October 18, 1985

MUCH LIKE GRIEF, HEALING ISN'T A LINEAR PROCESS. It was something Amara came to realize as summer transitioned into autumn, and she was facing the tribulations of any other high school senior – SAT prep, college applications, and oh yeah – what she wanted for her future. And as much as Eurydice and Scott insisted that Amara didn't need to have a definite career path in mind, that most people started college with their major undecided, she still felt pressured due to the fact that everyone else, her friends included, seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do.

        The truth of the matter was that Amara hadn't expected to make it this far. The beginning of her fourth and final year at Hawkins High marked the longest she'd ever gone without being expelled because the faculty just couldn't handle the stain of a student with autism on their reputation, and Amara was as good at masking as ever even with her circle of friends and augmented name recognition. But being a high school senior was difficult enough even for people without autism, and Amara was surprised at the number of peers she'd witnessed crack under the stress or turn to drugs in hopes of relaxing.

        Then in mid-October arrived the very thing Steve had agonized over a year prior: her college essay. For someone still processing that she, the girl whose parents fretted wouldn't be able to speak and had been thrown out of five schools, was on her way to college, writing an essay of exactly 650 words about something that had fundamentally impacted her life did no justice for her nerves. Eurydice suggested that Amara write about her autism and everything she'd overcome throughout her life, but she had chickened out and decided to write about how her role as an older sister figure to a group of misfit kids – now teens – had helped her grow as an individual. She deemed it suitable enough.

        But even without her college essay, Amara's senior year was quite busy. Between her increasing workload, her job at Family Video alongside Robin and Steve, and Mike, Lucas, and Dustin appointing her as their ride home from Hellfire Club meetings twice a week, she would've felt like she was drowning if it wasn't for the fact that her diligent schedule kept her grounded, preventing her from stewing over the summer's events. The trauma was still under the surface, but there was a fine line between being in touch with her emotions and going down the rabbit hole, and Amara was determined to stay balanced on that tightrope.

        One Friday after school, Amara jotted down notes for her essay outline in the library as she waited for Robin to finish band practice. Nancy was sat across from her; she'd already finished her essay about how her love of journalism had impacted her life and was browsing through a college handbook, ahead of the game as always. Amara was especially grateful that her dating Steve hadn't created a rift between Nancy and herself; after Dustin had blurted out the news to everyone days earlier than Steve and Amara had planned, Nancy had expressed her happiness for them, mentioning that their getting together was "something she had seen coming for a long time."

        "Do you think Emerson's too ambitious?" Nancy inquired, bookmarking her magazine momentarily. "I'm sure I have the grades for it, but people are bound to accuse me of stealing the spot from someone more deserving than me. Because according to every person I've encountered, I'm not supposed to be a journalist; I'm supposed to be the trophy wife of one."

        "Nance, I'd be surprised if you don't make valedictorian this year," Amara disputed, smiling charmingly. "Who was it that said this? Tommy H.? Principal Higgins? Screw them both."

        "They have, but it's nothing I haven't heard from them before," Nancy elucidated, rolling her eyes. "My mom's completely encouraging of my career choice, but my dad... isn't so much," her face fell and she was thankful that nobody else was in the close vicinity. "Last night we were discussing college options and he asked why I 'felt like I needed to chase a longshot dream when I should be able to see what I already have.' It's like he can't even see how unhappy my mom is with her life if he thinks I want to be anything like her – no offense to her, of course. But I wouldn't be surprised if I'm on my own for tuition."

        Nancy Wheeler was midnight rain in a town where sunshine reigned supreme. Most people wanted it comfortable, but Nancy would take pain if it brought her something worthwhile, would rather make her own name than be a bride to someone who wouldn't let her do just that. Even Amara, who had sworn from a young age that she wouldn't sacrifice her dreams for a man or anything along those lines, entertained the idea of a garden with fairy lights and a loved one to come home to at night. Amara was weary of Hawkins, but would stay there if the people she loved did as well. There was no possible future for Nancy in Hawkins that wouldn't involve her giving up what she truly wanted.

