"I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

I was only thirteen when my parents decided to put an end to their miserable marriage. Fourteen when my father started going home drunk accompanied with a different woman every other week. Fifteen when I started smoking. And sixteen when I started contemplating how, when and where was the coolest way to die. Because as I see it, we live only to meet our ends, which is just technically—death.

Nonsense, right?

Since then, I couldn't help but keep asking myself the same questions on and on: why do I even exist? What am I here for?

Am I going to be the next greatest contributor for science and technology advancement, like those genius scientists or engineers or whatever those people are? Am I going to be the next rockstar like Elvis? Am I going to leave a legacy like those legends when my time finally comes?

Bullshits. What could a teenager with multiple issues—aside from an anger management issue—had to do for the betterment of the whole world? Nothing. I could even barely hold my own shit.

So enough with those baloneys. I just wanted to make a mental rant for a hell of a life that I currently have. In summary, let's just say that my father already forgot that he had a daughter since the day my mother left. Not until I reached eighteen.

Frankly saying, I already accepted that he was a complete imbecile. But to my surprise, he'd became a big time fool for a woman to the most unbelievable extent. Out of the numerous women he'd been with, I couldn't believe that he'd fallen head over heels with this particular woman.

Just—fuck, what?

But just to clear things, I honestly didn't care whoever he was dating or making shit with. I just didn't want to be included in his old dreary games for I had grown tired of it all. It was pointless, the same goes with my life. And I wasn't fond with redundancy so another one of it was instantly a no thanks.

I would be honest here. My life was actually completely at peace not until he compelled me to go on that church with him. A Christian church.

I didn't want to go to a place like that but hell, the old man was too stubborn to just let me stay home. He kept bugging and tried to convince me all throughout the whole weekday to come with him, making sure that I would concede. And unfortunately, I was here because he won.

Now there he was, standing in front of his Lord, pretending to be holy. Just like the other hypocrites. Proclaiming to be holy yet sins on a daily basis. Trying fucking hard.

Bahagya niya akong siniko habang pumapalakpak kasabay ng beat ng kanta.

Imbes na gayahin siya sa ginagawa ay iginala ko ang paningin sa buong lugar. With a band of youngsters playing on the stage, everyone inside the room was clapping and dancing like they were celebrating something.

Sabay nang marahan kong singhap ang pagtataasan ng mga balahibo sa katawan. I want to get out of here.

Hindi pa rin ako gumalaw at nanatili lang na nakatayo ro'n hanggang sa mapadpad muli sa stage ang paningin ko. I crossed my arms over my chest with a slight frown. Bagot na nagtagal ang tingin ko sa lalaking tumutugtog ng guitara at kumakanta habang nakapikit matapos.

Mabagal ang pagdilat nya't hindi ko alam kung sinadya ba niyang ituon sakto sa akin ang linya ng tingin niya. As if kanina pa niya akong pinagmamasdan dito o ano.

Tinaasan ko na ng kilay nang hindi na niya alisin sa akin ang atensyon niya. But instead of looking away, the guy smiles at me while still singing.

Yuck.

Pairap akong nagbitiw ng tingin at natuluyan sa pagsimangot hanggang sa matapos ang mga ito sa pagtugtog.

"Leiry." There was a warning tone on his voice as he called for my attention. "Itabi mo 'yang cellphone mo. May nagsasalita sa harap 'di ba? Where are your manners?"

I rolled my eyes.

What manners was he talking about? Was that banging a different woman for the week inside your home, knowing that your daughter was there and aware of your infidelity? Really now? I suddenly wanted to laugh. Nagsalita ang may manners, ako ang nahiya.

Nonchalantly, I looked at the old man who was speaking up on the stage, saying things I didn't understand. This imbecile man beside me compelled me to go here. And now he was also forcing me to listen to whatever shit this other old man was saying.

This is too much.

"As what been said in Mathew 7:2, for with what judgment you judge, you will be judge. And with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you..."

