Wakas
(part one)

"Umitim ka," sabi ni Jericho habang inaayos ang hawak n'ya, it was for the incensing. He was incharge for the thurible during this mass.

Napabusangot naman ako. Malamang? Lumangoy ako? Hindi naman ako nilabhan para pumuti? At babad ako no'n sa araw kaya naman nasunog ang balat ko.

Sunburn lang naman ito, kahit hindi ako sigurado kung babalik pa ba ako sa dating kutis ko. At saka, ano naman kung umitim ako?

I was young back then, I didn't understand the concept of fitting into the standards of the society when it comes to beauty. Na dapat pala ay ganito ka o gan'yan ka, para matawag kang maganda o gwapo.

Kasi alam ko naman na gwapo ako. Anak kaya ako ni Glory! Saka, parati kaya ako'ng nagiging crush ng crush ko. Gano'n ako ka-gwapo.

Yet, the teasing and constant mocking didn't stop there. It escalated further and further. No'ng una ay biruan lamang na kaya ko pang sakyan at sabayan hanggang sa naging insulto na ang bawat lapag nila ng mga salita at bumabaon na ito sa aking balat. It makes me extremely uncomfortable.

"Nakikita n'yo ba si Gio?" ani Jericho habang bumubungisngis. Katabi lang n'ya ako kaya naman agad na nagkaroon ng mga yupi ang noo ko.

Tapos na ang mga misa kaya naman naga-ayos na kami. Didiretso ako kina Gabrijel dahil masarap magluto si Tita tuwing meryenda. Nililigpit ko na ang mga gamit ko nang bumanat si Jericho.

"Hindi e," halakhak no'ng katabi n'ya. "Hala, may katabi kang anino!"

Ako lang naman 'yong katabi ni Jericho. I felt a pang in my chest. Hindi ako umimik at nanatiling tuod sa aking pwesto.

Bumunghalit ang tawanan. Kahit na halatang iritado na ako. Madalas ay marunong ako makisama at hindi naman ako mabilis ma-offend o magalit sa mga asaran. Subalit itong mga binabato nila sa akin ay masyado nang nakakababa ng pagkatao. It's as if the color of my skin makes me more inferior than them.

Habang tumatagal ay lalong lumalala ang mga asaran na minsan ay nauuwi pa sa pag-iwan nila sa akin sa ere.

"May lumulutang na damit!" Jericho slapped his thighs as he begun to laugh. Sinundan ito ng mga kapwa naming sakristan.

My mouth materialized a quick grimace. At kahit ang ilan sa mga kasama namin sa simbahan ay napailing na. It's not funny anymore. Jokes are supposed to make you laugh, it's not made to belittle someone and make them feel like they're less of a whole.

Napabuntonghininga ako sa aking mga narinig.

Bakit katatapos lang ng misa pero parang dapat ay magsimba ulit sila?

"Hindi na ako natutuwa," I confessed to Jericho once we're outside the church. "'Tol, hindi na kasi siya nakakatuwa. Naiinsulto na ako."

"Ang killjoy mo naman p're, biro lang naman 'yon. Huwag mo masyadong gawing seryoso," Jericho snickered and place a hand on my shoulder. Even tapping me in a mocking way.

Umawang ang labi ko nang lampasan n'ya ako dahil umalingawngaw na ang tunog ng kampana. And as much as I want to deny his claims, I can't. Gano'n din kasi ang tingin ko. I can't tell people that their jokes are already hurting me. I'm a people person, giving satisfaction to others has always been my innate talent.

Kaya hinayaan ko na lang. Kahit ang totoo ay paunti-unti na nitong kinakain ang kompiyansa ko sa sarili. I begun to question my own self worth. Pakiramdam ko kailangan kong magpa-puti para lang tumigil sila. Para lang hindi na nila ako kutyain.

I know it's almost trivial and unnecessary for most, but if you're always reminded of a flaw that you can't change in an instant — it becomes detrimental to your entire being. Your confidence will de​teriorate and you'll slowly become how they paint you to be. Kinakain ka na ng mga opinyon nila.

Gano'n mismo ang naramdaman ko no'ng panahon na 'yon. Dumating sa punto na parati na akong nakasuot ng mahahabang tela para di nila ilapit ang kanilang kutis sa kutis ko.

I don't get it. And I won't ever get the point of pointing the flaws of others to make yourself look superior. Ni hindi naman sila nasasaktan ng kulay ng balat ko. If they prefer fair skin, did that mean they have the right to make me feel inferior because I'm not part of their preference?

