chapter seventy two

seonghwa sat in his room thursday night with his heart racing and his eyes crying as he had been doing for the whole week.

"i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of fucking crying." seonghwa whispered to himself as he pulled at his jet black hair, standing up from his bed and pacing around his room like a mad man.

as it has been for the past week, seonghwa's mind was running absolutely wild. his thoughts were everywhere, all with one specific end goal; to finally get hongjoong back.

after his conversation with his friends earlier that day, seonghwa realized something about himself.

he was truly, madly, deeply in love with kim hongjoong.

seonghwa realized that he loved everything about hongjoong. from the top of his bleach blonde head to the bottom of his tiny little feet, hongjoong was seonghwa's one and only person.

from his endless collection of stuffed animals to his to his obvious obsession with strawberries, from his unique fashion sense to his love for disney movies, from his adorable habit of constantly giggling to his undeniably beautiful features, seonghwa loved everything that made hongjoong, hongjoong.

all the differences that made hongjoong were perfect, and seonghwa was so disappointed in himself for not realizing that until it was way too late.

seonghwa stopped his pacing and made his way out of his room to find his mother. she always had the best advice, and advice was exactly what seonghwa needed at that moment.

after exiting his bedroom, seonghwa heard the living room television on and realized that his mother was in there. he quickly made his was inside the room and found his mother laying on the couch, watching some drama that he didn't know the name of.

"mom, c-can i talk to you?" seonghwa stuttered out, his unstable voice immediately catching the attention of his mother. she paused her show and moved over on the couch, patting the seat next to her for seonghwa to sit down.

as soon as seonghwa took a seat and looked into his mother's eyes, he broke down. he started sobbing uncontrollably, chest rising up and down quicker than he could control. seonghwa's mom pulled him in for a hug, squeezing him tightly in an attempt to calm him down.

"seonghwa honey, what's wrong?" she asked calmly, unsure of why her son was such a mess.

"m-mom, remember last week when i went to the formal? when i said h-hongjoong couldn't go? and then i ended up coming home early?" seonghwa asked after he calmed himself down a bit and his mother nodded her head yes, "well, i lied to you. i lied to you and everyone in my life, including h-hongjoong." seonghwa choked up on hongjoong's name, crying even harder after hearing it said out loud.

"what do you mean you lied to everyone in your life?" she asked him, continuing to hug her balling son. seonghwa took a minute to continue crying before finally getting enough air to speak again.

"w-well, these guys in my grade saw me with hongjoong one day... and to make a long story short, instead of listening to my heart, i let what they said control me. i let their opinions on hongjoong control what i did with the boy i like. and no, before you yell at me, i'm not blaming anything on them. this was one hundred percent my fault. i'm an idiot, mom. a complete i-idiot." seonghwa tried his best to explain the story quickly to his mother, not wanting to explain it to someone out loud for a second time that day. his mother nodded her head and continued rubbing seonghwa's back in a comforting way after he spoke.

"so tell me, what was the lie you told?" sunhee asked again, still confused from not getting a real straight forward answer from her son before.

"instead of taking hongjoong to the formal, i told him i was busy that night. i lied to him and said my aunt was having her fiftieth birthday party. i had every intention of going to the formal, but no intentions of taking hongjoong with me.

before the actual formal night, jongho told me that he wasn't going to the formal anymore because he had broken up with his girlfriend. what he forgot to tell everyone was that he got a date last minute and ended up showing up to the dance. he actually didn't think anything of it when he saw me and i told him that my aunt's party was cancelled, but his date did.

his date was one of hongjoong's friends named yeosang. i guess yeosang must've texted hongjoong or something because not even ten minutes after jongho showed up, i got a call from a very angry hongjoong. he called me a liar and a fake and said that i never actually cared about him or our relationship.

and since that night, he hasn't spoken to me. i've tried calling him and texting him, but nothing. i'm always denied and left on read. i deserve it, i know, but i miss him so much. i realized today that not only do i like hongjoong, but... i really think i love him, mom. i'm in love with him, and i r-ruined it. i ruined every chance i had with him and it hurts so so much. all i want is my joongie back." seonghwa finished explaining everything to his mother as he kept his head in her chest, the tears continuing to fall from his eyes as he spoke each word.

before answering him, sunhee continued to rub her son's head and back. she kept whispering 'shh' and 'it's ok' in his ear over and over again, trying her best to calm him down a bit. eventually seonghwa stopped crying and sat up, unable to look his mother in the eyes as he did so.

