Chapter Ten

Nightmares.

One after another.

I was laying in the dark somewhere. The room was cold. I could hear wind howling outside. But fuck, it was so cold. Goosebumps prickled my skin, my body trembled constantly. I was tied down, I couldn't move my arms, I couldn't wrap them around myself. I was freezing. I wanted to find a blanket, something, anything, but I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. Something was covering my mouth and my eyes.

I heard a door open and close. A heavy door, wood probably, the sound of it scraping on the stone floor before it clattered shut. I heard footsteps moving across the floor, getting closer and closer. The sound of a high heel. The sound of it clicking.

Click click click.

Fuck, it reminded me of my mom. An old fear rose up in my chest and I felt the trembling get worse. I couldn't see, I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I couldn't defend myself. And somehow, the strength was drained out of me. I couldn't even try to get up and get away.

Click click click.

My heart hammered against my breastbone. I felt like my chest was going to explode. My lungs could barely keep up with my rapid breathing.

Click click click.

The heels stopped in front of me somewhere. Right in front of me. I could feel someone standing there. I could feel them watching me. I should've been able to feel the heat of them, but all I felt was more cold. More bitter icy coldness reaching out to me, burning my skin. I swallowed compulsively, feeling cold sweat drip down the sides of my face as I listened to the silence.

I felt a shift in the air, the person in front of me moving, a soft fabric billowing out and brushing my face. I felt long slender fingers with smooth perfect nails against my temples, slipping under the blindfold that was on my face. The blindfold slid off and my eyes darted up.

A scream tore up my throat and I came shooting up in bed, my scream echoing in the room around me. Cold sweat made my sheets stick to my skin, my heart hammering hard in my chest. I panted for breath as I heard pounding footsteps outside my room a second before the door flew open and Rowan came in with Aasimah and Malachi, my current babysitter for the night.

"What's going on?" Malachi demanded.

"Shit," Rowan cursed when he saw me, moving quickly across the room, "Aasimah, grab some cold packs from the kitchen. Malachi, grab a bowl from the bathroom." No one questioned it. I couldn't find it in me to say something snarky. I barely had time to even realize what was going on when my food from the night before came gurgling up my throat and I bent over the side of the bed. Malachi barely made it with the bowl to catch what came pouring out of my mouth as I choked and gagged.

"Jesus Christ," Malachi managed, reaching up with a hand to brush the hair back from my face, "He's got a fever. His face is red."

"I'm calling Hades," Rowan declared, "He's going through withdrawal. Keep him there while I make the call." Malachi looked bewildered by that, but didn't argue as Rowan left the room. Malachi turned back to me, touching my back as another wave of nausea rose up my throat and I filled the bowl, moaning low in my throat as I clutched at the sheets. Trembling wracked my body, making my teeth chatter. I couldn't tell if I was freezing or sweating to death. I just knew I was wet, shaking, and I wanted to lay down, but another wave of nausea prevented me from doing so. I emptied the rest of the contents of my stomach into the bowl as it overflowed, then collapsed on the bed.

Malachi ignored the mess on the floor and sat on the bed with me, yanking up the sheets as Aasimah came in with the cold packs.

"How is he having withdrawal?" Malachi asked as Aasimah laid a cold pack on my head and I moaned in relief, reaching up to numbly pat at it.

"It's not my place to say," Aasimah asked, and when Malachi looked at her, surprised by the response from a servant, she pinned him with a stern stare, "Theo is my lord and master, according to Hades. I answer only to him, and Hades. And I have strict instructions to tend to him and nothing more."

"I'm his brother."

"And it's his story to tell, not mine. I apologize, Lord Malachi, but that is the way it is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fetch him another bowl... Mayhap a bucket this time," she added as she wrinkled her nose at the mess on the floor. Malachi just nodded and looked back at me. My teeth still clattered together, but the trembling in the rest of my body subsided. I pulled the blankets up to my chin, closing my eyes as a wave of aches and pains went through me.

