Thomas' POV

      I stumble down the stairs with tears down my eyes and emotions choking my throat over what just happened. I push the door open in panic trying to get away from the incoming emotional breakdown that's shooting through me. The light is blinding as I make my way out of the building.

     Walking down the street, I feel myself trip and knock into things, but I don't care, my mind on a vicious cycle to tear me down. It's been years since I've had this overload and I can't breath as I push my way through the crowd of people.

    I'm feeling claustrophobic with all the bodies around me, touching me, moving me, shoving me. There's too many people with their hands on me and it won't let me breath. I can't breath. It's like I'm back in that house, curled up on the floor as he takes out every speck of anger and disappointment on me and I can get enough air in my lungs to be okay.

    Vaguely, I know I don't really know where I'm going, but I don't care, my only mission to get away. Away from the intrusive thoughts. Away from the tears and away from the dumbest stupid reaction I've ever done in my life. Finally not being able to take it anymore, I see an alleyway down to the right and I immediately head down it, finally breathing at being free from all those suffocating people hat pressed to much against me.

     I fall to my knees and I crawl to a wall while hyperventilating, pushing my back against it roughly so it's protected. I always have to see what's coming. I keep my head on a one eighty swivel to make sure that I'm safe as I make my heart and mind calm down enough so that I can breath, and the moment I can, my cries get louder.

        When I came home and saw the tears streaming down his face I knew something bad had happened and I knew it was important. The only times I've seen Zack cry is when he panics about his trauma or when I told him I loved him back. I knew something was wrong so when he said something to me I should have listened.

     It's like even though I knew everything he said was right and correct and that I fucked up, instead of apologizing, I got so fucking defensive. Even when he called me out on being a brat, I should have stopped. I should have apologized, but there was just something in me that didn't want to back down. That didn't want to have to admit that I was wrong and even though I knew it would only lead me down a bad path, I kept going.

    If someone was to kneel in front of me now and ask me why I did it, I wouldn't be able to say. I wish I could explain it but as I try to, I just feel an overwhelming sense of regret and wanting to go back, but I don't know how to come back from that.

    I flinched from him.

I can't believe I flinched from him. Even though, before I really knew him, I was always ready for the other foot to fall and for him to turn into the man that haunts my dreams, I haven't thought he would hit me in months. I know Zack wouldn't hit me.

He's the sweetest person I've ever met in this world. He's the type of guy to hold your drink at a party and refill it for you while you're in the bathroom. He's the kind of lover to lay in bad with you in a bad day and make you smile with the silliest things. He's always been the one to put me above himself in every situation, every above himself.

And yet.

And yet, I flinched away form him when he reached for me. I had seen the look on his face when he did and it was anything but angry and I know that. I fucking knew that. He wasn't even yelling at me. Even though I was rude and was arguing back and being so fucking difficult, he never yelled at me or got in my face, his voice only raised in frustration.

What is wrong with me?

My hands are in my hair as the events play themselves out over and over again, and though everything else really fucked me up the real thing that's replaying over and over in my head is that look. The look he gave me when he realized that I had flinched away from him in fear of being it.

There wasn't anger or betrayal in his eyes but fear and hurt. So much fucking hurt. It looked like I stabbed him in the heart when I curled into myself away from him. The tears that came to his eyes are implanted in my mind and it makes me cry that much harder.

Of course he would be afraid that I left him with how careless I had been this morning. I left him without waking him to let him know I was leaving. I didn't check to see if my phone was charged or even leave a note. He woke up to an empty apartment without a way to get in contact with me so of course he was scared. I know all of this. And yet when it came down to it I couldn't help but be a complete ass when he called me out on doing something wrong.

Fuck.

And now he's probably at home cursing my existence after I made him panic, flinched away from him and ran..... oh fuck. Oh fucking Goddess. My head raises with a snap as I just realize what I did. I walked away from him. He was about to calm me down and I walked away. Just like he told me his mom did to his dad, when he needed me I walked away. I scramble to my feet, tears blurring my visit making me trip and I feel a sudden rush of anger completely consume me. I let my fist fly out and pieces of brick go flying everywhere.

      He needed me and I walked away. Why do I keep fucking up? I punch the wall once more, trying to get the swirl of angry emotions out of me so I can breathe. Once I feel settled enough, I hurriedly turn around to make my way back home, hopefully in time to apologize before he breaks down.

I know I shouldn't have left.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I get to the mouth of the alley and slam into a body. I'm able to save myself and the person in front of me only to frown when I see who it is. Ben.

"Thomas?" He says in surprise, his hands coming out to steady my vibrating form. I frown as I realize he looks even worse than I last saw him. His bags look permanently etched into his skin, a deep purple that's framing his bottom lashes. He looks thin and sickly and his eyes look bloodshot. Even though the look worries me, it doesn't hold as much weight as my lover that's probably falling apart from my own hands.

    "Hey, Ben." I say trying to move around him but he stops me, blocking my way with his body and his arms outstretched. I frown at the interruption but it smooths out with his assurance.

    "You seem in a hurry. Do you need a ride anywhere?" He asks me and I breathe a sigh of relief at the idea of not having people touch and push me around as I walk down the side walk.

    "I need to get home." I tell him and he nods before grabbing my arm before leading me down the side walk and across the street to a black car. He unlocks the car and I get in my leg bouncing in anxiety as I wait for him to start up the car.

    We both buckle up and I see him grab something from the back but I'm too preoccupied to notice what it is. He starts up the car and head down the street, asking for directions since he's only been to my apartment once.

    "Okay, turn right here." I tell him and I see his knuckles tighten in the wheel as he slows down but we continue pass the turn and I frown, thinking that maybe he didn't hear me. "You missed the turn." I tell him but he doesn't answer.

I start to panic a bit but try to calm down. Just because he's acting weird doesn't mean anything. I'll be okay. But I also know you can't trust everyone. I try to reach for the handle of the car, my instincts shining through to get me away from a sickly and crazed looking Ben and back towards my lover.

As soon as I raise my hand, I feel the sharp sting of a needle in my neck and I feel my body begin to slowly shut down. I slump against the side of the door, my eyes staring at the floor as my eyes water.

I can no longer see where we are and while my heart should be pounding , it's only slowing down as time moves on. "I'm sorry, Thomas." I hear Ben say but it almost sounds like it's from down a tunnel. "But I have to get my sister back." He says and it's the last thing I hear as I pass out, the broken look of Zack, the last thing on my mind.

~~~~~~~
Damn. He didn't even get to say sorry. This chapter makes me so sad because I can relate. I wonder how many of you do the same thing. What do you think Ben meant?

Thoughts?

Comments?

QOTD: Which bad guy is the worst in this series?