4072 words

tyler recovers quickly from his mysterious frat-induced illness. he's thankful, too, because the friday that he happens to feel back to his normal, healthy self is the same day as ashley's birthday. all week they've been planning on going downtown for dinner and throwing a small party, as per ashley's request. he doesn't really feel up to drinking and partying since he just got over what was seemingly caused from his previous night out, but he's forcing himself to go for ashley's sake. she's his best friend, after all.

he voices this to josh as they're on their walk home from the gym. being that it's the end of september, the temperature has started to cool off a bit as the hot sun no longer blazes down with fury. tyler is wearing the oversized blink-182 hoodie that he begged josh to let him borrow. he plans on keeping it for the week until it loses josh's scent and then asking for a different one.

josh, having just finished a workout, is still clad in his gym shorts and a damp band tee. his skin is covered in a thin layer of sweat, evident from the way a few curls stick to his forehead and his clammy hand around tyler's. the latter would never complain, though. he'd happily hold josh's hand no matter how hot and sweaty. plus, josh looks really cute with his flushed cheeks and messy hair.

"i don't want to ruin ashley's birthday," tyler sighs, lifting his gaze to look at josh for only a moment before dropping his eyes back to the ground in front of him.

"don't be silly," josh says, swinging their arms lightly. "you're not ruining anything, honey. if you don't want to drink, then we won't. if you don't want to spend your whole time downstairs around a bunch of drunk people, then we won't. ashley will understand."

"but am i ruining your night, then?" the younger frowns, carefully avoiding the cracks on the pavement below him.

"what makes you think that?"

"because... i don't know. you don't have to not drink just because i'm not, and if i decide to go upstairs you don't have to come with me. i feel bad."

"ty, you're too sweet," josh chuckles, lifting the boy's hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it. "there's nothing to feel bad for. i'm happy as long as i'm with you."

tyler's cheeks grow hot, unable to fight the smile working its way to his face. josh always says the nicest things to him; he isn't even sure what he did to deserve it. "okay. if you say so."

"i do, and ashley won't care either," josh states matter-of-factly before switching the subject, "did you end up catching up on the homework you missed when you were sick?"

"most of it," tyler nods, feeling josh's eyes on him. he admits, "i've been a little distracted."

"with what?"

"looking at halloween costumes," he mumbles, shooting a glance at josh to find him smiling amusedly.

"halloween is over a month away still, dear. you really need to focus on your work."

"i know!" he exclaims, "but... can we wear matching costumes?"

josh laughs, "of course! i thought that was a given."

"and can we do one silly costume and one cute costume?" tyler continues. when josh raises an eyebrow he explains, "we have to have a different costume for friday and saturday night, obviously."

"oh, right, obviously," josh grins. "yeah, we can do that. do you have any ideas in mind?"

"a couple, but it's easier if i just show you. can i?" he asks, squeezing josh's hand in excitement.

"of course, baby, but after i shower. think you can wait that long?"

"no!" tyler groans, fighting the urge to grin. "i'm going to explode and die if i have to wait."

josh chuckles, shaking his head. "i think you'll be okay."

they walk the rest of the way in silence, tyler's attention directed towards their feet and the swinging hands between them. once at the house, josh is quick to hop in the shower so tyler attempts to work on more of the assignments he had missed. he's sitting at his desk working diligently when josh returns, water dripping from the ends of his curls.

"josh!" tyler gasps, "you didn't even dry off all the way!"

josh lifts the towel he's holding to his head and frantically shakes his wet hair against it like a wet dog trying to dry off. when he finishes, his loose curls are an insane mess sticking out in every single direction. tyler's heart can't help but soften at the sight.

"you're crazy," he says adoringly, cheeks burning red when josh's soft lips press against his forehead.

"crazy for you," josh winks, earning a smack to his arm.

"stop," tyler says, pursing his lips to contain the smile fighting its way out. "can i show you halloween costumes now?"

"yeah," josh says, sliding to sit on tyler's bed. he pats the spot next to him. "c'mere."

the younger is quick to join him, sighing in content when one of josh's arms wraps around him and pulls him in to cuddle. with his other hand, josh hooks his hand beneath tyler's knees and brings his legs to rest across his lap. they share a brief kiss before turning their attention to tyler's phone.

he shows josh a bunch of the ideas he has saved on pinterest as well as a few things he saved to his camera roll. josh doesn't seem to love any idea too much until they get to one of a couple dressed up like blue and steve from blues clues.

"that is the cutest thing i have ever seen," he gushes, looking between the screen and tyler. "and you would look so cute dressed up as blue."

"you like it?" tyler lights up, wiggling his toes excitedly. "i thought about bluey and bandit but those costumes are just onesies and that's not as much fun as making our own costumes like this."

