Kabanata 38

I weeped all night, feeling heartsick. Saksi ang buwan at mga bituin kung paano ko hinigitan ang lungkot ng gabi. Sinubukan ko naman tanggapin pero nangungulila pa rin talaga ako. I couldn't help but blame myself for what happened.

Sinayang ko 'yong pagkakataon namin. What did I expect, anyway? Ako ang umalis. Ako ang nangiwan. At ako rin naman ang dahilan bakit siya lumayo.

It all boils down on me. It all points in my direction. It is all my fault. And I have to embrace my tomorrows without him.

Nawala man si Gio sa buhay ko noon. I didn't forget him. As I built myself, he was the foundation of the home I created during the time I was giving more time to myself. When I think of him, I felt comforted. Kaya naman ngayon na sinasampal na ako ng katotohanan na wala na kami, unti-unting gumuho ang binubuo kong tahanan. The home that I found in Gio is already slowly being demolished to bits.

"Namsan Tower daw tayo bukas, kaya mo pa ba?" Etienne asked, out of concern.

Naka-itim siyang turtleneck habang pinapanood akong umiyak sa kwarto ko. Binalot ko ang sarili ko sa comforter dahil nangangatal na ako sa sobrang bigat ng damdamin ko. Nanghihina na ako sa sarili kong emosyon.

"Huli na ba 'yon?" namamalat kong tanong. He gradually nodded which made me relieved.

Isang araw na lang naman. Huling araw na siguro 'yon para umasa pa ako. Siguro, dapat ko na talagang tanggapin. Wala na kami. Hindi na pwede. Sila na ni Xien.

Hiniling ko na tumagal ang buwan ngunit sa isang dilat ko pa lang ay kumakaway na ang sinag ng araw. Etienne opened my blinds to wake me up. Mukhang binantayan n'ya ako buong magdamag.

"Natulog ka ba?" I asked, languidly.

"Sanay ako na walang tulog. Mag-ayos ka na. Gising na siguro sila."

Taimtim kong hiniling na sana ay hindi nila mapansin ang namamaga kong mata. I even put layers of concealer but my eyes remained puffy. Halata na buong gabi akong humagulgol.

"Uh, ano'ng nangyari sa 'yo?" bati ni Xien sa akin nang makasalubong ako papunta sa elevator. We both went in and she pressed the button to the ground floor. She was wearing a pastel yellow furry coat, mas maliit siya sa akin. Naka-beanie siyang kulay grey at mukhang blooming siya dahil namumula ang kan'yang pisngi.

Walang namutawing salita mula sa akin. Tumikhim si Etienne sa likod ko at agad akong sinalo.

"Pinagod ko kagabi. Hindi ko pinatulog." Etienne smiled which made Xien blushed. Kahit ako ay naging kamatis sa sobrang pula.

"Namsan Tower tayo ngayon! Bumili tayo ng padlock dahil may mga lovelocks doon!" Xien excitedly shared the information.

"S-saan?"

"Mayroon na roon mismo! Mga vending machine rin na nagbebenta ng mga padlocks," ani Xien at agad na tumakbo kay Gio na walang emosyon sa mukha.

I frayed away my sight and walked hastily towards the car. Buong biyahe ay hindi ko tiningnan si Gio. I didn't have the will to look at him. Not even a drop of strength was given to me.

It's like remembering a treasure that you can never find again. Alam kong mahalaga siya pero hindi ko na mahanap ang paraan para maging kami muli.

I took a deep breath and inhaled the air before we bought our tickets to ride the cable car. Papaakyat na kami papunta sa Namsan Tower. In the ride, I was able to see the vast cityscape of South Korea. Ang nagtataasan at mga matatayog na building ay binigyan ako ng ilang segundong kapayapaan. It made my thoughts drift from Gio for a while. Bumalik lang ito nang makarating na kami sa pupuntahan namin.

"See? Sabi ko sa inyo e!" mayabang na sabi ni Xien habang tinuturo ang mga padlocks na nadaraanan namin.

