AN: Long Chapter ahead.. To avoid dragging out these scenes any more, I made them into a single chapter. It is quite long as well since Ashwin's feelings must be expressed in it.

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Ashwin's Diary:

School ku leave yen vitanganu iruku, veeta vitu velilaye vara maatikuriye maa nee. Una pakama enala iruka mudiala. romba kastama iruku. aana oru visayam purinjuduchu.. Naan unna kadhalikuren. manasellam nee than iruka. intha pirivu enaku atha unarthiduchu di. nee eppo enna unaruva? unoda vala kathittu iruken di. enaku sariya en unarvugala solla theriala di. athanala enaku thonra paata solren. Unna ninaikum pothu enaku intha paatu thaan di ippo thonuthu, ithuvum pudichuruku.

(Why did they announce a break for school? Why are you staying inside your house? You must come see me. Living a life without you in sight every day is incredibly difficult. But I did realize something. You are in my heart and I love you. I understood that because of this separation. Will you feel me soon? I eagerly await living with you. I'm not sure how to convey my love. I therefore just write whatever comes to mind. Now, the words that come to mind when I think of you are, )

song:

Maalai En Vedhanai
Kootuthadi
Kaadhal Than Velaiyai
Kaatuthadi

Ennai Vaattum Velai Yenadi
Nee Solvaai Kanmani
Mugam Kaattu En Pournami
En Kaadhal Veenai Nee

Vedhanai Sollidum
Raagathile
Veguthe En Manam
Mogathile

 ipoo ellam unna katipudikura mathiri, mutham kudukura mathiri kanavu varuthu, yetkam varuthu. love you di kannama.  (These days, I find myself wanting to embrace and hug you in my dreams. Love you di kannama.)

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Nee pora vali ellam en college advertisement otti vachuten. please di, en college vanthu sernthudu. Unoda pesa palaga romba yetkathoda kathutu iruken. school leave vituthula irunthu unna pakave mudiala, una eppo papom nu kathitu iruken. unoda palaga, una purinchuka nu pala kanavugaloda iruken. vanthidu di, ellam poiya poidumonu nu bayama iruku di..

ippo ellam entha padala ketalum nee than di gnabagathuku vara, ippo kooda nan unna pathi yosichathum en manasula thondurara varigal enna theriuma? en kannama ku en yetkatha eluthatuma? itha padicha unaku athu puriuma?  kannama, en kannama itho unakana varigal...

(I posted an advertisement for my college on your walkway. Join my college, please. I'm eager to interact with you. Once they granted leave at school, I didn't see you. I'm eager to meet you. I had a dream that we were interacting. Come to me, please. Every time I hear a song these days, I think of you. Do you know what words pop into my head right now when I think of you? Can I express my desire to my kannama? Once you've read this, will you comprehend? Kannama, My kannama.. my words for you is..)

Meettadha Veenai Tharukindra Ragam
Kekathu Poogandhale
Oottadha Thayin Kanakkindra Pal Pol
En Kadhal Kidakkindrathe

Agayam Sayama Thoovanamethu
Arama Arama Kayangalethu
Kannamma Kannamma Kannile Ennamma Kannamma

Poovaga En Kadhal Thenoorudho
Thenaga Thenaga Vanoorudho
Kannamma Kannamma Kannile Ennamma

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Ini naan intha diary la un kooda pesa vendia avasiyam illa. Unake eluthi anupiduven. aana unkooda oru nanbana maatum than iruka mudium. seekram unkita ellame soliduven di.. apuram thinamum ovoru nimishamum kadhal thaan di.. love you di kannama, una pathi thonum pothellam enna varigal en manasula thonutho, entha patoda varigal thonutho atha ellam elutha poren di, unakaga.. 

orunaal itha vasichu namma rendu perum marupadium intha nimishatha valanum. 

