Chapter Nine

This was a stupid idea.

What the hell was I doing?

I'm Theo, seventh son of Hades, Prince of Styx, the Phantom of April Fools.

I didn't need a goddamn therapist. I needed scotch, a bacon cheeseburger pizza, and cats. Therapists were for whiny crybabies who couldn't handle life. Or alcoholics, like Malachi. Emotional wrecks, like Cerberus. Introverted weirdos, like Zelios and Charon. Incestuous losers, Cain and Abel. People with hero complexes, fucking Nikias. Or a male dealing with pregnancy, like Ambrosius.

Or people who'd dealt with high trauma events, like Hades.

But not me. I didn't need a therapist.

So why I was sitting in Joxeia's office on Olympus, staring at an awkward pile of pamphlets on the wall talking about bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, depression and anxiety, PTSD? I didn't belong here in this fancy somehow cozy office on a stuffed leather sofa. I felt out of place here. The warm buttery glow of the lights, the dim glow of lights outside in the garden where a fountain trickled softly. A clock on the wall made a soft occasional tick, not like that loud obnoxious clicking some clocks did, like it wanted to remind you how many seconds of your life were passing by.

I swallowed and shifted uncomfortably, growling low in my throat when the leather squeaked at me for being rough with it. I adjusted my jeans, snuggled further down into my hoodie, drawing my legs up underneath of me as I rested my elbow on the arm of the sofa, staring at the empty seat across from me.

Joxeia had brought me in here three minutes ago, and was currently getting the downlow from Rowan and Cerberus outside, my fucking babysitters. Hades called them my bodyguards, but he didn't correct Cerberus, who bitched about having to babysit me while his husband was sitting at home alone in a bubble bath.

"It's not fair," Cerberus bitched when Hades had told him his job for the night, "I have a family to get to."

"And you have family that needs you now," Hades told him simply, "So what'd you know? You get to see family and do your job at the same time."

"Yeah, but Theo's gross. He's not Blaine."

"Think of him as one of your own children then."

"Even Keros isn't that gross and he's hit prime nose-picking age."

"I'm sure Theo will pick his nose at some point."

Some more arguing and finally Cerberus had shut his trap and agreed to come along, so long as Rowan tagged along, and Rowan had agreed immediately. After all, it was his fucking job to protect me anyway, so how could he not? Still, I was peeved at him for telling my dad about our confrontation. How the hell does that even come up in conversation between those two?

Oh hey, Rowan, can you pass me the scalpel?

Sure, Hades. Oh, by the way, I almost fucked your son.

Did you? Here, stitch that artery. Good for you, I now add you to my list of people to hate.

No problem. Oh, and I don't think he knows what a prostate is.

Fuck you, Rowan, I knew what a fucking prostate was. I didn't care about that part of the process. My main focus was the tearing of my muscles, the fingernails cutting into my skin, the fangs in my throat. The actual fucking part was just a small bonus to the whole thing. And it was the only way I liked to have sex. Slow romantic bullshit only cut it for so long.

Sept had wanted to keep it up, but it got boring real quick and I stopped orgasming at some point, and it was kind of hard to fucking fake when you were lying on your back with his face in your crotch. Eventually, Sept just did what I asked... until apparently it started to kill him inside and make him go flaccid. Then it was a case of the limps for the last year of our relationship.

No point in having sex if neither party was into it.

I drummed my fingers on the arm of the sofa with a frown as I stared out into the darkness of the garden.

There was no reason for me to be in that office seeing a therapist. And damn Lucifer for planting the idea in Hades's head. When Hades caught sight of Jo's card on my nightstand, he'd lit up and told me to go there immediately while we awaited for the test results to confirm whether or not I had a living monstrous beast attached to my soul. Hades was all on board for me talking to someone-- no, not just someone, but Jo. Apparently the guy was epic and was seeing all the major folk in the world. From Raven, Lucifer's son, all the way to fucking Death. Yeah, even Stanton was popping in for visits.

But they needed to talk things through with someone else, someone who was outside the bias circle of family and friends around them. I didn't need that. I didn't need some stranger knowing my business, even if it was Jo. I didn't know him nearly as well as everyone else, because I avoided the fucker like the plague.