"i love it, honey. i think we should do it," josh decides, "and maybe we can get those onesies anyway. just for fun."

tyler gasps, clamping his hand over his heart. he looks at josh with wide eyes. "can we really get them still!? i didn't even think of that. oh my gosh! please? can we? pleeeaaase?"

"of course," josh says, laughing when tyler's arms wrap around him in a tight hug and the boy cheers triumphantly.

"that'll be so awesome! i love-," tyler quickly cuts himself off with an awkward chuckle, "-bluey," he finishes, hoping his face doesn't appear as red as it feels.

josh doesn't seem to think anything of it, thankfully. he just says, "i know, hon. what about the other costume?"

"oh!" tyler exclaims, turning his attention back to his phone. he's glad to quickly move past what he almost just confessed. he shows josh a few mid-tier options before getting to the last one.

"this is my favorite," he says, giggling as he turns the screen towards josh. it reveals a photo of a man dressed as hugh hefner and a woman as a playboy bunny.

josh raises an eyebrow, pointing at the woman, "you'd want to wear that?"

"no, you'd wear that," tyler giggles as he explains, "that's why it's funny."

a snort escapes josh before slapping his hand to his mouth. he stares at the picture in silence for a moment before he can't hold his laughter in any longer. "that's great! i love it. let's do it."

"really?" tyler laughs along, glad josh finds it just as amusing as he does.

"yeah," josh nods, erupting in another fit of laughter when he looks back at the photo. "oh, god that's so good. everyone's going to love it."

one of the perks of being at a small liberal arts college is that the overwhelming majority of people on campus are extremely progressive. he's even watched brendon's frat brothers kiss each other out of "love for the homies" as they say. tyler wouldn't have even suggested the idea if he thought they would've received backlash. josh must think similarly, because he probably wouldn't have agreed to it otherwise.

the two end up laying wrapped up in each other and watching tiktok on tyler's phone until the time dinner rolls around. josh graciously agrees to drive everybody to the restaurant because, one, nobody wants to walk and, two, everybody else wants to order drinks. besides tyler, of course.

once seated, tyler is happy to listen to the lulling banter between his friends over the soft music filling the room. he isn't one to usually contribute much to group conversations—he'd rather tune in and out and laugh along occasionally. most of the time he's in his own head and this time is no different.

his eyes are unfocused, lazily gazing at ryan's margarita across the table while wrapped up in his own thoughts. he thinks about the assignments he needs to catch up on and about how he stumbled over his words when talking to jenna at the gym earlier that day. he thinks about the night ahead and how he might upset ashley by leaving her party early. mostly he just thinks about josh.

he'd nearly slipped up and admitted the one thing he's been desperately trying to ignore. they haven't even been together for a month yet, though that date is quickly approaching. tyler isn't sure how or why josh was able to so easily fight his way through the walls he spent years building. he knows there's still so much that josh doesn't know about him, and he's sure there's so much josh hasn't told him yet either, but that doesn't make a difference. josh went right for the kill, directly at his armored heart, and tyler would be lying if he said it didn't work.

something about the way josh carries himself compliments tyler perfectly. josh is strong and confident and unapologetically himself. he's even told tyler that he just doesn't get anxious hardly ever. tyler is pretty much the opposite in every sense, but being with josh and seeing how easy it comes to him has definitely been having an effect on tyler.

it makes sense emotionally how quickly tyler has fallen for him, but not really logically. every time tyler finds himself thinking about their future and the possibility of living happily ever after, he's quick to shut it down. knowing that he's already in love with josh, not letting himself think about their future is just yet another way to protect himself from getting hurt. at least, that's what his therapist tells him.

a hand on his knee pulls him from his thoughts. he turns to find josh looking at him, brows knitted in concern.

"you okay?" he asks lowly, not wanting to disturb the current conversation and draw everyone's attention to tyler.

"yeah, why?"

"i don't know," josh frowns, "you just looked... troubled?"

"oh," tyler mouths. "no, i'm fine."

josh seems unconvinced. "what were you thinking about?"

"you," tyler admits, dropping his gaze to the table when he feels the tips of his ears grow hot, "and other things."

josh chuckles, gently squeezing his knee. he opens his mouth to say something, but the waiter approaches their table with a tray full of food. tyler is grateful for the interruption, fearing josh was going to pry more. not only does he just feel guilty whenever he lies to him, but it's extremely hard to when josh sees through him perfectly. the conversation picks back up when the waiter leaves and this time tyler is quick to jump in to avoid any of josh's lingering questions.

once the group is back at the house, they all begin to set up for ashley's party. they're all already tipsy, besides josh and tyler, so the two of them end up doing most of the work while the others keep getting distracted by random things.

at one point, tyler is able to pull ashley aside and explain his situation for the night. like josh had predicted, she's extremely understanding and says she doesn't care as long as he tells her when he's tapping out.

by the time the first wave of guests arrive, tyler's friends are already drunk. debby is the most sober of them, claiming she'll need all her brain power to be able to take care of ashley tonight. slowly but surely, a decent number of people are scattered throughout the house with drinks in hand. josh's hands are empty, but tyler is nursing a juice box. they stand in their own corner away from the drunken crowd, chatting occasionally but mostly just observing.