(In the future, I won't write to you in my diary. I'll start writing to you right away. Yet I can still be your friend right now. I'll tell you everything soon, I promise. And every minute after that, we'll fall in love. Love you di kannama. From now on, everytime I think of you, I'll write in it whatever comes to mind.

One day, we'll read this diary, relive this experience, and relish it.)

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Unkita irunthu enaku vantha mudhal kaditham, unaium ariyama nee en kadhali nu soliruka muthal nale,... ena pola oru lucky person intha ulagathulaye kidaiyathu dii.. Nee en kadhali thaan, naan un kadhalanaa nu nee than solanum.  

unaku pathukapu koduka matumilladi, unoda vaala thaan nan. 

Enapola vala unaku asaiah? en chella ratchasiye, unaku pudichathala thaan naan ipadi iruken. unakave naan Chanakiyan na iruken. Enakga nee enkitaye vanthiru di. intha poiya ellam unmai akidu.  

Namakaga thane nan sambarikura ellame, kanaku pakama thayangama vangu di... love you di kannama... Unakana varigal di,

(Today I got the first letter from you. Unknowingly you introduced yourself as my lover. I am the luckiest person in the world.  You are my lover, But you too need to confirm that.
I am there not only to safeguard you but to live with you. You wish to live like me? oh my sweet angel, I am changed like this as per your likeness. Because of you I followed Chanakiyan. Please come to me di. Let everything be true between us.
I started to earn for us, so don't hesitate to buy anything.. Love you di kannama. My words for you is,)

Pirandha mannai alli thindren unnai kaanum munbu
Nee nadantha mannai alli thindren unnai kanda pinbu
Annai thandhai kandadhillai naan kan thirandha pinbu
En athanai uravum motham kanden unnai kanda pinbu

Saavai azhaithu kaditham potten kaadhalikum munbu
Oru saavai pudhaika sakthi ketkiren kaadhal vandha pinbu
Unnaal en kadal azhai urangavae illai
Unnaal en nilavuku udal nalam illai

Pennae en payanamo thodangavae illai
Adharkul adhu mudivadhaa vilangavae illai
Naan karaiyaavadhum illai nuraiyaavadhum
Valar piraiyaavadhum un sollil ulladhadi
Un irukam thaan en uyirai kolludhadi kolludhadi

Kaadhal vandhaal solli anupu
Kaadhal vandhaal solli anupu

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ellarum una en kadhaliah paakum pothu manasellam santhosama iruku dii, ipo ellam nan siricha mugamave iruken nu solranga. Thanks di kannamma, enake ithu puthusa iruku. Love you di kannamma. Unakum ithe pola nan santhosatha tharuven kandippa. inaiku unakana varigal di, 

(I am very much happy when everyone notice you as my lover. I am having a smiling face now-a-days. Thank you di, This is new to me. Love you di kannama. I waiting to share the happiness with you. My words for you today is,)

Vizhigalin Aruginil Vaanam
Vegu Tholaivinil Tholaivinil Thookam
Idhu Aindhu Pulangalin Yekkam
En Mudhal Mudhal Anubavam oho ya

Pennai Sandhithen
Aval Natpai Yaasithen
Aval Panbai Naesithen
Vaerenna Naan Solla oho ya

Kaadhodu Mounangal
Isai Vaarkindra Nerangal
Pasi Neer Thookkam Illaamal
Uyir Vaazhgindra Maayangal

Irudhayamae Thudikkiradha?
Thudippathu Poal Nadikkiradha?
Tholaithidavaa Maraithidavaa?
Ragasiyamaai Thavithidivaa?

Kannama, nijamave nan inga unakaga ragasiyama una nesichukitu kathirukiren, seekram ethuko dii... (Kannama, truly I am secretly loving you. Please come to me soon.)

