WARNING: Sorry, but I'm really sensitive. Please, I know I'll regret posting this anyways and maybe I'll delete this if I feel like it. But, I just want to share that there are people like me. I want to show that I'm vulnerable and broken.

Fun fact about me: I get sad and depressed A LOT. I don't necessarily think it's the medical condition but... I don't know why I get so sad every day and every night of my life. I always wish that I could just smile like the people around me, and no matter what the challenge or adversity, I'll always pull through just like them.

But no, I don't. Why, oh why? Well, because I'm not as strong as them.

Lately, I've been trying so hard to sleep. Half of this summer vacation was me staying up all night then going to sleep, only to wake up at quarter to noon or later. The only exception is on Saturdays, where I have to wake up early for church.

Before you guys scold me for not getting enough sleep, I've been doing this for the past five years. Particularly last school year, where I always do my school work through the night until the sun rises. My parents are even against this, and always scold me for not doing them on the evenings. But honestly, I start doing them in the evening! But I don't know why it's so hard to do them when you see other people awake besides you.

I'm actually more comfortable working alone, but that also scares me. One is, what if I need help? Who do I call besides myself? I grew up, being told: when you get sick, only your parents will come to you because no one will love you like we do if you don't act like your age and change your attitude! Well, because of hearing those things, I decided to not become a burden to anyone I love.

That's why, when I have a school project, I don't tell them unless I really need a few money to add to my savings. When I have the flu or a migraine, I don't tell them so they won't have to worry and I just suck it up until it goes away. When there are numerous people bullying me or hurting me, I don't tell them because I don't want them to learn how pathetic their child is.

Second reason why I'm scared of being independent is, how about when I want someone to love me but my subconscious makes me shut people out? Will anyone want to love me, someone who is so broken and wasted and costs less than nothing? One of my philosophy in life is, we are born not just for ourselves. I implement that by learning to love others unconditionally, no matter who you are as long as you place some value to me. But, most of the time I know people take advantage of me and my inability to say no to stuff I don't like. I just want to help, but am I worth helping myself first though?

With that I wonder if I'm still worth loving. If my crappy physique, sappy mentality, and bad social skills can still able to care for other people, why do these people still hate me? I always get told off by my friends that maybe I should just step back, then learn to love myself before putting yourself for others. But, now that I mention it, what's there to love about me?

Here I am, a teenager nearing the college/university period of their life, with no sense of direction for the future whatsoever. They say they're talented but anyone can sing. Anyone can like books. Anyone can dance. Anyone can speak. Anyone can act. Anyone can like anime. Anyone can do well in school. Anyone can write. Anyone can... There was nothing special about them. They were just that person who lives life trying to find acceptance and happiness, searching for people who understands them by caring for others more than themselves and being a friend when needed.

Don't even talk to me about religion. I get depressed by that too.

Being independent... Okay, I lied. It's being alone I'm scared of. Number three reason is, what ir everything they said was true? That I can't forever live alone? That I'll always depend on others? But, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want other people sacrificing for me, I already do that for a lot of people. I sacrifice my pride, I sacrifice my dignity, I sacrifice my opinions and beliefs just so people can accept me, but nothing works.

I'm so used to being the one who has to say sorry. I never recieve an apology from other people, it has to be me. Even if I know in my heart I'm in the right, I don't know how people have the power to make me feel so wrong about myself. I'm so sick of doing everything for others, I wonder what it's like for people to help me in my time of need.

I say these things, thoughts that are left buried inside me. But outside, you'll see a boy going about his happy life, has many friends and people say he's smart, talented, beautiful. They say he is really blessed with love, care, respect, and never knows how to quit. He's kind and very nice, who wouldn't love him? Oh, did I mention how selfish, lazy, wasteful, stupid, crazy, malnourished, weak, disrespectful he is?

I'm such a great person, aren't I?

I get so frustrated because I am nearing college, but I still don't have a life plan. I literally don't know what to do with life anymore. Writing is my dream, yes, but is it stable for me to depend on it as a career? And my family discourages me and choose me to be an attorney, lawyer, doctor, nurse, police, pilot, etc. Why...

I love sad songs. Especially those whose lyrics are spot on. Like they're just narrating the life I'm living.

I still wonder about the people who I use to like. Wondering if they remember me. Wondering if they still know that kind of person I was. Then there's the people I love. What if they learn all these things about me, how will they react?