"Lulunok na ba ako ng glutathione?" busangot ko habang tinitingnan ang moreno kong balat.

"Gio, pakiramdam ko wala kang magiging asawa. Wala kasing pipili sa 'yo, di ka kasi nila makikita." Halakhak ni Jericho. Sana malunok n'ya sarili n'yang dila. Lalo lamang akong nawalan ng gana. Gusto ko na agad umuwi.

Dinibdib ko lahat ng sinabi nila. I couldn't talk back. I didn't want to prolong the conversation either. Ang hirap pala kapag may nabuo na silang katauhan mo sa isip nila, it is as if you should always follow the character that they've established — if you break out from that character, they'll reprehend you and tell everyone that you're finally showing your true colors.

What if you aren't even the person that they built in their minds? What if your 'true colors' is just part of your growth as a person?

I really wanted to tell them to stop but I can't. Magi-iba ang tingin nila sa akin. The unproblematic Gio that they have established will be put in ruins.

"Hi! Kung papapiliin ka ng mapapangasawa, bakit hindi siya?" Jericho yanked a girl who came from the church. Ako ang agad na nahiya dahil sa ginawa n'ya. Hindi naman namin kilala 'yong babae. Nakakahiya na bigla n'ya itong hinila.

"Huh? E? Papakasalan ko siya!" the girl blurted out and immediately blushed. Nalaglag ang panga ni Jericho sa sinagot no'ng babae. Miski ako, hindi rin makapaniwala sa sinagot no'ng babae.

"Bakit? Hindi ka ba napapangitan sa kan'ya?" Jericho scowled and rose an eyebrow.

"G-gwapo naman siya. At saka, bakit ka naman magpapakasal dahil lang sa itsura? Papakasalan ko siya kasi mukha siyang mabait!" the girl uttered, almost bashful. Inayos n'ya ang damit n'ya bago tuluyang umalis. Sinundan ko lang siya ng tingin. Jericho didn't have any words left to say. Dinaan na lamang n'ya sa tawa ang pagpapahiya sa kan'ya.

I think people would never know how kindness can change someone's world. How a few praises, words of assurance and the feeling of comfort brings peace to someone's chaotic cosmos. They would never know unless they experience the soothing feeling of being comforted by kindness.

Magmula no'n ay hindi na siya nawala sa isip ko. The girl is also morena, has chinky eyes and she's small. Hindi ko alam kung nasa five feet na ba ang height n'ya dahil ang liit n'ya talaga.

She's cute.

"Gio, nasaan ka ba?" Jericho once again teased me but I just shrugged my shoulder. Busy ako sa crush ko. Wala na akong oras para sa mga sinasabi ni Jericho.

I wanted to quit my duties in the church before. Subalit dahil sa kan'ya ay naenganyo akong ipagpatuloy ito. Maybe He did this and He let me meet this wonderful girl for me to continue serving the church. Naiinggit ako no'n kay Gabrijel dahil pakiramdam ko ay hindi bagay sa akin ang pagiging sakristan. I wasn't as devoted as him. I am always lacking when it comes to faith but I do love God. I do know that His love is unconditional and even if we were flawed, God will always believe in our capabilities.

Agad din naman nawala 'yong babae. Hindi 'yata ito ang simbahan nila matapos ang ilang misa at binyag ay hindi ko na siya muling nakita. I never got her name. Ngunit kabisado ko ang mukha n'ya. At alam kong nakaukit na ito sa isip ko.

Yet, maybe it is true. That God has the perfect timing for everything. If it's for you, He would lay down the perfect plan for it to happen. Ni hindi mo na kailangan gumalaw. It would happen, if He knows that it would be good for you and in your faith in Him.

"Uh, do you need help?"

Lumapit ako sa isang babae na nagkukumahog sa paga-ayos ng mga ballpen n'ya. Ang totoo n'yan ay balak ko rin sanang manghiram dahil nga wala akong ballpen na dala. I though that UJD would provide one, hindi naman mura ang tuition fee nila.

She hastily shook her head and continued to pick up her pens. Hindi ko pinansin ang naging reaksyon n'ya, I genuinely want to help. Hindi naman masama ang tumulong kahit pa hindi na n'ya ako pahiramin ng mga ballpen n'ya. I held a pen and she stiffened. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya natigilan, maybe the one that I'm holding is her favorite?