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Namakaga kaasu sethu vaika arambichuten di, fees katinathu poga meethi irukura kaasu ellam ini namma kudumbathuku thaan. Unna naan rani mathiri vachupen dii... kavalapadatha nee asai padra ellame unaku vaangi tharuven. 
Ne thayangama ellame enkita vangi thaa nu kekura naal varum appo nan enna konjam konjama velipadutha arambichuduven. love you di kannama, unakana varigal, 

(I began setting aside money for our family. After paying the fees, a certain amount is set aside for savings. Do not be concerned; I will treat you like a queen. The day you ask me anything without hesitation will be the day I start to show you my love. Love you di kannama. My words for you today is,)

Ennavalae ennavalae engirunthai needhan
Kanavinilae kanavinilae kaaka vaithai needhan 

Uyiril pooparitha kaadhaliyum needhan 

Ullam thedum oru dhevathaiyum needhan

Iravil mithandhu varum mellisaiyum needhan
Ilamai nanaiyavarum poo mazhaiyum needhan

intha varigal unake unake thaan di kannamma, ippo ellam entha paatu ketalum un mugam thaan gnabagam varuthu, vitha vithama en vayasuke uriya asaigal ellam unoda sernthu anubavikura mathiri kanava varuthu. (This line is dedicated to you di kannama. These days, I associate your face with each music and have lustful dreams involving you.)

Verka vaithaai needhan needhan
Visirivittai needhan needhan

Thedi vanthaai needhan needhan
Theda vaithaai needhan needhan

mudhalla nee enna thedi vanthu en mela viluntha, ipo naan mothama unkita vilunthutu unna theditu iruken. (You came to me first and fell on me, and now I'm falling on you and looking for you.)

Puthayalai polae vandhu kidaithavalum needhan

Nee en puthayal thaan di, love you di kannama. (You are my treasure. Love you di kannama.)

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Unakaga samaikum pothu Enaku samayal mela thani piriyame varuthu di, unakaga paathu paathu samaichuruken. Unakaga neriah dish panna kathukitu iruken.  love you di kannama, unakaga en varigal,

(I started cooking for you because I enjoy it. I prepared a tasty meal for you with care. waiting to prepare more meals for you. Love you di kannama, my words for you.)

Mhmm vaazhkaiyae Vaazha thaanae
Vaa en kannae
Vaazhnthu thaan paarpoma
Vaanavil korppoma

Saaigaiyil thaangathevai
Oru thol thaanae
Thani maram naanadi
Thottamaai neeyadi

Vaalibathin ellaiyil
Vaasal vantha mullaiyae
Pogum varai pogalaam
Enna pizhiyae

Oorae nammai paarpathu polae
Yedho bimbam thondruthu maanae
Kaalgal tharaiyil kolam poda
Mella thoduthae kaadhalae

Ilamai thirumbudhae
Puiryaatha puthiraachae
Idhaya thudippilae
Pani kaathum soodachae

Hey thulli kuthikuthu nenjam
Thookam varavillai konjam
Maalai varum ena anjum
Meendum mudhal paruvam

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Kannama, nan propose panna ellam ready paniten di chellam. Neeye keta piragu naan vendam nu soliduvena? Unna mudhalla nan porantha idam en asaramathuku kootitu poga poren di, anga nee ellaraium paka pora. ellaraium ready ah iruka soliruken. apuram namma koviluku poga porom. unakaga nan pudavai eduthu vachiruken di, mudincha unna atha katta vachu kootitu ponum. apuram en room ku kootitu varuven, nane samachu unaku thara poren. appo unaku enna pathi ellame solla poren. aduthu unna park kootitu poga poren di, full ah pookalala decorate panna plan paniruken di. model ellam select pani advance koduthuten di, nee thevathai mathiri antha pookaluku naduvula oru alagiya poova nadanthu vara nalukaga waiting. adutha unkita en manadula ullatha solliduven. light ah bayama iruku di, ena othukidatha veruthudatha.. please di enna yethuko. kannama manasellam ore padapadappa iruku di. enaku entha varigalum ippo thonala. 

kannama, i love you di.. en manasellam nee than iruka.. en kanavellam nee than. en ethirkalame nee than. valakam pola enaku ithuku mela solla theriala di kannama, please neyae purinchukitu enna yethuko di.. un senior pavam di chella kutty.