"Theo, what's going on?" Malachi asked me softly.

"Sick, asshole," I responded tremulously. Malachi rolled his eyes and leaned over me.

"Theo, for once, please, be serious. This is freaking me out. I'm not used to seeing you like this."

"Like what?"

"Just... Like this. The last time I saw you like this was when we were kidnapped by the Titans and," Malachi stopped abruptly, put a hand over his mouth, like just remembering it made him sick to his stomach and he took a deep breath, then looked at me, "Look. We don't get along often, Thee. You drive me fucking insane with your stupid childish games, the way you look at Adrian sometimes, and don't get me started on that fucking mouth of yours."

"Like father... like bastard," I croaked, giving him a weak smile. Malachi ground his teeth together.

"But you're still my brother, Theo. If anything were to happen to you..."

"You'd what? Take my city?"

"Theo, I'm serious."

"I know," I murmured, then closed my eyes and sucked in a deep, shuddering breath as another wave of nausea and pain hit me just as Aasimah arrived with a bucket. As soon as she set it on the floor, I rolled over and dry heaved before I slumped back on the bed, this time on my stomach. Malachi picked the cold pack and placed it on the back of my neck, brushing my hair aside. I moaned at the coldness of it, then paused in confusion when I felt a heavy hand fall on my back, rubbing gently.

"You gotta buy me dinner first if you wanna fuck me," I mumbled.

"Shut the fuck up, Theo," Malachi snapped. I smirked, then let my eyes slide shut as I heard Rowan enter the room again.

"Hades is on his way. We need to clean this mess up. Malachi, stay with him and keep up what you're doing. Aasimah, come with me," he said. His voice sounded far away. It felt like I was slipping into a thick fluffy cloud. I felt so incredibly heavy. Malachi's hand on my back so good, like a massage, and I could hear his voice talking to me faintly.

"Hey, Mal?" I murmured. My voice definitely sounded slurred.

"Theo?"

"Is this what it feels like?"

"What what feels like?"

"Nice... touch..." My voice faded away along with my consciousness. I slipped into another round of nightmares. Rotting corpses climbing out of the ground, the sound of heels clicking in the darkness, monsters with red eyes and claws emerging from the darkness for my throat. I felt a combination of searing heat and piercing cold, incredible pain in my joints and limbs, to a tingling numbness in my hands and feet, like I'd banged my funny bone, but all over my body.

It had to be several hours later when I woke up again. This time I was laying in a tub of ice water. My teeth clattered together and I coughed weakly, blinking rapidly at the coldness of it. My first reaction was to get out, but I couldn't find the strength in my limbs. I felt my head loll back and I found myself looking up at Hades through the haze in my vision. So blurry and so far away.

I blinked a few times, trying to clear my vision of him.

Somehow, I was reminded of the first day I met him.

My mother had been keeping me in the mortal realm with her and my wet nurse. When I lived to be four, my mother decided that it was time to take me to the Underworld to show me off to Hades. I hadn't wanted to go. I was terrified of meeting the famed Hades. It wasn't like people trash talked him; if anything, the mortals paid their respects to him highly, building lavish temples. My mother would take me to them every day and force me to sit on my knees and pay homage with what little food I was alloted. The offerings were burned, the scent of burning food and hair rising into the air, carrying through the temple.

My mother took me by the hand, her hand squeezing hard as a warning not to draw attention to us, but it was pretty hard not to. The mortals didn't like us. Our red hair was a dead giveaway to our inhumanity. The red wasn't the kind of red the Northerners had, nor even the few Greeks that somehow ended up with red hair. And even those shades weren't accepted in Greek society. Red hair was a symbol of danger. It meant you were a demon, because it was so rare in the ancient Greek world. So whenever we walked by, people stared at us, made gestures to ward away evil spirits, and scurried away to the nearest temple to pray for their souls.

Mom managed to find a good place to teleport us from the mortal realm to the Underworld. The moment I saw that massive castle built into the side of the mountain range, the dark overcast above, saw the black skeletons standing guard, I knew I was going to be killed.