"Your pens," I smiled to ease her tension. Subalit mas kinabahan 'yata siya.

"Anong zodiac sign mo?" she asked, out of the blue.

My forehead creased at her statement. My what?

"P-pahihiramin kasi dapat kita ng ballpen!" she hastily said.

"Year of the snake 'yata ako?" sagot ko nang hindi pinagiisipan kung tama ba ang pagkakaintindi ko.

She shook her head, "A-ah! Hindi kasi 'yon!"

"Sorry, akala ko Chinese New Year." I laughed, merrily. Trying to lift up the embarrassment.

Kailan ba birthday mo?"

"July 7," tipid kong sagot.

Namilog ang mga mata n'ya, she even gasped.

"Cancer ka!" tili n'ya na siyang naglaglag ng ngiti ko. Grabe naman ito?

"Aray, ha." I commented and acted hurt.

"Kanser ka pala sa lipunan, Gio e." Ravin, one of my friends, snorted. He's not in the same strand but we're friends. Balak n'ya 'yatang mag-GAS sa pasukan.

Marahan na umiling 'yong babae. My eyes were glued to her. She's familiar, I just can't pinpoint where I saw her.

Tila ba bigla akong binuhusan ng tubig na malamig. I compared her face to the girl

"No! I mean 'yung zodiac mo! Tapos pisces ako!" she smiled, cheekily.

Natigilan naman ako. I was still stuck in the idea that she's the person that I liked a long time ago. Tapos ngayon ay tinitingnan na n'ya ang horoscope namin?

Di ko alam bakit ako kinikilig. Hindi bale, dalawang zodiac sign na rin ang titingnan ko sa horoscope magmula ngayon.

"Ah huh?" a small grin slowly formed in my lips. "Grabe ka miss, ang speed naman natin. Inaalam mo na agad kung compatible tayo?"

Her cheeks glowed in red. Nagulat ako dahil sa mabilis n'yang paglakad palayo sa amin. I didn't get her name so I instantly felt panic in my system.

"Sandali! Pisces! Hoy! Pisces girl! Sandali lang! Panagutan mo ako!" I yelled, not minding the people around us. Mas mahalaga po ang lovelife ko!

She looked back and I smiled at her. Tuluyan na bumalik ang nararamdaman ko sa kan'ya. Her morena skin, her chinky eyes and the way that she didn't grew that much. I was towering over her and she's really tiny.

Lalo pa akong natuwa nang malaman ko na kaklase ko siya. Yet, she's distant towards me. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba nahihiya siya sa akin.

Nangunot ang noo ko nang malaman na naka-block ako sa kan'ya. Gumawa pa tuloy ako ng pangalawang account para makausap siya. Siya nga lang ang friend ko sa account na 'yon. And for some reason, I became more intrigued with her entire existence.

It's magical how you can appreciate someone's beauty when they can't even see it themselves.

That's how I felt about her.

Hindi ko kailanman naintindihan kung bakit hindi n'ya kayang makita na maganda rin siya tulad ng iba. Yet, maybe it's because she was caged in the standards of the society. It's really hard to break the norms and be your own self when all of your life, you have consumed the baseless opinions of others. Hindi naman 'yon madali.

Loving yourself doesn't happen overnight. As long as you can see your faults and flaws, you'll always be pulled down by doubts and worrying. It's not something that you can do in a snap of a finger. It is the same with healing; it's a process with a worthy result.

Paulene never saw it herself. Her beauty radiants comfort and kindness; it's the most attractive thing about her that others can't see and won't acknowledge. Yet, when she smiles and she offers kindness even if others don't ask for it and even if some people don't deserve it; I'm a witness of her eternal beauty. Kindness makes someone beautiful in time immemorial. Hindi kailanman kukupas at lilipas ang kagandahang loob.

I prayed that Paulene can see it how beautiful she is, kahit hindi na ako ang magpakita sa kan'ya no'n. I wanted her to know that she's worth loving even if it's not by me.

Marami akong ginawang kalokohan para mapansin n'ya. I even learned her favorite things! Kahit na ayaw ko talaga sa shanghai ay ginusto ko ito dahil ito lang ang kaya n'yang lutuin. I even made a stan account for her, because she told me that you create a stan account to show your love for the person you appreciate.

I stan Paulene for being kind and beautiful in her own skin.

I'll forever stan her.

