Taehyung was never this anxious before.

Walking into breakfast on the first day of the week- he took a sandwich from the canteen and then spotted his friends sitting with the rest of the football guys. Except Jimin and Jungkook were sitting on another table with Eka and Sehun.

Taehyung walked up to the footbal guys. He saw Youngjae telling the rest of the guys some story, and everyone was laughing loudly. But when Taehyung got there, Youngjae spotted him and then hesitated, quietening. "I-I'll tell you guys later." Youngjae mumbled.

Taehyung opened his mouth to say something, but then saw Yugyeom mumbled something to Bambam, and both of them get up and leave to go sit with Jungkook. Everyone was kind of quiet, not knowing what to say.

Taehyung gulped. "I've got some- some homework to finish. So I'll go." Taehyung mumbled, and then walked away from the table. When he did, he heard all of them begin talking and laughing again.

Taehyung walked out of the food hall and sighed. He didn't feel hungry anymore. Taehyung just threw the sandwich in the dustbin and walked to the only place he could get some peace. The art room.

Taehyung walked into the small room and then sat down on one of the chairs, remembering how a few months ago- Jungkook was sitting on his lap at this exact spot, talking about how he thought bees were very cute.
And Taehyung had just smiled and kissed his cheek and said how he thought Jungkook was very cute. And Jungkook blushed and hid his face with his hands.

Taehyung almost smiled at the memory, but then remembered. Remembered how after the two went to the boys' lounge, and Taehyung ignored Jungkook completely and made some homophobic comments. And how Jungkook looked disheartened and kept trying to tell Taehyung something, but Taehyung didn't listen and instead continued fucking around with the other guys.

Taehyung cursed to himself. How did he not notice that Jungkook had a crush on him?

Taehyung took his phone out and began going through old texts of him and Jungkook. They hadn't texted for weeks. The last text was this.

Kookie
hey taetaehyungie

Kookie
i thought abt what u said 😙

Kookie
on my way to your room right now!!

Kookie
💞💞 im gonna give u many many kisses !!

Taehyung let out a small breath he didn't know he was holding. Fuck. Fuck- they were so close to being together. Taehyung was so close to holding Jungkook every night and calling him his baby. Taehyung was so fucking close to having one good thing in his life.

But instead, everything went wrong. So- so quickly.

Taehyung scrolled through their texts and let out a small smile at some of them that occurred when everything seemed fine.

Kookie
youre a little meanie

Taehyung
you're the one that left without kissing me goodbye 😡

Kookie
BC I HAD HOMEWRK ): i HATE u

Taehyung
no u dont

Taehyung
pretty babie

Kookie
i like u sm ):

Taehyung
when I see u next I'll kiss ur cute butt

Kookie
EWWW i <3 u

Taehyung heard the door of the art room open, and turned with widened eyes and saw Jungkook. "Oh-" Jungkook let out, fingers tightening around the door handle. "What- what're you doing here?"

"I just came here to... be alone, I guess," Taehyung mumbled, and saw how Jungkook was looking away, awkward.

"Okay," Jungkook said, and then walked inside and towards the cupboard to take his art file. He grabbed it, and then looked at Taehyung wearily. Jungkook opened his mouth to say something, but Taehyung did first.

"Kook," Taehyung let out, and then stood up. "I-I never meant to hit you."

Jungkook looked at him for a few seconds. "Okay," Jungkook mumbled, sounding unconvinced. Taehyung sighed.

"I didn't mean to. I swear. I just- I can explain everything. I promise," Taehyung said, taking a step towards him. "It's my father- he-he's terrible. And when I was younger, my-my mom said these things to me-"

"Okay, V- I don't care," Jungkook said, and Taehyung stilled, looking at him. "Stop telling me all this. It doesn't concern me."

"O-okay. Okay. I know- I know that. I just- um- I-I thought I should tell you, b-because-"

"Well don't. I don't want to know whatever backstory you're going to make up to somehow redeem yourself. It isn't going to happen, because I don't care." Jungkook said harshly, and Taehyung nodded quickly.

Jungkook walked two steps towards the door and then turned around. "And also- don't hang out here. This isn't your little hangout. I only introduced you to this place because I... I trusted you. I don't want you to be here. Go hang out with the football guys or something."

"Yeah o-okay. Sorry." Taehyung stammered and then saw Jungkook walk out and slam the door shut. Taehyung flinched lightly, and then turned around, coiling his hands into fists and sighing.