Hades wasn't going to want me. I was puny. Everyone always commented on how small I was. Hades was known especially for his height, towering toward the sky, the rumors said. And my mother was also no tiny female. She walked high above me, her chin thrust out, her red eyes cast ahead of her, her stride quick and sharp and it was so hard to keep up, especially with here yanking at my arm the whole way.

Before entering the great throne room, my mother knelt down in front of me, grabbed me by the jaw, and forced me to meet her eyes as I blinked back tears of pain from having her hand locked on my arm.

"You listen to me, child," she sneered, "And you listen to me well. If you should open your mouth, should you speak to Hades of anything poorly, I will kill you, do you understand me? You are nothing, but an offering to him. And I will happily make another one. You are expendable, do you hear me? So if you don't want to end up with your head beneath my foot, you will hold your tongue and you will not speak unless spoken to you and you will speak clearly and you will speak carefully. I will not have you destroy all my hard work, waste all those hours of labor, nearly dying because you can't even fucking be born correctly. Nod if you understand me." I nodded timidly and she narrowed her eyes.

She studied me for the longest time, then reached out and sank her hand into my hair. She twisted her fingers up and I started to cry out, then quickly clamped my lips shut and muffled the sound.

"Without me, you are nothing. You would be dead. You are grateful for me. I could have simply thrown you off a cliff like any other baby, do you understand me? I let you live. That is my gift to you. And believe me, I will take it away if you ruin my life. Say, yes, mother."

"Yes, mother," I managed. She released my hair, then patted my head and rose to her feet. She took my hand, squeezed it so hard that my knees shook, but I held firm as she loosened her grip and opened the doors, entering the grand throne room. It was empty at first. I was too stupid to realize Hades was already in there, watching and waiting. We came all the way up to the dais upon which sat the massive sleek black throne of Hades himself. I stared at the thing, horrified by the sight of it.

Hades was definitely a giant. He had to be. The throne was made for a giant.

There was a shift in the air, and I turned my head as black smoke swirled the air and from the fading wisps, Hades himself was revealed. And I had been right. He was gigantic. He towered so high, higher than my mother. His expression was a hard scowl, glowing blue eyes narrowed, his long inky black hair falling in streams over his shoulders and back. He wore sleek black armor with gold ancient designs running the scape, which was designed to follow the curves of his muscular body.

I wanted to cry the moment I saw him.

He was going to kill me.

Fuck, he was going to pick me up and rip my head off.

"My lord," Mom murmured in reverence, a voice I'd never heard her use before, so I just stared at her before she shot me a look that dared me to defy her. I sank down to the floor with her before we rose up again. There was a moment of awkward silence.

"I asked that you not return to this place," Hades spoke. His voice was deep, bitter, and cold. Instead of shrieking at him, like she would have to anyone else, she inclined her head respectfully.

"I would not have come, had I not dire news, my lord. For you see, that night we spent together, I discovered I was with child. This child, my lord. Four years ago, I bore him and kept him safe all these years until this day." There was another awkward pause, but my mother wasn't having it.

Nope, I felt her knee grind into my back and I found myself stumbling forward, so now I really had to crank my head back to stare up at Hades, who blinked and looked down at me with mild surprise on his face. Hades lifted his eyes to my mother, and I felt the fear from her coming in waves and I heard her take a step back, and my voice caught in my throat. Some stupid part of me wanted to cry out for my mother, but she wasn't going to help me.

She never did.

I felt a moment of... amazement. Nothing scared my mother. She was the ultimate power in my world. She got what she wanted, when she wanted it, no matter how she had to get it. She backed away from no one, except Hades. Her fear was rancid in the air, and even as a child, I could smell it.

And I found myself... enthralled. Hades scared my mother. He was so powerful he scared my mother away.

Hades knelt down in front of me, snapping me back from my daze and making me realize that just because he scared my mother didn't mean he was going to side with me. He reached out, fingered my red hair, like he was testing it, and then he reached his hand toward my face and I held my breath, waiting for him to slap me. But he didn't. He cupped my cheek instead.