Kaya naman nang pagbigyan n'ya ako sa pag-ibig ko sa kan'ya. I can't help but cry while praying. That despite of my own sins and shortcomings, God never made me feel that I don't deserve to be love. He really was the epitome of perfect love. He knows the right timing for everything.

For the entire course of our college life, tinago namin ni Paulene ang relasyon namin. I understand her. Maybe she wasn't ready. At alam ko naman na mahal n'ya ako. In her own way. Kahit masakit na para bang kinahihiya n'yang maging kami. I know she has issues with her previous friends. Baka hindi lang talaga siya handa.

I trusted her. Even if it was hard, most of the time. Lalo na dahil nakikita ko ang mga kaibigan ko na pinagmamalaki ang mga jowa nila.

I wanted that too. Badly. I was probably needy. I just wanted to show her to the world and professed my love for her.

"Madali lang ba ang accounting?" Sarathiel asked me when he spotted me outside my classroom. Sinundo n'ya kasi si Zafirah sa building namin.

Napatingin ako sa kotse n'ya dahil nasa groundfloor lang naman kami, it was parked near our building. I looked at him with broadened eyes and he immediately furrowed his eyebrows at me. Nakahalukipkip din siya at masungit na pinagmasdan ako.

"Pangarap ko rin na maging tinted ang kotse ko." I gave him a thumbs up and his ears immediately went red. Umawang din ang labi n'ya sa akin.

Subalit mas pangarap ko na ikasal kami ni Paulene. Tulad nang sinabi n'ya noon, handa siyang pakasalan ako.

"Madali lang ang accounting, dude. Para ka lang nagsesemento ng tubig." sagot ko sa tanong n'ya.

"Paano 'yon?" he asked, confusion written all over his face.

I shrugged off.

"Hindi ko rin alam."

I told myself that I'll propose to Paulene after doing my preparations for CPALE. Subalit nang dumating na ang araw na 'yon. I was dumbstruck with her reaction. I didn't know what to do. Hindi 'yon ang inaasahan ko na reaksyon n'ya.

Natiis kong magtago nang ilang taon. Subalit hindi pa rin pala 'yon sapat. We still had a long way to go. Naiintindihan ko naman. I didn't want to pressure her.

"Paulene, will you—"

"No. No, Gio. I'm sorry."

Hindi agad itong nag-rehistro sa isipan ko. Her sudden rejection made me feel numb all over as if I was struck by lightning. Ni hindi ko na alam ang susunod kong sasabihin dahil sa biglaang pagtanggi n'ya.

She ran away but I immediately followed her.

"Paulene! Sandali, b-bakit?"

"Gio, please. It's not the right time."

"Ah? G-gano'n ba? Okay! N-next time, gagalingan ko—"

"No! Gio! Hindi." she cried out.

"Paulene. . ." tears formed in my eyes.

Bakit parang kulang pa rin?

I never thought that the person who comforted me and made me fee loved is also capable of making me feel less, making me feel that I'm not enough.

"Gio, I just realized that I'm not good enough for you." marahas n'yang sabi.

"Mahal kita, Paulene."

"Gio, marami pang iba na pwede mong mahalin. Hindi ako maganda. Hindi ako matalino—"

It doesn't change a thing.

"Mahal kita, Pau. . ."

"Gio! Wala akong maibibigay sa 'yo! No one likes me for you! I'm not good enough for you! Hindi ako nababagay sa 'yo! I'm not tall, I'm not fair, I don't have any talent! Wala akong pangarap, Gio —"

"Mahal na mahal kita, Pauletta Jayne Angeles. . . Sobra kitang mahal. . ."

Na kahit ang sakit-sakit na, kahit dugong-dugo na ang puso ko ay ikaw pa rin talaga. That I would rather bleed and get hurt if it means that it's for you. That my heart is breaking because I'm in love with you.

"Gio. . ."

"Kahit ano pang sabihin mo o sabihin nila, hindi nagbago na mahal kita. Hindi 'yon magbabago, Paulene. Mananatili. Umaapaw. Mahal na mahal kita." I smiled at her as I tried to contain my tears.

Mariin siyang pumikit. Lumapit ako sa kan'ya dahil alam kong nasasaktan din siya sa nangyayari sa aming dalawa. That both of us were hurting even if we didn't deserve any of it. I placed my forehead on hers and reassured her.

"Your flaws don't define you and I don't care about it. Pakinggan mo naman ako, Paulene. Parati na lang sila ang pinapakinggan mo. Ako naman sana. . ."