There were numerous padlocks around us. Mayroon sa mga railings, sa mga fences at kahit sa ilang mga puno na tila Christmas tree ay mayroon.

It indeed brought warmth in my freezing heart. Na kahit pala ganito ang sinapit ko sa pag-ibig. Marami pa rin pala ang naniniwala sa pag-ibig na nagtatagal.

"Ang sabi nila, kaya raw may mga ganito ay para mapanatili at tumagal ang isang relasyon." Xien pursed her lips. "Gusto ko lang naman malaman kung sino na kaya ang nagtanggal ng love lock nila no'ng nagbreak sila?"

"Wala naman siguro," sagot ko.

"Hm?"

"Hindi naman lahat ng relasyon na natatapos ay humahangad na sana ay hindi na lang sila nangyari. Minsan, maganda na rin na kahit sa saglit lang na panahon ay nagmahalan sila at nangyari sila. That maybe, despite the hurting, you learn to love."

Hindi umimik si Xien at patuloy na lamang sa pagbabasa ng mga nakasulat sa lovelock. Ni hindi ko nga masundan ang trip n'ya dahil halos sa ibang lengwahe nakalagay ang mga nakakabit na padlock. There were a few written in english, but it could only be seen if you look closely.

Nakarating na kami sa pinakatuktok kung saan pupwede bumili ng padlock sa isang vending machine. Natuwa nga ako dahil may kasama na itong pentel pen kaya naman hindi na ako mahihirapan mag-sulat. Gio and Etienne were not around, mukhang magkasama silang dalawa dahil naiwan kami ni Xien na naghahanap kung saan pupwede pang magkabit ng padlock.

"Sino isusulat mo?" Xien asked. I felt uneasy to say because she might be offended. At hindi rin naman maganda kung sasabihin ko si Gio.

"Myself?" I cackled in which she also responded with a quick giggle.

"Gano'n ba? Si Gio kasi no'ng pumuna kami rito noon, hindi ko kilala 'yong sinulat n'ya."

My heart skipped a beat. Hindi agad nag-proseso ang sinabi ni Xien sa akin. Ilang segundo kong pinakiramdaman ang pintig ng aking puso.

"May nilagay na si Gio rito?" nangangatal ang labi ko habang binabanggit ito.

"Yup, last year. Bakit?" Xien said, nonchalantly. Sinusuri n'ya ang mga lovelocks para naghanap ng pwesto na kakabitan namin.

"Hindi i-ikaw?"

When Xien's face crumpled, it ignited a flame of hope in my heart. She looked completely confused with what I've said.

"No, bakit naman ako?"

"I mean, girlfriend ka n'ya 'di ba?" I uttered.

"Hindi? Hala teka," Xien looked flushed, she profusely shook her head. "Baka 'yong sa Facebook 'yon! Hala, hindi 'no! Pinagtitripan ko lang si Gio sa Facebook. Nililista ko pa nga siya sa relationship as a pet. Pero hindi naman kami mag-jowa no'n. . ."

"He p-proposed to you. Kagabi. Sa gitna ng mga paputok ay lumuhod siya sa 'yo."

My mind isn't playing tricks with me. Kahit si Etienne ay kitang-kita ang pangyayari na 'yon. Xien only laughed, pinahid pa ang katas ng luha sa kan'yang mata. She find it funny?

"Nakita mo rin 'yong katangahan n'ya kagabi? Tanga, ang bobo, ampota. Kaya hindi na 'yon pinapayagan uminom e. He can't take drinks anymore. Madali na siyang malasing dahil sa kondisyon n'ya. . ." Xien laughed, hysterically but immediately went mum when she realized she spilled something offensive.

"Kondisyon?" tulirong tanong ko.

"Well, I'm not in the right place to say it e."

"Please? K-kaibigan ko rin si Gio, Xien. I just want to know what happened to him when I w-wasn't around. . ."

