"Why don't you ask me out, Pheme?"

I asked while cleaning a coffee cup. The guy I talked to was stunned like he was electricuted. He looked at me in disbelief that I mentioned this out of the blue. But before I tried to avoid this. The good-looking man in a brown apron tried to keep cool.

"I don't know if you wanted to go out with me." "You never asked."

"Would you go if I asked?" "Try me"

I looked him in the eyes "I might say yes."

This might be too ballsy but I had thought about it for many days. Since Pam told me about what she thought about her admirers, I think I should put myself in a proper friend zone as much as possible. I was at the start. I wasn't in too deep. I should distract myself and bring back the sisterhood feeling. I can look her in the eyes easier.

I can fully return to being a woman, not standing in an awkward position like this. Life still goes on. Once I new the love was impossible, I still have to be normal. This was not a TV drama. We still chat, hangout like usual.

What had changed was just my attitude in life...I asked a guy out on a dates "Since you asked me out, let's go out. What do you want to do?"

"Well, you're a man. Just come up with something I'll go with you." "I thought you are waiting for me to ask you out first."

"I'm flirting with you now. Are we going out or what?"

Pheme laughed out loud. I was not a timid person because I felt comfortable with him. Let's do it. Try with someone who already had a feeling for one.

It can't be that bad. If it turned out nice, I would forget about everything soon. I wasn't trying to use a man to forget a woman. I Just tried to come back to being myself I had a high hope with this date. After I was asked out, I spent a lot of time thinking about what to wear and how to get ready. I can really get over this by putting my mind somewhere else.

Apart from the preparation of clothes, I also called for an online meeting with my friends to ask about what to do on a first date. But as usual, the conversation never went pass above the belly botton.

"Kiss"

Bua clasped with excitement. "To the new oral experience!" "To the new experience!"

I revised her statement.

"If it turned out to be good, you would end up with a kiss. A kiss will bring in more and more the next day. More new steps to take."

Bua flicked her fingers like an expert. She had, had 3 boyfriends in the past, the most experience of all of us. I sort of have to listen to her advice.

"Isn't it too easy to kiss on a first date?" I hesitated.

"The guy might think I'm too easy."

"If you don't want it, just push him away." "That means I'm not impressed with the date."

"That's all it takes. If you let him kiss you, you 're willing to move forward. But if you can't kiss him, then it's over."

"Have you ever called it quits after the first date?" "I quitted far beyond the first date."

That comment gave me a headache. I have no problem if a man and a woman will have sexual intercourse if it was consensual sex. I also did my research on kissing from the internet. How to prepare myself and how much degree my head needed to turn in the kiss and how to tickle the other person using my tongue. Ok, wait. That might be a bit too deep at this point. Just go with the flow. Try to be natural and let things move on their own. Let him lead me; and I just follow. That shouldn't be difficult. I was good at theory, but in practice I was so lame.

The day had come Pheme and I went out on the date, we both had a day off. I felt an immense support from everybody in the coffee shop, including my friends. I received messages even before I went out from so many people asking about how it went. Pheme chose to go out to Chatuchak weekend market. We both dressed up casually. It was a complete failure in preparing my clothes.

"Don't be too stressed out about picking out your outfit."

He mentioned on a phone as if he was aware how stressful it was for the first date. The market was full of Thais and foreigners. The heat was so intense that both of us could barely get close to each other. If we were in a cinema, there might be an excuse for cuddling such as watching horror movies or the cold aircon. But here, it was sweltering hot. My hands were sticky and wet. We can't even touch each other.

"Why do you want to come here?"

"It is a big market. Plenty of space to walk around. We don't have to worry about where to go next, and lots of food to eat."

The handsome face responded casually. He was an easy going, not too meaty, not too fancy, not dirty. He was actually fit for me.

"I thought you might take me to a cinema, watch a movie, eat some good food and end up with a kiss."

The tall guy looked at me with a smirk in the corner of his mouth. "A kiss?"

"A kiss can judge whether a date will work out or not," I replied castrally I can be myself with him.

"I can talk to you openly about this, right?" "Yes, sure. Please be yourself."

It was good. I didn't need to be someone else with this man. It was such a waste of time in the past few days that I spent time preparing topics on the date. I wanted to project a sophisticated woman for the first impression. I felt relaxed more than I was with Pam. I worried what I did or said might offend her and made her mad. Now, I thought about the other person.

"What happened? You are quiet."

"I am thinking about what to talk about," I responded frankly.

"I prepared so many topics to talk about but now I don't know what to talk about."

"Take your time. We still have a lot of time together." The tall guy smiled and reached out his hand,

"Let started with holding hands. Maybe it might end up with a kiss." "Can holding hands really end to a kiss?"

I chuckled and realized it was a joke. I gave up my hand willingly. "Let see where it will take us. "

Holding hands in the heat wasn't too bad. Despite a wet hand, it felt quite good. We both shopped for clothes, some housewares, and some snacks too. Time flies fast when I am with him. The past three hours I hadn't thought about Pam at all, I still compared them in my head, Pam's hands were much softer than his. But I also knew that Pam would never walk in the heat like this. The idea washed away the image of her sweet face in my mind. What happened next was such a coincident.