///

Taehyung was sitting on the side benches, watching the other boys play while he sat out. The distant sound of the whistle felt like white noise to him. He just sat there, watching as Sehun kicked another ball into the goal effortlessly, and then smiled when the other boys congratulated him. Taehyung just watched.

Earlier that day in class, he'd had to watch as Sehun kept complimenting Jungkook and saying all this stuff about him and how pretty he was- and Jungkook kept blushing lightly and telling him to shut up. Taehyung could just watch.

"You're so good! Aw, we're going to kill those dudes at the Seoul Championship next year!" Hoseok cheered, and Sehun laughed.

"Sehun?" Youngjae asked in a small voice. "The- um- the coach said you could teach me how to correct my footing-?"

Sehun smiled at him. "Of course, man! You're already really good, but if you just position your foot like this-" Sehun went on, and Taehyung saw as the boys surrounded him, all listening in, looking at ease.

The coach cleared his throat. "Okay, boys. I want all of you to write down on pieces of paper who you want the next Captain to be. The final decision will be mine, but I want to see what the rest of you think. And please- no drawing penises this time." The coach sighed.

"Sorry," Jackson mumbled, and the boys laughed.

Taehyung walked off the benches and began walking across the field. "Aren't you gonna vote, V?" Namjoon asked.

"No," Taehyung said, picking up his bag.

"You have to vote, V." The coach said, and Taehyung rolled his eyes. "I don't feel like it, Coach. You can decide through 13 votes, can't you-"

"Just be a part of the fucking team. Stop whining." Jimin snapped, and Taehyung looked at him and paused for a second. Taehyung walked over to the coach, and he handed Taehyung a piece of paper and a pen.

After a few minutes, all the votes were collected, and the papers were given to the coach. The coach counted and checked all of them, and then hummed.

"Right. 1 vote for Jackson. 2 votes for Jaebum. 10 votes for Sehun! Great," The coach said, and Taehyung just turned around to walk away, feeling a pained feeling in his gut.

"Who was the last vote for?" Someone asked. "V, but that doesn't count." The coach mumbled, and Taehyung frowned to himself.

"Seriously, dude? You votes for yourself?" Bambam asked, and Taehyung scoffed. "No, I didn't. I votes for Jackson."

"R-really!" Jackson asked, cheeks tinted. Taehyung hummed. "'Cause I didn't think anyone else would," Taehyung mumbled, and then turned around and walked away, didn't see Jackson look down sadly.

Who votes for him?

///

"Class dismissed." The teacher said after the bell rang, and everyone quickly got up and began walking out of the door. Taehyung slipped through the tables and grabbed an arm.

"Can we talk?" Taehyung asked, and then saw a frown. "I just- I feel like I should apologize."

"Yeah, you really fucking should." Eka snapped, and Taehyung looked at her with a sigh.

"Eka, listen. I never meant to hit him. I swear- I-" Taehyung began, and saw Jimin walk up to them after hearing what Taehyung said. "Please. Just hear me out. I know what I did was wrong. It was pathetic, it was- it was weak, and I hate myself for it. But-"

"Fuck off, V. It doesn't mater, because you're still going to be an asshole after this. Even if it was a mistake, it's not like you're going to learn and suddenly change." Jimin said with a scoff.

"Yeah, you're not me," Eka said, and Jimin laughed.

Taehyung felt weak. "I'm trying to change, I swear," Taehyung said in a small voice.

"Too late," Eka said, and she and Jimin turned around and walked out.

Taehyung took a deep breath. He felt that feeling he'd had for the past week where his insides would feel tightened and his breathing would get shorter and his stomach would feel inverted.

Taehyung picked his books up and walked out of the classroom, but when he did, he saw Jungkook walking away- rushing almost, and Sehun running behind him.

"I said no, Sehun," Jungkook mumbled, and Sehun sighed, grabbing Jungkook by his waist. Both probably didn't see Taehyung, who was leaning against the wall.

"Hey, come on-" Sehun said, and Taehyung felt his eyebrows furrow. Was Sehun hurting him? If Sehun was hurting him, Taehyung would kill- "Why no?"

"Because," Jungkook said. "I-I don't feel like dating anyone right now. You're really sweet, but I just don't feel like having a boyfriend." Taehyung's breath hitched.

"Why not, though?" Sehun asked. "I thought it was nice when we kissed last night... didn't you?"

