"Mr.Styles are you there ?". I was starting to feel dizzy, "yes,I'm here,what's this all about?". I knew it had something to do with Noah,i could feel it."You are Noah Evan's boyfriend correct"?.

I took a deep breath, "yes I am. Has he been arrested?,do I need to bail him out?". I was feeling sick and I wanted to throw up, " I'm sorry to inform you that Mr.Evans has been involved in an accident,he's been airlifted to St George's hospital". Do you need the police to escort you to the hospital Mr.Styles?"

The sensation of falling,fading away was overwhelming. I needed to get out of there,I had to see him. Everyone was staring at me,wanting to know what was going on.

"What is it Harry?,do you need me to help you with anything?. Talk to me please". There was no time for questions let alone answering them. "Nick give me your car keys, i need to go. I'll call you later".

speeding all the way to the hospital I was sure to get a ticket or two, but that was the last thing on my mind. I don't know how but I was surprisingly calm. I'm sure he was fine,a few bruises,a broken arm maybe. But he was fine,he had to be.

"Who are you kidding styles,he was airlifted to the hospital,this is more than a few bruises". Talking to myself didn't help much this time. I knew this was serious.I lost him once,I couldn't loose him again.

There are different entrances at the hospital and I didn't even know if I was at the right one. "Hi,can you tell me witch ward Noah Evans has been admitted to?,he was in an accident about an hour ago and was brought to this hospital ". The guy at the reception keeps looking at meg like I've lost it.

" I'm sorry sir,but I can't give you any information,we only give out information to the closest family. I wanted to jump over the desk and shake him.

"Listen idiot,my boyfriend Noah was involved in an accident and I need to get to him. His family lives in Texas and hasn't been informed yet,I'm the only family he has in this god damn country.Now can you tell me where I can find him,or do I need to call your boss and get your ass fired?".

After a quick search on the computer he had the information I needed. "Mr.Evans was brought to the ER witch is on the third floor. The nearest elevator is right around the corner,go to the front desk and my colleague will give you more information".

"That wasn't so hard now was it?, I reach over to look at his name tag, Jonathan!". Going up to the ER I try to prepare myself for what was waiting for me ,was he still alive?,how injured was he?.

I was brought into a family room by a doctor, he introduced himself as the doctor that was taking care of Noah.

"Mr.Evans was struck by a car,he's got significant injuries. He has a ruptured spleen,broken left foot,and he's bleeding internally. He's currently in surgery.

The worst part is not the bleeding but his brain,he's got cerebral edema better known as brain swelling,fluid is putting pressure on the inside of his scull. He's hooked up to a respirator so that his brain can rest".

So many words so much information. My head was swimming and I couldn't take it all in. "Tell me doctor,is he gonna make it?".

"To be honest with you sir,it's to early to say. It all depends on the swelling,this is a day by day situation.

He's in an induced coma and the respirator is helping him breathe. As soon as the swelling starts going down we will attempt to wake him. The best thing you can do for him now is to just be there,talk to him,make sure he knows you're there".

"You can wait here instead of the waiting room,I will come get you when Mr.Evans is back from recovery. "

Dialing Noah's dads number I get ready to give him the bad news.

"Mr.Evans,this is Harry Styles calling,Noah's boyfriend". Everything goes quiet for a moment until i hear Noah's mom screaming,a heartbreaking sound.

I'm a man of actions,and I can't just sit still. I make a few phone calls. Informing Nick about the situation,getting Jeff to bring me a bag of clean clothes. I saved the worst phone till last.

"Mom,something terrible has happened". The tears that I had managed to keep in came flooding out. "Darling,I don't know what to say,I'll be there first thing in the morning".

The doctor come back after what feels like forever. Sir,Mr.Evans has been brought to a room on the fourth floor. If you'll come with me we can go see him.

it feels like I'm climbing a mountain and the threshold being the mountain.

I can already hear the machine,and I don't want to walk in. I have to face the situation as soon as I step into the room,and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

Standing outside I can pretend that he's somewhere in the city buying ugly souvenirs and tasting British food. And he'll come back to the house talking about how amazing everything has been. As long as I don't step over the threshold everything is fine.

I see him as soon as I walk in and I feel like I can't catch my breath. He looks so tiny and fragile in that bed,a tube coming out of his mouth and wires connected to his chest. The sound of the machine helping him to breathe. Bandages on his head and traces of blood on his cheek. "You can get closer,I understand that this looks scary,but he needs you now more than ever.

