Warning: discussion of suicide

~

Ken couldn't stop running. They had to save him, they had to -

"Guh!"

Ken sprang into an upright position, flinging their weighted blanket off of them in the process. They struggled to catch their breath as their tired eyes darted around the dark room. Slowly, their eyes adjusted to the murkiness.

"Ngh, Ken?"

Ken's head whirled around to gaze down at Daigo, who was stirring awake beside them. A wave of relief washed over them, and they nearly collapsed back onto the mattress beside him. The clock on the bedside table said 1:52.

"Wuzzwrong?" Daigo asked sleepily.

"Nothing," Ken heaved, a grin nearly splitting their face in half. They leaned over to press a grateful kiss against Daigo's forehead. "Nothing at all."

Daigo frowned. He pulled Ken towards him, wrapping an arm around their waist.

"Cry all you want," he mumbled guiltily.

As though triggered to do so, Ken began to sob quietly, tears spilling onto the pillow as they grappled for the blanket. They took hold of Daigo and pulled him closer to them, kissing his cheek twice. Daigo squeezed them so hard Ken felt as though their ribs would pop, but they didn't care. They just wanted to feel him there with them, that was all that mattered.

"I was so close to losing you, too," Ken whimpered.

Daigo waited patiently for Ken to cease their weeping. He reached out his hand to gingerly wipe their tears away with the back of his hand. He felt as though a boulder had lodged itself in his stomach.

"Your dad told me about what happened to Yuki," he said at last. "I knew that she died when you were nine, but you never told me it was suicide. I'm not angry at you for not telling me, it's just . . . I'm sorry I triggered a memory like that."

"I know you didn't mean to," Ken sniffed.

Ken momentarily closed their eyes, allowing the last of the tears to trickle away. When they opened once again, they searched for Daigo's within the darkness, and soon enough, the green found the black. For a moment, the only sounds in the room were the two of them simply breathing in the other's presence.

"D'you think the world would be a better place without you?" Ken asked softly. They were dreading the answer, but it was a question that needed to be asked.

Daigo took a deep breath.

"I don't think that was a factor in this," he answered. "I just want all the hurt to finally stop."

"So, you're tryna look for a permanent solution for a temporary problem." Ken reasoned, speaking slowly so Daigo would catch every syllable. For a moment, Daigo was uncomfortably silent.

"Ryota used to be the only person who could make me happy," Daigo explained. "I don't wanna keep living in a world without him."

"You'll learn to live with it." Ken promised. "If I did, so can you."

Ken could make out Daigo shrugging his shoulders.

"Have you ever felt like you'd be better off dead?" he asked nervously. "I remember both of us being pretty depressed in high school."

"Yeah, I have," Ken admitted, "but it was never to a point where I attempted - I would've told you about that, anyway."

"I know you would've," Daigo replied lovingly.

Ken couldn't help but smile.

"How much do you really know about me?" they teased.

"Really?" Daigo sighed. "At what, like . . . two in the fuckin' morning?"

"C'mon," Ken whined, nudging Daigo under the blanket. "Don't leave me hangin'."

Daigo sighed.

"Well," he started, "your favorite color's olive green - not just any green, olive green; you're not a therian, but you still think therians are really cool; you really wanna like hot chocolate, but you're too sensitive to it; your favorite musician is the American singer Mitski, and her song 'Last Words of a Shooting Star' makes you cry every time; you always say your favorite animals are wolves, but in reality, they're huskies; your face gets all puffy when you eat takoyaki 'cause you don't wanna blow out all the steam into other people's faces; whenever you think about something for too long, your nose gets all scrunched up; the first time you wore makeup is when you stole Chinatsu's favorite lip gloss when we were fifteen and she nearly killed you - "

Ken started to laugh, a beautiful laugh that made Daigo's heart sing.

"I love you, Daigo," they giggled.

Daigo smiled back. In reality, he wanted to go on for days, listing every little thing he loved about Ken. But he was too tired to do so.

"I love you, too," he replied. "Your turn now."

Ken tucked some of Daigo's hair behind his ear. They began:

"Your favorite horror movie is Audition, which came out in 1999, purely 'cause of how disturbing it is and much analyzing it allows you to do; you and I got our beys at around the same age, but you were much better at it starting off than I was; when you and your family first got Mimi and Bibi, you were so bad at names that you deadass tried calling them Cat One and Cat Two; you dressed up as the Grim Reaper for Halloween four years in a row; you cheated once in the regional tournament when we were eleven, but you had it forfeited afterwards and have never done anything like that since; sometimes, you like going to bookstores when you have nothing better to do; in our junior year of high school, you fell asleep in math class exactly thirty-two times 'cause you weren't getting a lotta sleep; you played Yandere Simulator once and have since developed a burning hatred for it, but you actually don't mind Danganronpa.

"Want me to keep going?"

Daigo had almost fallen back asleep - Ken's voice was just as soothing as always.

"I'm good," he murmured. "Thank you."

Ken smiled warmly as they traced their fingers over Daigo's jawline, memorizing his facial features. But after a moment, their smile faded.

"D'you think we should tell the others about what happened?" they asked.

"Yeah," Daigo answered drowsily. "They deserve to know."

"You're a real soldier, aren't ya?" Ken gushed.

"'M tired of being one," Daigo admitted sadly.

"Well, I'll be your frontline nurse then," Ken promised with a cheerful grin. Daigo managed to smile back.

"You're so cute," he responded.

Seconds later, Daigo was fast asleep in Ken's arms. Ken tightened their hold on him, desperate to keep him safe.

The next morning, Ken was woken up by the sunlight pooling in from the window, coupled with the twittering of birds outside. Daigo's dark hair caught the sunbeams, making the red streaks stand out even more. Ken didn't want to wake him up when he was sleeping so peacefully, so as carefully as they could, they tried to sneak out of bed. But just as they pulled a fresh pair of socks from the closet -

"'Morning, Ken."

Alerted by Daigo's drowsy voice, Ken turned around to find him slowly sitting up in bed, yawning as he did so. Ken grinned at him.

"G'morning, sleepyhead," they replied in a singsong voice. "Whaddya wanna do today?"

"I dunno," Daigo muttered hopelessly. He flopped back onto the pillow.

Ken managed a somber smile and gathered an outfit together, heading to the hall bathroom to get dressed. They had just spat the leftover toothpaste into the sink after brushing their teeth when Daigo knocked on the bathroom door.

"C'min," Ken called.

Daigo slowly opened the door, looking a tad embarrassed.

"What's up?" Ken asked him.

Daigo awkwardly palmed the back of his neck.

"Can I do your hair?" was what he asked.

Ken's heart melted in an instant, and of course, they answered yes. Moments later (since Daigo was shorter than them), Ken was sitting cross-legged at the foot of their bed, leaning against Daigo's legs. Daigo slowly guided a hairbrush through their long black tresses, handling it with care - he was surprisingly good at it. He took a green scrunchie and pushed Ken's hair out of their face.

"Why's it outta my face?" Ken asked, doing their best to stay still.

"I just think you look better this way," Daigo replied bluntly. "I love looking at you.

"There, I'm done. You like it?"

Blushing heavily, Ken stood up and went to look at themselves in the mirror, admiring their new half up half down style. The green scrunchie shone like an emerald among their ebony black hair. A huge grin crossed their face as gender euphoria surged up inside them, and they started wringing their hands happily.