I did not feel anything.. It had been 5 months since I hadn't seen Shawty. I tried to live my life as normal as possible. The only thing that was not normal was dating a woman. We mostly just hung out together. I was surprised by other people's reactions. It seemed to be normal. I always thought that the world wouldn't agree that a girl dating a girl was as normal as a straight relationship. But people seemed to like what they saw. They said we were a good-looking couple. Um...people thought it was normal.

Oat was a medical student. She was good-looking, smart, and rich. She was almost perfect, except that she did not like boys. She was lucky to be born in a period when society was more open. But it wasn't enough for me. I never felt anything toward her..but I never said anything. "What do you want to eat today?"

"Up to you, Oat. "

"I wanted to take you where you wanted to go. You never had any opinions, anything at all."

"Really?" never realized that before. She wanted to take me out, I went out with her. But I did not feel anything. It reminded me of Kawee. It was an empty feeling. While we were walking around a mall, someone called out my name.

"Someone is calling you."

Oat said. I looked at the familiar face. The memory of high school came back. He was one of Kawee's classmates.

"Do you remember me? I am Kawee's close friend. You look great, even more, beautiful since high school."

He looked at Oat Quickly and seemed to understand it. "Good looking girlfriend."

I smiled a little and did not introduce myself. I was more curious about what he had to say. I dumped his friend.

"How are you?"

I asked. He acknowledged and we chit chatted a bit before he went straight to the point.

"Kawee is getting married." "Okay."

We both fell into silence. I could tell that he wanted to see my reaction to the news. I almost smiled when I heard it. I tried to keep it cool by not showing expression. People were funny.

"Are you going to the wedding?" "If I got invited, I'll go."

"Ok, nice to see you, Pam."

He looked at Oat again and smiled.

"You have changed a lot."

I was not sure if that was an discrimination comment. Oat was surprised by the comment and the attitude. She chuckled and shook her head.

"Why does he look at us like that?"

"Don't worry about him. The whole group was like this."

Kawee's friend must be similar to Kawee, otherwise, they wouldn't be friends remembered they gossip every time a tomboy walked past them.

These boys did not like when they saw women acting like boys. They hated them. They teased and bullied them badly. If it weren't for Ruk, I would dump him a long time ago....Sighed...

"Why did you sigh?" "Huh."

Oat looked at me and smiled.

"The man named Kawee must be important to you." "He was my ex-boyfriend."

"Ah, that was why he looked at me like that. He didn't have to say hi. He is just curious to see your reaction.'

"Ummmm."

"Are you going?"

"Why would I go? It was in the past."

I paused after realizing that it wasn't just Kawee at the wedding. There was someone else I wanted to see. My heart beat faster thinking about an opportunity.... Opportunity to see Shawty.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes?"

"Are you ok? You seemed absent. Do you miss your ex-boyfriend?" Oat mocked me. I looked at her frown.

"I was kidding. Don't be too serious. I just wondered what are you thinking about. Tell me."

"I think of a lot of things," I said.

"First I wondered if I can go to the wedding without invitation." "That will be a ballsy move."

"I won't eat anything."

"Then what's the point of going?" "To congratulate them."

"But you didn't look excited at all when you heard it. Now you change your mind. The old flame?"

When I was teased about Kawee, it always annoyed me. For me, Kawee was an alien that was out of my orbit. He did not exist. He was a piece of trash I did not care about. Ok, it was cruel but I just did not care about his existence. The only thing about him was that he was Ruk's brother. He was the excuse I would have to go to the wedding.

"I wanted to see someone else at the wedding."

"Then you should be fine if you arrive when they go up on the stage. At that point no one will be at the front of the entrance."

"Yes."

"Someone important?" "Ah?"

I looked at Oat and wanted to smile. The muscle on my face almost automatically smiled by itself.

"Yes, a bit."

"Who is that? Male or female?" "Forget about it."

I cut the conversation and walked ahead.

"Let's change the subject. Why do people have sex?" "Ah?"

Oat heard the question and laughed out loud.

"Your question is not appropriate where we are now." "It just came into my mind."

"I can give you a medical student answer. It is a natural thing to make people reproduce. "

"Then why do people of the same sex have sex."

"Emotion. People follow their emotions. It is not too strange."

"I know that. Men and women follow their emotions when they have sex too."

"Yes."

"But why have sex with the same sex? Like you, I believe you had sex before."

I asked her frankly. She smiled shyly but did not refuse. "Why do you have sex with the same sex?"

"Emotion."

"You make the other side happy. What do you get in return?" Now I felt a bit shy when I talked in detail.

"I guess you are not taking turns... "

Oat laughed out loud when I started to stutter. Oat nodded understanding the question I was about to ask. She calmed down and tried to pull it together.

"You wanted to know why I did it for someone else. What pleasure I got and how do I get them?"

"Yes."

"I am happy making other people happy. It is a good feeling hearing the other side moan. I also release my lust in the other way without orgasm."