First of all, his favorite form to take was a snake and snakes wigged me the fuck out with their lack of limbs and creepy forked tongue. Second of all, he was a primordial. One of the Three Original Demons. The Demon of Creation. He was all-knowing, all-powerful. He could read my mind like an open book, and knowing someone could get inside my head like that gave me some level of anxiety. Oh, and then there was the fact that he was a fucking therapist. A psychologist. A shrink. A headfucker. Trying to keep my life private from him was going to be damn near impossible.

Except that's why I was there, wasn't it? To spill my life's story and he fixes it all?

Goddamn it, this was a bad idea. Such a bad idea.

I slammed my eyes shut, reaching up to rub at my face with my sleeves.

Leave. Get out. Not safe. Smells like licorice and feng shui candles.

I heard the door click and I tensed, glancing out the corner of my eye as the door slid open and Joxeia floated in like some kind of angel, which was ironic given that he was a demon. Joxeia looked nothing like you'd expect an all-powerful demon to look. You'd probably expect some Obi Wan Kenobi Merlin sorta guy, or some ripped pro-wrestler twelve feet high.

Nope. Instead, Joxeia looked like fucking chick. The word more appropriate was androgynous. So when you look at him, you couldn't tell if he was a dude or a chick. Everything about him was feminine, from his long slender fingers to his lean muscled body to his long white hair that he currently had coiled up into one of those loose sloppy buns that were all the rage with the females, and apparently males now too. His lips were pink and pouty, his eyes almond shaped, cat-like, and a vivid shade of reddish pink. His skin was white as snow, matching his hair. An albino beauty with one slender legs that disappeared into a pair of ankle boots with a heel that added to his incredible height, and he finished off his attire with what I was positive was a chick's loose fitting top and a light sweater.

He smiled and it was like everything around him glowed when he did that.

"Hello, Theo, thank you for coming today. I know you'd much rather be out wreaking havoc on your brothers," he said, moving over to the seat across from me. I shifted uncomfortably and didn't answer. Joxeia sat down, took his phone out of his pocket, and appeared to shut it off before he tucked it back into his pocket. He looked up.

"You're so quiet," he commented, making me avert my eyes, "Usually you have quite a mouth on you. Even your head is quiet."

"It's hard," I muttered, furrowing my brows as I concentrated on the darkness outside the window, not really listening to what he was saying.

"To keep everything quiet? Then maybe you should take a break?"

"Nope. I don't want you all up in my shit trying to fuck everything up."

"I don't use my abilities when I'm with a client," Joxeia answered, and when I gave him a droll look, he smiled, "I can shut it off when I want to, Theo. It's incredibly disrespectful of me to read your mind during these sessions... Is what I want to say, but somehow I doubt you'll believe me."

"Wow, you must be some kinda doctor," I said sarcastically. Joxeia sat back in his seat, folding one long leg over the other.

"Fuck, you remind me a lot Hades when you do that," he stated, sounding displeased, "You and him share a lot of qualities." I wanted to laugh at that. There was no way that was true. Hades was fucking smart as hell, stronger than any god I knew, a total badass, and he also had someone who worshipped the very ground he walked on.

"We're not really alike," I said at last. Joxeia cocked his head.

"How so?"

"We're just not."

"Do you like Hades?"

"He's my dad."

"You can hate your father, Theo."

"I don't," I snapped, then cleared my throat and folded my arms over my chest, sinking down lower in my seat, "I don't hate Hades. I never did. Even when he shut me out of his life." Joxeia studied me with those intense eyes. His expression was hard to get a read on.

"When did he shut you out?"

"He always shuts us out at some point. I was sixteen when he stopped visiting." Why the fuck did I even say that? That was none of his business, and that wasn't what this was about. I was here because... well, probably because of Sept. So what did Hades have to do with all of this?

"Do you know why he did that?" Joxeia asked. I frowned, looking down at my fingernails to try and look nonchalant.

"I do now, yeah, ever since the whole Titan thing."

