(wait to start the song heh... for some reason it isn't showing up for me on mobile, but if you care to play it alongside reading the part it's i love you from billie eilish :p)

3855 words

a long-sleeved light blue dress with dark blue polka dots sits over tyler's frame. he lifts a headband to his head, adorning himself with cartoonish ears of the same color scheme. his hands glide over the dress, soothing out a few wrinkly spots.

he'd never worn a dress before but, hey, it's halloween. he can wear whatever he wants. besides, it's the most comfortable and freeing feeling to not have any pants on but still be considered appropriately dressed.

a knock at the door pulls his attention away from the mirror. ashley stands in the hallway, dressed as marceline from adventure time. she has an eyeliner pen in hand and holds it up, smiling.

"let me give you a puppy dog nose."

tyler is quick to agree. he closes his eyes as the felt tip presses against his skin, patiently holding still as ashley carefully draws a dog nose over the tip of his own nose. when she's finished, the sight of himself in the mirror makes him giddy.

"you look adorable," ashley says, voicing both their thoughts.

"do you think josh will like it?" the boy asks, his eyes roaming to his bare legs.

he has briefs on underneath, but what if the wind picks up outside? then everyone would see his bright yellow undies...

"oh yeah," ashley nods, "definitely. how you feeling?"

"big," tyler states, despite not letting himself look at his costume anymore because the sight alone is enough to send him into little space.

"sure," she chuckles, adjusting his headband. "is josh on his way?"

"mhm," tyler hums, grabbing his phone off the desk. the only downside of the dress is that he has no pockets.

he is about to open his messages with josh when a loud knock resounds throughout the house.

"that's him!"

he takes off sprinting down the hallway, feet pounding lightning fast as he stomps downstairs. brendon and ryan are there, the former dressed as ash and the latter dressed as pikachu. ryan is heading for the door, but tyler yells out to him.

"i got it!"

he beats ryan to the door, taking a moment to admire his friends halloween costumes. the door swings open, a cold blast of air smacking tyler as he takes in the sight before him.

josh stands with his hands in the pockets of his khaki pants, a dark and light green striped long-sleeve shirt covering his top half. a white collar pokes out from beneath the shirt, a black belt fastened around his waist. his face lights up at the sight of tyler.

"josh!" the boy exclaims.

"baby boy!"

he pulls tyler in for a hug, and the younger now notices debby standing on the porch behind josh. she's dressed as princess bubblegum. he smiles at her.

"oh, hi debby," he greets her, then turns inside to yell to ashley, "debby's here!"

he invites the two out of the cold and into the house, firmly shutting the door behind them. josh waits at his side, a big toothy smile planted on his face.

"ty baby, you look insanely adorable," he compliments, lifting the boy's hand to his lips and pressing a tender kiss to the back of it.

tyler's face heats up in response. "you think so?"

"i know so. look at you. can you give me a spin?"

the younger bites his lip, stifling the giggle that's sure to escape him otherwise. he holds his arms out to his sides, placing one foot over the other and slowly spinning himself around. he ends facing back towards josh, the fit of laughter finally spilling from him as the older grabs his face and attacks it in kisses.

"josh! josh!" he squeals, fighting to break free. "stop! not fair!"

the attack only lasts a few seconds and tyler is quick to scold his boyfriend once it's over.

"josh, i'm trying to stay big because it's halloween and i want to party. okay? so don't do things like that; things that make me feel small," he rambles before throwing in a last second, "please!"

"ohhh," josh hums, nodding. "got it, hon. only because you asked so nicely."

tyler and his friends spend the next couple of hours finishing getting ready and starting to pregame for du's halloween party. they play several games, switching to a new one each time somebody gets bored. by the time they leave to walk to the party, tyler is five drinks in and has lost count of how many josh had.

it's not hard to tell the older is still the more sober of the two, given the way he keeps his arm wrapped tightly around tyler to help keep the boy walking in a straight path. he stumbles over the ground and trips over his own feet several times, each time laughing when josh steadies him.

once they make it to the house, brendon lets them in through a back door. the group slowly works their way to the basement, getting stopped every few steps by people gathered upstairs. there's not a single anxious thought present in tyler's mind, so he has no problem introducing himself to people he's never met before and whom he probably won't remember tomorrow.

with droopy eyes and a lopsided smile, he follows his friends downstairs. a group of girls is gathered outside the basement door by the bathroom, and tyler recognizes one of them to be jenna. she, along with the other girls, are dressed as different versions of barbie. her eyes land on tyler, a huge grin spreading across her face.

"tyler! hey!"

"hi jenna," he greets. an arm drapes over his shoulders, josh standing beside him and smiling politely. "do you know josh?"