Stay as long as you want Mr.Styles,and don't hesitate to come get me if you need to talk".

Walking up to him I feel nervous and scared,it's my Noah laying there,but in a way it wasn't. I just sit there for a good ten minutes just staring at him.

I tried talking to him telling him how much I love him and how much I need him.

"Baby,you have to fight. I can't do this without you,I'm nothing without you by my side." I can't hold back the tears as I lean over the bed to rest my head on his chest. "Please come back to me,please!".
~~~~

I practically moved into that room,I lived my life inside these four wall's while Noah was fighting for his.
Outside life is as usual, people going about their lives moving from one place to the other. In this white painted room everything has stopped.

Mom was the one holding me up through all this,without her I wouldn't be able to stand up.
"Go home darling,get some sleep. It's not gonna help Noah if you fall apart".

I couldn't go home,what if something happens when I'm not there,what if he wakes up or gets worse. "No mom,I'm not going anywhere, I get the sleep I need sitting in this chair. I'm not leaving his side,we leave this hospital together."

"You're gonna make yourself sick,you need fresh air and some proper sleep. You're to stubborn for your own good sometimes,just know that I'm not far away if you need me".
~~~~

One week later.

Doctors and nurses are always coming and going,checking the machine looking at charts,telling me the same things that I already knew.

"He's stabile at the moment Mr.Styles,but the swelling in his brain still hasn't gone down. He's not able to breathe on his own". I wanted to cover my ears like a stubborn child, I didn't want to hear it.

It has already been a week since I've seen Noah's blue eyes,since the car hit him full force. A week since my world stopped.

Everything was put on hold for now,my focus was on Noah and only him. Jeff handled everything with the press and the tour had been cancelled. Nothing mattered besides Noah.

I was getting thousands of tweets from my fans,telling me how sad they are and that they are praying for Noah.
~~~~

Wednesday 02 pm.

I wake up from my own scream,sweat dripping from my forehead. I've been having nightmares for a few days now and every time I dream about Noah dying,about his funeral.

Always the same,flowers,crying people. And Noah watching from a far,in my dream I see him standing there watching us. I try to get to him,but as I get closer he disappears.

I get up to go for a walk up and down the hospital corridor trying to shake this awful nightmare. I'm getting used to seeing the same people everyday,doctors rushing from room to room. Family members crying,and the sterile smell,that horrible smell. Even my skin was starting to smell like a hospital.

I catch a glimpse of myself in a glass door and I look awful,dark circles,pale skin and hair that hasn't been washed for days. A washed out t shirt and grey sweatpants. I don't even recognize myself anymore.

"Are you ok sir?" A nurse walks up to me as I'm staring at myself,"I'm ok,I just realized I hadn't had a shower in a few days. I turn to face her.

"If you want to you can use the bathroom in the doctors changing room?,and I'll make sure a bed is being brought into the room so that you can get some proper sleep."

I'd been offered a bed several times but I always declined,I'm not a patient. But it was time I swallowed my pride and accepted the offer.

After a shower and a change of clothes I felt a lot better.

That night I slept right next to Noah's bed holding his hand, hoping that he could feel my presence. No nightmare and I actually managed to get some sleep. Noahs parents came back to the hospital in the morning. "I just wished we hadn't met under these circumstances Harry,Noah is so lucky to have you by his side".

I'm the lucky one Mrs.Evans,I love your son more than you will ever know".

I decided it was time for me to leave the hospital for a few hours,I needed to feel fresh air in my lungs.
It felt like I hadn't been outside for months and the sun was hurting my eyes.

Hiding behind dark sunglasses I tried to avoid people's stare,wasn't sure if I would be able to handle fans approaching me at this point.

I came home to a mailbox full to the brim,newspapers and letters. Every cover had something to do with the accident.

"Harry Style's boyfriend fighting for his life after a head on collision,will this be the end of the former directioners career?"
Everything reminds me of him. I find myself smelling his clothes,that familiar smell of cologne and soap.

There's a note on the kitchen table with his handwriting on it. I carefully pick it up,treating it like it was made out of glass.
"Styles, if you read this note it means I'm still out there having fun,no need to worry. Love you."

The best thing for me to do when I stressed is to drive
Getting into my car I started driving,no destination.I just needed to drive.

I still couldn't believe that this was actually happening ,that the man i held in my arms almost two weeks ago was now in a coma fighting for his life.

I had allowed myself to think about worst case scenario a few times,what if he didn't make it?. I kept pushing it to the back of my mind,but I knew that there was a chance it could go wrong.

As I'm driving down the freeway I allow myself to touch these horrible feelings again. How I would cope without him. An empty side of the bed, not seeing his steel blue eyes again,and no hand to hold. No more Noah. The thought made it hard to breath,but I had to prepare myself.

Me and the man upstairs have a weird friendship and we rarely talk, but this was definitely the right time for a reunion.

"God i know we don't really talk much,but I would appreciate it if you could just lend me your ear for a few minutes.

I need for you to work your magic,wake him up. Please just let me see his smile again.I'm sure I've done things I'm not supposed to do,and I haven't always been good,but this man God,he means the world to me,and if you take him you might as well take me to."

That's one thing I knew for sure,if Noah dies my life will be over to.

The sound of my phone shakes me out of my stream of thoughts,and it took me a few seconds to answer. If he was gone this wasn't the right place to find out.

"Whoever you are I don't want to hear bad news", It took a few seconds for the caller to say anything. "I don't have bad news,I just wanted to check in with you to see how you're doing".

Nick,my confidant and partner in crime, I needed to hear his voice. "I'm ok,just had to get out of the hospital,I'm currently heading down the M25. I'm going back to the hospital soon,I just needed to drive."