"So you know what your father has gone through. His life has been incredibly traumatic."

"Yeah, that's why he's so badass," I deadpanned, making Joxeia raise an eyebrow, "Anyone else would've just up and killed themselves. Not even on purpose either. Hades didn't, though. He felt like shit and still kept doing what he wanted to do. Even when the press breath down his neck about every little move he makes. He can't take a shit without them judging him, but he doesn't give a crap. As he likes to remind everyone, he's Hades, bitch. The world is his oyster."

"You seem very fond of Hades," Joxeia said, and I felt heat threatening to rise to my face when I realized how gross I sounded, sitting there and talking about how great my dad was like I even needed to say anything about it, "Cerberus tells me that you're the closest to him, even closer than Nikias. Hades has also taken a particular closeness to you as well. He doesn't visit his other sons; they visit him. But he always comes to you."

"Yeah, well. He knows I'm too lazy to go to his place."

"Is that what it is?"

"Yes," I said with an edge to my voice, "What the hell else would it be?"

"Maybe you like knowing that he's willing to come to you."

"I mean... Yeah, I guess. Is that bad?"

"No. It means you trust him to come to you," Joxeia answered. I frowned at that, glancing back out the window.

Yeah, I trusted Hades... somehow. For some reason. It was why I finally sat my ass down and let him stab me with a needle. He said he wasn't going to hurt me, and I believed him. He was the first person to hold me. The first person to smile at me. Hell, I was positive he was the first person who even used my name. My mother and the servants either called me names, or just prince. Never Theo.

"Well, yeah," I said after a while, shifting uncomfortably in my seat, "He's... different. From other people."

"Different how?" Joxeia asked. I frowned.

"Shouldn't we be talking about my problem with Sept and shit?"

"Is that what you want to talk about?"

"Not really."

"Then we don't need to talk about it right now," Joxeia said, and when I looked at him in confusion, he smiled, "Theo, therapy isn't where you go and you talk about one problem and suddenly everything's all better and solved and perfect. The reality is that it may never be okay, but that you learn ways to cope with that and how to manage and continue through life. And problems in life cannot be narrowed down to a single source. You're here so you can talk about things that you can't talk about with other people. Things you aren't sure about. You can ask me for advice, or you can just talk and I'll be here to listen."

"Like I'm gonna tell you shit," I deadpanned, "You'll probably run back and tell my dad or some shit." Joxeia shook his head, then opened up the little black book in his lap and held it up so I could see the elegant handwriting.

"Client-doctor confidentiality. This is Hades's signature here. He's agreed not to ask about anything that you talked about here in this room. I also signed it. I will say nothing to no one ever, not even Zeus. What you say here, stays here. I also do not keep what you say written down to maintain that confidentiality. And before you say someone can read my mind, no. Nobody can read my mind if I don't want them to. It's the perk of being primordial. Nothing penetrates the confidentiality we have between us," he explained.

I studied him for a while, still unsure about the whole thing. It sounded too good to be true. Total privacy? Nothing would get back to Hades? Or Zeus? Or anyone else? Just the two of us would know? And he was right; the little black book was just a list of clients and signatures. A few notations about medications, but that was about it. Nothing personal, nothing private, nothing solid and real that someone could sneak in here and take. And a quick scan around the room revealed a pretty solid magical barrier, plus a sound barrier, so that even if I screamed, it wouldn't be heard by anyone in the hallway.

I sat back slowly in my seat again and shrank down, looking down at my hands. Joxeia was quiet as he watched me.

"You're not gonna make me leave if I just sit here quietly?" I asked. Joxeia smiled.

"No. I'm not going to force you to talk. I know your father wants you to be here, to try and work through the issues you may have that you wish to discuss, but no one is making you stay here. You are welcome to leave," he explained. I glanced at the door, then back at Joxeia, then back at the door.

You're sick, Theo.

You need help. You need help that I cannot give you.

Gee, thanks, subconscious Sept. You're as annoying as the real one.

I looked down at my fingernails, rubbing away at dirt that never existed on them.

