Kabanata 18

"Huwag n'yo akong kausapin," umismid si Gio habang inaayos ang kan'yang duffel bag.

Tawang-tawa kaming magkaklase dahil sa outfit n'ya. Kumpleto kasi siya kung tutuusin sa gamit. Maganda ang tela ng jersey, maganda ang rubber shoes na branded at may dala pa siyang mga equipment para sa basketball.

Hindi lang talaga siya maka-shoot.

"Akala namin na papalitan mo na 'yong referee, Gio. Wala ka kasing ginawa kung hindi tumayo sa gitna ng court." Hagalpak ang tawa ni Melay, pumalo pa siya sa kan'yang desk kaya naman lalong umalingangaw ang halakhakan sa aming kwarto.

Rumihistro ang irita sa mukha ni Gio, his face revealed an annoyed expression as he kept on arranging his things. The only good thing about his jersey is it revealed his good frame. Maganda ang katawan ni Gio, he isn't bulky but he isn't skinny too. Halata lang na nagw-work out kahit papaano o baka light exercise dahil hindi naman siya batak na batak.

"Anong walang ginawa at nakatayo lang sa court? Nasa may bench siya! Tagabilang kung ilang bola ang nas-shoot na." pahabol pa ni Primo. Gio shot him a quick glare before pursing his lips.

"Okay lang 'yan, Gio. Ang mahalaga hindi ka na namin pipiliin ulit next year."

Tinapik-tapik pa ni Mary si Gio sa kan'yang balikat. Gio softly removed it, humalukipkip siya na parang bata at bumusangot ang kan'yang mukha.

"Paano ako gaganahan maglaro? Puro sa kabilang strand ang sigaw n'yo?"

My classmates were caught red handed. Lumipad ang mga mata nila sa kung saan-saan. Someone was even touching the freaking floor, imitating a certain meme.

"Nagpanggap lang kami na tiga-ibang strand kami habang naglalaro ka, Gio. Huwag ka na masyadong magselos!" Melay nudged Gio who in respond only scowled at her.

Ako naman ay ngiting-ngiti dahil alam ko na ginawa naman n'ya kung ano ang makakaya n'ya. It's not like he signed up for it anyway, napilitan lang naman siya dahil sa height n'ya.

I'm enwrapped with the idea that flaws are seen as defects and the society expects us to be always perfect in our every day form — but perfection is not necessary to be called as beautiful. We can still be beautiful even if we have unrefined angles and scars found in the innermost obscure places in our bodies.

We can be beautiful without being perfect.

Gio taught me that.

Nakapatong ang aking mga kamay sa lamesa, nangangalay na sila dahil kanina pa ako nagwawagayway ng mga balloon rockets. Marami ang mga dinaluhan kong laro dahil required para sa attendance namin. This was our intramurals and I can't help but notice how everyone is enjoying it.

It makes me wonder how long it will last. My arms retreated, unti-unti akong nagpangalumbaba habang tinatanaw ang mga estudyanteng dumadaan sa aking paningin.

Sari-saring kulay ang pinapasadahan ng aking tingin. They were wearing their strand shirts proudly. May mga hawak rin silang lobo at mga ribbon na akma sa kulay ng kanilang strand. Jovial expressions were plastered on their faces.

Happiness is fleeting. Kung masaya ka sa mga kaibigan mo ngayon, mawawala ang kasiyahan mo kapag nagkahiwa-hiwalay na kayo. Kung masaya ka sa mga grades mo ngayon, mawawala ang saya mo kapag bumaba ang mga ito. Kung masaya ka ngayon dahil patuloy ang pagusbong mo, I wonder if you can still feel happy when you feel stuck in a certain loop?

Can you truly designate or rely your happiness to something or someone? Nakakatakot maging masaya dahil para bang agad itong binabawi kapag nalalaman ng mundo. As if the universe conspires against everyone who feels ardently in their lives.

Kaya naman natatakot ako na i-alay ang kasiyahan ko kay Gio. I can make him the source of my happiness but what if he also runs out? Paano kung maubos din siya? The idea immensely haunts me.

I won't deny the blossoming feelings. Hindi mahirap magustuhan si Gio. An aesthetic appearance mated with a thoughtful personality, he was deemed to be likeable. Hindi mahirap gustuhin dahil halos perpekto na.

That's why I'm scared. People like him are like dimes in this world full of dirt. At kapag nakahukay ka ng isang tulad n'ya, people would gradually notice you. All of their eyes will be on you. Harshly. Sickening. Judgingly.

Bumuntonghininga ako.

Wala pa naman kami. He's not even courting me yet! Well, hindi pa ako pumapayag dahil hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin tanggap na gusto n'ya ako.

Hindi naman kasi pupwede na dahil lang sa pagpapahiram ko ng ballpen. Hindi rin pwede na dahil sa una naming pagkikita. I will find him weird because of it. I wasn't attractive enough for my face to linger on the mind of others. I wasn't even worth a second look! Unang tingin pa lang ay alam na hindi ako gano'n kagandahan.

