Noah. NOAH!

I wake up from yet another nightmare and I can feel the anxiety moving through my body like ice in my veins. My head is killing me and I need something to take away the pain.

Noah, remember that you're no good. It's only a matter of time before he leaves you. Why would he want to be with you anymore? Just look at yourself. Scars. Memory loss. Who needs that ugliness in their life?

I squeeze my eyes shut trying to stop the voice. Harry is peacefully sleeping next to me and even his snoring is melodic and hypnotizing.

You know better than to try to ignore me. I'm in your head and I'm not going anywhere,that god damned voice whispered. He put his life on hold for you and look at what you gave him. A head that doesn't work and a body full of scars.

I feel like a prisoner in my own head and the anxiety is paralyzing.

I look at this beautiful man sleeping peacefully next to me in bed at home. He doesn't deserve this. I sometimes wish my life ended that day so that Harry could move on and be happy. He always tells me how beautiful I am, but he doesn't know what I'm hiding on the inside, my inner monster.

The day I woke up after the accident I was confused but happy. Happy to see Harry sitting next to my bed with his incredible smile. My eyes focused on that beautiful man and I couldn't wait to feel his lips on mine again. I was happy for those few minutes before I passed out to the sound of loud buzzers and Harry's face fading into the distance. Apparently there was intense pressure on my brain and they rushed me into surgery again.

The next time I woke up I wasn't able to remember anything. There was a man standing next to the bed that I didn't recognize. He was tall with curly brown hair and the most engaging green eyes I'd ever seen. He looked exhausted and wrinkled, approaching the bed with concern all over his face. He carefully watched my reaction as he bent down over the bed. He was a complete stranger and my heart began to race.

I pushed him away when he tried to kiss me, screaming at him to get away from me. I may have forgotten who he was to me at the time, but I will never forget the look on his face as my fist connected with his cheek leaving a red mark.
I started screaming and Harry left the room with tears running down his face.

I spent another two weeks in the hospital recovering and relearning who I was. My gut told me it was the beginning of the end for us, even though Harry came to see me everyday. He was so determined that I remember our history that he'd started documenting it so that he could help me remember. Each morning he arrived with a notebook full of everything from our first months together. He brought pictures of us and music to help me remember. Though I kept pushing him away, he never gave up.

As I open my eyes in the morning and look over at the warm and loving man next to me, I still can't believe Harry is by my side. I softly brush his cheek with my fingertips before sliding out of bed.

Walking into the bathroom I stop to look at myself in the mirror, I have scars on different places on my body. Some from were from the surgeries and a few from the accident. I run my fingers down the scar on my chest feeling the little bumps from where the stitches once were. A permanent reminder of the living hell I'd been through.

I make my way into the kitchen to get something to ease the pain in my head,rummaging through the kitchen cabinets I find a bottle of vodka. The clear liquid is so tempting,and I know that it will ease my pain. I open the bottle and smell the content,the strong smell fills my nose and I lift the bottle up to my mouth.

Do it Noah,drink this liquid gold. Don't be a pussy,you haven't been sober for months so why start now.
That damn voice was right. I started drinking shortly after I came home from the hospital. It started with a little sip to ease my anxiety to hiding bottles all around the house.  What are you waiting for?,just do it. The voice in my head was taunting me.

As I took a big sip of the vodka feeling it burn as it went down my throat I noticed the notebook that Harry had put together for me "The Beginning of Harry & Noah" at the end of the counter. The fact that he took so much time and care to recount our moments together made it even worse.

"We met on a sunny day at Cafe Habana. I looked at you and lost my ability to speak. You had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen and I knew I had to get to know you," Harry'd written in the book. Every detail from our first month together was written down in that bound journal.

While Harry always showered compliments and praise on me before the accident, he was even more determined now to help raise my confidence. He told me how beautiful I was to him and that he didn't care about the scars. He loved my heart and my head. The most important thing was that I was still alive.

Stop reading that damn book,you're not the same anymore. You drink to get through the day, and one day he'll find out and leave you.

I wanted to believe everything Harry told me,but my cynical mind wouldn't blame him if he left me. He put everything on hold because of me. The tour was supposed to have started a month ago but now was on hold. His fans probably hated me even more because of that.

I knew how badly he wanted to get back on the road again and I kept telling him that it was ok for him to start planning.

"I'm not going back on the road until I know for sure that you are ok," Harry said. "It's not going to happen Noah."

I told him I was fine and I actually was fine, on the outside. But what Harry didn't know was that the voice from the monster in my head kept making sure I wasn't getting more comfortable. And I could never tell him about that. I struggle to get through everyday but I always put a smile on my face to make him feel good. It's the least I could do for him.

My therapist urged me to tell him about the anxiety and voices I was dealing with. He said Harry would understand. Maybe he would, but this information was the last thing he needed. He was finally starting to relax and spend time with friends again, reentering his life outside of our relationship. I wasn't going to ruin that by telling him about my anxiety.