Taehyung froze, tightening his grip around his books. Taehyung heard Jungkook giggle. "T-that was pretty nice. But- I just- I went through a pretty bad relationship not too long ago. I don't think I'm ready to jump into another one-"

"But Kookie! I'll treat you really well, I swear. I like you a lot, Kookie. I think you're really cool and funny and cute." Sehun said in a soft voice. "Can't you give me a chance?"

"I-I don't know," Jungkook said. "Everyone says stuff like that. It's too soon for me to trust another-" The words got cut off, and Taehyung heard the sound of kissing.

Taehyung heard with widened eyes as the sound of two lips being pressed together continued on for a bit, but then- "Sehun- no-" Jungkook said, pushing him off lightly. "I'm just... not ready yet. Sorry." Jungkook said. Sehun chuckled.

"No no- don't apologize. Don't worry about it! You're just so great, it's hard to resist." Sehun said, and Jungkook giggled. "But don't think this won't make me ask you out again next week. Or the week after that. Or the week after that. I'll wait till you're ready, Kookie." Sehun said, giving him a wink.

Jungkook smiled softly. Sehun looked at him for a few seconds. "Hey- if you want... you probably haven't done this before, so it'll probably sound really weird to you- but you know those kinds of relationships where people just... hook up?"

Jungkook froze. "No!" Jungkook said loudly. "No- look! Either I date you, or I don't. I don't want any of that fuckbuddies crap," Jungkook said frantically, sounding scared. "If that's what you want- then I don't want you to think about me like-"

"Okay- okay, relax. I was just asking, don't worry. Plus, I'm not the kind of guy to sleep around. I like intimacy and feelings and shit." Sehun said, and Jungkook giggled. Jungkook kissed his cheek and then saw Sehun blush a little and turn around to walk away.

Taehyung gulped and straightened up, turning to walk back to the dorms. He watched as Sehun walked past him, and saw how he was wearing a jersey, the captain's jersey.

Taehyung knew the long weekend was coming up- so he rushed into his bedroom, dropped his books, and instantly took his laptop out to book a train ticket back home.

///

The train ride from Busan to Daegu took an hour. Taehyung was in a blue coat, not wearing his bandana, looking outside at the greenery and snow in silence throughout.

He finally reached and picked his bag up, walking off the train. He walked out of the train station. He got a taxi and took it to where he needed to go. He reached the place and then saw a woman selling flowers and tea outside.

"Can I have one bouquet of those?" Taehyung asked, pointing at one of the purple lilies. The woman smiled and picked them out, handing them over to Taehyung. "And two cups of green tea, please," Taehyung said, and she handed that over too in small ceramic cups. Taehyung paid her.

"Thank you." She smiled, and Taehyung gave her a nod, and then turned and walked away, holding the small holdable tray of tea cups and purple flowers.

Taehyung walked on the damp dirt path, the only sound being that of birds chirping and tree branches rustling from the wind. Taehyung waked across the ground and finally reached. He saw the stone slab and felt his throat close up.

Kim Seoyeon
1982 - 2013
Loving and beautiful mother

Taehyung reached down, sitting beside the grave. "Hi mom." He whispered, feeling the lump in his throat that always rose. Taehyung placed the bouquet of flowers on her grave and placed the cup of green tea beside it.

Every time he visited his mother, he brought green tea for her. "I know I haven't met you for months. Truthfully... I was just... really happy for some time." Taehyung said, and then looked down at his fingers, gulping.

He looked at his mother's grave. "I'm sorry, mom," Taehyung said softly, feeling his skin tingle beneath his eyes, moisture growing in them. "I-I'm sorry."

He dragged his fingers down the dust on her gravestone. "I d-don't know w-what to do, how to- how to feel. I wish you were h-here." Taehyung let out and then looked down. "A-all these years. I hated dad. I hated him so much. B-but now I feel l-like I've become like him."

Taehyung sniffled, feeling a tear roll down his eye. "N-none of m-my friends like me anymore. T-the coach kicked me o-off as captain. T-the only person I liked... I h-hit him. I shouldn't have-" Taehyung began, and then put his hand on his face, tears rolling down his skin. "H-how am I any different t-than dad?"

Taehyung took a deep breath, looking up at the sky, seeing it blur in his vision. "I j-just-" Taehyung began, and then closed his eyes. "I don't want to d-disappoint you," Taehyung whispered.

Taehyung heard the silence after his words and then continued looking up, seeing the clouds meld together, moving slowly. He remembered the sound of his mother crying while his father hurt her because he kissed a boy.

He remembered how his mother came back later and cradled him in her arms, pressing kisses to his forehead. And then she told him she'd protect him forever.