        "My grandma was like that with my mom," Amara revealed, her forehead creased in deep thought. "To her, everything was about her family's image – she cared about appearances more than she even loved my mom. Her mother was the very same, so it was ingrained into her. But my mom decided she wanted to be different – she tore through the dresses she was forced to wear, became the first woman in the family to go to college, married someone her parents disapproved of." Nancy was watching her thoughtfully and Amara realized she was rambling yet again. "The point is that it isn't fair that your dad's making you choose between your dreams and your family. But it's a decision that's up to you to make."

        "I think I already have," Nancy resolved. "But did your mom ever regret choosing her dreams over her family?"

        "My grandma's an old hag, so not that much," Amara and Nancy both laughed at that. "I think what she really wished was that her parents had seen her perspective. But there was no way she was going to stay tied down and live a life that wasn't hers to live. I don't think you'd want that, either."

        From afar, it would seem as though the life Eurydice had made for herself wasn't all that different from the life she gave away – her primary roles were the wife to a man who worked long hours at the Hawkins dealership, the mother to two kids on the brink of adulthood, and the glue that kept their house from falling apart. But she had chosen a man she loved to marry over one who would provide financial stability that could never replace love, and loving your children is far more natural when you love the person who helped create them. Perhaps she'd have a job if there were more roles available for women, but there weren't. Amara and Nancy were counting on that to change.

        "At least you have what you want to do figured out," Amara added as an afterthought. "Nothing seems to stand out to me. But I guess Family Video's enough for me for now."

        "You'll figure it out," Nancy smiled sweetly. "When do you have to leave again?"

        "Pretty soon," Amara replied. "I don't have to drive the kids home today, though. Dustin told me they had to reschedule today's meeting for next Monday."

        "Does it ever get to be too much for you?" Nancy queried, concern evident in her facial expression. "Writing a college essay's hard enough, but you've also got your job every day after school and twice a week you have to drive my brother and his friends home. Don't you ever need a break from it sometimes?"

        "Actually, taking a break doesn't help," Amara revealed, stopping writing her outline completely. "Two weeks ago Steve and Robin saw I was getting stressed while working, so they convinced Keith to let me go an hour early. But then all I could do was think about last summer because nothing was there to stop me from doing so. And I know it's not a good idea to suppress what I've been through, what we've all been through, but dwelling on it isn't healthy either."

        "I get it. Keeping myself busy helps too – I have a Weekly Streak meeting after this," Nancy admitted. Like Amara, she and Jonathan had been in a situation where they'd killed as a last resort; while endeavoring to locate the source of the Mind Flayer by way of Mrs. Driscoll, a flayed patient at Hawkins Memorial Hospital, they hadn't found her but their former boss at Hawkins Post and another high-ranking co-worker had. It had wracked them with guilt to kill them to save themselves from being killed, but even then their bodies had decomposed into biomasses that eventually became one with the Mind Flayer. "Summer wasn't easy for any of us. And I'm really excited about college and all, but for years Barb and I had talked about completing applications and even dorming together, but she isn't here... "

        (Because not even bringing justice for her best friend could bring her back)

        "Are there any particular colleges you're looking at?" Nancy asked, changing the subject before the memory of last summer could spring over them like the grey clouds blanketing the sky that day. Discussing trauma was a delicate dance between catharsis and rumination.

        "Mostly in-state. I'm not looking to go anywhere too far away," Amara answered. "My brother commuted to college until this year mostly to save money, but I might do the same if I'm not ready to live away from home yet. I could even go to a community college around here for two years and then transfer somewhere else farther away."

        "Well, college is meant for discovering what you want to do if you don't know already," Nancy remarked, starting to pack her bags as the clock neared three. "Whatever you do in the future, you'll be great at it."

        "Thank you. It really means a lot," Amara beamed, swinging her bag around one shoulder as well. "See you next week."

        "You too," Nancy waved goodbye. "Hang in there, okay?"

