Angel Ramirez stood at the viewing window, feet at shoulder width hands clasped behind his back. How many times had he seen Adam in this same posture? How many times had he noted the brooding expression on his friend's face and not understood the gravity behind the expression?

Tens?

Hundreds?

And now here he was I the same posture, on the same ship, in the same frame of mind. He thought back to a thousand reassurances, multiple breakdowns, and several instances where he had fought to stop his friend from quitting.

He thought he had understood back then.

He had been wrong.

But now he understood; he understood the loneliness and pain and worry and stress that he had not understood when his friend was going through the same thing. There was so much to do, so much to juggle, a thousand questions to answer. Everyone relied on him, waited for his orders. When he took care of the big things the small things slipped through the cracks until they turned into big things.

Angel slumped forward, leaning his head against the viewscreen and sighed.

He hadn't done this nearly as long as Adam, but there was one thing he did envy.

Adam had had friends to support and back him through the whole thing, but now with the universe changing as it was, not many people had time to help a struggling man try to keep his head above water. Sunny was busy back on Arcadia trying to run a whole ass planet, not to mention that Angel was one of the only people privy to the knowledge that she was pregnant, but keeping it on the DL just in case things didn't turn out, a fact he was still trying to wrap his head around.

And then there was Krill, who had taken his position as head surgical attending on Arcadia, and with a population influx he was swamped at all hours. Not to mention the grubs were almost completely grown now, though, as it turned out Vrul who were not brainwashed at birth tend towards self-destructive curiosity, so even when Krill wasn't being a surgeon, he had his hands full. Conn was busy with his new intelligence agency, Narobi had been busy from the start, and kanan and Ramirez, while friendly had never been super close.

It was the soft whine at his side that made him look down, and he smiled as big brown eyes glittered at him from the darkness.

Waffles looked up at him with the same attentive glance she might have used on Adam. He reached down to stroke her velvety fur, "Thanks girl, I miss him too."

Her tail beat against the ship deck. In her mouth she carried a faded white captain's cap. She carried it with her everywhere, and for the first few months she had been sad and agitated, waiting for Adam to come home. Sunny had been having a hard time taking care of her, or keeping her happy back on Arcadia, so Ramirez, knowing that Waffles was a working dog, had offered to take her along.

It had been good for both of them

Waffles got to do some of her old work in a familiar environment, and Ramirez got the benefit of owning a service dog without having the drawback of being traumatized or otherwise.

"So very serious."

He turned on his heel towards the door, feeling a large smile break out across his face as his Abuela entered. The woman's long grey hair was pulled back tight from her face, which was as shrewd and proud as he remembered. When she walked she did so with only mild difficulty, by way of her bad knees.

She stopped next to him and looked out through the viewscreen, "Never thought I would see space. Thought I would die with my feet firmly planet on Earth soil." She looked almost sad when she said the words, but it was only a passing moment.

"Well, you might have, but mom tells me you just had to cause trouble."

She cackled, "Where do you think you got it from boy, surely not your mother or father. Clara and Carlos are the two most rule abiding people I know, Pillars of the community." She snorted again , "If I was a pillar of the community the community would collapse."

He gave a smile in response, but it was weak and fleeting.

She saw threw him like no one else could pausing and her dark eyes going soft in the dim starlight, "You took on a lot of responsibility without having anyone to back you..... miss your friends?"

He turned and sat in one of the nearby chairs on the viewing deck, leaning his elbows against his knees, "Yeah.... I do. I think I didn't quite understand what was needed to do what Adam did, and now that I am in his position.... Well I get why he did all the things he did, why he acted the way he did."

Se sat next to him and rested a hand on his shoulder.

Her palm was warm and comforting against him.

Waffles sat at his feet resting her head in his lap.

"I don't know if I am going to last. I'm not.... Well I'm not like him."

She tilted her head curiously, "What do you mean?"

"He shrugged, I.... its no big deal I... Don't want to sit here and just mope about me, you're back and somehow mom seems to think that you hacked for the government, which I am having a really hard time believing-'

"Angel-"

He stopped talking.

"I asked you, not out of politeness, but because I actually want to know."

His shoulder slumped, "I guess..... on the surface Adam might have seemed like the care free fun loving type, but I think at his core, really he was more driven and ambitious than most people think. He has always wanted to be the best, not in a conceited way, but in that he always wanted to do his best to be the best version of whatever thing he was put up to. He cared about all the little things, and you wouldn't believe it but the man is a closet control freak. Its was actually very hard to get him to relax in almost any context despite what he would have you believe....." he paused trying to find the words that were slipping away from him with every moment.

"Me on the other hand.... Well, I am just. I'm not like him, I- I don't think about the little things. I don't want to control everything. I was happy where I was in second command. I had just enough power without the burden of responsibility. I could support my friend but never have to make decisions. People didn't die if I made a bad call because I was just following orders it..... I struggle so hard to care about certain things I know Adam would be on top of. I miss the days where he did all the work and I sort of just screwed off. I'm not cut out for this."

He felt like he was rambling, but the entire time she gently rubbed his shoulder and listened without comment. When he finally trailed off he could almost hear her thinking, sitting at his side and trying to come up with a proper response.

