There wasn't a reply.

I exhaled, knocking again. "Phil?" I mumbled. I looked through the peep hole, but there was no sight of him. I set my hand on the doorknob and yelped when I tumbled forward, the door opening at my command. Unlocked again?

I stood still at first, biting on my lip so hard I thought it'd bleed. "Phil?" I repeated, a little louder. Still no answer. I began walking around his dorm, looking around for him, and when I went to his bedroom I found him.

He was facing away from me, earphones in and his breathing slow. He must be asleep. I walked around to look at him and I was right. His eyes were shut and his mouth was parted slightly.

I sighed, looking at him and carefully tucking his hair behind his ear. "I know you can't hear me because you have earphones in and you're asleep- and maybe it's better this way. You don't have to hear me tell you this: but I c-c-care. I c-care about you, so so much. Hell, I'd take a bullet for you. All I want to do is protect you, keep you happy and safe, and show you how much you mean to me. But I can't. I can't because I've already hurt you enough. I don't want to hurt you again, Phil."

I wiped a tear from my cheek, taking his hand in mine. "I'm so sorry I dragged you into my life, I'm sorry you had to be there for me when I never was for you, and most importantly I'm sorry for making you feel like I don't care. I've never cared about anyone this much- not since PJ. I swear nothing happened between Peej and I. In fact, he's expected to die before this Christmas. If I lose him and I lose you, I'll be alone again. But I guess if it means you're happy without me, then that's what you'll get."

I put my hand over my mouth to muffle a cry, wiping my tears with my sweater sleeve. "And Phil, I-" I cut myself off, resting my hand in my hands as I silently cried. I looked over at him, seeing he was having a nightmare by the looks on his face and his movement. I took a breath and finally said it.

"I think I'm in love with you."

He stayed asleep. I bit down on my sweater sleeve to hold back my sobs. "And it hurts. God it hurts loving you when I can't show you. I physically can't. If I could, I would. I'd remind you daily, I'd show you daily- I'd make you the happiest person alive if I could. But I can't and I'm sorry. So I guess this is goodbye," I whispered.

I leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Thank you. For everything."

I got up and when I got to the doorway of his bedroom I turned, taking one last look at him. I ran out his dorm and went back to mine, laying on my couch and watching TV until Chris came through my door.

I shot up and threw my arms around him and he hugged me back, exhaling. "Hi," I spoke, pulling away.

"You seem an awful lot happy to see me for someone who doesn't have their emotions on."

I bit my lip. "About that," I began. Then I told him. I told him everything from meeting Phil to just a few hours ago, and when I was done, his eyes were wide and his jaw slacked.

"I leave for a couple of months and I miss so much," Chris chuckled halfheartedly. I nodded and jumped when my phone rang. I snatched it out, hoping it was Phil, but it was the hospital.

"Yes?" I said into the receiver.

"You can now visit PJ, just don't stress him out- he doesn't feel too well today."

"Ok, thank you!" I sang into the phone, hanging up and dragging Chris out my house with me. We sped to the hospital and up to PJ's room, bumping into the nurse on her way out his room.

"Try and get him to eat, he refuses to."

Chris and I nodded and went inside, shutting the door. PJ was facing away from us, his arms crossed and his head leaning against his pillows. He turned his head and saw Chris, his face breaking into the biggest grin I've ever seen.

"Chris!" He exclaimed. Chris smiled and skipped over to him, hugging him. They pulled away. "Dan!" I hugged PJ too.

"How are you feeling?" Chris questioned. PJ shrugged.

"I've been better. I'm just excited for Christmas," PJ babbled. I hid my pain and forced a smile, knowing he wouldn't make it for the holiday.

"I should get you a glow-in-the-dark condom pack! You could do it in the dark, it'll look like light sabers!" Chris squealed. PJ and I burst out laughing.

"You're disgusting!" PJ giggled. "But there's a Christmas party downtown on Christmas Eve. It's kind of like a ball. You two should go."

I shrugged. "I don't dance."

"Then you don't have to. They still have music and food. Come on, for me?"

Chris and I exchanged glances. "Fine," the two of us said in unison.

"You also have to wear santa hats-" PJ blurted and I cut him off with a groan, making the others laugh. "Dan, promise me."

"I promise," I replied with a lopsided smile. He grinned and a nurse walked in, saying we had to go so they could run some tests. Chris and I said goodbye, going back home.

Once we got home we ordered pizza, watching movies on my couch. It was now three am and we had finished all the food, both of us half asleep.

Chris looked over at me, his eyes watering. "He doesn't know, does he?" He was referring to PJ about Christmas. I shook my head, letting out a shaky breath.

"No, he doesn't. Let's just hope he doesn't find out."

Chris nodded, and again, we sat in silence, too many words eating at our brains for us to utter one out loud.