        Amara nodded and with that made to rendezvous with her best friend and boyfriend at Family Video. It was all she could do – keep her head above the current before the reeds of the past dragged her to drown.

LOVER'S LAKE WAS TRULY A SPECTACLE AT NIGHT. Ever since Amara and Steve had gotten together over the summer, it had become one of their favorite places to go to whenever they had any time in their limited schedules. It was a rather popular spot around town for couples to spend time at, but it held a deeper meaning to the two as the place where Amara had let down her guard and disclosed to Steve her identity crisis, and a month later her autism. There were other options including Skull Rock, the crown jewel of Steve's making, which was occupied more often than it wasn't. But even if it was available Amara and Steve wouldn't want to go there. She liked to think that she and Steve did more than just make out, and Steve didn't want to be unable to distinguish her from all of the girls he'd loved before.

        While Steve had initially worried that the ghosts of their pasts would doom their relationship before it even commenced, his and Amara's habit of being in touch with their emotions around one another had only strengthened it. There were moments when they were watching a movie or on a walk through the woods when a fictional gunshot reminded them of the real ones they'd escaped by a hair, or the snap of a twig beneath their footsteps set them on alert for otherworldly creatures. They instinctively understood if the other needed to talk as well as when things got so overwhelming they needed to stop. Sometimes they'd just sit together in silence and it would be enough.

        "I seriously don't understand why Henderson now likes Eddie Munson more than me," Steve bemoaned, dragging a hand through his hair and tearing his eyes to the sky like some supernatural force that wasn't hellbent on destroying the world would answer why the boy who practically worshiped him now gushed about someone else he arguably had more in common with. "I swear, if that little shit starts hanging out with him more than me I'm gonna throw him into the lake."

        "You know he's just doing it to get under your skin, right?" Amara mused. They were perched on the hood of Steve's car; the starlight between the clouds reflected in her eyes and when he looked at her, he found it hard to shift his gaze. "He's your best friend, so naturally he knows how to bruise your ego. I do too, but you never complain when I do it."

        "Well, maybe my ego needs bruising once in a while," Steve contended with that smirk only he could look beautiful wearing. However, it quickly faded when he spoke again, "I just can't believe he's now friends with a two-time senior repeat. I might be stuck here for the rest of my life, but at least I managed to graduate."

        "Dustin's allowed to be friends with whoever he wants. And Eddie isn't that bad." Amara wasn't affiliated with any school clubs, but had become a friendly face among the Hellfire Club through her association with Mike, Lucas, and Dustin, even being the one to take their yearbook picture. Despite both being labeled outcasts by society, Amara hadn't interacted with the club's leader until the kids had introduced them a few weeks ago, and they'd instantly clicked in the way Steve and Robin did now. Eddie approved of her taste in science fiction, and she admired how unapologetically himself he was even though Hawkins regarded him as the spawn of Satan.

        "Are you saying you'd ditch me for him?" Steve teased. Perhaps a year or two Amara would've wondered if he was actually concerned that she'd decide to date Eddie Munson, but she had gotten much better at reading humor disguised as seriousness.

        "After everything we've been through together? Not a chance," Amara responded with equal wit, feeding Steve's ego just to deflate it the way only she had the power to do. "But I gotta say, his hair might be better than yours... "

        "Oh, come on, you're supposed to tell me how amazing my hair is!" Steve exclaimed dramatically, sinking against the hood of his BMW for effect. "You always know how to cut me to the core."

        "It's my job," Amara reminded him, positioning herself so her back was also against the engine, which still emanated warmth from the drive to the lake. "But you're stuck with me. My parents adore you, they'd never let you leave."

        "Yeah, more than my parents do," Steve muttered before he could stop himself. Amara's parents indeed thought highly of Steve for his role in their daughter's life and how he brought out the best in her, but it could never make up for David Harrington's constant remarks of how much of a disappointment he was or Catherine Harrington's indifference to it all. Amara had seen Catherine on occasion, a woman of steel with a frail heart, but she knew enough about her impulses to hope she wouldn't meet David for at least now.

