Its time for "Fun facts about humans!"

Now let me translate that to you directly. Because, when I say, fun facts about humans, I actually mean, THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF

You see, I title this essay a little more benign, I might be able to circulate this information to a wider audience, therefore warning as many people as I can about the dangers of being anywhere near a human, or being friends with a human. Prepare yourselves for years, and years, and years of anxiety ridden rage as you simultaneously fear for their safety, and fear for the safety of others. Watch humans do stupid things for any reason relating to altruism all the way down to pure curiosity.

There is no in between with them, one moment I am worried about what they are going to do to me, and the next moment, I am worried about what they are going to do to themselves.

Fun fact number one: Humans are stupid.

And I don't mean the kind of stupid which is like, animal kind of stupid, where their brains just aren't big enough to process information and function like your brain or mine: I mean the kind of stupid where they are perfectly capable of being smart highly evolved beings, but CHOOSE to do stupid things, or have stupid feelings. Here are a list of the stupid things humans do.

1. Playing with fire! As if this couldn't get bad enough! PLAYING _ WITH_ FIRE. Can you think of a worse word to be used with the word playing! Might as well say, playing with Uranium, or playing with acid, or playing with highly volatile predatory animals – oh WIAIT- humans do that too. But back onto my main point, humans love playing with fire. They LOVE it, the most dangerous substance known to common humans and they love nothing more that to just light everything on fire. They cook their food with it, they lite blocks of wax to let off aromas. They light burning sticks and INHALE THE SMOKE. Or they just simply light a match and try to put it out with their fingers. Yes they just TOUCH fire. They WALK on the fire. How does this NOT sound crazy to you, and they expect ME to take care of a SHIP full of an entire species of LUNATIC PYROMANIACS! Not as if this couldn't literally be WORSE when they light explosives on FIRE. Humans love lighting things on fire SOOOOOO much, that most of their major holidays are primarily concerned with seeing who can blow up the most things. They love this so much that they figured out ways to add pretty colors to the things they were blowing up just in hopes that it would look more aesthetically pleasing.

I HATE HUMANS. LUNATICS. PSYCHOTIC LUNATICS.

....

I have been visiting another medical practitioner who has determined that my circulatory fluid pressure is through the rough. It's like the equivalent to my blood pressure. He says that I need to find ways to relax and calm down.

Guess Ill be calm when I am dead.

2. Fun fact number two: Humans can just straight up die for no reason. Not even kidding. The most dangerous species in the galaxy and they can be thwarted by a piece of corn going down the wrong tube. Of course, when I say no reason, I actually mean DUMB reasons. Do you understand the things I have to protect humans from. CHOKING being one of them. Did you know that the human ability to speak evolved when their voice box and trachea migrated to a lower part of their throat? This also means that the ability to speak made them more prone to just simply CHOKING TO DEATH WHILE EATING. FOOD can kill them.... The STUFF THEY NEED TO LIVE.

Whatever GENIOUS designed the human body, though it would be a GREAT idea to simply have the breathing hole and the food hole be the same thing, but if their stupid FOOD HOLE gets clogged by, guess what, FOOD than they can no longer BREATHE and they DIE. Not to mention the HUNDREDS of times I have seen a human accidentally ENHALE water when drinking which you think would be a HORRIBLE IDEA, but they do it anyway. Yeah sure just let me breathe in a nice big gulp of air while I am drinking some water, that sounds like a great idea.

Or they can just have an aneurysm and drop dead without notice. Or how about all the fun times their own bodies immune system starts attacking itself? Totally love when that happens. Or when heir organs get inflamed and rupture. Or a thousand other things that could go wrong because the human body is a disaster.

Speaking of which.

