2005 words

"josh," tyler sighs, stuffing a loose article of clothing as far as he can manage into his overflowing suitcase.

"what, baby?" josh hums, glancing over from where he rests on tyler's bed scrolling through his phone.

"can you help me please?"

josh eyes the suitcase, raising an eyebrow. "do you really need all of that? we'll only be home for five days."

tyler nods, insisting.

"let me see what you packed."

tyler groans, flipping his suitcase back open as josh approaches. they rummage through it together while tyler declares each thing he's packed and explains his reasoning for packing it. he's got enough pairs of socks and underwear to last him over a week, and outfits prepared for every kind of weather imaginable. he tends to overpack, never knowing what he might end up needing.

"honey," josh chuckles, taking out the few pairs of shorts he's packed, "it's the middle of november. why do you need these?"

"i don't know. what if it gets really hot for some reason?"

"well, why do you need three pairs?"

"because what if i need them for multiple days!?"

"tyler," josh can't help but laugh. he folds one pair back into the suitcase but throws the other two aside. "trust me, you won't need them."

tyler frowns, grabbing the shorts and messily stuffing them in his suitcase. "better to be safe than sorry. can you just help me close it?"

"it's not going to close," josh shakes his head. the space between the two sides of the zipper is about a foot wide.

tyler huffs, growing increasingly frustrated and his patience beginning to wear thin. "i'll sit on it then."

he plops himself on top of the suitcase, helping it close but only by a couple of inches. tyler looks at josh expectantly, hoping he'll just do what tyler wants and help him zip it shut. he doesn't though. he just crosses his arms over this chest and looks down at the boy.

"it's not going to close," he repeats, "you need to take some stuff out."

tyler groans, dragging his palms down his cheeks and stretching his skin across his face. he kneels beside the suitcase, accidentally flipping it open much more aggressively than he intends. the hard plastic hits the wooden floor with a loud smack, making both boys flinch. tyler looks to josh, his eyes widened.

"i didn't mean to do it that hard." he speaks quickly, afraid of josh's reaction.

josh just looks at him for a moment before carefully crouching beside him. he grabs his face in his hands, tyler's skin burning as it turns red beneath his palms. josh's thumbs stroke over his cheekbones slowly, eyebrows knitted in a concerned frown. the sight makes tyler's heart ache and guilt seep into his stomach. he hates making josh worry about him.

"you're stressed." josh's voice is soft as he points out the obvious. "what's wrong, love?"

tyler blows out a sigh, habitually tucking his lower lip between his teeth as he nibbles on the dry skin. his stomach churns with anxiety as josh snaps him into reality, no longer able to push away his worries.

"i don't want to go home," he admits.

"why not?"

"i don't know," tyler immediately dismisses.

"come on, ty. i thought you said you miss your mom and your siblings."

"i do, it's just..." he hesitates, fiddling with his fingers. "i don't know. i don't want to be there."

"it's only for a few days," josh points out, "and we'll only be twenty minutes apart. we'll be together practically the whole time."

josh is always so optimistic. tyler wishes his brain worked the same way.

"i know. that's not what i'm worried about."

"what, then?" josh presses.

he keeps one palm against tyler's cheek while he brings his other hand to the top of tyler's head, gently raking his fingers through his hair. tyler hums at the sensation, unintentionally leaning into josh's touch. the feeling, albeit comforting, does little to slow the racing heart in his chest.

tyler knew this conversation would happen sooner or later, and figured it would be the former with thanksgiving rapidly approaching, but he still isn't ready. he's never really told anybody anything about his dad before, other than that he hates him and doesn't talk to him. he knows it's stupid, but talking about it just reminds him that it's real. he hates that it's real.

"my dad," he says finally, unsure of where to even start.

"your dad?"

"yeah. i haven't talked to him for over a year now. i guess i'm just... scared i'll see him."

"hm," josh hums, repositioning himself to sit flat on the floor. he pulls his legs in to sit criss-cross, and tyler copies his actions. the older reaches out, taking tyler's hands and absentmindedly rubbing his thumbs across his knuckles. "why would you see him?"

"i don't know. he moved out a few years ago, but..." tyler interrupts himself with a sigh, only continuing after josh gives him a nod of encouragement. "it's not unlike him to pop in randomly wanting to try to be a father again. i just... really don't want to see him."

"what happened?" josh asks gently, raising one of tyler's hands to his lips and pressing a tender kiss to the back of it.

a small smile tugs at the corners of tyler's lips, but it quickly vanishes.

"a lot, i guess. i, um... i've never really talked to anybody about it," he confesses, "besides my therapist."

"i'm here for you, hon. you can talk to me about anything," josh urges.

"i know," tyler nods. really, he does. "it's just hard."