Sumisikip ang dibdib ko habang nakatingin kay Xien na mukhang takot sabihin kung ano'ng mayroon. I just want to know what happened to Gio.

"Gio's well. . ." Xien swallowed hard before proceeding. "For the past few years, he can't sleep without alcohol. Sabi no'ng tumingin sa kan'ya, it's because Gio thinks he can forget after being drown in it. Pero ayon nga, it only exacerbated his feelings. Mas lumala at muntik pa siya magkaroon ng bisyo."

"K-kailan lang siya naging okay?"

"Last year lang. It's been a year since he's sober, at paunti-unti ay mukhang inaayawan naman na n'ya ang alak. Ngayon na lang ulit siya umiinom, actually. Magmula no'ng reunion n'yo. Matagal na siyang tumigil. Ngayon nga ay hindi na rin n'ya kinakaya ang tama nito."

It all makes sense now. That explained his post. Happy 1st Anniversary. Of him being okay and finally forgeting me without the use of alcohol. I took a sharp breath once again.

Pinahid ko ang luhang tumulo sa aking mata. I really did wreck him. Hindi ko lang pala siya sinaktan. Sinira ko rin siya. I created a mess out of him.

Hindi naman siya umiinom ng mga may lasa na inumin. He didn't like flavored drinks. Pero dahil sa akin, natuto siyang uminom ng alak para makalimot.

I could never forgive myself for that.

"Sana hindi magbago ang tingin mo kay Gio. Mabait pa rin naman 'yon. May trust issues nga lang," Xien smiled softly.

"Trust issues?"

"No'ng nakilala ko kasi siya, wala na siyang masyadong kaibigan. He told me before that what's the use of having friends if they'll leave you whenever they can. . ."

Timaan ng punyal ang puso ko. My heart broke when I heard Xien said that. Alam ko naman na kasalanan ko 'yon. He can't trust anyone anymore because of me. Hindi na n'ya alam paano magtiwala dahil sa akin.

I broke his trust the moment that I left him without saying anything. The moment that he saw me with Etienne. The moment I choose to be silent instead of telling him the truth.

Why do I have to feel sorry for choosing myself during that time?

Hindi ko rin alam.

"Teka, alam mo ba ang unique no'ng love lock na ginamit ni Gio rito? Parang pinagisipan talaga!" Halakhak ni Xien.

"Ano b-bang itsura?"

Xien took quite a time before finally finding the love lock thar Gio had on this pillars of padlocks. Nanginginig ako habang hinahawakan 'yon.

The padlock was in a shape of a price tag in the hue of purple. May nakaukit dito, hindi lamang simpling tinta ng pentel pen. Nakaukit dito ang mensahe ni Gio.

Mahal kita, Paulene.
Masaya ako na minsan sa buhay ko ay minahal kita. Simbolo ito na hindi matatanggal sa akin ang pagmamahal ko sa 'yo. Hindi mabubura. Hindi mabubuksan ng iba.

Patuloy na nagmamahal,
Gio

"You know, all the time, I have always wanted to ask. . ." Xien looked at me with a faint smile. "Ikaw ba 'yong Paulene na 'yan?"

I gradually nodded.

"Mahal m-mo rin ba si Gio?"

She shook her head.

"No. We're just travel buddies. At saka, kaibigan lang ako ni Gio. I don't see him in any romantic way."

"Naghalikan kayo. . ." I probed, still not convince.

Dahil kung gano'n pala, aba pota. Sayang ang balde-baldeng luha ko! Hindi ko naman pwedeng hingiin 'yon pabalik kay Gio!

She straightway grimaced. "No, that's probably your imagination. I can guarantee that we never kissed. Hindi rin naman basta-basta humahalik si Gio. At hindi rin naman ako kaladkarin!"

"Gio loved you that even if you have hurted him, he never badmouthed you. Parati ka nga n'yang pinupuri sa akin noon. He loved you, truly. Nasasaktan lang 'yon ngayon pero hindi naman ibig sabihin ay hindi ka na n'ya mahal." Xien muttered, with utmost sincerity that it made me feel guilty.