3. Fun fact number three. THE HUMAN BODY IS A MECHANICAL DISASTER. Did you know these bastards were originally evolved to live in trees, but NO at some point they were just like, fuck it, I want to be good at long distance running, so their feet hands had to evolve into feet feet, for running. You would be surprised how stupid it is to evolve a hand into a foot, and then make it good at running. The human foot has about a million and one bones, all strung together by a stupid amount of tendons, to make it even slightly realistic that humans should be able to run at all. The result is a foot that CAN tun but probably SHOULDN'T because it is an engineering disaster waiting to happen. Ask any human you know the horrible things that can go wrong. Rupture tendons, shin splints, flat feet, collapsed arches, rolled twisted or broken ankles, and so much MORE. Not to mention the human KNEE which is just an excuse to make humans suffer more as it is simply waiting for the right moment to fail. Bet you know at least one person who has chronic knee problems IN THEIR TWENTIES.

And don't get me STARTED on the pelvis. You wanted to walk upright, well FINE, HERE HAVE A PELVIS SO SMALL THAT YOU MIGHT JUST FUCKING DIE WHEN GIVING BIRTH. Did you know in most animal species giving birth isn't half as painful as it is for humans? Because they aren't trying to SHOVE A GRAPEFRUIT through a hole the size of an ONLY SLIGHTLY LARGER GRAPEFRUIT. Its quite common for pregnant women to just crack their pelvises open like an egg because that sounds great doesn't it?

I'm not even over the belt yet.

Now we reach the spine! The Spine which is the most FUCKED part of the human body. Humans were supposed to be walking around happily on four legs but NO. ThaT wASnT GoOD EnOuGH. They just HAD to walk upright, and in order to do that they developed a shallow S curve I their spine which causes – guess what—Lower back pain!. Is anyone surprised. Be a human long enough, and inevitably your spine will just QUIT because your life is bullshit. The major cause of back problems in humans? SIMPLY BEING HUMAN.

Or how about if they roll their neck to aggressively they can SEVER THEIR SPINAL COLUMN.

Or how about that time that humans have protruding bone spurs INSIDE THEIR SKULL, WHICH CAN SCRAPE THE BRAIN DURING WIPLASH MOTIONS. I am just SAYING this is GARBAGE design.

I will give kudos to the human hand though, which is very dexterous and pretty good at what it is designed to do.

4. Fun fact number four. These are actually behaviors in humans that its not so bad worry about.

a. Humans can smell the scents giving off by fresh rain in one part per trillionth. Humans love the smell of rain, so don't be surprised if your human has a sudden and overwhelming desire to eat dirt or lick the pavement when it starts to rain. This is completely natural and most of them won't do it. and even if they do eating dirt is literally one of the least bad things your human could be doing. Just ask them, a good portion of them probably ate dirt as a child. It's good for the immune system.

b. Ever what a human rocking back and forth, hugging themselves, rubbing their arms, or even bouncing their legs. Well this is completely normal, it is enhanced in humans with certain conditions, but even your average human participates to some degree. These are self-soothing techniques that your human will do for comfort, so it is common when they are nervous or simply when they are bored. Don't worry about your human if they are simply rocking back and forth or rubbing their legs. Humans do not need a reason to do this. Of course, there are exceptions where humans will do this when upset, but there are other signs to indicate that. Most of the time this just means your human likes rocking themselves or hugging themselves, this is not an issue.

c. Most humans have some sort of perpetual destructive habit that they behave in, generally something small like biting their nails, chewing the inside of their cheek, or picking at the skin of the fingers or lips. This isn't necessarily an issue, though it can cause scarring and inflammation. There are certain cases where this can get better or worse depending on the human, but most of the time you can ignore this, though I am LOTHE to say it. Let yr human have at least one MINOR destructive habit, though I would much prefer them just rocking themselves a bit like mentioned earlier.

5. Oh and here's another fun fact! Humans are literally ALWAYS in pain. You heard me correctly. Humans are always in pain. Either digestion or sitting in one position to long or simply just BEING HUMAN. They are always in pain but their body pretends that it's not by sending them happy chemicals more powerful than morphine..... HUMANS HAVE TO NATURALLY DRUG THEMSELVES TO EVEN STAND LIVING.

I HATE THIS SPECIES

I HATE THIS PLANET

.....

*Sigh.*

And for all of you suggesting I should just leave can shove it up your ass.

They are my humans, and I am not-going-anywhere.