"it's okay."

tyler inhales slowly, letting out a deep breath.

"he wasn't really a dad my whole life. he worked a lot and would be gone a lot, so i didn't see him much. when he was home, he was just... i don't know... just there. like... he'd never interact with me. we barely talked. he never came to my basketball games. he didn't even give me a pat on the back for getting straight a's. my mom did everything for me and my siblings. he felt more like a random guy who would stay at my house sometimes than my dad."

"i'm sorry, ty."

"yeah... my mom filed for divorce eventually, but that just made things so much worse. he got really mean. it was just towards my mom, at first, but then he started being mean to everybody. he'd yell at us for the smallest things and just say the meanest stuff. like... when i told him i got into this school, he laughed in my face and told me he knew i wasn't good enough for ivy leagues."

"seriously?"

"yeah. when he found out that i'm gay he told me it was all in my head and said he was going to convince my mom to send me to conversion therapy. but then he also said it makes sense because i've always acted like a sissy. oh! one time he overheard me tell my mom i needed new shoes because mine had a hole in them and he told me i was the most selfish person he'd ever met. he also told me i was the biggest mistake he ever made because i trapped him with my mom. he'd never listen to me and every time i tried to defend myself he'd just yell louder."

"oh, honey..."

"he hit my mom a few times," tyler continues, his words spewing out as if they were water and he was a dam that had suddenly collapsed. "i tried to step in once, but he hit me so hard i, like, passed out for a second and i hit my head really hard when i fell. i couldn't play basketball for a while after that because i got a concussion. so i stopped getting involved. he told me afterwards that he barely even touched me and i was just too sensitive."

josh's face remains expressionless other than the clenching of his jaw. he remains quiet, and tyler feels inclined to fill the silence.

"so, yeah. that's just what i can remember right now, but sometimes i remember things randomly and i'm like oh wow that was really messed up. he was basically the definition of emotional abuse. look it up in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of my dad. anyway, once the divorce was finalized, it got better because i barely saw him.

the last time i saw him was last summer. he showed up on our doorstep begging for my mom to take him back, saying he'd changed and wanted a second chance. my mom is too nice, or maybe she was just scared, so she let him in the house to talk. i kinda flipped when i went downstairs and saw him sitting on the couch, and it turned into this big screaming match between me and him. last thing he said to me was that his life would have been better if i was never born, i fuck up everything i touch, and he couldn't wait for me to catch aids so he could laugh in my face and say i told you so."

josh inhales slowly, willing himself to unclench his jaw as he grabs tyler's arms and pulls the boy closer. tyler gets the hint, quickly arranging himself to sit between josh's legs with his back pressed against the older's chest. josh wraps his arms around tyler's waist, squeezing him gently as he leans down and plants a gentle kiss against his shoulder.

"i'm so sorry."

tyler chuckles bitterly, resting his hands over josh's arms and leaning back against his chest. josh gives him another kiss, this time against the soft skin of his neck, and butterflies replace the spiders in his stomach. "it's okay, i guess."

"it's not okay. you didn't deserve any of that," josh mutters, shaking his head.

he leaves a trail of kisses on tyler's neck, working his way higher and higher, lips moving to his jawline, his cheek, and finally his temple. the feeling helps ground tyler back in the present moment and eases the fire of rage that had begun to burn in his chest.

"i know that now," tyler whispers, turning his head to look back at josh. "i'm just so scared i'm going to see him again."

josh keeps one arm wrapped snuggly around his waist. his other hand cups tyler jaw, pulling him in as he presses another kiss to the corner of his mouth.

"i won't be far," josh reminds him, tilting his head to the side to rest their temples together. "if he does show up, you're always welcome at my house. okay? besides, i'm sure we'll be together most of the time anyway."

tyler nods softly, his eyes falling shut as he enjoys the weight of josh's head against his own. "yeah... i guess you're right."

"but thank you for telling me, ty. i know it's not easy."

"dads suck," is tyler's response.

josh chuckles. "yeah, you're not wrong about that."

tyler's eyes flutter back open. he casts his gaze towards where the suitcase rests beside them, chewing on his lip. "maybe i can unpack some stuff," he contemplates.

"you're not wrong about that either."

they share a laugh, and tyler steals a kiss from josh before removing himself from between his legs and kneeling before the suitcase. together, they go through tyler's suitcase and spend quite some time deliberating what he should and should not bring. tyler is stubborn and refuses to remove most of what josh suggests, so he still ends up needing to sit on it. fortunately, though, josh is able to get it shut this time.

(a/n: sorry this chapter is so short :( i really wanted to get something posted before i leave for vacation next week

i can't believe we've hit 5k reads that's insane thank you guys so much!!

love you all <3)