My breath left me in a silent gasp. His palm simply laid against the side of my face, so big and warm and gentle. And my surprise grew when he released my face, slid his hands under my arms, and hoisted me high in the air. I looked around, bewildered at the height. It was like having a building pick me up. I waited for him to just hold me out from himself, like he couldn't stand the idea of touching me more than this, but imagine my surprise when he tucked me in against his chest, one huge arm going underneath of me to make sure I had support, his other hand resting on my head to cradle it to my shoulder.

I remembered wanting to cry. I wasn't sure why, just that I wanted to. I wanted to cry because I'd never felt anything like it before. To be held so gently, so carefully, like I was a fragile vase he wanted to take care of.

I settled myself against him, held him close, closing my eyes as he started to stroke my hair. The sensation of being safe, of being loved, it felt so surreal. For once, I felt like I could fall asleep and still be okay when I woke up in the morning. He was speaking, but I didn't know what he was saying. I was only focused on the deep rumbling sound of his voice in his chest, the sound of his heart beating hard and fast, like he truly was happy.

And all too soon, he lowered me back to the ground. His hand was slipping away from mine, and fear cut through me as I clung to his hand, staring up at him desperately.

Please. Please, don't make me go back. Please hold me. Please.

Too bad he didn't have the power to read minds back in those days. Then again, he was exempt from reading the minds of those closest to him now, so I guess it wouldn't matter.

In the end, my mother dragged me away. Hades put us up in a nice crib in Styx, overlooking the city. He'd given me a huge lavish room with gold and jewels and the finest fabrics... and I wasn't allowed in there. My mother stuck me in a smaller room across the mansion near the servant's quarters. She took the room I was meant to have. When my brothers or Hades visited, she'd tell everyone that I was still too young to sleep alone, so she slept with me, and that was how she explained why all her shit was in my fucking room.

That was the first time I ever saw Hades. And the last time he ever held me.

After that, my mother refused to leave us alone together. She didn't trust me. She didn't trust Hades either, but she couldn't very well say that, even if it was just to me. She just said I was too young this, too young that, a total mama's boy, she said. And while she forced me to sit in her lap when Hades was over, her hand against my back, like she was silently warning me that if I disobeyed her, she'd rip my spine out and beat me with it.

And all the while, I'd stare at Hades, wishing he'd just snatch me up and take me away.

Eventually, he stopped visiting. When I turned sixteen, the visits only came once in a blue moon. I never went to him, like I told Joxeia. I wasn't going to get in his way. I wasn't going to cause him more problems. He shouldn't have to deal with me on top of everything else in his life. And when he found out about the cutting, and I still had no idea how he found out, he didn't talk to me about it. He didn't push me into a conversation, didn't call me crazy or sick. He asked if I was going to stop and I told him I couldn't, and he nodded like he totally understood.

Yeah. Hades was... different.

I woke up again sometime later, feeling like absolute shit and bundled up in blankets on the bed. Two heating blankets, a heavy duvet, a sheet, and someone had gotten me a new pillow. And sleeping all around me were Aria and her kittens. Fuck, I felt like a burrito all wrapped up like this, but for once, I was warm. I was so goddamn warm and it felt amazing, especially when my body felt all achy and weak.

I tilted my head to the side a little, surprised to see that Hades was in the room. He'd pulled the leather chair across the room up to my bed and he was asleep with his face resting against his knuckles, his elbow on the arm of the chair. His long black hair was loosely braided over his shoulder, and he was wearing a loose gray thermal shirt and sweatpants. I turned my head to see that also in the room was Malachi, Rowan, and Abel. Malachi was overflowing in one of the small folding chairs from the back rooms, way too big for the tiny thing. Rowan was sleeping with his back against the bedroom door and Abel was snuggled up with a blanket in another armchair, his navy hair poking out from the top of the blanket.