"i think i've seen you around, but we haven't met," jenna states matter-of-factly.

"yeah, i've seen you at the gym i think. i'm tyler's boyfriend," he introduces himself, chuckling when she lets out an exaggerated gasp.

"tyler!" she exclaims, playfully pushing the brunette. "you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend."

tyler laughs along, knowing fully well that him and jenna are not close enough for him to need to tell her anything about his love life. "yeah, yeah. we'll see you in there?"

he starts leading josh towards the basement door, wanting to get back to his friends.

"yeah, for sure!"

tyler gives her one last smile before finally opening the basement door. a wave of hot air smacks him in the face, the smell of sweat and alcohol mixing in a foul way. he cringes but continues dragging josh behind him, easily spotting his friends in the crowd from their halloween costumes.

"there you are," ashley laughs, taking tyler's hand from josh.

she begins dancing with him, the brunette completing absorbed by the music for a moment before he remembers josh is still there. he glances over his shoulder, finding him in the midst of a conversation with pete with his eyes still locked on tyler. the latter winks, giggling when josh copies the action.

"josh!" he yells over the music, unintentionally interrupting the conversation, "can you get me some punch?"

the older raises an eyebrow at him, waiting. tyler rolls his eyes, mouthing the word please and watching the slight blush that colors josh's cheeks before he walks away. he grins in triumph, returning back to dancing with ashley and pulling debby in to join them too. the three are in the middle of singing dancing queen when josh returns, two red solo cups in hand.

tyler gratefully accepts his drink, taking a large gulp. he decides to leave the girls, opting to take josh's hand and dance with him instead. they sing to each other, grinning and laughing like two fools.

when a pitbull song comes on, tyler shamelessly makes his way to one of the elevated surfaces. he stands on a platform in the middle of the room, ashley and ryan beside him, as he sings along. josh stands below, one arm outstretched as tyler holds onto his hand and refuses to let go. they stay like that until tyler finishes his drink a few songs later, then they both head to fill up their cups.

tyler's watch buzzes with a message as he finishes getting more punch.

bren 🍭:
we went upstairs to the smoke room come or ur lame

he holds out his wrist to show josh who hums in acknowledgement. "do you wanna go?"

"no," tyler whines, looking at the crowd in the basement. "i'm having fun down here... and he knows we don't smoke!"

"okay, so we'll stay," josh decides, pulling the shorter back into the middle of the sea of bodies.

"are we lame?" tyler pouts, letting josh raise his arm above his head and spin him around.

"no, they're lame," he chuckles, pulling tyler in against his chest.

he holds him close, one arm wrapped around his waist and the other holding a drink at his side, mindful to not spill a drop. tyler leans into him, a firm hand on his hip to steady himself as they move together to the music. soft lips brush against his forehead, a tender gesture that spreads warmth through his body and brings a smile to his face.

he gazes up at josh, their eyes trained on each other's for a moment before the older leans in and brushes their lips together. tyler's eyes flutter shut, his grip on josh tightening as they carefully work their lips together. his mouth is laced with the taste of beer, only drawing tyler in further. his mind whirls with thoughts of josh, wanting him in all the ways they haven't yet explored together.

the realization startles tyler.

he breaks the kiss, searching josh's eyes in an attempt to read him. his eyes are dark, with hazelnut irises glazed over as his eyelids hang low. an open-mouthed smile is etched on his face, practically drooling with desire. tyler can't help but giggle at the sight of him, his face a bright shade of red as he takes a step backwards.

"josh, we're so drunk," he mentions.

"yeah," josh agrees, shaking his head. he looks down at his cup, swirling its contents. "maybe we should go find everyone?"

"okay," tyler agrees, grateful for the suggestion. he's not sure what he'd do with himself if him and josh remained alone for much longer, and that terrifies him.

he doesn't want to make some drunken mistake.

tyler leads josh to the second floor of the house where he knows the smoke room is thanks to brendon bringing him there several times prior. he slowly swings open the cracked door, a shy smile planted on his face as everyone in the room cheers upon seeing him.

he knows most of the people sitting around the coffee table, but there's a few unfamiliar faces. he opens the door further to reveal josh and another string of cheers spills from the group.

"you guys actually came!" brendon laughs, patting the spot on the couch next to him. "here, sit."

with a glance around the room, tyler realizes it's the only available seat, unless one of them wants to sit on the floor. he looks to josh who just shrugs at him. the older slides into the spot beside brendon, patting his lap.

tyler is quick to take a seat on his thighs, josh's arm secured firmly around his waist as they lean against each other. everyone turns their attention back to the blunt being passed around and the game of mario kart debby and ashley are playing on the tv. josh and tyler are too busy mumbling to each other to care about any of it.