The room was protected. No notes were taken. I'd feel it if Joxeia were in my head, even if he was all-powerful, you could tell when someone was digging around in there. So my head was empty of intruders. He wasn't making me stay here, and he wasn't gonna run back and tell Hades stuff. And while a signature shouldn't mean shit to me, there was something about Joxeia's face, maybe those eyes, that made me believe him.

You need help.

"I cut myself," I said at last. There it was. Out in the open. Shit, maybe that was too much. One second the conversation was all chill, and suddenly we were talking about cutting, like it was some big secret I should be keeping, or like it was wrong or something. I don't know; it bothered me.

"How often?" Joxeia asked calmly. He didn't get angry, didn't call me sick, didn't tell me I was crazy or tell me I was weak. He just watched me quietly without judgment. I frowned.

"Don't you think that's weird?" I asked. Joxeia cocked his head.

"We all have ways of coping with things, Theo."

"Yeah, but I cut every single morning. Like, when I'm brushing my teeth, or flossing. It's like an everyday activity for me."

"How long have you been doing it?"

"Shit, I don't know, since I was sixteen maybe? Yeah, I think that was the first time I did it on purpose," I muttered, rubbing at the back of my neck and now trying to look at anything else in the room that wasn't Joxeia's face, "Uh, I was taking over my position in Styx. I kicked my mother out and went to party with everyone, and when I got back, I felt sick and gross. I went to the bathroom and I ended up cutting myself and just... I don't know. Ever since then, I've only missed a few days and it makes me twitchy as hell... Can you be addicted to hurting yourself?"

"It's possible," Joxeia answered, "But it's more like, you're addicted to the endorphins released from your brain whenever you hurt yourself. And it makes sense, especially if you've had pain inflicted on you every single day of your life. Hades told me your mother was abusive."

"I mean, yeah, I guess."

"Do you not see what she did to you as abuse?"

"I think she made me stronger," I said with a shrug, "I can kick ass and take names and won't be slowed down like someone else. I can be tortured for hours and not say shit. The Titans did that, when they captured my brothers and I."

"Have you talked about your capture to anyone?" Joxeia asked. I scowled.

"Why would I? It was nothing special."

"Hades found you heavily drugged and your mouth was nailed shut with a metal plate. I wouldn't say that wasn't special."

"I've had worse. Sounds like Hades gave you my whole life's story anyway, so you probably know that and everything else. So why do I need to tell you everything?" I demanded, annoyed. Hades told him this, Hades told him that. Speaking of which, why wasn't Hades here? He had way more trauma or whatever than I did, so why wasn't he squirming on the big leather sofa in front of the pretty boy?

"It's different hearing it from someone else," Joxeia responded, "I want to know how you saw things, how you felt them. It's how we figure things out."

"It's no different to me. What Hades told you is right; my mom was an abusive cunt and my torture was pretty basic in comparison to anything she ever did to me. Besides, Hades had it a lot worse than I did."

"Oh?"

"I don't need to spell it out for you. The guy was tortured his entire life and probably wanted to end it over and over again, but he didn't. Because he kept going, because he's Hades."

"Theo, your suffering is no more worse or better than what Hades experienced. This isn't a competition. The point is you, right here, right now. You've suffered. You haven't talked to anyone about it."

"Bullshit, I told Sept." I stopped. Joxeia looked at me patiently.

"So you trusted Sept with that information."

"Yeah."

"You recently ended your relationship with him, did you not?"

"It was mutual."

"So the tabloids keep saying. But it must be painful to have someone that you trusted so much want to end a relationship with you as well. There was no indication of a break up from the pictures and the articles about you two."

"Shit happens behind closed doors."

"And what happened behind those closed doors?" Joxeia asked. I looked down at my fingernails, at the floor, at the wall, at the dark garden. I looked at the digital clock on the nearby desk, watching the soft green numbers glow, the faint white swirls on the ceiling. My eyes slid back down to Joxeia, who sat watching and waiting. He wasn't pressing for details, he wasn't getting nosy as fuck, he was just asking because clearly it was bothering me...

And goddamn me, it was. It was driving me insane.

