In the last chapter, I introduced the concept of patriarchy which was the political-social system that deems men are superior to women in every way. I lightly touched on the notion that human thought and behaviour is shaped by our experiences and the way we are raised....i.e. a child is never born racist, but learns racism from the people around him. 

Following this line of thinking, this chapter will explore gender and social conditioning. What does it mean when we say someone has been "socially conditioned?" 

A quick google search will give you this definition:

"Social conditioning is the sociological process of training individuals in a society to respond in a manner generally approved by the society in general and peer groups within society." 

Also:

"Diverse cultural characteristics that have a pervasive influence over all aspects of our everyday experience, including "perceptions of, and interactions" with others."

All of us have been socially conditioned - you may not have ever consciously noticed it, but think about your everyday life and the way you behave and respond to situations. We always try to behave in a way that is acceptable in society - acceptable to others. Humans are social beings - we cannot survive alone and hence are always seeking to be integrated into a community which accepts us. Humans need a sense of belonging to be able to feel valued and fulfilled. 

But how much of the way we live is simply an act? We move through life doing things that we have been taught from a young age without thinking twice about it, and because everyone else is doing, it must be right...right?

Let's start from the very beginning - social conditioning can occur from as young as 6 months old. Do any of the following sound familiar to you:

"Stop crying, you're a boy and boy's don't cry!"

"Man up."

"That dress is too short, go put her in some pants." (I've heard this said to a mother regarding her one year old daughter).

To a young girl: "That's too dangerous, don't do it!"

To a young boy: "Take the risk, be adventurous!" 

I hope you can see what I am getting at here...even from as young as a couple of months old, when we don't even have a proper cognitive ability to think, social conditions are being placed upon us. Whether you're a young girl who doesn't understand why you're being asked to wear long pants or a young boy who cannot understand why he is not allowed to cry when it comes so naturally to him, social conditioning affects all of us and not just temporarily. 

We seldom think to ourselves 'by asking that young girl who hasn't even reached puberty or who is only 6 months old to wear something longer, I am immediately sexualising and objectifying a child which is disgusting.' 

We never think, 'hey maybe telling my son to stop crying can actually be damaging to his mental health and overall wellbeing and will emotionally paralyse him for years to come.'

We only think, this is what is socially correct and this is what I will do. God forbid I should allow my child to actually cry.

What about our favourite line "boys will be boys." This infamous line has been used not only by men but women too. A brother hits his sister? Lets pass off the violence as natural by saying 'boys will be boys'. A boy comes back home at 3am in the morning? Don't you know, 'boys will be boys', they are strong and can take care of themselves! A boy slept with a girl, even though his religion/culture deems it wrong to do so before marriage? Well what do you expect?! A boy has aggressive, uncontrollable needs. After all...'boys will be boys'.

Now imagine if the word 'boy' in the above paragraph was replaced with 'girl'. Of course she would not have the same excuses made for her, instead she will be branded with being like a man (if she used violence), a loose girl (for coming home at 3am) and a shameful slut (for having slept with a boy). 

We allow all these free passes to boys because society and culture says it is OK for them to behave in this way. Then as we get older, and the man becomes a domestic abuse violator, the man commits suicide, or the man has become addicted to drugs we wonder how this could have happened! You see this a lot in ethnic families, where the women are kept at home most of their lives, to be protected like a treasure of gold, whereas the son is as free as a bird in the sky. Then he grows older and becomes disrespectful and violent and the parents wonder where they went wrong? How did it go wrong? Surely, we did everything right, we did what everyone else was doing! 

The men, unable to deal with their emotions in a healthy way (because they have been deprived of emotion their whole life) resort to the only acceptable way of displaying it: through violence and aggressiveness. A male once told me himself, and I quote him because I cannot speak on behalf of the male experience, "you become confused, because deep inside you want to feel, want to cry but you don't know how to. I feel like my face is numb and tears are unable to flow."

And what about the women? Women who have been shut down their entire lives. Who have been told that they shouldn't bother, they're never going to amount to anything anyway and should just stick to what they know, to cooking and cleaning and being a mother. I had a male once ask me why I bothered studying when eventually I was just going to end up being a stay at home mum to raise kids...

Social conditioning means that as a woman, I am only valuable if I follow the acceptable norms in life. That is, get married, own a house, have 4 or 5 kids and raise them until it is their time to get married. Whilst a man should work and seek fulfilment from a job and a family, women are only limited to family. We should not have anything more and if we do, we are selfish and neglectful. And so we become like an empty shell, with no motivations or aspirations in life. 

This needs to change. 

We need to have more consistency in the way that we treat women and men and the way that we raise our young girls and boys. 

What do you think?