TW: mentioning of suicidal thoughts

꧁⟢ ⍭〄⍭ ⟣꧂

Hyunjin lay awake in his bed and it was incredibly difficult for him to fall asleep.

He had eaten ramen when he arrived home and threw his laundry into the washing machine and then realized that he had to take a shower before he could even think about going to sleep.

And although he felt a little better by showering, he had certainly been awake in bed for an hour and just couldn't fall asleep.

His thoughts revolved around the incident with the patient. He wondered if he could have handled it differently. Whether it would have had a other outcome if he had reacted differently.

Sighing, he pressed his head into the pillow. If he hadn't had to work later, he might have drunk some alcohol to fall asleep, but at least for now that wasn't the solution.

He had just closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep again when his phone started to vibrate.

🐾Felix🐾

The fact that his best friend called him involuntarily made him smile and although he knew that he actually had to sleep, he accepted the call. "Hey babe."

"Omg Babe, you won't believe it," Felix screamed in his ear and Hyunjin couldn't help but smile. When his best friend was so excited, there was no way to stop for him.

"What's up little one?" he asked and suppressed a yawn.

"Minho asked if I would help him learn for his second try for the exam in English. He says when he fails again, he will probably  be kicked out of college," squeaks Felix and Hyunjin knew very well that the younger one was just jumping up and down with excitement.

"Almost as good as a date, babe," Hyunjin muttered and snuggled up under the blanket with the phone pressed to his ear.

"Yes, isn't it?! Maybe I can help him pass the exam and out of gratitude he will go out with me," said Felix and sighed blissfully.

Hyunjin yawned and closed his eyes. He felt a little better, distracted by Felix's exuberant joy and he felt how he slowly became sleepy.

"Babe, can you maybe tell me something or read to me so that I can fall asleep? I've been lying awake for ages and have to go back to work later. I should urgently get some more sleep," he murmured and yawned again.

"Of course my not so sleeping beauty," Felix said and Hyunjin, he could hear exactly the smile out of his words.

And so Felix began to talk. Of how he was going to make Minho fall in love with him.

Actually, it didn't depend so much on what he was talking about, but much more on the fact that Hyunjin no longer felt so terribly alone.

Wrapped in Felix's deep, gentle voice, he finally managed to push aside the memory of what happened and finally fall asleep.

⍭〄⍭

Even before Chan opened his eyes, he realized that something was completely wrong.

He felt very well that his wrists were tied to the bed frame and it drove him crazy.

Annoyed, he opened his eyes and stared at the shackles around his wrists as if they were disappearing from it.

Sighing, he closed his eyes again for a moment and then tore the shackles with all his power, but it was of no use. The shackles were so tight that it was impossible for him to free himself and his feeling told him that it would take a while for someone to come and look after him.

He stared out of the window when suddenly scraps of memory of last night appeared in his head.

The blonde, young caregiver who had stared at him with big eyes and so shocked. The question of whether he could let him go again. His reaction and the attempt to tear the wounds on his arm again.

Deep inside he wanted to fight. He wanted to live the life that his parents and siblings hadn't been able to. But his thoughts were rarely so clear that he could recognize what he really wanted.

For everything apart from this tiny part, his life no longer made sense to him. He had loved his parents and his little siblings almost even more.

With tears in his eyes, he tore at his shackles again, even if he knew exactly that it would not help.

He felt exposed and incapacitated. It was his life and he should have been in control of what he wanted to do with it. And damn he wanted to end his shitty life.

"I don't want this anymore," he whispered and finally the tears ran down his face.

Completely overwhelmed by his feelings, he fell asleep again and the next time he opened his eyes, his psychiatrist sat on the chair next to his bed and behind him were two caregivers.

"Good morning Chan. How do you feel today?" asked the psychiatrist and smiled at him as if he wanted to convince him that it was a wonderful day.

Chan raised his eyebrows in a derogatory and rolled his eyes. "As if you was really interested in what I want... then you would let me go and we would all have no more problems."

"I will be very happy to let you go when you're well again and you are ready to restart your life," said the man still smiling, but Chan didn't even really listen anymore.

"Yeah, sure..." he said and put on a fake smile because he just wanted the guy to leave his room.

"We have adapted your medication and you will be monitored all day today so that we can estimate that it's the right adjustment."

Chan nodded disinterestedly and looked out the window.

Which finally led to the psychiatrist standing up quietly sighing. "If you want, you can take a shower now and then have breakfast, but the two caregivers will be by your side all the time!"

At Chan's nod, the carers took his handcuffs off.

He had to pull himself together very much, not jump up directly and try something, because it was clear to him that the caregivers had sedatives with them and he would be tied back to the bed faster than he would even get off the bandages.

Sighing, he rolled his eyes and went into the bathroom, undressed and after the caregivers had taken off his bandages, he stood in the shower.

Apart from the fact that the warm water sting insanely on his wounds, it felt good to take a shower.

Actually, he would have liked to have been alone and let his tears run wild, but he knew that wouldn't happen.

So he hastened to finish quickly and to block out that he wasn't alone in the bathroom and was observed.

After he had finished, one of the caregivers bandaged his arms with clean bandages and finally he was able to go to breakfast.

Most tables were already occupied and most patients sat together in small groups, but Chan just wanted to be alone.

After he had chosen his breakfast, whereby it had to be said that the selection was neither large nor satisfactory, he carried his tablet to the farthest corner in the room where he had his peace.

The caretakers sat down near him and watched him, but otherwise left him alone.

The rest of the day passed excruciatingly slowly. First he had group therapy, then there was lunch and in the one-on-one conversation with his therapist who really wanted to let him know that his life was valuable and he only had to find a goal that he would like to achieve and for which it would be worthwhile to start life again.

Chan would have liked to slap him in his fucking face and tell him what a stupid idiot he was and where he could stuff his much more stupid advice.

But he just sat there and nodded disinterested.

But when the guy also wanted him to talk about his feelings and worries, the patience just tore apart.

"Did you lose your whole family in a car accident and had to listen to how they were burned? No?! Then just fucking shut up!" Chan said angrily, got up and left the therapy room.

The anger boiled hot in him and for the first time since the accident he felt something other than the paralyzing emptiness and despair in himself.

He had to get out. Had the feeling that he couldn't stand the walls around him. As if they were getting closer and would crush him.

He jerked around to his caretakers and struggled for his words, while he gasped for air. "Out!?"

The caretakers looked at each other and nodded.

One of them reached for Chan's arm and pulled him through the endless corridors of the institution, while the other pulled a phone out of his pocket and called someone.

When they arrived outside, Chan could finally breathe properly again and the tightness in his chest subsided a little.

He took a deep breath a few times and then sat down on the bench that stood near the entrance.

From the corner of his eye he saw how the second carer came into the garden, but for the moment he decided not to get upset about it, but to breathe in the cool air and feel a little better at least for a moment.

꧁⟢ ⍭〄⍭ ⟣꧂