(Kannama, I'm prepared to propose to you. Never will I refuse you. We will first visit the orphanage where I was born. I've already let everyone know. We'll stay there for a while. Afterwards we'll visit the temple. Even a saree was purchased for you. I'll try to get you to wear it. We'll then head to my room, where I'll make you lunch. We'll stay there for a while. After that, I intend to go to the park and arrange flowers there. I've already chosen the model and given the down payment. awaiting your angelic stroll through those blossoms. Please accept my affection, sweetheart. I am currently under stress. 

Kannama, I love you di.My heart is with you. My future is in you. You are my everything. As usual, I struggle to put my thoughts into words. Consider your senior with sympathy and accept, darling.)

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kannama, Manasuku romba pathatama iruku di. ipadi ellam eluthi anupatha, unaku onnum illa. apadiye ethuva irunthalum unna helathy ah nan mathidaren, kavala padatha.. Enna thideernu enna pudichurukunu soliruka? inum konja naal than nan un best friend ah irupen, apuram nan lover ah promote agiduven di en chella kutty. seekram vaa di kannama kathukitu iruken.

Love you di kannama, unakana en varigal,

(Kannama, I get an odd inward feeling. Don't write in this manner. You're good. If not, I'll restore your health. Why did you just profess your liking for me? I'm not any longer your best  friend. I will soon become your lover. Come soon, my love; I'm waiting. Love you di Kannama, my words for you is,)

Paal Mazhaikku Kaathirukum Bhoomi Illaiya
Oru Pandigaikku Kaathirukum Saami Illaiya 

Varthai Vara Kaathirukum Kavignan Illaiya 

Naan Kaathirunthaal Kaadhal Innum Neelum Illaiya

Kanneeril Thee Valarthu Kaathirukiren
Un Kaaladi Thadathil Naan Poothirukiren

Sogamana paata thonuthu illa, yen nu theriala di kannama, ithan thonuthu. en puthusa letter la bye nu potruntha?. epavum apadi elutha matiye. athunala thaan soga paatu thonuthu pola.  (Surely this tune is depressing? But I just thought of this now. Why did you end your letter with "bye"? You won't typically write that. I might be depressed as a result of that.)

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Enga di kannama pona, enachu di unaku. Romba mudiayalaya? yara kekurathune theirala di. enamo nee enna vittu romba thooram pona mathiri iruku. vanthiru di. Manasellam valikuthu, unaku etho thappa nadakura mathiri thonuthu di. padapadapave iruku di, Romba sogama barama manasa aluthuthu, enanu puriala.. Kannama, nee nala iruka thane? 

Ethunalum enkita vanthiru di, nan pathukaren.

(Where are you, my love? Do you have a sickness? I'm not sure who I should ask about you. You seem to have moved far away from me. Come to me. It hurts my heart. Now I feel odd. How are you, Kannama? 

Please, Whatever it happens, come to me. I'll look after di.)

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Kannama, enga di pona? unna pathi enananamo solranga, enaku ulagame ninathu pola iruku. nee pregnant ah irukiah? epadi di? enake purialaye unaku epadi purinchurukum. Aiyo etho thappa iruke, kannama enkita vaa di. Enna nadanthirunthalum nan pathukaren di, una kanama enaku moochu muttuthu di. Romba bayama iruku.. vanthidu di... please di. 

Idhayatha apadiye pudungi velila edukura mathiri valikithu di, ellarum unna thappa pesuratha paatha, unna romba kasta paduthirupanganu puriuthu. aiyo nee evlo thudichurupio... enaku unna pakanum di, enala mudiala di, enga di iruka?