I licked my dry lips, looking up at the glass of water sitting on the nightstand near Hades. I wiggled in the mess of blankets, freeing my hand and reaching out to try and grab it, but my fingers slipped down the side of the glass. I ground my teeth together and tried again, only this time, someone else's hand reached out and picked the glass of the stand.

I looked to see Hades holding the glass, scooting forward to get closer to the bed.

"I got it," I croaked. Or at least, I think I said something along those lines. Hades ignored me and slipped his hand under my head, lifting me a bit so he could draw the glass to my lips. I reached up to take it from him, but he just used his pinkie to flick my hand aside, so I gave up and let him feed me the water, which I downed in several gulps.

As he took the glass away, I sighed in relief, licking my lips again and staring up at the ceiling sleepily.

"How long you been there?" I murmured, my voice clearer now.

"Long enough," Hades answered, and I rolled my eyes, "Open your mouth for me." I scowled, turning my head to look at him, but he caught my jaw anyway and forced my mouth open so he could put a plastic stick on my tongue with a little glowing end so he could see down my throat.

"The vomiting's fucked up your throat for a bit," he muttered, going all professional doctor on me as he moved on with his check up, "Your fever's gone down. Pulse is still a bit weak, but it's steadier than it was. How are you feeling physically?" He sat back and looked at me seriously. I wanted to make a joke about feeling like absolute shit, but something told me now wasn't the type to fuck with Hades.

"Everything kinda hurts," I muttered, "And not the good kind of hurt either. I need to piss. Kinda feel sick to my stomach still."

"Alright," Hades said, then pushed the blankets back, "Let's get you to the bathroom." I scowled, then bit back a noise of surprise when Hades wedged his arms underneath of me and hoisted me up into the air. I instinctively grabbed onto him around the neck, holding on tight as he carried me into the bathroom and set me down in front of the toilet where he had to steady me before I could finally empty my bladder with a long sigh of relief.

"Fuck, that feels great," I moaned and Hades shook his head at me, "Hey, I'm starving. Can we eat?" Hades gave pause at that, then nodded and went to have one of the guys get something. The split second he was gone, I finished taking a piss and went right to the countertop, yanking open the drawer, only to remember all my razors were gone. A surge of nausea ripped through me as I gripped the knob in my fist a second before I yanked it out angrily, throwing it across the room so it went sailing into the wall and broke into pieces before falling into the bathtub.

"Still hungry?" Hades asked by the door, looking at me with his arms folded over his chest. I ground my teeth together, glaring at him, then glaring back at the spot where the drawer had been. I yanked out the next one and sent that one flying, breaking into pieces. I did every single drawer until they were all in splinters on the floor across the room, and everything in them came spilling out from condoms to toothpaste to extra towels.

"Are you done?" Hades asked after a moment. I glared at him.

"This is stupid."

"What's stupid?"

"This," I said, gesturing toward him, then me, "I can't do this. I'm not normal. I need--"

"You don't need anything, except a light snack and rest," Hades interrupted, stepping aside and gesturing me into the room. I gritted my teeth and stalked past him, elbowing him in the process and he didn't seem to give a shit. I ignored the fact that everyone was awake now, and Malachi and Rowan appeared to have gone off for something to eat. The cats were all over the room now, poking their heads out from hiding spots to check and make sure I wasn't still in rage mode. Confirming I was indeed still in kill mode, they ducked back into their places to wait out the storm.

"I want clothes," I said, and when Abel stood up to go to my wardrobe, I glared at him, "Not those. I have some in my other room down the hall to the right... I didn't move everything out yet." Abel seemed to understand, didn't argue with me, and left. I watched him go angrily, then looked at Hades.

"Gonna try to get rid of me too?" Hades asked. I narrowed my eyes on him, then looked at the bed, only for the glass on the stand to catch my eye. I stared at it for a moment, then looked at Hades, who looked back at me. I tapped my thigh nervously, my fingers twitching. An intense craving washed over me. It felt like I had bugs under my skin and I needed to get them out fast. I felt my heart rate picking up, my lungs contracting sharply. It was getting suffocating, frustrating.

