Lachlan

I started spending my free time at Glenna and Safiya's house against my better judgment. At first it was because I thought they were getting too buddy-buddy with Luin and I wanted to make sure they didn't agree to anything too stupid. Something strange happened, though – something I never saw coming. I started actually... liking him.

Luin was an odd guy. Seriously odd. Since I was technically human, I couldn't detect magic in the air like Glenna and Safiya could, but even I could tell that he leaked magic almost constantly. The only time he didn't seem charged with magic was when he had a quiet moment to himself or occasionally while he was in the middle of a conversation, when that mask of his would slip and you'd see the utter despair that hid beneath. He always brightened as soon as he noticed he had an audience, but I started learning to see the cracks in his façade.

Turns out, it's really hard not to trust someone when you see their pain. In fact, he started to actually feel like a friend, which was a little scary. I could only hope Magnus would be more clear-minded when he met Luin, though if I was honest with myself, I knew exactly how Magnus would feel about him. Magnus would see those broken parts of Luin even sooner than I had and he would want to help fix them.

Maybe Magnus' eagerness to accept the best in people was a flaw – I would never accept such weakness in myself – but somehow Magnus turned it into a strength. I admired the way he could open himself up like that so fearlessly.

And I... I was consumed by fear. It was on my mind almost constantly, since it was standing between me and my happiness.

I wanted to transform for Magnus... but I didn't feel ready. I wanted him in my life in every way and I wanted him in it forever. That part wasn't in question; I was just having trouble dealing with the prospect of making the actual transition. I had heard plenty of transformation stories over the years, but they were all different. Even Glenna and Safiya, who were sisters and who transformed into the same species, had completely different experiences.

Glenna took to the magic effortlessly. She had a mild headache for a few hours and slept for most of the day following, but that was all. Safiya, on the other hand, was violently ill for three days straight and almost needed admitted to the hospital for dehydration since she couldn't keep anything down, even water. Her body resisted the magic hard, to the point where Glenna had called me every hour with updates because we were all so worried.

There was no telling what would happen to me, but it was hard to imagine that my body would take well to shifting into a completely different animal. Every time I thought about it, that girl's first transformation stuck in my mind. She was so scared and in such pain, and her body had been born for the change.

So, yeah... I was scared. And even though it was stupid, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted my mom. She hadn't been there for me in almost twenty years, but somehow, that didn't matter. I wanted her advice. To my horror, I wanted her approval. She had done nothing to deserve it, but knowing that didn't change the way I felt.

The thing about my mother was, even if I wanted to talk about my transformation with her – and, so help me, I did – I had no way to reach her. Mom came to land every few years and reached out to me. I last saw her a year and a half ago, so it would probably be a while before she came up again and if I waited that long to transform, I would probably combust from the sexual frustration.

My phone buzzed, snapping me out of my thoughts. It was a text from Magnus: "Probably have to postpone the trip home. I'll call you later."

My heart sank. This was Magnus' fourth day away and he had been planning to come home tomorrow morning. I had barely gotten to talk to him in the past couple of days because he was almost always with his pack mates and we were still trying to keep our relationship quiet. And now it could be even longer before I got to see him again.

And even when Magnus returned, he would be busy with his pack and with the investigation, so how much would I get to see him? It could be weeks before we returned to something resembling normal.

Or...

Or I could get my transformation out of the way and be by his side while the investigation was going on. I could get out of this house that was feeling emptier by the day. I could finally get laid. And what would it cost me? A few days of pain?

And so much fear would finally be removed from my life. I would never again have to worry about being transformed against my will or into something I didn't want to be. I could hug my cousins. I wouldn't have this transformation looming over my head... my life would be so much better if I could just push through it.

My hands shook, so I clenched them into fists. Was I really doing this? Without Magnus? I always thought he would be there with me through the transformation, but I didn't know when he would be back and even then, he was going to be needed around his pack for the next couple of weeks at least.

I pulled out my phone and called Felix.

--

This wasn't a request I was willing to make over the phone. Felix needed to know that I was serious and would have a harder time denying me in person, I thought. Instead, I asked him to come to my house when he could, which would be in about an hour.

Item two on my list was getting Glenna and Safiya on board with my plan. I couldn't go through this alone, and Felix was going to be too busy running the pack in Magnus' absence to stay by my side.

I walked to Safiya and Glenna's house, but before I could walk in, Luin rushed out. He held his palms out to stop me and said, "You shouldn't come in right now. Glenna and Safiya are both with customers."

Luin had learned over the past couple of days that I pulled a disappearing act whenever someone new showed up and after making a quiet observation about it, hadn't said another word. I would have expected most people to pry – this was just another thing I liked about Luin.

I stood at the end of the driveway, gaping at Luin and scrambling to come up with some kind of plan. Felix would be at my house soon and if everything went to plan, I was going to need someone to stay with me just in case the sickness got to be too much. I didn't have long to figure this out.

Of all the times to try being spontaneous, I thought semi-hysterically, this was a particularly stupid one.

"Do you have any idea when they'll be available?" I asked, desperate.

Luin frowned a little and his posture shifted from a casual stance to a more alert one. Suddenly it felt like he was looming over me, even though he was still a few feet away from me. "What's wrong?" he asked.