"We stopped having sex a year before we broke up," I said, and Joxeia didn't tell me to shut up or how gross it was, he didn't laugh, he just waited and I went on, this time maintaining eye contact with the floor, "I mean, up until then, things were getting... eh. Like, I found out he was buying pills, you know? To stay, uh... well, anyway, and somehow, that just made me not as interested. And we... we sort of started fighting long before that. I'm not sure when, exactly. Just that it was about stupid stuff at first. He'd nag at me about cutting and I'd nag at him for ditching me for his friends. Shit like that. Eventually, I guess, it just fizzled out... which kind of... you know, it sucks. Especially when everyone around is kinda..." I wasn't wording things right, and I was babbling now, and as I slowed down, a strange realization occurred to me.

Everyone else around me what? Had the perfect relationship, except me?

Malachi had Adrian. Cain and Abel. Zelios and Noe. Cerberus and Blaine and their fucking kids. Charon and Alexion. Ambrosius and Thorn and their new baby. Nikias and Demetrius. Kat and Leon. Dania and Alexis. Fuck, Hades and Lucifer.

Everyone around me had epic relationships that constantly had their attention. Hell, Malachi and Adrian got together long before I ever thought of Sept romantically. And they were still together. Malachi stopped drinking altogether. Adrian wasn't afraid of coming out of his shell anymore. He used to shrink back from me when I pulled my stunts, but now he'd strike back. He and Malachi were almost always together, holding hands, smiling at each other like they were the center of each other's universes.

And Hades. No matter what Joxeia said, Hades had the shortest end of the stick. His life was a total shitshow and suddenly he had Lucifer, and I could already see how different this relationship was from his other ones. With Lucifer, he smiled. With Lucifer, he laughed. They were always together, making jokes, and relaxing. My father relaxing. For the first time in my entire life, Hades was genuinely happy.

Everyone around me was happy.

"I want to leave," I stated. Joxeia nodded.

"If that's what you think is best."

"It is."

"Would you like to schedule another appointment?"

"No. I'll just... I'll come if I think I need to. Is that cool?"

"Absolutely. Just call me before you do so I can be ready for you," Joxeia said, then nodded to me, "Good-bye, Theo, and thank you for talking to me today. It's not easy to talk to people, especially a stranger, about certain things. Things we feel are private. And let the record show... there is no record. You were never here, you never said anything." I nodded to him and quickly got up, throwing open the door with a lot more force than I wanted to. It was enough to make Cerberus and Rowan, who were outside, jump.

"Damn," Cerberus said dryly, "You were only in there for half an hour."

"Fuck off," I snapped and Cerberus held his hands up in surrender, "We're going to a brothel." I started down the hallway, moving as fast as I could to put distance between me and that suffocating room and the cold hard fact that there was something fucking wrong with me.

"That's unwise," Rowan commented, following quickly with Cerberus frowning and hurrying behind us, "Your father requested you be returned home immediately. The test results--"

"Fuck the test results," I snarled at him, and he fell silent, staring at me intensely, "I want to have sex. I'm going to a brothel. If I'm allowed to leave with security detail, then you assholes can come with me, because I am not going back home." I didn't want to see Hades, and I didn't want to fucking see him with Lucifer.

"Come on, Thee," Cerberus said impatiently, stomping that huge boot of his when we stepped outside the main hall and Zeus's home, "I really don't want to do this any longer than I have to--"

"Then fuck you," I threw at him, making him blink in surprise as I invaded his personal space, and fuck him and his ridiculous height that made him have to bend his head down so he could look at me directly, "Go! I don't fucking need you! I don't need a security detail! Hades is just squirrely because he thinks I'm gonna go mutant and kill someone--"

"He's putting security detail on you so you don't get killed because you're a goddamn fool," Cerberus barked at me, giving me a shove out of his space, and heat flared hard in my gut at that, "Christ, what is your problem? Just because your therapy session didn't go well--"

"It wasn't a therapy session," I said angrily, "Hades just wanted me to talk to him about beast shit, and that's it."'

"Oh, bull."