"have i ever told you about my dad before?" josh asks randomly, pulling tyler's attention away from the game of beer pong he's currently watching.

"no, why?"

"just wondering," josh says, seemingly battling with himself before he continues, "he used to be an alcoholic when i was younger... um, pretty badly actually."

tyler turns to face him, frowning. neither of them had shared anything about their fathers before. tyler would rather talk about anything else and he just assumed there wasn't anything for josh to tell.

josh rubs the back of his neck. "yeah, so, that's why i don't care so much if i drink or not. just so you know. i mean, he's fine now. he's recovered. but yeah."

"doesn't going to parties suck then?" tyler asks.

"no. i mean, i don't care if people drink, it's just that i never want to be like he was. we're in college, obviously people are going to drink and i am too. it's just something i'm worried about," josh rambles, having found tyler's free hand and occupying himself with it.

"i think that you worrying about it means you won't be like he was, though," tyler voices, offering a smile when josh's eyes meet his. his lips curl ever-so-slightly.

"maybe you're right," he agrees.

"i'm sorry, though. i can't imagine what that was like."

"yeah, it's okay. he got sober after my mom kicked him out when i was thirteen, so at least it was only thirteen years of hell and not my whole life," josh chuckles, but tyler can tell it's just to soften the blow. he's not sure whether to pry or let it go, but josh continues before he can reach a conclusion.

"okay, it wasn't that bad i guess. i mean, other kids definitely have it worse. and my mom got the worst of it. it was only when i'd try to get involved that he'd hit me too."

tyler cringes at the image of anybody laying a hand on little josh, feeling an overwhelming anger burning at his chest. "you say that like it wasn't a terrible thing."

josh shrugs. "i'm just over it now, i guess. i'm older. he's older. he's sober. he apologized. we forgave him. he's done a lot to make up for it."

"well, i don't think i forgive him," tyler says, fearing he said something wrong with the look josh gives him until a smile spreads across his features.

"that's okay. i wouldn't either if the roles were reversed," he chuckles lightly, grabbing hold of the back of tyler's head as he presses a kiss to his forehead.

"dads suck," tyler empathizes, regretting his words the moment they've left his mouth.

"your dad, too?"

"no, i mean, he wasn't ever an alcoholic, so..."

tyler thinks that just makes it worse, though. his dad didn't have any substances to blame for being a shitty person. that's just how he was to his core—shitty.

josh quickly realizes it's not something tyler is interested in discussing, so he allows the conversation to fall dead. they both turn their attention back to the game, tyler's heart racing in his chest. he's not ready to tell josh anything about his dad yet. hell, he's not even ready to tell him about dallon. the thought of having to do so terrifies him. once it's all out there, there's no taking it back. josh could judge him, blame him, use it against him, and who knows what else. he decides he'll put it off for as long as possible.

they spend around another hour or so at the party, only heading upstairs once ashley has blown out the candles on her birthday cake. she does so with the help of tyler; he has to hold her hair back because in her drunken state she doesn't realize it's about to catch on fire. he hugs her goodnight afterwards, happy that she requested brendon turn the music down a little to not disturb him.

once in the safety of his room, tyler sighs in relief. josh is quick to crawl into his bed, shedding off his pants to leave him in just a t-shirt and boxers. the younger is quick to join him in the dark room, the only light dimly illuminating from his night light. the music downstairs is barely audible, much to tyler's relief.

he changes into a pair of monsters inc pajama pants and climbs in next to josh, humming contently as he snuggles against his side. josh's strong arms enclose him, his intoxicating scent enough alone to get tyler drunk. he inhales sharply, burying his nose against the older's shirt.

"you did so good tonight," josh says softly, soothing his hands through tyler's messy locks.

"huh?" tyler glances towards him, just barely able to make out his sharp features. josh's touch is soothing, pulling his eyes closed.

"i know you don't love being around people, and being sober in a room full of drunks is even worse, but you did so good."

"you think so?" he beams, capturing his lower lip between his teeth, "well, thanks. you did, too."

josh chuckles lowly, twirling a strand of tyler's hair between his fingers while his other hand finds its way beneath his shirt and rubs goosebumps against the bare skin of his back. josh knows exactly how to get to his heart; tyler has always been a sucker for physical affection. he cherishes moments like these when they have their sweet conversations and josh can't keep his hands to himself.

they sit in the silence for a few moments before josh speaks. "thanks for listening about my dad earlier. i've never really talked to anybody about it before."

