Hyunjin

Dear Diary

Yesterday a lot happened between Felix and me and it was so much more than I could imagine. My feelings for Felix are not a secret to me, however I can't reveal them. I really want him to know how I feel, but yesterday Bang Chan got in the way and I had to deny everything again for fear that he would find out.

What threw me off again is that Felix said he would never start anything with me. But even if he wanted to, it has already happened and he can't deny the fact that he liked it.

While writing, pictures of the little one crept into my mind, how he had moaned under my touches and how he had finally come in my mouth.

Anyway, he couldn't deny something like that, no matter what he had said to our hyung. And that was exactly my incentive not to give up, but to remain persistent.

Probably I had to make him admit that I got right under his skin. My mission started from today.

I looked at the clock and was startled. Because not only my mission concerning Felix started today, but also the release of our new album "Noeasy" was about to start.

And that meant training, training, training.

I closed my diary, got ready for our training and went into the hall. Our leader and Minho were already standing there.

"Shall we go?", I asked and Bang Chan answered in the affirmative.

Laughing, I.N., Jisung and Felix came from the other room. I looked briefly into the eyes of the small, blond again, and smiled tentatively.

Surprisingly, he returned my smile and for a short moment my world was somewhat in order again.

...

Arriving in the dance room, we practiced our choreos, especially Cheese, Domino and Thunderous.

It was liberating to be part of the group again and I gave my all to the choreos. This also caught Minho's eye, because he praised me. Secretly, me pride was getting bigger, because Minho was one of the best dancers I knew and a praise from him meant a lot to me.

Because all the members were present, I couldn't stare at Felix all the time. That would have been too conspicuous. But I noticed that he didn't try to ignore me like the other times, but was Felix as usual and had his "touchy" time.

Of course, I had to admit that I liked having Felix close to me, but unfortunately he was very physical with the other members too. Much to my displeasure.

When we finished training as a group, me and Bang Chan were still practicing our choreo for Red Lights.

Our video was forming and was sexy as hell. Tomorrow was the final cut and me and Bang Chan got to watch the completed video. I couldn't hold back to watch it.

Completely sweaty and heavily breathing, I dropped to the floor.

"Hey Dramalama!", Ban Chan started and sat cross-legged next to me, "are you looking forward to tomorrow too?".

"What do you think? The whole concept was a blast from the start and I finally want to see the result of our hard work!", I replied with a grin.

I couldn't wait for tomorrow to come.

...

And there we sat, wide-eyed in front of the screen, watching our MV to Red Lights. It was... sexy as fuck! I loved it!

"Fuck!" escaped my hyung's mouth. "This is awesome!" he grinned.

I had to grin too and just nodded my head firmly and continued to stare at our video that was playing for the 2nd time by now.

We thanked all the staff for their cooperation and headed back. The video was ready, and the first trailer would be released by tomorrow.

*I can't believe it! The concept is awesome and the video is a huge success! Hopefully the Stays loved it! And hopefully Felix likes it...*.

"Hey Hyunjin, can I ask you something more personal?", Bang Chan snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Like what?", I asked in surprise.

"With our video... So in general with Red Lights... Were you thinking about someone. I mean like someone special?", he asked me a little embarrassed.

*Ah shoot! Is it that obvious? Should I tell him, or is it too dangerous for our leader to know that I'm suddenly into men first, and Felix second? No, better not. I don't want to risk anything...*

"I don't know what you mean?", I therefore said carefully.

"I mean, I know you by now. I know how you dance. And somehow I feel like you've been more passionate about it lately and...well, I see you giving someone certain looks..."

The beans were spilled. He knew it. Frozen by his honesty, I wondered if I should still deny everything or explain myself to my leader.

"I...Bang Chan...I don't know what to say...," I stammered.

"Listen. You don't have to. Basically, it's none of my business either, but he already told me and I just don't want this to jeopardize anything."

*He told him?!*

"Don't get me wrong! I'm not against it in any way! On the contrary! In fact, I want it to work, but I'm certainly not meddling in your affairs," he continued to explain himself.

A lump formed in my throat. Our leader was simply the best! Even though Felix had told him, he didn't want to offend me, but even tried to put the good first.

I was not mad at Felix telling Chan the truth. After all, I also talked to Minho about us. You couldn't carry something like that around on your own.