I stand in the kitchen ,bottle in one hand and the journal in the other.

"The second time I saw you was at Whole Foods. I bumped into you and made you drop your groceries. We talked for a few minutes and you invited me to have lunch with you the next day."

I feel tears swelling up in my eyes. This beautiful man sleeping upstairs,I ruined his life and he's still by my side.
You know I'm not going anywhere,keep drinking. This is what you are now Noah and I'm your only company.If you're lucky the alcohol will kill you.

I've thought about it a few times, it would be for the better if I just disappeared. He'd be better off without me,he could get on with his life and career. He'd be sad for a while,but the memory of me would just fade into the distance.

you're to much of a coward to do it aren't you?. I filled my lungs with air and finished the bottle,downing every last drop to drown out the voice in my head. I feel sick rising and I'm shaking from the alcohol . As I'm standing there crouched over the sink trying no to throw up I think back to one of the first mornings after I came home.

Laying next to Harry he tried to put his arms around me,but I wouldn't let him. I hated the way I looked. He looked deep into my eyes and told me how beautiful I was.

"Listen to me Noah you've always been beautiful to me. I am thankful for each and every one of your scars. They are proof that you are alive. That you are still with me. That you are strong. And that we can work on our future together," Harry explains. "I want to kiss and touch every scar and thank god that you're still here with me."

And for the first time in weeks I let him embrace me. My hand immediately goes to stroke his hair, his soft hair.I can feel his beautiful heart beating against my skin an I'm filled with so much love. "Thank you for being so patient with me love. I couldn't do this without you."

I wasn't ready for anything else yet,and Harry respected that. He just held me tight and made sure I knew how much he loved me.
We spent the entire day in bed,we would only get up to eat. And for a few hours the voice in my head was quiet,it was just me and Harry.

Two weeks later:

Wednesday and Harry had a meeting downtown and I was running errands. For the first time in weeks I was sober,and it was hard.I didn't have much energy after the accident,a few errands was all I could manage. Harry didn't really want me to go alone,but I assured him that I was fine. My plan was to go to the grocery store to get dinner,but I never made it to the store. Before I knew it i was sat in our local pub. "What can I get you?" I look up at the woman behind the bar.

Every cell in my body is telling me to get up and leave,but I needed the relief. "A pint of beer and a shot of vodka please". I grab the glas of liquor and downed it in one gulp,oh sweet relief . Good boy,order another one.I was never alone as long as I had the voice in my head. So there I was drinking the pain away,me and the other drunks in the city.

I was starting to feel a buzz,the pain was slowly fading and it felt good. Harry would be stuck in meetings for most of the day so I had plenty of time time to drown my sorrows . The bartender kept looking at me with concern, "do you want a cup of coffee sir?, you're going to end up with a terrible headache if you don't stop now,and i think you should leave the car and take a taxi home".I was starting to feel annoyed and I was loosing my buzz.

" I don't want coffee,I want vodka. I don't need a babysitter,just do your job". She reluctantly handed me another drink, "that wasn't so hard no was it?". I lost track of time,music was pumping from the speakers and my head was swimming.
One more lad,you're right on the edge,but I know you can take another one.

As I was ready to take another sip of my beer I could see him from the corner of my eye,Harry walking through the door. He was heading towards me phone in one hand and a worried look. I wanted to run but I had nowhere to go,and I couldn't hide the fact that I was drunk of my face.
"It's time to go home Noah, come with me". He reached out a hand for me to take. There you go looser,it was bound to happen. I guess it's time for you to go back to LA,he's for sure dumping your drunk ass now.

I was trying my hardest to walk straight as I followed him out to the car,and I could feel people staring at me. The drive home was quiet and I was scared to look at him.

As soon as I walk through the front door I headed for the bathroom,but before I get the chance to go anywhere I feel him holding me back. "How long has this been going on Noah,how long have you been drinking".

The question hit me hard,and I couldn't face him. I could feel myself falling to the floor,it was time to come clean. Sobbing in Harry's arms I told him everything,about the anxiety,the monster in my head and how I started drinking to numb the pain.
He held me tight and rocked me like a baby. "Why didn't you tell me love?, you don't have to pretend to be ok. It's been a few rough months. But you have to talk to me,we're a team you and me ".

"I didn't want you to know,you've been through enough already. I understand if you want me to leave, I'm just a drunk loser". I couldn't stop crying and the alcohol was leaving my body.

"Do I look like someone who would just walk away?, I will get you help. This stops now,no more drinking and you can tell the voice in your head to go to hell. The only voice you will hear is mine every time I tell you how much I love you".

I knew that this wasn't going to be easy,but I was ready to get help. I wanted to live and I wanted to spend my life with Harry.
"Go lay down,I'll make a few phone calls and get you the help you need".  The next day I was in the car with Harry on my way to a rehab clinic. I was scared and anxious. Scared that I wouldn't make it,that I was damaged forever.

Harry grabs my hand and holds it tight,and in that moment I knew everything was going to be ok.