(Kannama, Where are you right now? They're lying about you by telling false things. I have the impression that time has stood still. Having a baby? How is that even possible? even I couldn't comprehend how you'd understand. A problem exists. Please, di, come to me. Oh my goodness. Everything is in my hands, I promise. I can't breathe without you." I feel quite nervous.
It hurts as if my heart were being torn from my body. By spreading rumours about you, I can guarantee that everyone will only make matters worse for you. Oh my God, it sounds like you've through a lot. I have to see you. I can't stand it, Di, where are you?) 

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Sivaangi saw few tears in that page. She knew exactly how he was feeling. She experienced a sense of being alive at the time. She experienced a severe pain in her heart. His voice echoes every word she read.

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The pages that follow contain only tear strains and no words. Ashwin's attempt to write anything but failure to do so is understood. He found it difficult to write anything, thus the only thing on the paper were his tears.
She found a page that was written by him after turning a few more pages while feeling sorrowful. She began reading it,

Diary:

Sorry kannama, enala thaan unaku intha nilaimai nu thonuthu ma. Nan un valkaiya nasam paniten. un valkai la vanthu, una intha college la sera vachu un ethirkalatha nasamakiten. Sathyathukuthu kattupattu ippo nan en kadhalaye ilanthuten. Nan matum una nerla paathu palagiruntha, unoda matratha kandupudichurupen. Una suthi nadakkura thappa kandupudichurupen. 

Ipo than enaku unmai theirnchathu. annavum kuttyum pesuratha ketaen ma. 4 porukinga , unga hostel la night dinner la sapatula drug kalanthirukanga. waden sapatula thooka mathirai kalanthu koduthurukanga. ellarumae drug kalantha sapada thaan saptrukeenga ma. unga room than last ah irukura room. adhunala romba easy ah ulla nulanju ungala....... intha asingathuku watchman um avan wife um udanthai. sapatula drug kalanthathu avan wife. Pasanga ulla vara karanama irunthathu watchman.

Elarraium anna-vum kuttyum punish panitu irukanga ma. Ena than punish panna yarum illa. Nan unna protect panala. Una suthi thappa irukunukooda enaku theriala. nan ellam valave koodathu Sivaangi ma. Unaku koduka mudiatha anbum una pathukaga mudiatha intha udambum enaku ethuku ma? enaku sariyana thandanai maranam thaan. nan sethudaren.

Please Sivaangi ma, nee entha oru thappana mudium eduthuratha. enala inoru maranatha thangika mudiathu. Un pirivaye enala thanga mudiala. una tholachuten. en uyira tholachuten. Nee enga irunthalum nalla irukanum ma. Adutha jenmam nu onnu iruntha appavum unna kadhalikanum. athulayavathu unnaodu naan santhosama valanum.

Nan poren kannama, unaku payanpadatha intha uyiraium udalaium enna anathaiya padaicha antha kadavuluke koduka poren. 

Love you di Kannama, Bye.

(Sorry Kannama, Everything that occurred was due to me. I am the cause of it. You were coerced into enrolling in this college by me. I damaged your life. I damaged your prospects. I must have interacted with you and met you in person. If so, I can definitely see a difference in you and your surroundings. But I didn't show up in front of you to keep the promise. My sin is that. 

After hearing the dialogue between Vishnu anna and Kutty, I am the only one who is currently aware of the truth. Both the warden's food and your dinner have been contaminated with narcotics. The four boys are being helped in this by the watchman and his wife. Since your room was the final one, they entered it. Vishnu anna and Kutty are punishing everyone for this.

I failed to safeguard you. I hadn't seen anything strange happening around you previously. No one is punishing me. I am not qualified to lead this life. I'm going to pass away. What do I do with the love that is not given to you and the body that is unable to defend you? As a form of punishment, I'm going to kill myself.

Sivaangi ma, please Avoid making poor choices. I cannot stand it. Already, I've lost you. I can't handle being apart from you. You should have a happy life. I must adore you in my next birth, and at the very least, in that birth, we must coexist harmoniously. I have to go, sweetheart. I'm going to give my body and soul to the god who made me an orphan since they are useless to you.