Taehyung looked up. Protect him forever.

Taehyung looked at his mother's gravestone. His mother didn't leave his father as early as she did because she had Taehyung. His mother didn't divorce him because of Taehyung. His mother didn't tell her husband about anything bad Taehyung did to make sure he doesn't get yelled at.

Whenever Taehyung got bad grades or did something bad. His mother would keep quiet about it, and just tell Taehyung gently that it wasn't alright. Or if his father did find out, she'd talk to him softly and tell him to not take it out on Taehyung- that he's just a child, that he hadn't done anything wrong. To take it out on her instead.

Taehyung froze. His mother was always just trying to protect him.

She'd always been so loving, so kind, so accepting, so- so nurturing and mature. There's no possible way she could've been mean and vengeful towards anyone. Taehyung remembers after a certain dinner at home when his father had made some racist comments. Later his mother told him that his father was wrong, and there's no need for hatred against anyone for their race.

His mother taught him to be kind, to love everyone, to not hurt people, to be caring. His mother taught him to not treat people differently for their cast, color, creed, anything.

Taehyung sat up. There's no way she would be disappointed of Taehyung.

She would be happy.

She would be so happy that Taehyung found someone he liked so much. She'd ask him everything about Jungkook, and tease Taehyung for acting the way he would, and brush his hair and tell him to never hurt Jungkook.

She wouldn't be disappointed.

Taehyung smiled to himself. Maybe, just maybe he was wrong about his sudden epiphany. But deep on the inside, he knows his mother better than his father ever did. And he knows his mother would accept him in a heartbeat.

Taehyung got up from the dirt, smiling. "I love you, mama," Taehyung whispered, pressing a kiss to his fingertips and tracing them across her gravestone.

Being with his father for so long, Taehyung had become mean, rude, toxic to the people who showed him love. He'd become like his father.

Taehyung didn't like that. He didn't want to be that person- the person everyone hides from and is scared of and doesn't want to be around. Because that doesn't make him any different from his father.

And what else- Taehyung has never given a single fuck about what his father thought or did. So why would he start now? Frankly- Taehyung doesn't care. He doesn't care anymore.

He doesn't care about what anyone thinks. He's going to be like his mother and put himself first. He doesn't care.

He can love whoever he wants.

Taehyung reached school on Saturday night, the whole day passed by visiting his mother. He knew he only did it because the whole of next week he'd be thinking about how it was the anniversary of his mother's death. So he'd visited her earlier, gotten the closure he needed.

Taehyung rushed into the school building, dressed in his blue coat and beige high neck sweater and tan jeans. He rushed down the hallways of the dormitories, knowing where he was headed, knowing who he needed to talk to.

He was aware no one wanted to speak to him. But maybe. Just maybe- if-if he tried hard enough if he just was persistent enough-

Taehyung bumped into someone, not even realizing. He looked and saw Youngjae, whose eyes were widened in fright. "I-I'm so sorry-" Youngjae stammered, taking a step back.

But Taehyung put his hands on Youngjae's shoulders. "Don't worry," Taehyung said, and then smiled. "Youngjae- you're actually really good at football. What Sehun told you about the footing was wrong. I never told you this- but you shouldn't be playing mid. You should be playing striker. 'Cause you're really really good." Taehyung said, and Youngjae's eyes were wide.

"W-what?" Youngjae let out, and Taehyung gave him a look. "I'm sorry for ever being mean to you. I hope I can make up for how shit I was to you. I'll see you tomorrow. I need to go now. Bye!" Taehyung said and then continued running.

Youngjae's eyes were wide as saucers, and he almost fainted. Taehyung was high as hell, Youngjae thought. That could be the only explanation. But somewhere inside, Youngjae was happy. Really happy.

Taehyung rushed to Jungkook's room and then stopped, taking a deep breath. Taehyung knocked on the door twice. He waited for it to open, and then let out the deep breath when it did, and Jungkook was on the other side.

He looked beautiful. His hair was falling, must've just dried it. He was wearing a pink sweater and what looked like yoga pants. Jungkook looked at Taehyung. "What?" Jungkook asked, sounding annoyed.

"Jungkook," Taehyung said softly and then smiled hesitantly. "I know. I know you're mad at me. I know I'm a terrible person. I don't want you to think I'm trying to redeem myself. You don't have to accept my apology," Taehyung said, and Jungkook watched silently. "But I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Ever."