"That's what I don't understand." "I just wanted to touch them." Oat concluded.

"I wanted to be close to someone glove, to touch them affectionately. How can I explain this? Have you ever kissed?"

"Yes."

How do you feel?"

Nothing, I said frankly. Oat was surprised.

"Are you heartless?" "Am I?"

"No, I cannot think of one."

"How is it possible that you never had someone you like. Will you ever experience sex in this life?"

"Crazy!"

"Let me know if you want to try."

Damn it! I felt lost. I decided to go to Kawee's wedding. I looked up some details on Facebook of where the wedding will be. I was so nervous thinking about going there. I wasn't sure whether it was a good or a bad idea. But I really wanted to see her and there might be no opportunity like this again. I got dressed and asked Oat to send me there. Then I met her, Ruk. She tried to be as normal as possible when she talked to me at the wedding. I was so cruel to her. I hurt her feeling and now I tried to be nice to her again.

Thump.... thump....

My heart beat so fast when I made eye contact with Ruk after a year of not seeing her. I did not know what to do. I could only say hello. The Shawty was nice. She gave me a big hug.

"Maybe you kiss someone who you did not like. Imagine kissing someone you like, Oh, this is hard to explain. You don't even have someone you want to be close with."

"Someone I want to be close with."

I have no one else in my heart, except Ruk. I immediately felt bloodshot in my face thinking back to when Shawty and I kissed. The feeling hit hard in my chest. I paused to remember the details. Oat stopped and noticed my reaction.

"I have a headache."

"You think too hard. Well, do you have someone you wanted to be close with?"

Thump... thump...

My heart beat faster again. It was nervousness, impression, and happiness that I was still welcome despite the fact that I hurther badly. But it was only a brief period that she gave me any attention. After that, she did not talk to me again. She could still remember the pain. Even I could remember it. I couldn't blame her. I was alone at the wedding. I knew no one and had no friends. I came here to see Shawty and that was successful. I met the bride and the groom before I left. There was an awkwardness in the air. I did not know what to do. So I congratulated them.

"How do you come here?"

Kawee asked while looking at me the same way he always did, affectionately. I looked at the bride and smiled coldly.

"I drove here. I am about to leave."

I shouldn't be here. I should have known that coming here wasn't a good idea. Ruk wouldn't forgive me I became a target for many people and I could create a problem for the couple. When I was about to leave, I heard a shout behind me. I couldn't keep my excitement to see that she rushed toward me in that long dress.

"How did you come here?"

A good atmosphere surrounded us. I thought everything was going to be fine. Now I felt she tried to talk to me and forgive me. She was a nice girl. I looked at her painfully and swallowed back my tears. Oat's car pulled over in front of the hotel. Ruk paused with what she saw. I quickly made an excuse.

"That is a friend."

I wasn't sure why I made an excuse. She wouldn't care who I dated now. I was worried that she will be angry. I wanted to maintain what we had left.

"If you're home, call out to me." "I Love you."

I teased with our joke. My heart beat so fast. Shawty pulled a face like a child but it was a cute reaction. It was back. My good feeling was back.

"Who is that cute girl?"

Oat asked the first thing once I got in the car. Her mocking tone upset me. I darted an angry look at her. She laughed at me immediately.

"You can stab me with a knife if you're going to look at me like that." "Don't look at me like that."

"Don't be too serious."

Oat drove the car out of the hotel but she still looked in the mirror. She kept her eyes on Ruk closely..

"Is this the girl you are actually here for?" "Why did you ask that?"

"You are very gentle when you look at her. I have never seen you like that before."

I wrapped my arms around my chest, protecting myself. I did not want anyone to see through me. I was not very stable now. I wasn't sure how I felt at the moment."

"Oat."

"Yes?"

"Can we kiss?"

She chuckled with the tone of my serious question. I looked at her annoyed. She thought the situation was so funny. She said sorry that she made fun of me.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't asked like this very often."

The sweet cool girl turned the wheels to the side of the road and put the car on the brake with a blinker on. The atmosphere was quiet in the car. The aircon hummed lowly in the background. Oat unbuckled herself and turned toward me.

"Here let's kiss."

I looked at her with hesitation but nodded. "Ok."

Oat cupped my face with her two hands and leaned in. I looked her in the eyes with uncertain feelings. Her soft moist lip gently touched mine, tongue slipped into my mouth. I held my breath and looked at her face with stiffness. It was awkward till she pulled away.

"How could you kiss with your eyes wide open." "Can't I open my eyes?"

"You silly!"

"I'm sorry. It just wasn't me."

There were so many emotions inside me. When I saw Ruk, I thought I could kiss a girl and see it for myself. But no, I did not feel anything at all, even with a perfectly goodlooking woman like Oat. I confessed how I really felt.

"I think I do not like girls."

I didn't feel anything with Oat, Ruk should be the same. It was impossible.