It stings. My heart cannot take it anymore. Kinabit ko rin ang love lock ko na may pangalan ni Gio. I wrote it with the thought that maybe we can last too. Just like the locks in this place. I can never be sure but I could hope.

I would talk to him. I'll take my chances and even beg for some closure. Kahit sana malaman lang n'ya na wala naman siyang kasalanan. That I left him because I know I can't grow if I kept on depending on him.

Bumalik si Etienne at Gio sa min, mukhang may pinagusapan sila. I signalled Etienne to distract Xien for a while. At agad naman n'ya itong nakuha dahil niyaya n'ya si Xien palayo sa amin ni Gio.

Susunod sana si Gio nang pigilan ko siya. I hold him on his arm and I felt the way he stiffened. Natulos siya sa kan'yang kinatatayuan.

"Gio, lets talk."

"Please, let me go. . ." Gio pleaded. "Aalis n-na ako, Paulene."

"Pakinggan m-mo ako kahit sandali lang. Kahit ilang minuto lang. I'll tell you—"

"Ayoko. Tama na. Please, lets just stay this way. Masaya na ako, Paulene."

"Hindi kayo ni Xien." matapang kong pahayag. "Paano ka sasaya nang hindi naman pala kayo?"

"Hindi rin naman kayo ni Etienne. Pero masaya ka naman 'di ba? Lets not involve other people in this, Paulene." nahahapong aniya.

"G-gio, I just want some closure. Kahit 'yon na lang. Kahit pakinggan mo lang ang rason ko. Pagkatapos no'n, a-ako na mismo ang lalayo sa 'yo. Pangako 'yan." I bit my lower lip to suppressed my inner loneliness.

"Okay," Gio gave in. He still looked crestfallen. Ngayon ko lang napansin na tunay ngang naging matamlay siya magmula nang magkita kami muli. He lost his shine. Nawala ang sigla n'ya.

"I just didn't want you to be involve with my own problems. Noon ay hindi pa ako sigurado sa mga bagay-bagay. Pakiramdam ko ay wala talaga akong binatbat. That dating you shouldn't even happen because I'm not good enough." I swallowed the lump in my throat. Nararamdaman ang pagsundot sa gilid ng aking mga mata.

"Sa mata ng iba. Sa mata ko. Sa lahat ng nakapaligid sa atin. I was not good enough for Giorgion San Pedro. I left you without any explanation because I didn't want to held you back. I know you won't let go because you were that great but you were meant for much greater things, Gio. I was a constant flaw in your achievements. I decided it was b-better to just ghost you. . ."

Walang preno ang bawat bitaw ko ng mga salita. I closed my eyes and praised myself for having the courage to confront him. Subalit napagtantuan ko rin kung saan ako nagkamali. I only think about my own perspective, I didn't think about him when I made my decision.

"Okay." Gio nodded and smiled sadly. "I'm glad you were able to say that. Pero pwede ako naman?"

I gradually nodded. Bumibilis ang pintig ng puso. Gio took a deep breath before finally speaking his thoughts.

"For all the years that you left, bakit hindi mo sinubukan na kausapin ako?"

I. . . Didn't have an answer for that.

"It wasn't just days, not even just months, it was years. You left me without explaining for years." kalmanteng saad ni Gio.

A pang of guilt hits my chest. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko.

"I'm truly happy and proud that you can finally stand on your own now. I'm happy that you're someone who can see their worth now. Hindi bale na ilang taon kong tinanong ang sarili ko kung bakit nagawa mo akong iwan nang gano'n lang? That you didn't even try to approach me. That I was so scared that if I reached out to you once again, baka taguan mo ulit ako." nangangatal na saad ni Gio. I feel like I could break down anytime. Bumabaon ang bawat salita n'ya sa akin.

