Ch.20: Julian
Dissonance

For a day or two, all Julian remembered doing was sleeping and eating.

He'd pass out, drown in endless darkness, then open his eyes to hazy, muddled colors and blurry surroundings. The place was warm, though. And whatever he was lying down on was soft and comfortable. It felt nice, so he didn't protest. Someone offered food and water every now and then. Julian would deliriously prop himself up on an elbow to drink and eat.

Then he'd drop down and pass out again.

Footsteps thudded against the carpet often, and the familiar voices of a man and a woman rang in Julian's head whenever he was at the cusp of consciousness and unconsciousness. Sometimes he sensed people lean in close to his face, their breaths fanning across his skin, and then they'd start talking to someone else. He didn't have the energy to open his eyes, so he would just lie there on his side, limp and exhausted, just barely breathing. Barely comprehending what was happening. He could only catch snippets and fragments of words and sentences.

"...ask about him?"

"Already did. I already sent—to check—if his parents-"

"His wallet, in his pocket-and his ID-he's sixteen, so... My boss says we should keep—"

"—to replace Valentino, that's pretty stupid. I'm not sure it'll work."

"—so he'll be useful somehow."

"When's he gonna wake up?"

Julian was stuck in a cycle of waking up and passing out for a long, disorienting while. When consciousness finally returned to him in a steady wave, he opened his eyes and managed to keep them open. It was a tiring thing, though, so he only gazed at the small coffee table with the ruffled tablecloth right in front of him for a few seconds, before closing his eyes again.

"Hey."

A hand shook his shoulder.

Julian hummed and buried his face in the pillow. He would turn the other way, but his entire body felt heavy and stiff, anchored to his spot.

"Kid, look here."

Julian wouldn't look anywhere.

"Goddammit." The man's voice grew irritated. Julian recognized it to be the same man whose car he had splattered with his blood. "Just wake up. How long are you gonna sleep?"

"Dan," said a woman in an even, calm voice. It must've been Sasha, that woman Dan had thrown Julian in front of. Her face was the last thing Julian recalled before slipping into his tumultuous sleep. "Give him a minute."

Julian certainly needed more than a minute.

Dan grunted. "It's been three minutes."

"Julian, that's your name, right?" Sasha asked.

Lian, Julian thought.

"Can you sit up?"

Julian wished they understood that he would move if he could. He didn't think there was any possible way to describe the exhaustion weighing him down right now. He didn't think it was possible to explain that he felt like the center of his bones was filled with cement.

"I'm sure he can." Dan's voice was taut with irritation, and he started heading towards Julian when Sasha stopped him again.

"Wait," she said.

Dan stood in place. "What?"

"Don't force him."

Dan was silent for a few heartbeats. "Good mood today, Sasha? If only you showed Valentino so much patience."

"Since when do you give a shit about Valentino?"

"I don't. I just thought you didn't have patience in you."

Julian's lashes fluttered, and then he opened his eyes again. He tried to lift his head but dropped it back down against the pillow immediately with a quiet, soft groan. He turned his face a little to look at Sasha across from him; she sat in an armchair, her legs crossed, hands folded on her lap. Her eyes were trained on him.

"Julian," Sasha repeated. "We need you to tell us why your parents kicked you out."

Lian.

Julian blinked at Sasha, slow and tired. His chest moved slowly, too.

Sasha stood. Julian watched her only, without a word. Without moving. She approached, her spine and shoulders straight, her posture elegant and measured. She bent over him, tilting her head.

"I need you to talk to me, Julian." Her voice was as unkind as her eyes. "You've slept enough. Answer the question."

I would if I could, Julian thought. I feel so dead.

Before Sasha even stretched her hand towards him, Julian knew what was about to happen. He had learnt by now that people treated him like he was insentient. So he didn't flinch or whimper when she tangled her fingers in his hair and yanked him upright with surprising strength. He only maintained eye-contact in the process. And after she made him sit up with his spine straight, he slumped back against the backrest like a lifeless puppet.

"What the hell's wrong with him?"

Sasha didn't take her eyes off Julian. "He's still too exhausted. This won't work."

"I don't think this is about exhaustion." Dan waved a hand in front of Julian's face. "He looks... absent. Mentally. I don't know."

Sasha let out a puff of air through her nose. "Even better. Easier to mold him into what we want." With a resigned sigh, she backed away from Julian. "Burn that couch when he gets up, by the way. And make him take a shower. We'll talk to him when he comes around. He really does look out of it right now."

The only word Julian's brain caught on was shower. He held onto the edge of the couch as he struggled to his feet. The room spun, and he squeezed his eyes shut, unsettled by the whirling motion. Then he plopped back down.

"What do you want?"

"Sh..." Julian took a deep breath, but barely any air went in like his lungs had shrunk in size. "Shower."

"Take him, Dan."

Again, Dan chose to grab Julian's arm and drag him to the bathroom. It didn't even bother Julian. He was too busy watching the movement of his feet and legs and thinking: I am moving, but I don't feel like I'm moving. Then he lifted his hand, looking at the back of it, and his palm, both blistered and covered in cuts and scratches and dried blood. He flexed his fingers. So strange. They didn't feel like his own. He didn't feel like he was moving his own muscles.

He looked up, frowning at the corridor they were passing through. Everything felt so dim. So dark. So... distant. Like there was a disconnect between him and his surroundings. A disconnect between him and life. His ears rang. Loud. So, so impossibly loud. It didn't hurt. It was just there.

Dan shoved him into the bathroom, and he was speaking to him, but Julian didn't respond because he didn't understand. Dan was only a muted image right now.

The entire world was.

Julian's ears got more clogged, and the ringing grew more intense and consuming. He raised a hand to cover his ear, but Dan grabbed it, lowered it, and tried yanking Julian's top off him. Julian jerked away. Only then did he catch sight of the shower, and he remembered that he was in a bathroom right now.

Julian removed the rest of his clothes on his own then, and Dan left. He stepped into the shower and slid the door shut. Fumbling with the knobs, he turned the water on, and it flooded over his head all at once. It was frigid cold at first, but then he quickly turned the knob to the other side, and warm water pelted against his head and shoulders and cascaded down the rest of his body.

He scrubbed dirt and blood off with his fingers. When he was done cleaning himself, he was a little too tired to get out, so he just sat down, leaning back against the wall, just letting the warm water trickle down his skin.

There were no other thoughts in his head. No memories. No pain, no grief, no connection to what had happened - to what had led to this. Nothing. He didn't even feel like a human being right now.

He didn't even feel alive.

But the warm water felt nice, so... He closed his eyes. So he might as well just enjoy that for now.

• • •

Julian's ✨️numb/disconnected✨️ phase. After this he turns into who he is in Lies and Damnation! excited to show you the development :)

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