Warning: discussion of suicide, panic attack

~

The last time Ken had sat by the riverside, they had told Daigo how they felt about him - well, sort of. But this time, Daigo was there first, waiting for them with an expectant smile. The gorgeous sunset was reflected in his eyes.

Ken joined Daigo by the river, sitting cross-legged next to him. Their heart was going a million miles per hour, but they couldn't help but feel like something bad was about to happen. It wasn't that they felt they were in danger, no: on the contrary, they were scared that Daigo was becoming a threat to himself. They were scared that they were about to repeat a memory that they had long since tried to repress.

"Everything okay?" Ken asked.

Daigo smiled at them affectionately, looking them right in the eye.

"Valt was your first real friend, right?" he asked.

Ken nodded.

"Well," Daigo went on, "I think you were my first friend, Ken."

Ken couldn't help but smile back.

"I'm really honored to hear that," they responded.

"For eleven years, I didn't know what friendship really was," Daigo explained. "But then you popped into my life. I can never thank you enough for all you've done for me. You've given me more than I can say."

Ken was touched. How could they forget? Two years before, Daigo was the first person they came out to as agender, even before their own family. They trusted him that much.

"What can I say?" they said with a soft, truthful grin. "You mean more to me than you'll ever know."

Ken noticed that Daigo was suddenly looking a little bashful, but his eyes seemed . . . empty.

"I just wanted you to know how much I love you."

What?

Ken was about to open their mouth. But before they could say anything, Daigo gently pulled them in by the back of their head and brought their lips to his. Ken gasped into the kiss, but quickly leaned into it as their heart nearly jumped up into their throat. They kissed him back fervently, gripping the back of Daigo's hoodie. They wanted to swallow him whole, absorb him, even.

Hold on - no. This wasn't how this was supposed to happen.

Ken forced themselves to pull away, but they could feel Daigo trying to bring them in for another kiss.

"Daigo, wait - "

"Please - "

"Wait."

Daigo immediately stopped what he was doing, letting go of Ken and sitting back. His face was beet red. Ken could see their own scarlet face in his eyes, so full of love and dread.

"Sorry," Daigo mumbled regretfully.

"I-it's fine," Ken reassured him. "I'm not upset."

No. They were upset, but not about the kiss.

Ken grasped Daigo by the shoulders with shaking hands. When they spoke, they did so slowly so Daigo would catch every syllable.

"Do you want to kill yourself?"

Daigo's whole body relaxed, while Ken's tensed. His face went ashen. That was all the answer Ken needed; they began to feel their eyes water as their stomach seemed to drop to the center of the Earth.

"No," Ken feebly squeaked out.

"Ken, I can't do it anymore," Daigo said quietly, almost a whisper. His voice broke.

"No, you can't," Ken's voice grew ragged. They tightened their grip on their beloved. "I can't lose you, too."

"I can't live without him!" Daigo gasped, almost pleading. Tears began to trickle down his pale, beautiful face.

Ken shook their head rapidly. No. Not after Ryota. Not after Yuki.

"At least stay for Doomscizor!" Ken begged.

"I don't care!" Daigo wailed, breaking Ken's heart in an instant. "Don't you get it, Ken!? I'm at the end of my rope!"

"No you're fucking not!" Ken snapped. They could feel anger and desperation boiling in their gut as they started to panic. They brought their hands to Daigo's cheeks.

"Please, Daigo. I dunno what I'd do without you, genuinely! You're my everything!"

Daigo dissolved into tears. Ken pulled him into their shoulder, cradling him like they had done the night after Ryota met his maker. Ken pressed their lips to his ear.

"I need you," they whispered tearfully. "Don't go, don't leave me."

Daigo held Ken desperately as though they could be ripped away from him at any moment. He wanted to apologize over and over and over again. He just wanted the pain to stop.

"I just want the pain to stop," he repeated out loud.

"I know you do," Ken replied. "And I know it won't ever stop completely. But you'll learn to live with it. Just like I did."

They let that last part fly out before they could stop themselves. But Daigo didn't ask. He didn't pry.

Ken took a deep breath, slowly letting the panic leave their body.

"Here's what's gonna happen." they said firmly, a frown forming on their face. "I'm gonna take you home. I'm gonna walk you to your door. You're gonna eat something, take a shower, and brush your teeth. Then you're gonna go to bed, and you will wake up the next morning. And when I send you a good morning text, you'd better respond. You understand?"

A final tear slipped down Ken's face. Daigo looked them in the eyes and nodded slowly. He looked so . . . puny.

"I understand."

Ken struggled to their feet, legs shaking as they pulled Daigo up with them. They gripped his cold hand as they walked home together, not relinquishing their hold on him even for a moment. When they finally arrived back at their apartment building, the sun had long since disappeared.

The elevator slowly took the two of them up to the eleventh floor. Ken walked Daigo to his own apartment, watching as he unlocked the door. Daigo lifted his head and turned to look back at Ken after he had opened it.

"Thank you."

Ken bit their tongue to hold in a sob. They brought Daigo in for a hug, giving him a tight squeeze before finally letting go of him, even though they wished they could hold him forever. Daigo soon disappeared behind the door, his footsteps fading down the hall.

Dead silence followed. Ken suddenly felt a rush of panic grip their heart. Their breathing grew rough and unsteady, and the walls seemed to be closing in on them like a death trap. They tried closing their eyes shut, but all they could see was poor Yuki standing on the balcony railing. Then she was falling . . . falling . . .

No, no, not again!

Ken sprinted down the hallway to the elevator as fast as their legs could carry them. They slammed their thumb on the button, barely able to stand still as they impatiently waited for the elevator. They sank into a corner as the machine took them down to the fourth floor, grasping at their own throat as though trying to strangle themselves. Sights . . . smells . . . the sound of their heaving . . . everything was a blur.

Ken's hands were quaking wildly as they fit their key into the lock of their apartment. When they finally stumbled in, they slammed the door behind them, sinking to the floor once again. Tears spilled from their eyes like a waterfall, and they began to sob uncontrollably. They covered their hands with their face.

"Kenny!?"

Chinatsu hurried out of the kitchen and raced towards her younger sibling, crouching down in front of them. She pulled their hands away from their face.

"What happened?"

"Dai- . . . Daigo . . ."

"Hey, hey, easy. Breathe with me."

Ken gripped onto Chinatsu's wrists as she gently cupped their face. Gradually, their breathing began to slow as they gazed into their sister's eyes. They remembered now. Oh, poor Yuki, their dear eldest sister. She had only been sixteen.

"What's wrong, buddy?" Chinatsu asked, eyes full of worry.

Ken swallowed the rest of their tears, heart pounding in their eardrums.

"I think Daigo's gonna kill himself."

Chinatsu's face dropped. She had done this before.

"Did you talk to him?"

Ken nodded frantically.

"Then you've done all you can," Chinatsu reassured them.

"He told me he loved me," Ken sniveled pathetically, as though to argue with her.

"I know, I know he does," Chinatsu simpered. "He won't leave you: you mean too much to him."

Ken sobbed into their sister's shoulder, despair filling their body like endless night.

Goodnight, I love you so much, was the text Ken sent to Daigo before bed later on. They waited anxiously for a response. . . .

I love you, too.