        "What was it this time?" Amara asked, propping herself up with her elbow.

        "Some party my dad's hosting next week to promote his business to out-of-staters," Steve sighed through his nose. "He needs me out of the house that night, which I don't mind – I hate his shiny rich friends – but what really bothers me is how he's itching for me to move out now that I have a steady job, as if it's easy to provide for myself with a low-paying gig. And my mom isn't doing any better; she knows this party's gonna be swarming with women my dad will end up in bed with at the end of the night. She's refusing to be there, but I wish she had the courage to not help him set up, or stand up for me."

        "I'm sorry," Amara murmured, twining their fingers. "If it's all the same to you, you're welcome to stay at my house the night of the party. You can take Kevin's room."

        "Would your parents be alright with that?" Steve queried, though he was grateful for her offer. "Wouldn't they think we'd, you know...?"

        "No. No way," Amara responded immediately, tensing up like she always did at the mention of sexual intimacy. It wasn't something she was ready for, and Steve had matured enough not to persuade her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with. "I think I'm old enough that they trust me to make good decisions and wait until I'm completely ready before making them. They'd love to have you over. My mom could cook you that steak you love, we could watch something and fall asleep on the couch again... "

        "Something sci-fi, because you happen to have a thing for rugged guys who play the guitar," Steve mused, and Amara was thankful for the darkness that concealed the tint of her cheeks. Steve indeed resembled the leading men in her favorite sci-fi films, but there was no Han Solo without Princess Leia or Marty McFly without Jennifer Parker. "Believe me, I've noticed."

        "You mean people like Eddie Munson?" Amara grinned, winning just like she always did. Because the biggest egos were the easiest to deflate, and Amara was notoriously good at deflating Steve's. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!"

        "I know," Steve smiled a genuine smile that held no arrogance. Because Amara had chosen him after all the horrible things he'd said and done in the past, and it meant more to him than he could ever say.

AMARA ARRIVED HOME LATE AT NIGHT to find Eurydice reading in the living room, Frank Sinatra's September of My Years humming on the cabinet to fill the void their house had become. Eurydice was all too often the only person left at home while Scott struggled to keep the dealership running with fewer co-workers as well as residents to sell cars to, Kevin now lived on campus at the University of Indianapolis, and Amara juggled her homework, her job at Family Video, and transporting the kids home. Eurydice missed their routine of eating dinner together on weeknights; while she had initially created it for Amara's benefit, she had grown accustomed to it and felt lost now that even her daughter had moved past it.

        She wondered if at her age it was too late for her to get a job of her own.

        "Oh, hey, sweetie," Eurydice beamed, and Amara bent down so she could kiss her forehead in greeting. "How was your day?"

        "Long," Amara replied immediately, joining her mother on the couch. "I finally wrote a thesis for my college essay but I still need to write it, we had rush hour today and I almost mixed up two people's payments – Steve ended up dropping a bunch of tapes to distract them, but then Robin and I had to convince Keith for the millionth time not to fire him, and then Steve and I got dinner since Eddie rescheduled the Hellfire Club meeting."

        Eurydice didn't respond right away, and Amara had no inkling as to what she was thinking. Her mother was someone she knew better than almost anyone else and yet not at all, because the dynamic between a parent and child isn't meant to be mutual. Eurydice had signed up for Amara to burden her with her every problem just by giving birth to her, but she was never meant to do the same with her. Unlike relationships with friends and partners, a reciprocal one between parent and child isn't healthy.

        "There was a time," Eurydice spoke, the hazel eyes both Amara and Kevin had inherited from her a galaxy of emotions, "that you thought you'd never be able to make friends here. Where you wanted to hide away if it meant nobody would harass you ever again, which I don't blame. Look at you now – you have amazing friends and a boyfriend and a job, and you're in your senior year of high school. You're on your way to college. Do you know how much I wish anyone who doubted you could see where you are now? Do you know how much I want to brag about you to them?"