Love you di Kannama, Bye.)

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Present: 

Sivaangi was firmly fixed on the lines she was reading. She had the feeling he was about to pass away. She closed her eyes and yelled his name with all her might. She then heard a knocking sound at the door. She put the diary down and hurriedly opened the door. She opened and saw Ashwin and everyone else gathered at the entrance. She pulled herself close to him and sobbed hysterically.

Sivaangi- "enna vittu poidatha vaathi. ena vitu poidatha. Please enna vitu poidatha. unaku onnum agalala. en uyire nee than, enna vitu poidatha", she continuously blabbered 
(Don't leave me, Prof. Dont leave me. Please don't leave me. Nothing happened to you right? You are my soul. Dont leave me.)

Ashwin- "inga paaru di. enaku onum illa. Naan nalla than iruken. engeyum pogala. Ena paaru ma. Sivaangi. (Look at me. nothing happened. I am fine. I am here only. Look at me Sivaangi)", He shouted at her and made every effort to get her to pay attention, but she just kept babbled.

Within minutes, she lost consciousness. Over her face, they sprayed water. She gradually regained consciousness. She gripped Ashwin's shirt tightly as her body continued to tremble.

Seetha- "ethavathu ketta kanavu vanthirukum pola. dress kooda mathala. Thoongita nu naikuren tired la" (May be a bad dream. She didn't changed her dress too. looks she slept due to tiredness)

Jai ram- "Chinnu, nee inaiku Rakshan room la paduthuko. ippo thirumbi unga room ku poga vendam" (Chinnu, today you sleep in Rakshan' s room. It is better)

Ashwin- "saringa sir (Okay sir)", He carried Sivaangi to Rahsan's chamber by gently lifting her.  Ashwin has no idea why she suddenly started crying. He asks himself, "Is it the result of a nightmare?" with great thought. Why now, if that's the case? He's bewildered.

As he entered Ashwin's room, Rakshan noticed a diary next to the bed. He took that and, upon reading the first page, realized that Sivaangi had begun to read the diary. The diary was kept under the pillow by him.

After some time, everyone—aside from Sivaangi and Ashwin—ate dinner and went to bed. 

Once everyone went to bed. Raju was summoned to his room by Rakshan slowly. For Sivaangi's benefit, Raju and Rakshan both began to read the diary after being shown it by Rakshan. They completed that diary all at once. They both shed tears and realized how Sivaangi was feeling.

In Rakshan' s room, Sivaangi is sobbing and embracing Ashwin firmly.

Ashwin- "ma, enaku onum illa ma. Nan unkooda than irupen. Nan una vitu engaium poga maten. Nan unna vitu poganum na athu nan setha (Nothing happened. I am with you. I won't leave. Only I will leave when I die)", before he finish Sivaangi kissed his lips harshly. 

Sivaangi- "solatha. epadium enna vitutu poga koodathu. Sethu poratha iruntha enaium savadichutu sethu poo. nee illama enala vala mudiathu. Enaku una kadhalika thariathu thaan, aana nee illama valavum theriathu vaathi. I love you. I love you so much. please ini nee...."
(Don't say that. in that case too use should not leave me. Kill me before you die. I can't live without you. I don't know to express my love still I don't know to live without you too. I love you. I love you so much. hereafter you...)

He began to kiss her passionately. They shared an intense kiss. He was still perplexed by her heated tears, but when her bosom touched his chest, he completely forgot about it and gave her a tight hug. He kissed her cleavage and they hugged each other as if they were soulmates  despite the fact that they were not infatuated. He was made to lie on one of her bosoms as she stroked his hair. All of these were done out of love. They soon fell asleep peacefully in each other's arms.

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How is it?

I made an effort to convey Ashwin's love. Please accept my apologies if there are any errors because I am not good at handling love journals.

Suggestions are welcomed. Please let me know if it is boring. 

Please do vote and comment.

Parvathi Suresh Sharma.