"Totoo. Mahal pa kita, Paulene." Gio smiled, a crestfallen expression dawned on his face.

"Pero ayoko na, Pau. . ." Gio sobbed painfully, the way he cried made me realized that he really just want to go. "Ayoko na. Halos limang taon akong nasaktan para saan? Para bumalik ako sa taong nagawa akong saktan nang ilang taon?"

"Minahal lang naman kita, bakit kailangan akong masaktan nang gano'n?" napapaos n'yang tanong.

"G-gio, I'm sorry." I cried with him. Pareho kaming umiiyak ngayon habang ang mga nakapalibot sa amin ay mga nagmamahal. How ironic. How painful. This was torment.

"Paulene, I'm truly asking you to be happy without me. Kapag nakikita kita, naaalala ko lang kung gaano kasakit maiwan nang wala kang alam kung saan ka nagkulang, saan ka nagkamali o bakit n'ya nagawa 'yon. Years of asking your own worth was torture, Paulene. . . Please, parang awa mo na, just let me go." he begged in a low voice. The trauma was laced on his tone.

I traumatized him. I was a constant reminder of how tortured he was when I left him.

I get it now.

"O-of course," I nodded slowly. Unti-unting rumirihistro ang mapait na katotohanan sa aking puso.

"I love you, Paulene. Pero sana hayaan mo rin na mahalin ko sarili ko. No'ng minahal kita, nakalimutan kong gawin 'yon. I put you above all else even to myself. So please, hayaan mo naman na piliin ko ang sarili ko ngayon. Hayaan mo rin na mahalin ko ang sarili ko." Gio smiled despite of the continous tears flowing down his face.

I smiled back too.

For the second time, I let Gio go. It was the right thing to do. Kahit masakit at parang mahirap. Dapat hayaan mo ang tao na mahalin ang sarili nila nang mas malalim sa pagmamahal nila sa 'yo.

It was never wrong to pick yourself. Loving others doesn't mean you should neglect yourself.

We went back to the Philippines as if nothing happened. Nagpaalam si Xien at Gio na baka bumalik sila sa probinsya kung saan sila nananatili. Both of them were civil towards me.

Gio even smiled at me for the last time. Genuinely. Walang halong galit o kung ano.

"Wala na talaga?" Etienne asked. I smiled at him, without feeling any regret anymore.

"Wala na."

Bumilis ang paglubog ng araw matapos 'yon. I focused on creating more shades and products to market in Arya's cosmetic brand. Humingi ako ng pahinga kay Etienne sa pagiging secretary n'ya. Etienne was also busy with Arrisea and Adren since the two are planning for their wedding.

Ah, right. Wedding. Mukhang malabo na akong ikasal pa. Hindi naman sa di ako naniniwalang hindi na ako ikakasal. Pakiramdam ko lang ay hindi na ako makakahanap nang hihigit kay Gio.

I'm contented with being single anyway.

Nasa isang grocery store ako nang may humigit sa aking damit. A girl was crying while holding my skirt. Agad naman akong umupo sa harap n'ya. I couldn't see her face well because she kept on brushing her eyes with her hands.

"Hi, why are you crying?" I asked softly.

"I'm l-lost po. . ." she cried harder.

"Hala, wait. Punta tayo sa customer service, okay? Tatawagan natin si Mommy or Daddy mo."

Binayaran ko muna ang pinamili ko at pumunta kami sa customer service. The kid was familiar, I just can't pinpoint where I saw her.

Sa customer service ay nadatnan ko ang isang babae roon na mukhang balisa rin dahil paikot-ikot ang kan'yang lakad.

"Mommy!" the girl jumped towards her Mom. Umiiyak naman n'ya itong sinalubong. She kissed her daughter's head and kept mumbling soft apologies.

I froze as the woman looked towards me. Namilog ang kan'yang mga mata at kahit siya ay nanigas sa kan'yang pwesto.

"Mila. . ."

❛ ━━━━━━･❪보라해❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