"now seonghwa, i'm extremely disappointed in you. if i'm being honest, i don't think i've ever been more disappointed in you than i am right now. what you did to hongjoong was beyond disgusting. now did you do this to him because you didn't want people to know you were dating someone like him?" she questioned, already knowing what seonghwa's reply would be. seonghwa nodded his head yes, unable to answer with words from how horrible he felt about the whole situation.

"i really thought i taught you better, seonghwa. i thought you were a better person than that. so what you did was punish him, leave him out, because of something he was born with, something he can't control? how do you think that makes him feel? you, someone who probably means so much to that poor boy, hurt him because he was different? i don't know if you guys had a label, but what if you were in hongjoong's shoes and your boyfriend lied to you and left you out of things because of something out of your control?" seonghwa's mother asked her son, wanting to put it in his head that what he did was completely wrong.

"i know mom, trust me i know! this is why i'm so angry with myself, i hurt him so bad and i did it because of something he can't control. and now, i don't know how to fix it. i ruined all the chances i had with the first person i've ever truly loved." seonghwa finally looked up from his lap and into his mother's eyes, the hurt clear in his dark brown, teary eyes.

"you've used that words a few times now, so it really must be true." she chuckled, putting a hand on seonghwa's thigh as she spoke. seonghwa looked confused, not understanding what his mother meant.

"what word?" he asked with furrowed eyebrows.

"love. i've never heard you use that word besides when you were talking about me or your father. you've had previous relationships and never once did i hear you say you loved them, so this hongjoong boy must really mean a lot to you." sunhee said to her son with a smile on her lips.

"yeah, he does. i've never felt this way about anyone in my entire life." seonghwa smiled to himself while thinking of hongjoong in his head.

"well, maybe you should've thought of that before you broke the poor boy's heart." she chuckled, trying to make light of the conversation by adding a small joke.

"yunho said the exact same thing to me! i swear, he's literally a mother trapped inside a seventeen year old's body." seonghwa laughed along with his mother, smiling widely as he did so.

"why don't you try going to his house or something? i don't know, maybe bake him a cake? you always talk about how much he loves stuffed animals, why don't you get him one or something? come up with a way to apologize?" seonghwa's mother suggested, trying to help her son come up with ideas to fix the sticky situation he got himself into. 

"wait, you're actually onto something." seonghwa exclaimed, rubbing his temples hard to think of an idea.

"oh really, i am? wow, i'm just that good." sunhee dusted off her shoulder and leaned back on the couch cockily. seonghwa rolled his eyes and hit her lightly on the arm, laughing at her as he did so.

"oh stop it! no, but hongjoong loves strawberry shortcake... his mother's strawberry shortcake is his all time favorite dessert. so what if i went to his house tomorrow and baked a cake with his mother, you know, and surprise him with it?" seonghwa said out loud, wanting to know his mother's input on the idea he came up with on the spot.

"but, wouldn't he know if you're there or not? i mean, it's his own house. how would you keep it a secret when you're in his kitchen?" she said, pointing out the obvious hole in seonghwa's plan.

"ugh, you got a point..." seonghwa trailed off, "maybe i can ask jongho and see if he can go to wooyoung's house or something? ok, yeah! perfect. i'll do that." seonghwa said as he stood up, not needing his mother to convince him that the idea was good enough to go with.

"ok honey, just don't hurt him again!" she screamed out as seonghwa ran away to his room, instantly pulling out his phone to text jongho the plan.

double update becauseeee *drum roll* i just officially finished writing this book!!! i can't even begin to thank you guys for all your kind words and comments all the time, you really mean the world to me. more of this story is to come, just wait!!!

alsoooo some of my albums should be coming in today I CANNOT WAIT ANY LONGER AOWNOWNELWK

-vic

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