"have i told you how cute you look tonight?" josh asks, taking tyler's hand in his own.

"mhm," tyler hums, his skin burning under josh's touch. "you look super cute too."

"oh yeah? you think so?"

"yup i do," tyler slurs, letting his head fall to rest on josh's shoulder. he raises his free hand to the older's face, tenderly brushing a loose curl out of his eye and off his forehead.

they sit enveloped in their own bubble, their voices low against the backdrop of the chatter from the rest of the room. tyler and josh drunkenly murmur to one another a slew of compliments and inside jokes, the rest of the room fading away. snuggled against josh's chest, tyler feels dizzy, not only from the booze but also from the way his boyfriend's voice sends a tingles through his body. he could stay like this for an eternity, lost in the warmth of josh's arms.

he can feel the older's breath against his neck, warm and gentle, and the steady rise and fall of his chest against him. the music and noise from the rest of the party seem distant and unimportant, the only thing that matters in this moment being the two of them, wrapped up in each other's arms.

as tyler sits there in the comfort of his boyfriend's arms, his mind can't help but stray to thoughts of how much he loves him. just as quickly as the thought appears, it's pushed away by a wave of fear. he's not just afraid of how josh might react if he knew the depth of his feelings; he's also terrified of what being in love means for him. love only leads to heartbreak. tyler isn't sure he's ready to face that.

he feels torn between wanting to pour his heart out to josh and wanting to keep his feelings hidden. on one hand, he wants nothing more than to tell josh how much he means to him, but on the other hand, the fear of getting hurt keeps him quiet. he wonders what josh would say if he knew how strongly tyler feels about him, and the thought makes his heart race. instead of saying anything, he just presses himself closer into josh, seeking comfort.

josh nuzzles his face into the younger's hair, humming contently. tyler is overcome with a heavy guilt that gnaws at his insides. he knows he should be able to tell josh how he feels, that he should trust the older enough to be vulnerable with him, but he constantly retreats into himself. despite the previous conversations they've had about how tyler should trust him and how much he wants to be better for josh, the fear still holds him back. he wonders if josh secretly resents him for being so closed off, and the thought makes him feel like a terrible boyfriend.

"josh?" his voice is quiet, barely a squeak.

josh pulls back from the embrace just enough to be able to meet the younger's gaze. he looks curious, his eyes flickering between tyler's as his brows furrow slightly.

"yeah?"

tyler hesitates, capturing his lower lip between crooked teeth. he chews on it for a second, contemplating whether he should go against his gut and finally admit his feelings once and for all. the guilt is burning him from the inside out, the words pushing against his tongue but still caught in his throat. he swallows thickly.

"i'm kinda tired..."

gosh, he's such a coward.

"oh." josh's concern is replaced with a small smile. "let's go to bed, then."

tyler nods, easing himself from josh's lap as he stands and stretches his arms above his head. he starts to fake a yawn, but it quickly turns into a real one. his friends turn to him, frowning.

"are you leaving?" ryan asks.

"yeah," josh speaks for both of them, "we're getting pretty tired."

"it's not even one yet!" brendon argues.

josh only shrugs in response, keeping his hand on the small of tyler's back. a moment of silence passes between them before ashley finally speaks up.

"kay, goodnight guys!"

"night," josh and tyler say in unison.

they wave goodbye to the room before they head downstairs and out into the frigid october night. tyler's skin is immediately covered in goosebumps, a shiver running through him as he wraps his arms tightly against himself.

"c'mere," josh urges, pulling the brunette against himself. he rubs tyler's arm in an attempt to warm him with the friction. "did you have fun?"

"yeah," tyler admits, keeping his eyes trained on the ground.

he can't stop thinking about how much he doesn't deserve josh, and how josh deserves so much better than him.

"me too," josh chuckles, his arm wrapped tight around the boy. they walk in silence for a few moments before he asks, "tyler?"

"yeah?"

"i love you."

(you can start the song if you want mwahaha)

oh no.

tyler comes to a halt, stopping josh in the midst of his stride. he stumbles backwards, his arm dropping from the boy as he turns to face him. his confusion is evident, eyes laced with concern as he wants for tyler to say something.

to say anything.

literally anything.

"oh," tyler whispers, keeping his eyes casted down towards their feet. he wrings his hands nervously, silent for another moment before uttering a soft, "what?"