An incoming call from Pam! She never called in a million years. She usually texts. My heart beat faster with happiness. I suppressed that feeling trying to be normal when I picked up the phone.

"Where are you, Ruk?"

She shot out a question the first thing when answered. "Chatuchak Market. "

[ I'm here too. ]

"Really? Where are you?

[ A bar on a sidewalk in project 14th.]

"I see."

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. She seemed to wait for any response, until she asked again.

"Am I disturbing you?"

That question made me nervous. I shook my head realizing she won't see that. One hand, I wanted to see her. I was addicted to seeing her face every day. But seeing her sweet face today might just ruin a date today.

"No, I'll go see you soon.?"

I can't say no even if I wanted to. Pheme was surprised to learn that Pam was here but he agreed to the idea to meet up.

"Pam is not the kind of person who wants to come here."

We both agreed on this. Not that walking in the weekend market can separate poor people from rich people. But this was a laid-back market, coming here with Pam would be like carrying a Louis Vuitton bag to a market on a hobo bag to London Fashion Week. It just didn't go together. We walk along the back of shops through food stalls, bars with live bands, and much more. We arrived at a bar filled with warm white light but there was only one table that seemed to be brighter than others. Pam looked stunningly beautiful. Her aura showed out making me so nervous. Her loose silk shirt on her shoulders. Her long hair rolled up in a messy bun on her head. Her torn jeans gave a casual look that I had never seen before. The new look made me so anxious, but I had to be normal. "How did you come here, Beauty?"

I looked over to a man sitting with her. "Eak is here too."

What I saw agitated me. Pam welcomed me with her warm smile as usual. "I'm here with Eak. You saw him."

Despite the sweet smile, I felt some sarcasm in her tone. But I have to let that pass because she had no good reason to be upset with me.

"I mean what brings you here." "Why can't I be here?"

I think that was the second part she threw at me. I wasn't imagining it. She was upset with something even her voice still sweet

"Pam asked me if I wanted to come here. It was so hot, so we stopped for some drink"

I looked at an ice bucket of whiskey, mixed with Red Bull on the table with surprise.

"You start drinking cocktails at midday? Pam, you don't drink."

All heads turned toward her. She sat quietly and sent a mischievous smile toward me, unlike her usual smile.

"I need some practice."

This was weird. She never did this. Did she realize how odd this was? The sweet face poured a blue cocktail in her glass. I grabbed the glass and held it in my hand before she reached for it.

"Don't drink it." "I'm thirsty,"

"Drink water then, not cocktail You knew you can't drink this."

I sign and flagged a waitress asked for a bottle of water. Eak saw a glass in my hand and asked for it. He drank the glass himself.

"Let's get some water. It is still too early."

"The weather is too hot. That might drive my blood pressure up high."

Eak talked just to change the subject, "How is your first date? All good?"

"All good. I thought it would be more awkward."

Pheme replied straight forward and poured himself a glass of cocktail, instead of water.

"Lucky, Ruk is like a tomboy. If she is shy, it won't work."

"Ruk is always open. I won't be surprised if she asks to hold your hand first."

"How did you know? It was really like that. "

The two men laughed out loud with my ballsy move. Pam and I sat quietly because we didn't know how to react. Pam took a deep breath and listened to the conversation. She didn't realize I saw everything. Her eyes are watery red like she tried not to cry. No, I didn't imagine that. Her mood and the atmosphere was so clearer than speaking it out loud. I came out for a date to forget the beautiful face but I saw her reaction and felt so happy that almost let it out.

"I planned that at the end of today, we should try a kiss." I tried to rub it in just to see her reaction,

"You'll be my first kiss but am I your first too?" Pheme rolled his eyes and scratched his head.

"That's a tough question. The wrong answer could change everything. " "This is only the first date. Don't you think it's too fast for that?"

Her strong comment just put a break from everybody who was now laughing.

"Can't people go out on a date without touching each other?"

Both men fell on silence because they didn't know how to answer that. So, I had to explain for the sake of an argument.

"Pam, we were just joking." "Really?"

I just wanted to rub it in more to see her reaction. "I have to admit that I really plan to do it."

Pam was quiet while the rest were waiting for what I would say more.

"A kiss can tell whether this will continue or go on. It's like living in sin. If sex wasn't ok, the marriage will be like hell."

Did I give the right metaphor? But the kiss on the first date was too fast. "Can you not kiss him?"

Pam replied with a monotone, like she wasn't up for an argument.

"I'll never know if I never tried. Or do you have a better reason for me?" "There is no better reason."

Her soft stance was like a person that just gave up. I was now mad at myself for trying to win the argument. She looked up at me with her red eyes, like she was trying to hypnotize me with her beautiful eyes, lured me in the deep hole that I can't get out. Her long slender fingers touched gently on my lip, like a lover took care of their beloved item.

"I am just jealous."