Kapag hindi ka sanay sa atensyon at pagmamahal; the idea itself becomes surreal. You don't crave for affection anymore when all your life you don't even know how affection feels like and even if someone showers you with affection; you don't even know if you truly deserve it.

"Malapit na pala ang 18th birthday ni Mila!" Pinagdaop ni Mama ang kan'yang mga palad.

Napalingon kami ni Mila sa kan'ya. Nasa sala kami ngayon at manonood dapat ng bagong season ng TV series na inaabangan namin nang dumating si Mama na may mga dalang paperbag. She looked quite hepped up.

Of course.

Mas maaalala n'ya ang birthday ni Mila. That simple statement from her made my heart dwindled. Pakiramdam ko ay lalong pinamukha sa akin na mas mahalaga sa kan'ya si Mila.

My hands slowly clenched under the table. Parang naging lanta ako bigla. I didn't want to watch the latest season anymore. Gusto ko na lamang na magkulong sa kwarto at matulog.

"Sa April pa po ako, Tita. Mauuna si Paulene." ani Mila habang sinusulyapan ako.

"Huh? May balak ka bang mag-debut, Paulene?" tanong ni Mama at bumaling pa ng tingin sa akin.

"W-wala po," sagot ko.

I do have plans actually, I really wanted to celebrate my 18th birthday. Alam ko naman na hindi kami sobrang yaman pero kaya naman 'yon tustusan ni Mama at ni Papa. Both of them have stable jobs and a little party won't hurt. Hindi naman ako humahangad ng engrandeng birthday party.

I just want to experience the eighteen candles and the likes. I wanted to wear a gown and have fun with my friends. Isang gabi lang naman 'yon na sana hindi ipagkait sa akin.

"Wala naman pala e. Bibigyan na lang kita ng pera sa birthday mo, Paulene. Tumulong ka na lang din sa birthday ni Mila!"

How insensitive.

I almost lost my respect for her. Pero sa tuwing iniisip ko na pinapakain at pinapaaral n'ya ako, nananaig sa akin ang intindihin siya. She is my mother after all, even with her flaws, she's the one who carried me for almost nine months. Patuloy n'ya pa rin naman akong inaalagaan o pinapatira sa kan'yang bahay.

I should be grateful.

Pero ang hirap-hirap lalo na't tuwing nakikita ko na kaya niyang maging malambing sa hindi naman n'ya anak kumpara sa akin.

"Aakyat po muna ako."

I slowly stood from my seat. Pumanhik sa aking kwarto at saka umiyak.

I plopped down on my bed. My eyes gradually closed down as I felt the tears streaming down my face. Ang bawat kabog ng puso ko ay nagpapaalala sa akin na kaya ako nasasaktan kasi buhay pa ako.

Pain is part of our existence; walang tao ang hindi nasasaktan sa mundo. Kada minuto, kada segundo at bawat oras ay mayroon nasasaktan sa pisikal o emosyonal man na aspekto. When we feel pain, we feel alive.

I smiled solemnly as I try to rationalized what I feel. That's right! My pain is only a part of me and it won't define me. Parte lamang ito ng pagbuo ko sa sarili ko. I have to be broken for me to find the pieces that will make me stronger. I have to learn to cut off and let go of the pieces that hinders my growth.

I have to be broken. . . For so many times in order to be strong. . .

Mapait akong napangisi. Hindi inaalintana ang patuloy na agos ng luha sa aking pisngi.

Hindi ba pwedeng maging mahina na lang ako?

Kasi nakakapagod na madurog nang ilang beses para lang matawag na malakas e.

Napapikit ako nang mariin. Patuloy ang pagindayog ng aking puso habang pinapakiramdaman ang sakit ng pagmamahal na hindi maibigay sa akin at hindi kayang masuklian ang binibigay kong respeto.

How could I believe that someone can love me? When the first one who saw me, the one who gave birth to me, and the one that should have loved me unconditionally — doesn't even love me.

My phone rung. Agad ko itong sinipat at nanghihina man ay agad kong tiningnan ang dahilan kung bakit ito tumunog.

Gio:

I love you.

All of the doubts, the loneliness, and even the hollow feeling inside my chest evaporated like a bubble being popped. Ilang beses ko pa pinaulit-ulit ang pagbasa nito.

When I felt unloved, Gio always makes me feel that every part of myself is a treasure waiting to be discovered. Parati niya itong pinapaalala sa akin. When I feel so alone, I find a comrade in him. My lips gradually formed a genuine smile.

My heart calmed down. Akala ko noon dapat palaging tumitibok nang malakas at marahan ang puso mo para lang masabing kinikilig ka at umiibig ka.

Pero natatagpuan din pala ito sa kalmadong paraan. Kapag pakiramdam mo tuliro ka na sa lahat, may isang taong magpapaalala sa 'yo bakit pinipili mo pa rin mabuhay at bakit kailangan ka pa ng mundo.

I found my purpose in him somehow. My purpose is to make sure that I could repay Gio's love and efforts. It should be balance. Hindi pwedeng palaging ako na lamang.

I was about to reply to him when he already responded first.

Gio:

Wrong send. Hehe

Pero sa tamang tao. 😅

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