"I need it," I said after a moment. Hades looked at me calmly, those intense blue eyes glowing as they locked on me.

"Why?" He asked.

"I don't know," I snapped, my voice cracking and I growled low, clenching and unclenching my fists, "I just need it. I need to feel something. I have to feel it."

"Why specifically the cutting? Your body hurts, doesn't it? From the vomiting, from the seizure?"

"I had a seizure?"

"Yes."

I looked down at my hands, then at the bed, then at the glass on the night stand. A lingering drop of water sailed down the clear side, pooling at the base of the glass. My mouth felt dry, like it'd been stuffed full of cotton. I swallowed hard.

"I can't control that," I said after a moment, staring at the glass.

"Can't control what?"

"The pain. From everything else. I can't control that."

"But you can control the cutting."

"Yes."

"Theo, you can't control everything."

"I know that," I barked at him, then took a deep breath and rubbed my hands up and down my face, "I know. I know, I know. I just. That's just it. I need to control something. I couldn't control her, I couldn't control Sept, I couldn't... I just couldn't do anything. It happened and I couldn't do anything about it. But I can do something about this."

"Then don't do it," Hades said, making me blink and turn to look at him and he'd gotten noticeably closer, making me twitch nervously, "Make the choice, your personal choice, to stop. You can control this. You can control whether or not you want to stop. You don't have to do it. Right now, this addiction you have is controlling you. What control you think you have over the pain, you don't have, Theo. Not anymore. The one way you can gain control, however, is by choosing not to do it. Sit on the bed. Wait for someone to bring you something to eat. I'll stay right here." I ground my teeth together and looked away from him folding my arms tightly over my chest now.

"Why the fuck are you even here? Where's Lucifer? Shouldn't you be with him on a yacht somewhere making love on a bed of roses or some shit?" I demanded, looking at him now. Hades wrinkled his nose up.

"That sounds incredibly inconvenient, so fuck no. Second of all, he knows I'm here. He doesn't need me right now. You do," he said. I tsked at that, moving away from him so I could pace by the windows, trying to work off the energy brought on by the need to get to that glass on the night stand.

"Oh, bullshit. You're always with him. He always needs you. That's how it works, right? Perfect relationship, you're always there for each other, always fucking and living happily ever fucking after."

"Is that what this is about? Sept?"

"Fuck you," I blurted, then reached up to rub at my temples, "I don't want to talk about Sept."

"You're the one who brought up relationships."

"Yeah, yours!"

"Are you jealous, Theo?"

"Hell no! I don't need you! Go ahead, go out there and frolic in the goddamn roses for all I care! I don't give a shit!" I shouted at him, then took deep heaving breaths and leaned on the window sill, glaring out the window at all the snow. I slowed, though, as a terrible realization spread over me. My arms began to tingle, like I'd bumped my funny bone. I slammed my eyes shut.

"I can't do this--"

"Theo--"

"I can't do it. I can't. I don't even think I want to, I'm sorry--"

"Theo-- Fuck!" Hades cursed as I slammed my head forward into the glass of the window, feeling the crystal give way, shards twisting inward and cutting my forehead, sending sharp waves of pain and relief through me as I went to slam my head against it harder, only for a pair of powerful arms to wrap around me, hoisting me up off the floor.

"No," I shouted, writhing and bucking in his grasp, "Get off me! Fuck you! Put me down! I'm not your bitch! I want it! I want it!"

"Malachi! Rowan!" Hades's voice exploded in my ears and I writhed as Hades dragged me over to the bed and tossed me down. I popped back up, grabbing the glass on the night stand and smashing it in my hand, feeling the glass splinter and pop, sinking into my hand, making me gasp as another flood of relief went through me. I went to squeeze it, but Hades pinned my hand down and swiped the glass away without even touching it. He held me down and managed to climb on top of me, straddling me as he held my hand down so he could pull the glass out.