Napahikab ako sa pang-ilang verse na banggit ng pastor habang nagsesermon. I wanted to go home so bad. Maybe have some smoke too.

Ilang beses akong muntikang makatulog kung 'di lang ako sinisiko ni Dad.

Kainis.

Matapos ang mahabang speech tungkol sa pagpapaka-banal, nagsitayuan ulit sila. Hindi na sana ako tatayo dahil alam ko na kung ano na naman ang gagawin nila. But Dad's glaring at me like he was my master and I was supposed to be obeying whatever shits he told me.

Too much, too much. Oh, I swear in the name of my late granny, that I would never, as in never, am going back to this place.

So again, up on the stage, the smiling guy a while ago was still there. I honestly didn't know what his problem was. Shamelessly staring at me like I did something amusing—all the damn time!

Anong nakakatawa sa pagtayo ko rito? Am I the odd one out here? Looking like a stupid loser with the sea of celebrating people around me? Was that it? Did he find that funny?

"Hey! I'm glad you finally make it with her..."

Napairap na lang ako habang bumubuntonghininga nang salubungin kami ng babaeng kinababaliwan ni Dad. Kaisa raw ito sa church, kung tama ang pagkakarinig kong chismisan ng driver at isang katulong namin.

"Told you. Ang tigas ng ulo n'yan pero mas matigas ang ulo ko kaya..." He giggled like a baby.

"Hi, Lei!" She smiled but I remained impassive.

So this was finally the woman? Ang babaeng ipapalit ni Dad kay Mommy, I must say? Anong klaseng utak mayroon siya para patulan ang daddy ko? He was a rootless manwhore. Did she really know what she's getting herself into?

"I wanna go home," bagot kong tugon imbes na batiin ito.

"Lei!" There goes his warning tone again. "Stop being a brat," he whispered just like what he was doing when I was like eight or so.

You stupid, old man. Don't talk to me that way. I'm not a child anymore. You really don't know a thing about me, huh? And you call me your daughter in front of this woman? The irony.

"Fine. I'll go home alone then." Tinalikuran ko silang dalawa at nagmartsa paalis dala ng pagkairita.

Edi lumabas din ang katotohanan. Na dinala niya ako rito para ma-impress sa kaniya ang babae niya. To show off that he'd been a good father—that he'd always been one at that.

Ang buong akala ko pa naman kahit kaunti ay may pakialam pa siya sa akin at gusto niyang mapabuti ako. But no, it's not! It was all a show for that woman! There would always be nothing for me. He'll never do things just for me... never. 'Cause he didn't care anymore.

"Leiry! Go back here!"

Don't call my name! You don't have a daughter? Hell yeah! I don't have a father as well! I hate you. No. I despise you... so much.

"Hey!"

Kunot na ang noo ko nang matigilan dahil sa taong humarang sa dinaraanan ko. AH! Iyong nakakairitang lalaking kumakanta! Great. This was such a lucky day for me, really.

"What?!" Bumakas ang gulat sa ekspresyon niya dahil sa pagsigaw ko pero agad ding nakabawi't ngumiti pa.

"Good morning din!" Tumaas ang kilay ko sa masigla niyang bati. "Leiry? I'm Emmanuel."

"I don't care." Tinabig ko siya paalis sa daan kasama na ng nakalahad niyang palad.

"Nice meeting you too! Ingat sa pag-uwi!"

Hindi naman talaga ako umuwi. I just wanted to be out of that place. I was suffocated and couldn't stand being there. The sight of smiling faces of strangers surrounding me felt foreign. Maybe because I haven't seen that look reflected on mine for as long as I could remember.

I've gone for a walk and smoke a little. Now we're talking about peace: in solitude, far away from terrible people and having the best company—cigar. I prepare it more than people. Because people are complicated if not draining and they pissed me off most of the time.

Sinadya kong umuwi ng gabi para hindi ko na maabutang gising si Dad but because today was like a Friday the thirteenth for me, there he was. Gising na gising ang diwa at may kasama pang nakakairita.