"You're bullshit, get out of my face! Actually, you know what? Get out of my life," I shouted, and Cerberus glared at me, "You heard me, get! Go! I don't want you around me anymore! Go back to your stupid whore of a fae and your stupid bastard kids! In fact, do me a favor and rot in hell!" Cerberus sputtered at that and I spun around, taking two steps forward before I vanished from Olympus. I could feel Rowan following me a moment later, but I didn't give a shit.

I landed in the alleyway outside the brothel, breathing hard and rubbing at the thighs of my jeans. I was getting antsy. I hadn't had a chance to fucking cut today and it felt like I was hot and cold at the same time. Getting on the spot in front of Joxeia, getting lost in my head, seriously fucked me up. I didn't need to sit there and think about it. I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about the fact that clearly, I was the one who was fucked up.

It made sense, right?

Something was wrong with me.

My own mother didn't want me. Sept didn't want me. My brothers didn't give a shit about me. And Hades probably just felt responsible for me. I wasn't a member of the family. I was baggage. And now, I was dangerous baggage. There was some evil monster inside of me and maybe that was why nobody wanted me. Maybe that's why everyone hated me. There was something evil in me. They said that you always knew when evil was lurking nearby. Everyone knew. They knew somehow that something was wrong with me.

"Theo, stop." Rowan's voice made me twitch and spin around to glare at him in the darkness. He blended in so fucking well with the shadows, all decked out in black, practically blending in with his surroundings.

"If you're not going to shut up and stand quietly outside the door, then whatever. I don't care. I'm finding a whore and I don't care what you want me to do," I snapped. Rowan frowned.

"You're upset. It's understandable--"

"Do not fucking patronize me."

"I'm not. I recognize pain when I see it. I know that everything is confusing right now. And I know you felt vulnerable in that room," he explained, and when I opened my mouth to cut him off, he raised his finger to me and I twitched, "Stop. Don't try and tell me you didn't feel exposed. Trust me, I know what it's like to have someone strip every layer from you. It's fucking terrifying. I'm also not going to tell you it's going to be alright, that you're gonna be okay, that this whole beast thing isn't scary. I've seen someone deal with it, on more than one occasion."

"What? Your psycho daddy?" I asked dryly. Rowan's eyes flickered. Something told me he wasn't talking about Xiphrus. I frowned.

"What's important is that you don't let this eat you up inside. If you let that beast take over, who you are will be lost. You will no longer be the host of your own form, but the beast will. And the beast doesn't have the kind of control and strength that you have," he explained. I glared at him.

"I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore. So what the fuck am I losing?"

"A chance to become who you really want to be. A chance to find who you really are. Once the beast takes over, Theo, getting control back will not be easy. Things aren't easy right now, I'll grant you that, but if you take a step back now, if you let that beast come forward, it will be so much harder to regain who you are. It may be too late. By then, you'll probably have killed every single person in the world who has ever meant anything to you at all," Rowan warned darkly, and I swallowed hard as a chill crept up my spine, almost like... like there was something inside me that purred in agreement with his words, "Hades. Your brothers. Lucifer. His children. Your pets. Your subjects. Sept. All of them will cease to exist, along with yourself, if you let this beast take control."

"There is darkness inside you, Theo," he continued, making me go still, "I'm not stupid. I knew the moment you became infected. You already had so much darkness inside you, the release from Atlan's death found you immediately and latched on. You're a nuclear power plant for it. And if you combine that with the beast, who craves pleasure no matter how he gets it, you're going to be truly evil, Theo."

"Maybe that's who I'm supposed to be," I said without thinking. Rowan frowned.

"You're not."

"How the fuck can you say that? You don't know anything about me. You showed up out of literally fucking nowhere."

"Like I said. I've dealt with someone who's experienced this. Someone who felt the same darkness, the same intense pain, the misery and the woe that kept him up at night. He watched the woman he loved most in the world die, he lost his little brother when he was a child, he was captured and tortured for centuries. He was destroyed and he didn't know who or what he was anymore." I was quiet with that, because for the first time since I met Rowan, I could practically hear the agony in his voice. He was talking about someone he knew on a whole new personal level. This wasn't just a person he knew; this was a person he worshipped.