The thing about Luin was that he never asked a casual question. Something about him compelled you to answer. I resisted the urge, but Luin's eyes didn't stray from mine and he just kept waiting as if we had all the time in the world.

Meanwhile, time was pressing down on me. I needed help, and while I knew Glenna and Safiya would do everything they could for me, they couldn't realistically shut down the shop and they really should both be there during its open hours as a precaution. Maybe I could stay in their office? I could bring in a sleeping bag and they could check on me between clients. It wasn't perfect, but it could work.

I would ask my father, but transformations were understandably a touchy subject for him after what happened with my mother and he had always been visibly upset whenever they came up.

Or...

"I need help," I heard myself say before I could fully consider it. Luin just kept watching me, so I explained, "There's a good chance I'll be indisposed for the next few days. I shouldn't be alone."

Luin nodded slowly, still watching me carefully. The silvery color of his eyes seemed to churn. "Could I assist you?"

I almost sagged with relief. Sure, Luin was still a relative stranger, but he was also somehow my fourth-closest friend after Magnus, Glenna, and Safiya. The simple truth was that I wasn't close to very many people, and once my guard started dropping around him, trust came almost too easily. Still... this was a big favor to collect from such a new friend. "Would you consider staying at my house, just in case I need help? If it gets too bad, I'm sure my cousins won't mind stepping in."

"Alright," he answered. How could he sound so casual about agreeing to such a massive request?

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

We stared at each other until I shrugged. I didn't see a better option, and if he backed out I wouldn't be in a worse position than I was now. "Well, thanks. I'm going to head home to start getting ready. Could you come by around two?" That would give me almost an hour with Felix, which should be enough time.

Luin nodded and said, "I'll see you at two." Then he turned on his heel and walked back up my cousins' driveway as though that hadn't been a completely bizarre interaction.

I shook my head and headed home. Every interaction with Luin was a little bizarre, truth told, and I had other things to worry about.

By the time Felix arrived, I had made up the guest bedroom with new linens and had straightened my own. I had also cleaned out my refrigerator and tidied the bathrooms, since it might be a few days before I felt up to cleaning them again. Never before had I been so grateful to have a spare bed. It seemed like a huge waste of money when I bought it a few years back for when my father would come to visit, but now it meant I wouldn't have to give up my bed to the fae man and sleep on the couch during my transformation.

When the doorbell rang, I was still so focused on the practical preparations for my transformation that I wasn't panicking. I opened the door and held it open so Felix could come in.

"Thanks for coming," I said.

Felix stuck his hands in his pockets and looked around. "No problem. Is everything okay?"

I shuffled nervously for a few seconds, then caught myself and forced myself to stand still. Felix glanced at me, then quickly looked at me again with visible concern. "I'm fine," I hastily assured him. "I have a favor to ask."

Felix looked like he was waiting for me to explain, but fear seized me again and I gaped at him instead. "Why don't we sit down?" he asked.

I sat stiffly on a chair while Felix took the couch, but was still having trouble finding the words. "Are you in trouble?" Felix asked.

I shook my head and steeled my nerves. I was never going to convince him I was serious when I asked him to transform me if I was this visibly anxious about it. "No, it's nothing like that. I just... I want to be able to see Magnus when he gets back and I want to be able to stop hiding what we are. I want us both to be able to stop holding back with each other. So I want you to transform me."

It might have been funny, the way Felix's brows shot up and the way his eyes widened in shock, except that I was incapable of laughing right now. "Are you sure you want to do this without Magnus? I know he would want to be there."

My stomach turned, but I kept my expression carefully neutral. "I would rather he be here," I admitted, "but waiting for him would take too long. I don't think he could take enough time off until this whole Summit mess is over. There's no telling how long that will take."

Felix grimaced. He looked down at his hands while I watched him nervously. Laying out the very rational reasons for taking care of this now had helped ease my anxiety – now I was mostly just nervous that Felix would refuse. The only other werewolf I could ask was Meleri, and I wanted to ask her a favor about as much as I wanted to stick pins under my nails.

"Is it dangerous?" Felix finally asked.

I quickly shook my head. "No. I might get a little sick, but I'll be okay and I have a friend who can stay with me." I might have been underplaying the sickness, but Felix didn't need to know how bad it could get. This wouldn't kill me.

"Have you told Magnus about this?" he asked next.

I hadn't had a chance to. "I will." Though it could be fun to surprise him with it at the airport, I could see that backfiring. He could be too upset about me keeping this from him to be happy about it, and I really didn't want that.

"Maybe we should wait until after you've talked to Magnus about it," Felix said, frowning.

"No! This isn't his decision – he's said all along that it's up to me. And you know he'll be happy about it. I don't want to put it off any longer. Please. I'll tell him tonight."

Though Felix still looked uncomfortable, he nodded. "Alright. If you're sure."

"Thank you. Really."

Felix shifted uncomfortably and said, "How do we do this?"

I got up and grabbed a sharp knife from the kitchen. When I got back, I handed it to Felix, who looked like he was already regretting his participation in this. "You just have to cut yourself a little bit – get some blood on the blade."

He took the knife, but didn't use it right away. His eyes studied me. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Felix swiped the knife across his palm and handed it to me. I took it and sat down. Did he see how the knife was shaking in my hand? Before I could give myself too much time to think about it, I pressed the blade to my palm and cut.