"i said i love you..." josh insists, his tone much more meek and unsure now.

tyler is such an idiot.

a wave of panic washes over him as he realizes that josh has just confessed his love for him. he hadn't even considered the possibility that his feelings might be reciprocated, and suddenly he feels completely overwhelmed. the alcohol coursing through his veins only makes his thoughts more disjointed, struggling to come up with a coherent response. he's not sure how he would react to this information even if he were sober, let alone in his current state.

he's not ready for this.

"tyler?"

josh's voice trembles, pleading for tyler's attention, and tyler's gaze slowly rises to meet his.

josh stands before him, hands tucked into his pockets. in the dim light of the moon, tyler can see that his cheeks are glistening with tears. his heart sinks like a stone, knowing he's a terrible boyfriend and that the sight of josh crying is all his fault.

he opens his mouth to speak, but the words die on his tongue. what can he even say?

"please," josh whispers, "say something."

"i..." he hesitates, his gaze fixed on the tear that trickles down josh's chin.

he longs to reach out and hold him, to wipe his tears away and tell him that he's so sorry and he loves him so much. he truly does, he knows he does, but the words are still caught in his throat.

"don't... don't say that. you- you don't mean it," tyler mutters weakly, his hands trembling.

josh raises his sleeve to his face, carefully wiping the wet tears away, but the tears keep falling, running down his cheeks like tiny streams as tyler watches helplessly.

"but... tyler." he pleads, his voice strained and desperate. the shame burning in deep in tyler's throat and the hollowness in his stomach continue to heighten. "i..."

"please," he cuts him off, his own voice shaking and pleading. "josh, i... please, just- just don't. can we just go home?"

josh takes a few deep breaths to steady his breathing, struggling to regain his composure as he takes a moment to collect himself and dry his face on his sleeve. although the tears have subsided for the moment, they remain just below the surface, ready to spill over at any second.

"okay," josh whispers, holding out his hand.

tyler pauses for a moment before taking it, his heart heavy. they begin the walk back to tyler's house in silence, their footsteps echoing in the stillness of the night. the only sound between them is the occasional sniffle from josh, who tries to keep his emotions in check. the younger keeps his eyes on the pavement in front of them, afraid that if he looks over he'll see josh crying again.

his heart feels like it's crumbling into pieces.

he's ruined everything.

josh will never forgive him for this, and tyler knows he doesn't deserve forgiveness anyway.

if he hadn't been such a coward, none of this would have happened. if he had just been brave enough to admit his feelings, to tell josh that he loves him too, they wouldn't be here now, walking in silence while josh struggles to keep himself together.

tyler is baffled by josh's composure. he isn't even sure how he's managed to not lose his cool and lash out on him like any other sane person would have. instead, he just calmly holds his hand and walks silently beside him. tyler can't help but feel frustrated. why hasn't josh blown up at him? why didn't he raise his voice or show any sign of anger? he almost wishes josh would.

wait, what is his problem?

why does he want josh to get angry?

is he trying to punish himself? or maybe he's trying to prove something to himself—prove that he is right to be afraid of josh and that he isn't scared for nothing. because right now, based on josh's reaction, he's starting to feel the opposite.

maybe he truly is scared for nothing...

as they arrive at tyler's house, tyler braces himself for the inevitable moment when josh will drop him off at the door and leave him alone with his thoughts. but to his surprise, josh follows him inside, gently closing and locking the door behind them. they make their way to tyler's room in silence, the soft sound of their footsteps on the wooden floor almost deafening in the quiet of the night. josh's eyes are now dry and expressionless, all traces of the earlier tears erased.

he turns to face the boy with a smile that doesn't quite meet his eyes. "ready for bed, baby?" he asks in a quiet, gentle voice.

tyler's heart clenches at the nickname, feeling unworthy of the love and care that josh always offers him. he nods silently, his heart pounding in his chest as he allows josh to carefully remove the headband from his hair and ease him into his pajamas. josh still urges him to brush his teeth like they would any other normal night. the only difference is that tyler doesn't argue this time, he just does as he's told.

after they brush their teeth and josh has changed into his pajamas too, both boys slide under the covers of the twin-sized bed, the room enveloped in the darkness of night. the soft glow from the night light casts a warm glow on josh's face, illuminating his features in the darkness.

his arms envelop tyler, holding the boy tight against his chest. even though tyler made him cry tonight, the older continues to hold him with the same tenderness and care he always does. tyler curls into his embrace, grateful but also feeling undeserving of such unwavering affection.

"i'm sorry," he whispers, certain he'll be unable to sleep with the heaviness pulling on his heart.

"shhh," josh shushes him, soothing a hand through his hair. "go to sleep, dear. i'll still be here in the morning."

tyler doesn't respond. he just shuts his eyes and tries to let sleep take him.

(a/n: i'm sorry hehe

thanks 4 reading, love you guys!)