"Let me just tell you one thing, the words our Lixie had spoken were not meant that way. And now I'll shut up!", Chan made a closing motion over his lips, and which made me smile.

Unexpectedly, he had helped me a lot with his sentence and confirmed my suspicion that Felix did react to me somehow.

*Never say never!*

"Um... Chan? May I ask you also something personal?", it gathered my courage. Somehow, I needed to know.

"Do you know if... if he is experienced with men?", I asked sheepishly, blushing a little.

"I know I'm not supposed to tell you that, and afterwards I shut my fucking mouth and not get involved into your problems. As far as I know, he was not aware that he also likes men. Accordingly, he has no experience and has been very confused lately," Chan explained and then shut his mouth the whole ride back.

Felix

When Hyunjin left us without a word in the hallway after I spoke those words, I was wondered what I did wrong to leave us like this.

Admittedly, my choice of words had been a bit harsh, but he hadn't been sensitive with his words either.

The fact that a man had given me this pleasure was just still too new and fucking confusing. I couldn't just admit in front of the others that I would enjoy myself with a man. But what had happened between me and Hyunjin, I couldn't deny I liked it a lot. Maybe I should talk to him and explain my thoughts.

I was into girls until now. This was all unknown territory to me, and he had taken me completely by surprise. At that moment, all I could feel was lust and at that time it felt right. But that didn't mean it hadn't thrown me completely off my game.

"Ban Chan, can we talk for a minute?", I asked our leader, needing advice again.

"Sure, let's go for a walk, we'll be undisturbed," he said and we went outside.

Under the starry sky, we remained silent for a while. He waited for me to find the courage and talk first. And once again he proved that he was the most empathetic person I knew.

"As you can guess, it's about him...", I began sheepishly,

"w-we had s-... I mean he gave me a... a blo-"

"Ahhh!!! TMI! I don't really want to know that! Just tell me the part afterwards," he interrupted me.

I told him everything. How the long haired words had hurt me and that I was panicking in front of the others as well.

He took an audible breath and just shook his head:

"You two are impossible. You're both afraid of what will happen if you let it happen! I already told you trust me and talk to him. But instead of talking, you do this. I think your bodies speak for themselves and show you that the attraction between the two of you is too huge to suppress. Because if you suppress it any longer, that what happens in the studio will not be the only time. Felix, as I told you back then, my advice still remains the same. TALK! Don't be a coward like you were last time, but have the courage and talk to him. You are a very physical person and that's why it's so much more difficult for you to keep your distance from him. I tell you better don't. Be you, be affectionate to everyone and don't try to suppress that. Because if you ignore him again, I don't know if you can fix it this time."

Chan's sermon made me completely rethink my world. We talked some more about other topics and then went back to the dorm.

We got ready for bed. Binnie was already snoring, so we had to be very quiet. When I was in bed and Chan turned off the dim light, I whispered another soft thank you.

I couldn't fall asleep right away, because I was thinking about a few things.

*What if he's really not playing with me, but that's his way of showing me his affection? Because unlike me, he is not affectionate to others and besides, Chan seems to know something about him, because otherwise he would not push me into his arms. What if Chan is right and I should just risk it? I was just afraid of getting hurt again. Because last time, it had been damn painful to get turned down by him. Honestly, I have to admit that I didn't let him explain himself and stole the words from him. He wanted to tell me that it was a mistake?*

Somehow, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that he wanted to tell me more at that time. And at the studio he wanted to say something as well and was interrupted again.

There was no way around but to talk to him. I had to go back to my old resolutions of addressing a problem directly. Just I was used to as Lee Yongbok.

...

At some point I fell asleep anyway and woke up with renewed energy. For a long time I had found my balance again and started the morning right away by hugging Jisung. He looked at me a bit confused, but then just shrugged his shoulders and started laughing. But when I got a evil look from Minho I quickly let go of him.

Minho went into the hallway. Later, I, Jisung, and I.N. followed. Jisung had dropped a line about Minho, so we all laughed. When we ran to the others, Hyunjin was also standing there and I was briefly overwhelmed.

*Breath! Try to find your center and don't run away while screaming!*

When he looked me in the eye, my stomach twisted and my heart skipped a beat. Nevertheless, I gave him a small smile. When he returned it, the butterflies sprang up and a slight heat shot into my cheeks.

As soon as I got the chance, I would talk to him.

Until then, I resolved to be all Felix.