"you don't have to thank me," tyler points out. "you can talk to me about anything at anytime and i'll listen."

josh is quiet for a few moments, the sound of his heartbeat rattling in tyler's ears. "do you think the same about me?"

"what do you mean?"

"that you can talk to me about anything at anytime?"

tyler's heart drops while he hesitates, unsure of how to respond. he knows in theory that it's true, but feels like it's so much more complicated than that. he feels guilty for not being as open with josh as he is with him, like it makes him worse of a boyfriend. he's desperate to fill the growing silence with each passing second so he finally just mutters, "i guess so."

josh sighs heavily, the sound only tugging at tyler's heart more. "because you can. you can tell me anything, tyler. i wish you'd realize that, that you don't have to be afraid."

"i'm sorry," tyler whispers, tears pricking at his eyes. he can't do anything right. he never thought about how his actions affect josh, but clearly it upsets him. and why wouldn't it? if tyler were him, he'd feel pretty upset too.

"hey," josh frowns, flattening his hand against tyler's back and lifting the boy's chin to meet his eyes. "it's okay, hon. i'm just not sure what else i can do to help you trust me. what can i do?"

"i don't know," he mutters lamely, chewing on his lip in an attempt to stifle the tears threatening to spill. "i don't think you can do anything. it's just me..."

a single tear escapes him but josh is quick to brush it away with his thumb. "it's okay," he repeats, "i'm sorry for pushing. it's just that sometimes i feel like i'm not doing a good enough job."

"what?" tyler chuckles in disbelief. here he is thinking he's a terrible boyfriend and it's all his fault, yet somehow josh feels the same. "no, you are. trust me. you're amazing, josh. i don't know what i ever did to deserve you. i feel like i'm the one not doing a good job."

"what?" josh chuckles as well, shaking his head. "i guess we've both been in our own heads about this, huh?"

"i guess so," tyler mumbles, "but i didn't mean for you to be... it's my fault."

josh shushes him, dipping his head down for a soft, lingering kiss. "it's not your fault."

"but-"

"tyler," josh interrupts him, "it's not your fault."

"yeah but-"

"it's not your fault," josh repeats more sternly this time. "i know you're the psychology minor here, but i'm not ignorant. i know that things must have happened to you to get to this point, so it's not your fault. and whatever it was that happened to you, that's not your fault either."

tyler is unable to form a response to that. for years he's blamed himself for all the things he's been through, and without even knowing a single thing josh is able to decide that none of it is his fault. tyler wonders if that would change once he knows the details, but the look in his eyes says otherwise.

he looks at tyler as if he could do no wrong.

"you don't know that," tyler says, finally, challenging him.

"i do," josh counters, "i'm sure of it."

"how?"

"i might not know what exactly happened, but i know you. you're the sweetest, kindest, most gentle person i've ever met," he pauses, inhaling deeply before continuing.

"and bad people hurt good people just because they know they can. doesn't mean it's the good person's fault for being good... just means it's the bad person's fault for being bad. does that make sense?"

tyler has to bury his face in josh's shirt to hide the fact that he's desperately fighting back tears. josh has no idea how much his words are impacting him, but they're seeping into his core. the blame tyler places on himself has always been rooted in him being too soft, kind, sweet... all the things josh adores about him. he's always thought that him being that way is a bad thing and that it's the reason everything happened to him, but maybe josh is right. maybe it's the bad person's fault for being bad.

it's his dad's fault for being bad.

it's dallon's fault for being bad.

it's not tyler's fault.

despite how hard he's fighting the battle, tyler ultimately ends up losing and starts sobbing into josh's chest. he feels ridiculous and vulnerable and quite honestly ashamed that he's blamed himself for so long when a sentence so simple was able to shift his belief. josh holds him and lets him cry, once again rubbing his back in the way that he likes. tyler clings to him tightly, trying to hold onto those words.

it's the bad person's fault for being bad.

tyler repeats it in his head over and over again until it doesn't sting as much, and only then is he able to take a few deep breaths and calm himself. even after he finishes, he stays with his face hidden against josh.

"how're you feeling, bub?"

"like i don't deserve you," tyler admits, willing himself to finally tilt his head towards his boyfriend.

josh leans in, pressing his lips to the boy's forehead. against his skin, he mumbles, "you deserve the world."

this time, tyler actually lets himself believe him.

(a/n: UM?? OKAY?? like this chapter is so simple but it's definitely my favorite that i've written so far and i feel so, so proud of it. why am i proud of tyler like i'm not literally the one writing this story lmfao. anyway, i have so many good things in store for you all in the future :-) i basically have the entire story planned out so now it's just a matter of actually writing it, and i promise you'll love (and maybe hate mwahaha) every up and down along the way. thanks for reading!

stay alive |-/)