I kissed her because it was the only thing that I could give her to assure that my love for her is already embodied between the both of us. That as long as we both exist, my love remains.

"M-mahal din kita, Gio. Pero, patawarin mo sana ako. Sorry t-talaga. Mahal kita pero sorry. . ."

She ran away, once again. I tried my best to contact her but she kept on deleting our communication. Binalot ako ng takot dahil hindi ko alam kung ano na ang nangyayari sa aming dalawa.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

Hindi ko alam kung paano.

Yet, I know someone who would hide her from me. Isa lang naman ang kilala ko na kaya 'yon gawin.

"Are you saying I kidnapped your girl?" Etienne rose an eyebrow, habang may hawak na electric cigarette. He looked at me with mockery.

"Please, kailangan kong makausap si Paulene. I want to fix our relationship. . ."

"Paulene have her own struggles. Forcing your relationship in this state would only cause you more affliction. . ." Etienne used his electric cigarette and blew out some smoke.

"Bobo ka ba?" he uttered.

"Mahal ko si Paulene. . ." I pleaded to him infront of his gate. I don't care if I saw him together with Paulene. Wala na akong pakialam kung noon ay pinagselosan ko siya. I wanted to know where Paulene is! I just wanted to hear something from her. Kahit na ano. . . Tatanggapin ko. Mahal ko siya e.

"Pero hindi ka bobo. Mahal mo siya pero alam mo na pareho na kayong nasasaktan. Let her go. You don't always have to become a martyr. You don't always have to be the one that understands. . ."

"Kung kailangan n-na lumuhod ako. Gagawin ko." I swallowed hard as my breathing becomes unsteady. I was not clothed with any pride anymore. I was willing to lay out all of my cards.

Etienne tilted his head and smirked wickely, seemingly enjoying to see me in pain. "Edi lumuhod ka. Pakialam ko?"

And I did. For the whole day, nandoon lang ako sa gate at nakaluhod habang nagmakakaawa para kay Paulene. It was a foolish decision. Tama nga si Etienne, bobo nga ako.

Etienne went to me when he saw that I wasn't standing. Pinilit n'ya ang dalawang guard na buhatin ako. He ran his fingers through his ash grey hair and touched the side of his cheeks using his tongue in frustration. Humarap siya sa akin habang nanatiling walang emosyon na nakalapag sa kan'yang mukha.

"Hindi ako aalis dito hanggang di mo nilalabas si Paulene," nanghihinang saad ko. The changing of weather made me feel numb. Umulan at umaraw ay naghihintay ako na lumabas si Paulene.

"Paulene gets mistreated because of you. Alam mo ba 'yon?" Etienne said that made me stupefied in my spot.

No. . .

"Of course not," Etienne snickered, mocking me. "Paulene doesn't love you anymore. Who would, anyway? Someone who can't even accept rejection isn't worthy of second chances."

I lowered down my gaze and begun to feel the hollow feeling. It consumed every fiber of my being. Unti-unti kong napagtantuan na baka nga ako talaga 'yong mali.

"Gio, hindi ka bobo. You know exactly that she doesn't want you anymore, right? She wouldn't explain anything because she doesn't care. She even told me that she'll be happy if you can move away from her path. Bakit ba hindi mo na lang siya pagbigyan?" Etienne grinned, with a mischievous glint burning in his eyes. He looked amuse with my reaction.

"Mahal n'ya ako, Etienne."

"Lol, who said so? Then why didn't she come here? Bakit ako ang kaharap mo ngayon? Don't make me state the obvious, you know it already." Ngumisi si Etienne habang pinaglalaruan ang juul n'ya. "Hindi ka na n'ya mahal. You were too much for her. Stop acting like she still loves you, don't be a fool."

The guards carefully dragged me inside a car. Wala akong nagawa nang ihatid nila ako pabalik sa bahay namin. Mama immediately asked me when I cried in her arms, sinalubong n'ya ako at kahit si Gabrijel ay nagulat nang makita ang sitwasyon ko. I was pitiful, alright.

Mahal na mahal ko si Paulene. Maybe what he said was true, if Paulene truly loved me then why didn't she explain anything before she ran away from me? Bakit ayaw n'ya ako harapin? Bakit kami naging ganito? What happened to the both of us?

Too many questions left unanswered. . .

Because I loved her too much, I started losing myself. In the process of loving her, I lost myself.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪보라해❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
i'll post the part two tomorrow! <3
all love, li