"You feel hurt and you feel betrayed and you feel like absolute shit," Rowan stated, and I grimaced, "It's not fair that everyone around you is getting their happily ever after and you're being left behind, but, Theo, that's not what's happening. Everyone moves at a different pace. No one just met a person and fell in love and boom. Love isn't something that just happens. Love takes time and it takes effort and it takes a certain level of strength that not everyone feels they can reach, and right now, you're in that spot. That place of not knowing if you have the strength to do it, and you do."

"Look at your father. Look at your brothers. Don't begrudge them their happiness. Draw your own strength from it. Look at the things they've had to overcome to get where they are today. Look at the fears they've had to face, the confidence they've had to build, the love they built not just in each other, but in themselves. If they can do it, why can't you? You share their blood. You share their bond. You share their strength. Don't be afraid to tell Hades you need him. Don't be afraid to tell your brothers you need them. They are not there to drag you down. They are there to elevate you. They are there to remind you what you are fighting for, what you are fighting to have."

I stared at him, completely caught off guard. That was probably the most I'd ever heard come out of his mouth, and probably for everyone else too. Rowan wasn't the type of guy to go on big huge speeches. He was quiet. He said what needed to be said, because it needed to be said. He didn't say things unnecessarily. What he said was important. And I actually felt like I could believe him, because fuck, the way he said it... his voice. It was like he needed to believe it too.

"Who was it?" I asked. Rowan frowned.

"Who was what?"

"Who was the person you dealt with like me?" I asked. Rowan's face immediately shuttered.

"It doesn't matter. What matters right now is you. This is about you, Theo. You're the one who needs help, and I'm not telling you to go find a therapist, but that's a good step. The fact that you were willing to sit there and talk, if even for a while, means you want help. You want to be stronger. You want to know who you are. Not what other people make you. You're moving in the right direction. Don't throw it all away because of the darkness. The darkness is only so sweet before it starts to turn bitter. It's like chewing gum, Theo. It tastes great at first, but after a few minutes, the flavor is gone and you're left chewing and getting nothing out of it."

"That is the weirdest analogy I've heard today," I admitted, and Rowan's lip twitched like I amused him, and I sighed, scrubbing at my face, "I just... I need something, you know? I need to feel good right now."

"You need to feel pain," Rowan corrected, and I frowned at him, "Don't, Theo. Don't go into that room. Let's go back to the mansion. Let's get something to eat and watch something. We can watch every episode of Star Trek you want. Or Game of Thrones. Hell, I'll even sit through Family Guy, as tasteless as that show is." I looked at him, blinking. He had a point. I wasn't coming here for a good time, for sex. I wanted to pay Teren to beat me, mercilessly. I wanted to have my nose broken, my skin ripped open, my hair pulled. I wanted pain. I wanted it so badly my fingers were twitching and my teeth were chattering. In fact, I barely felt the cold now because I was so desperate to feel pain.

Or, the endorphins Joxeia was talking about.

Maybe I needed to do something else.

The cutting has to stop. Sept's voice echoed in my head.

Theo, stop. Hades grabbing my hands, forcing me to look at him.

Oh my god, Theo, why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you hurting yourself? Malachi and Abel.

The cutting has to stop.

I shut my eyes tightly and took a deep breath, opening my hands all the way, flexing my fingers before I looked at Rowan.

"Family Guy is fucking hilarious, you asshole, and we're sitting through six seasons of it before I get bored," I stated. Rowan didn't move, but he seemed to relax, his features softening.

"It's a horrible show and Seth Green should be ashamed."

"No, doing Buffy the Vampire Slayer should make him ashamed."

"We'll agree to disagree," Rowan decided, and I shrugged, before Rowan held his hand out to me, "Let's go back." I looked at his hand, then back up at the brothel. There was still something inside me itching to go in there, itching to have Teren do worse things than just spank me, than just bite me or punch me, but I looked back at Rowan. His expression so serious. The fact that he came all the way out here just to get me back.

I reached out and took his hand and he relaxed.

And we teleported back to the mansion. Despite the itching sensation to run away.