~~~~~~
Friday 12 pm.

I've been staring at him for the longest time,willing for him to open his eyes. "Squeeze my hand darling,you can do it". Nothing,no squeezing no movement in his eyes,just the sound of the machine helping him breathe.

Every day was the same, I would read to him,sing to him,I even played tick tack toe. Was I loosing my mind?. "Good news babe,Tesco has a 3 for 2 offer on orange juice this week,and it's going to rain tomorrow".

The door opening grabs my attention. A nurse with short brown hair walks in,in her hands a small silver basin filled with water. "I'm just going to give Mr. Evans a sponge bath,and stretch his hands a little to get his circulation going.

You can just stay if you want to Mr.Styles." If anyone was giving him a sponge bath it was gonna be me,"do you mind if I do it this time?,he's used to my touch".

I dip the sponge in the water and carefully move it over his body. His face,the face that breaks into a smile every day,his hands,the hands that have touched me so many times.his stomach,hurting from my bad jokes,feet,the feet that carried him around. Every inch that I love with all my heart.

It brings me back to the night before this happened,we were in the bathtub together. Noah between my legs in the hot water,talking about our trip to Holmes chapel,about wanting to sell our LA home and moving to London. We argued that night,about him going out in London without security. He was determined to go alone,and nothing was gonna stop him.

I keep thinking I should have brought him with me that day,then none of this would have happened. He'd be safe with me. Why did I let him go alone?.

Dressing him in a clean hospital gown i tuck a blanket around his body and carefully kiss him on the forehead.

We had a meeting with the doctor later that day,me,mom and Noah's parents.

"It's been close to three weeks since the accident,and we're not seeing much improvement in Mr.Evans condition. It's important that you are aware that if he wakes up there's a chance he might have a brain damage,the swelling hasn't gone down and the pressure hasn't improved.

"If he wakes up! what the hell are you talking about?,of course he's gonna wake up." I get up from my chair causing it to fall to the floor. "Calm down darling,he's just informing us. This is out of his control."

Sobbing like a baby I fall apart in my mom's arms,"let it out darling,allow the feelings to come out".

That night I laid in the bed with him,holding him. Stroking his face and hands, "remember when you said we could handle anything as long as we have each other?. You're slipping out of my hands baby,and I can't and won't let you go. If you fall I'm falling with you".

"No no no!,come back to me. Don't go,I can see you". The same nightmare shakes me out of my sleep,but this time I can feel something. Something soft,I look down to see him squeezing my hand,I can feel it,the familiar touch.

"Please god,if I'm dreaming right now  i don't want to wake up. Scared I look up at him only to see his eyes open. He's looking straight at me. "Doctor,nurse anyone. Please help me!".

"Noah,there's a tube down your throat,I need you to give me a big cough and I will remove it". He looks so scared and confused.

"Hold on to my hand baby,it's gonna be ok". I'm scared and happy at the same time, "welcome back love,I've missed you so much".
"Who are you?". I feel my heart sinking. He doesn't recognize me,he doesn't know who I am.

"I'm only joking Styles. Next time I want to go sightseeing you better stop me,London traffic is dangerous ".
For the first time in three weeks I look into his steel blue eyes." Trust me Evans,you're never going sightseeing again.