I've had too much emotional pain. I'm scared of being hurt physically. Not those playful smacks from the back or even those heckles from behind, but even if I feel numb when I get slapped in the face, hit with a belt/slipper/stick/rock, I cry not because it hurts. I cry because they wanted to do that to me. Now there's this person I used to love. I still do, but everytime I think of them now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I sacrificed myself to them so much then realized I am worth nothing to them. And because of that, they will use that to my advantage and bring me down. Now I have dreams of me being bullied by them, getting beaten over by them. Then you can see me not able to stop them with my pleas and cries, asking sorry that I loved them unconditionally, regretting that I shouldn't have been so stupid. I cry, knowing that no one will be there to stand up for me. I'm not that worth it, not as much as I value them.

I know everyone hates the real me. That's why I act like someone I'm not. Now, as I lie in bed, I think to myself: Who am I? Who is this person I am now? What did I do to become like this? Did I grow up right? Will I ever become healthy in the eyes of society? Why is my personality like this? How am I still alive? Do people still like me? Will people ever love the real me? When will I be truly happy with myself? When will I learn that it's okay? That it's fine to be myself? Where will I be in the future? Can I die? Will anyone care? How long am I going to be a victim to society's norms and standards? Do I want to risk being called mad for going against the world? How can people accept me now? Why can't I just be normal?

Being normal. I remember that rant from an old friend of mine who said there is no unique person in the world. Not even you, or the person you're encouraging. Don't say that because you are lying to the both of you. Unless you're some Albert Einstein or Neil Armstrong, you are not unique and never will be. Then there's this message in church and commercials on TV that everyone is special. Please tell me, who am I supposed to believe?

Sometimes, I just wish I could stop myself. I wish I could reset. You only live once, that's the most depressing thing I've ever heard. I've wasted my life, what am I supposed to do now other than die? Can I fix all my sins? Will anyone forgive me for all the wrong things I'm done? I want to believe there's hope, but why can't I just dream and act on it?

Now that you've read half of this, you might be thinking of helping me perhaps? I'm scared of that too, because I know no one cares and understands. You might tell me a sweet message, but that's it. You might tell me I need professional help, but I'm scared of those people. What if they don't try to fix me, but instead take me to a mental hospital because I'm that sick? I'm slightly scared of hospitals in general, especially the mental hospitals because I have this fear that I belong there.

I'm not mentally ill, aren't I? No, I'm not. I don't have no bipolar disorder, no depression, no anxiety, no sickness. I'm "just being a crybaby so I should learn to man up and get over this because I'm just having a hard time. I'm not thinking rationally and being stupid for feeling sad. It will pass, so suck it up and stop crying," like those millions of people say on the internet.

That's one reason I'm scared of sharing this particular problem of mine. I know I'll get judged, harassed, laughed at by the people I thought I could trust. So why bother talking about it if I know I won't get the advice I need. Instead, I'll get hated on for being such a loser and I should die blah blah blah.

Sigh, should I stop? I mean, no one will read this. No one will care. No one will even reach this paragraph, I know. So, to end, I'll just write a letter to my future self.

Dear Future Emerald,

How are you? I hope you're doing fine! I hope you finally know what you want to do in life. I hope you finally have someone who loves you. I hope you've changed your imperfect personality into a likeable one. I hope you're doing okay, being alone in college and all. I hope you'll graduate soon. I hope you know what you're finally doing.

I hope you changed from someone like me, a person who makes multiple sacrifices and hates being a burden to others, maybe you finally learned to love yourself and accepted that it's okay to have people around you because I know they are people that really love you and will do anything for you, just like you do for them. I hope you're not crying anymore, not like me who's already crying writing this. Please change from the pathetic, ignorant, selfish bisexual brat to a successful, happy, and loving male.

Please tell me all about you! Your achievements, your adversities, your challenges, your days, everything please that is all about you! I want to learn more about you. You know I'm always here to listen to all your problems and stories because I care. Yes, I will stay by your side forever, supporting and helping you whenever you can. I promise to stay strong for you! For your future, for your welfare, for your life, I'll continue living.

I love you. I don't care if you don't love me too, I just want you to know how much I love you. You will be a great person, no matter how big or small, I will pray for your success. Forget all the haters and everything they say bad sbout you, I'll forgive them and still continue to love you unconditionally.

Your superior buddy,
Emerald Stone.

P.S. Please tell me also if you've seen Got7 and GFriend in real life! I know I'll never meet them, I hope you do though! Saranghaeyo, hwaiting!~

#DearFuture

Okay...

That's what keeps me up at night. Last night, I started from midnight and wasted 5 hours trying to sleep, but no success. Then tonight, while I'm writing this, I hope I'll do better. Thank God for my music, they always help me to sleep.

If you've read this far, sincerely I thank you. Hmm, I wonder why this is longer than any chapter in Wattpad I have written. Haha. Well then, bye now! ^^

I'm out~