him, he put on noise-cancelling headphones.

And he focused on the good parts.

Like the absence of his father.

Like never having to come back and find his room entirely re-arranged, even after he had begged his mom to stop doing this. She despised him too much to do that now! She wouldn't look at his face, let alone touch his furniture. So there was an upside to this.

He spent all day in his room, without disturbance, without worries, without fights, without shouting. Just him, just silence, just peace.

Between these four walls, nothing and no one could hurt him.

And Nicholas couldn't be happier.

• • •

Nicholas woke up to distant noises: muffled but sharp and messy, several voices speaking at once.

His heart skipped a beat.

His eyes snapped open, and he jolted upright and bolted to the door, his hands already shaking.

What happened now? How had he not woken up earlier? What if his dad killed his mom?

Frowning, Nicholas let go of the knob he had grabbed with all his power. He focused on discerning the noises, this time without the disorientation of sleep. Static accompanied the voices, so they were coming from the TV. His mom was probably watching the news or something.

Oh.

Nicholas stepped back.

Dad's in prison. Mom is alone here, he thought. I don't have to stop their fights anymore.

After returning to his bed, he checked his phone. Two in the morning. He plopped onto the mattress with a tired sigh, then lay down on his side, gazing at the sphere of soft yellow light that emanated from his bedside lamp and bounced off the wall. He'd heard that red light could help him sleep better, but that color just made him panic. He hated seeing it. So he settled with yellow.

When his father was still here, Nicholas kept a lamp on at night so he could get up and out faster in case a fight broke out at night and he needed to pull his parents apart.

But he didn't need that anymore.

Nicholas turned off the lamp. Darkness swamped the room, and he squeezed his eyes shut. He opened them again. The same degree of darkness greeted him—like having his eyes closed or open made no difference.

Oh, hell no.

Reaching an arm out from under the sheets, he frantically patted around the nightstand until he hit the lamp.

Yellow light cut through the black sheet that had engulfed his room and his sanity. His lungs released the stuttering breath trapped inside. Better, he thought.

And he slept.

In the morning, when the alarm blared, he frowned and furiously tapped his phone to make it shut up. He spent a few more minutes in bed, his face half buried in his pillow and one arm below it, battling himself to get up and get ready for school. Just the idea of going there dropped a heavy unease in his gut.

He had never liked school, but God had it gotten worse after throwing his dad in prison.

His mom spreading rumors about him “framing” his dad didn't help either.

No one believed that part, of course. Most people could tell she wasn't in her right mind.

But it made things awkward.

Students stared and whispered. Teachers definitely gossiped about the whole thing too, but they were more covert about it. They were gentle and cautious whenever they talked to Nicholas, like they were scared he'd break. Like he was fragile and miserable, like he needed their comfort.

Ew.

Why would anyone think he was sad?

His goal was to throw his dad in prison and he achieved it. It was great. He was fine. 

Nicholas dreaded the day ahead as he showered and got dressed, then continued dreading the day as he opened his bedroom door and headed towards the front door, then absolutely regretted dreading the day when his mom stepped out of the living room, because school might suck but he'd take it over another scene with his mom.

Looking away, Nicholas hurried to leave.

“Where are you going?”

Her voice was low and shaky today, her eyes red-rimmed and watery. Nicholas regretted looking at her. He should've kept his gaze away. Because he didn't feel bad. This sight did not affect him. He'd grown immune to her misery, and it made him feel like a monster.

“School,” he said. "Where else?"

“Could you stay a little?”

Nicholas shook his head. “I'm gonna be late.”

“Don't leave me. I don't wanna be alone.”

“I can't.”

“Please.” She stepped towards him, holding onto his arm. “Please just stay. I'm sorry. Do you hate me? I'm so sorry. You're my son.” Her smile was soft and her hand trembled as she reached for his face. Nicholas pushed her off. “I'm sorry I chose him over you. You didn't deserve this. God, how did I choose a monster over my own son? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about everything I said. Please forgive me.”

Nicholas just watched.

He didn't even begin to think she changed.

This was just a phase.

She'd get angry again soon. She'd blame him again soon.

“No, I deserved it,” Nicholas said, then turned away. “Don't worry.”

I could've thrown him in jail earlier. I could've ended this earlier. I could've saved you earlier.

“Nicholas, please, I said sorry! Come back!”

“I can't.”

“Don't you love me?”

Nicholas kept going.

I want to, but you burnt all the love left in my heart.

When he closed the door, she was screaming inside again. He tried not to focus on what she was saying, but he caught some of it: I hate you! He snorted. By soon, he'd meant a day or two, not a few minutes.

He picked his way to school with his hands in his pockets and stopped at the front gates, sighing as he prepared himself to deal with this now.

“Are you lost?”

Nicholas frowned, turning his neck to give the girl who'd spoken an unamused look. “Do I look lost to you?”

She laughed and swatted his arm. “Just messing with you.”

Her bright, brown eyes held his — bold and unabashed. Nicholas remembered her from when they were kids. She was the same girl who'd cried to him about her friends making fun of her hair. He had told her to drop them if they were bullies… and she did. She had gotten happier and more energetic ever since, like her friend group had been dampening her personality.

Good thing she made this decision early on. If she hadn't, perhaps she would still be enduring the pain to this day, like his mom.

“Why are you staring?” the girl asked. “Is there something on my face?” She leaned forward and smiled. Nicholas tensed at the proximity, but he stood his ground, refusing to succumb to the urge to step back. “Maybe a pretty little beauty spot like yours appeared on mine? I’d love that.”

Nicholas kept frowning. “I'm not staring, Just zoned out. There's nothing on your face.” Subconsciously, he touched the beauty spot below his eye. “And you can't just spontaneously grow a beauty spot.”

Oh, wait.

Was that a compliment?

Nicholas wrinkled his nose.

The girl sighed. “God. You're so clueless.”

• • •

I'm afraid you're about to see nicholas be a red flag in a situationship lol

Thank you so much for reading/voting/commenting!!! It makes me so happy ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ and sorry for the late update