        "Mom, are you sure you're not in menopause yet?" Amara offered, unsure of how to react to Eurydice's declaration other than to question her state of mind.

        "No, I can assure you I'm not; I even had cramps this morning. The pain women have to go through is endless," Eurydice clarified. "Am I not allowed to be proud of you?"

        "You are, but I'm worried about you," Amara expressed. "You're alone most of the time, you're running out of broken things to fix. You won't go to any book clubs or game nights. Mom, you're gonna get cabin fever if you spend any longer here."

        "Hey, you try playing bingo when all the other women are freaking out about Satanism," Eurydice countered, rolling her eyes. "Knowing the truth... it's like I'm isolated from everyone who only listens to what they want to hear. But I wouldn't have it any other way, because that would make me a horrible mother. And I'd take losing my mind in this goddamn house over pretending you survived a mall fire any day."

        "That's... nice," Amara said, wishing Eurydice hadn't brought up the subject of last summer. "But I know you miss how things used to be, when we'd have dinner together and watch movies and dance to the Beach Boys. If you ever want me to come home earlier one day I'd be happy to. I could even have Steve cook dinner."

        (The sad truth was that Steve was only good at cooking because his parents had barely been around during his childhood, and he'd have to cook his own meals)

        "I'd love to have Steve over again, but you don't need to do that for me," Eurydice insisted, wrapping an arm around Amara's shoulders and pulling her close. "You're happy with the way things are now – granted, you're still healing, but I'm not always going to be the one to give you happiness no matter what. Parents have to let go of their children eventually, otherwise it means they see them as their property, not their own people. Your grandmother tried to keep me even though I was ready to leave, but I'm not making that same mistake."

        "I always have to remind myself I get my stubbornness from you," Amara quipped, leaning into her mother. "But you're nothing like Grandma – you never were. And if it's not up to you to give me happiness, you should at least do something for yourself. Have you considered maybe... getting a job?"

        "Working as the secretary to some power-hungry crook's the last thing that would make me happy," Eurydice snorted. "Seeing how far you've come is more than enough for me. Your happiness makes me happy."

        Because Amara really was happier than she'd ever been even if she still felt weighed down by last summer. She had a best friend and boyfriend who accepted her for who she was, wonderful companions old and new, and a future she could foresee. Nothing could take away the fact that she had earned it on her own, and nobody had the right to deprive her of it. Eurydice was satisfied to cheer her daughter on from the sidelines as she threw her graduation cap into the air in a few months' time and set off for college with the guarantee that she would be able to chart a career path Eurydice was never able to.

        "It really means a lot to me," Amara finally conceded, knowing nothing could change her mother's mind. "But if you want to watch something tonight, I'll let you choose."

        "Okay, I'll take that," Eurydice settled, reaching for the TV remote. As she began browsing through the channels for something to watch Amara fought the urge to drift off, wanting to grant her mother some semblance of the routine she missed even if she wouldn't admit it. In a few hours the sun would rise again and she'd have her most hectic workday of the week, but it was a reminder that she had outlasted three rounds of the Upside Down when others hadn't been so fortunate. It was a reminder that she was still alive to complain about trivial matters such as Family Video's faulty cash register and long work hours.

        Amara Reid was bruised, but still alive. She was still alive.

published to quotev: 6/28/23
published to wattpad: 1/4/25

AUTHOR'S NOTE

season 4 is here, aka the one that broke us all 😭 as you can see amara is definitely affected by last summer, but whether or not it leads to her being cursed by vecna is anyone's guess hehe. but i'm trying to go into depth about everyone's trauma such as nancy's and steve's here, and next chapter will include more about everyone's favorite older brother kevin ;) but i'm so excited to write about amara's (platonic) dynamic with eddie and the subplot i have planned for robin's love interest!

this volume will also delve into potentially triggering topics such as period-typical racism and internalized homophobia, as well as opinions that portray my political views. if these topics are triggering or you disagree with me, i understand if anyone decides to stop reading.

love, lydia <3