"No one is every ready for power, no one is cut out for it no matter what anyone says. To be a perfect leader you would have to be a perfect man, and there are no perfect men. But at the same time the fact that you don't want to lead is the exact reason that you should. Plenty of men grow power hungry after being exposed to power for too long." She patted his arm, "And that's not entirely right, you've always done your best."

"Only in the things that I wanted to be best in, difference between us is. He wanted to be best at anything that would forward the cause, but I have trouble caring about a lot of this stuff. I want to be best at the things that are interesting, not the things that are necessary."

"Ok."

"How do I fix that?"

"You don't fix something like that Angel, that is soemthing that you get past. We all have our flaws don't we. Your friend Adam, as I remember you telling me, struggled with feelings of inadequacy. His own self doubt lead him into more trouble than most people's pride might have led them into, and overtime he figured it out."

"I suppose."

"This is your test, you never wanted to be a leader, you never craved power, but suddenly you find ourself with all the power and responsibility in the universe, and somehow you are going to have to find a way to take the reins and do what needs to be done regardless of how you feel. That is the struggle of life, often we are put into situations where the universe asks us to do something that we wouldn't normally do, usually that thing that we are most bad at."

"Funny how that works."

The room went quiet again, and Angel looked down at his hands, gently dropping his head and messaging his temples with his thumbs, trying to reorient himself.

After a few long minutes sitting In that silence, his Abuela spoke up again, "But that isn't it, is it."

It was like she was reading his mind.

"It's really creepy how you do that, are you sure you can't also hack my brain?"

She smiled, "Angel, anyone could be a mind reader if they just looked at your face, you hide nothing. If there was ever a man who could be described as wearing his heart on his sleeve, that man is you. So, tell me what else is on your mind."

He shrugged, "I.... Miss Maverick. Without her a lot of my old stupid activities just.... well they just aren't fun anymore."

"maverick, the little blond one with an aversion to spicy food?"

He launched, "Yeah, she's a bit of a wuss about spices, says she can't taste the food if her mouth is burning."

"The burning is the taste."

"That's what I told her, but she argued that pain isn't a taste." The smile that had formed on his face just moments before faltered and then died.

She watched him with an even expression, her eyes running over his facial expressions, "She's cute....." She offered causally, "Hits all of your boxes, fun, aggressive, muscular, athletic just the right mix of masculine and feminine?"

"Are you trying to imply something?"

"Not trying to imply anything, I thought my insinuation was every clear."

He snorted, but fell silent.

"So that's a yes?"

He rubbed the back of his head again, "No... I mean.... Maybe.... I I don't know."

"I'm listening."

Ramirez felt his face go warm as blood rushed towards his head. What was wrong with him? Angel did not blush, it just didn't happen. He didn't have the kind of shame needed to be able to blush. Adam could blush because the guy was a raging prude, but not Ramirez, he could talk about anything and everything and he had done almost anything and everything, but somehow, somehow this subject was hard to talk about.

It was a strange sensation that he had never experienced before.

"I.... don't know, ok. I thought we were just really good friends, and now that she's gone maybe I am just over analyzing things. Remembering things that weren't there, besides we are... we are just way too different. I mean we are totally fine to be friends and all, great friends but. It would never work."

"Oh?"

"Well I... I am not sure if she is even capable of feeling... you know.... I have never seen her date anyone, she never goes out. I have never seen her initiate physical contact with anyone or vise versa, and you know me..... perhaps you don't want to know but everyone knows I am a physical guy. Not to mention that I like the idea of a big family, and she's made it clear on more than one occasion that that is not her thing, which I get."

His Abuela laughed, "You never know until you try, besides.... I think you like the idea of a big family but.... And I say this with all the love in my heart Angel..... I don't think a big family is your thing."

He blinked at her a bit confused.

She rested a hand on his shoulder, "You are my favorite beautiful and absolutely self centered boy."

He was about to argue but paused, to let her continue.

"Ever since you were little you have never questioned yourself, because you always did what you wanted to do. Never had self esteem issues because of it, but boy, that's not soemthing you can hold onto with kids. Weather you like it or not you lose your identity to the years you put into a child, especially a big family and you..... that's just not you."

The comment probably should have hurt.

Basically his grandmother was telling him he should never procreate, but, the more he thought about it, the more he could see her point. He could never imagine himself settling down, never imagine a life in a cozy neighborhood. And trying to imagine Maverick like that was even less likely. He couldn't be a nine to five dad, and he had never been attracted to anyone who was like that either. Ramirez had a thing for type A badasses who could kick his ass, prone to aggression, violence, and sharp tongues.

The kind of people who were great to have in certain settings but wouldn't do well in domestic life. It was basically the reason that any crush he might have had on Adam was fleeting and purely physical, the guy was way too much of a marshmallow.

But maverick

She could crush him with her boot and not bat an eye.

He felt the heat rising into his face again and groaned resting his head in his hands, "Just... haven't been feeling like myself lately, besides, I don't even know if they are alive. They could be dead, or they could not show up for another decade, maybe two. Hell by the time they get out I might be dead, and then, I will never have gotten time to figure it out.

She pulled him closer and he leaned down to rest his head on her shoulder.

"Don't give up hope just yet, "

Waffles whined again, and he absently stroked her ears, almost as if she was protesting against his statement as well.

Everyone seemed to believe they were coming back.

But deep down.

Ramirez wasn't so sure.