Jungkook was quiet. Taehyung took that as an indication to continued. "I know you don't like me. And I'm so sorry it took me so long to finally understand," Taehyung said, and then smiled at little. "Understand how goddamn stupid I was. I mean- fuck. If I just- If I weren't such an asshole, Kookie, maybe the two of us could've-" Taehyung trailed off, and saw Jungkook looking at him with widened eyes.

"What're you doing?" Jungkook asked, and Taehyung gulped. "Nothing. Nothing- don't think I'm here to kiss you and make you mine- or- or try and have sex with you or something weird. I've just realized. I realized t-that- I like you, Kookie." Taehyung said, and then dropped his head down. "I know you're thinking I sound really fucking stupid. But I like y-you so much. And-"

"No. N-no- don't do this," Jungkook said, shaking his head. "You're lying again. You just want to fuck me. You just-"

"No, not at all. I promise." Taehyung said weakly, looking at him closely. "Kookie, I've been thinking so much lately, a-and-" Taehyung began, and smiled a little. "J-just been thinking about you h-has been keeping me sane, Kookie. I m-mean, these past two weeks have b-been the worst for me. Just seeing you smile in the hallways was more than enough-" Taehyung said softly.

Jungkook looked at him for a few seconds in disbelief and then pushed past him, walking out of the room. Taehyung frowned and turned around, and then saw Sehun there. Taehyung saw as Jungkook walked up to Sehun, grabbed the taller boy by the collar, and pressed their lips together.

Taehyung stopped at the doorway, eyes wide. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Jungkook kissed Sehun firmly, moving their lips together with intensity. Taehyung watched in confusion and then saw Jungkook pull away.

"V-" Jungkook began, and then looked at him. "I never told you." Jungkook continued, trying to sound normal. "Sehun's my boyfriend,"

Taehyung froze. He watched Jungkook with wavering eyes and then saw Jungkook look up at Sehun with his big, big beautiful eyes, and smile at him. "He was very persistent." Jungkook giggled and saw Sehun smile.

Taehyung looked at them for a few seconds, and then felt his insides go lax, his mind go blank. "That's great," Taehyung said, voice parched. "I'll just- um- I-I'm gonna g-go," Taehyung said with a quick smile, and then turned around and walked away, heart beating rapidly.

Jungkook saw him walk away and then looked back at Sehun, who had his eyebrow raised. "...I'm your boyfriend now?" Sehun asked, and Jungkook gulped.

"Yeah. I'm ready now. I really am. I don't want to think or let my old- old relationship stop me. I like you, Sehunnie," Jungkook whispered, and Sehun smiled. "I don't want to be hesitant."

"Good, good," Sehun said, and then wrapped his arms around Jungkook's waist. "What was V here to talk about?"

"Nothing. He was being an asshole like usual." Jungkook giggled nervously, and Sehun snickered and then kissed Jungkook again. Jungkook kissed him back and then saw him pull away.

"I actually came here to ask you out again. Seeing as that won't be necessary, I'm gonna go back to the library and get my homework finished. See you at dinner." Sehun said, kissing Jungkook's cheek. Jungkook blushed and nodded, and then saw him walk away.

Jungkook took a deep breath and then walked back inside his room. He saw Jimin sitting on his bed. He'd heard everything, and had his eyes wide. Jimin gulped. He had to talk to Taehyung.

Taehyung rushed into his room and closed the door behind him, and then fell onto his bed, clutching his sheets tightly. Taehyung felt the moisture building up and cursed out. He didn't want to cry. Not again. Not constantly. Couldn't keep crying like this. Couldn't keep weakening himself-

Taehyung felt tears fall down his face and felt himself spiraling, powerless. Taehyung gripped his pillow tightly and gritted his teeth and tears continued rushing down his cheeks.

V. I never told you. Sehun's my boyfriend.

Taehyung pressed his face against his hands, feeling his nails scratching down his cheekbone in anger as he continued thinking of the way Jungkook smiled up at him.

Sehun's my boyfriend.

How Jungkook kissed him so firmly, grabbed his collar and looked up at him with big eyes. It was all too fucking much. He didn't want- didn't want Jungkook to leave him. Didn't want him to go away. Didn't want to lose him like he lost everyone else.

And god fucking damnit- Taehyung was such a terrible person. He was absolutely vile, horrible, fucking pathetic. He should be happy for Jungkook, be happy for his happiness. But no- Taehyung was selfish, and mean, and hated, and worthless. Jungkook deserved everything in the world except him.

Taehyung fell asleep crying, eyes clasped shut tightly. He knew the next week would be absolutely fucking terrible.