"You're an asshole," I yelled at him, twisting to get away from him, but now he was just fucking cheating, using his magic to hold me down, "I don't want this! Get off me! You don't give a shit! You don't give a shit about me! Go back to Lucifer and let him fuck you like you let everyone else, you stupid whore!" As soon as the words flew out of my mouth, I felt an immediate wave of pain. And it had nothing to do with the withdrawal or the glass in my hand. My thrashing stopped and I went still as I looked up at Hades, who didn't even flinch at my words. He was focused hard on slipping the glass out.

Jesus Christ.

Why the fuck did I say that? That was something not even Cain would say. I had no right to bring that. I had no excuse to say that to him. Hades had heard it enough his entire life. He didn't need me of all people to say that to him.

I stopped fighting now, only breathing hard as Hades cleaned up my hand and healed it right on the spot. He climbed off me carefully just as Malachi, Rowan, and Abel came running back. I felt numb now, their voices nothing, but muffled mumbles as I stared at the window where I'd nearly put my fucking head through. The glass was shattered in that one spot, ready to give way, all dented inwards like it'd been hit with a cannonball. My eyes slid over to where the glass lay in pieces on the floor from the glass that I'd grabbed on the stand.

I felt Hades's hands on me again, this time grabbing at my face. I watched his lips move, opening and closing, forming words that made no sense to me.

I shouldn't have said that to him. He didn't deserve to hear that, not from me. Not from me. Not from me. Not from me.

Monster.

Fuck, I was a goddamn monster.

This was it, wasn't it? The monster that was living inside me. The one that wanted pleasure, even if it meant hurting me, even if it meant hurting the person I admired most in the world. I didn't want to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt Hades, not really. I made jokes, I played pranks, but hurting him?

I hurt him.

He wasn't showing it. He was playing doctor. But I'd hurt him. I definitely hurt him. His heart had to be bleeding.

He was still trying to talk to me, his mouth working around words that my brain simply couldn't process, his hands on either side of my face, his blue eyes glowing with intensity. I could vaguely make out everyone else closing in on us, all their mouths working at once, like they were trying to communicate with us, or maybe Hades.

I hurt him.

And this time, it was just words. What would happen next time? What would happen next time I slipped up and it wasn't just words that cut him? What if next time it was something else? What if next time the monster in me really came out and hurt him?

What if I kill him?

A wave of panic rushed through me. My breath was leaving me in harsh rapid gasps.

I couldn't stay here. I couldn't be here. I couldn't hurt him. I couldn't hurt Hades. Not Hades. Never Hades. No.

One second, I was laying on the bed, staring up at Hades, unable to comprehend what the hell he was saying to me, and in the next second, I was landing on a street somewhere in Styx. I hit the cold hard ground with a grunt, kissing the pavement where the smell of oil, garbage, and filth infiltrated my nostrils. I coughed hard, groaning and rolling over onto my back, staring up at the sky, blinking rapidly as I took in the sight of total darkness, not even the stars or moon visible in the night. The only light came from the shops and clubs and bars nearby.

I looked back and forth, trying to figure out what I'd done.

I felt something wet sliding down my face and I reached up to wipe away what I thought was blood, only to pull my fingers back, seeing black ooze on my fingertips. I stared at it, stared at the oily substance rolling down my fingers. I sat up and reached up again, rubbing at my forehead, pulling my hand away to see more black blood. I looked down at my hand where Hades had healed it, and all that remained was... black blood.

This is it, I realized. The infection. I was infected for real now. It wasn't just the chills, the darkness, the depression. My blood was black. I'd bypassed the barrier again. I'd slipped out from under Hades's nose. And if what they said was true, Hades wouldn't be able to find me unless I wanted him to.

I slammed my eyes shut before I slowly rose to my feet, grimacing at the aches and cracks of my bones. I shifted a little, tilting my head from side to side to crack it into place before I stared down the alleyway ahead of me.

I'm sorry, Hades.

I can't do this.

I can't.