Kabanata 17

"Bakit hindi ka nagdala ng payong?" talak ni Mama nang dumating ako na basang-basa sa ulan. My clothes were drenched and my entire body is trembling because I'm freezing in the cold rain.

Agad na umangat ang tingin ko. Minabuti ko na lamang hindi bigyan ito ng pansin. The way her words were colder than the rain made me shiver more.

"Nilagay n'yo po ba 'yong payong ko sa bag ni Mila?" tanong ko habang nilalapag ang nabasa kong file folder. Ginawa ko kasi itong panangga sa ulan.

"Payong mo ba 'yon? Wala siyang payong kanina e. Pakalat-kalat lang naman 'yong payong mo kaya binigay ko na lang kay Mila." Mama snickered, agad n'yang tiningnan ang kabuuan ko at ngumiwi dahil sa itsura ko.

Mukha siguro akong batang hamog ngayon. Sobrang lakas ng ulan at halos walang masakyan. Hindi kasi ako umuwi agad dahil may mga tatapusin pa ako sa school pero hindi ko naman inaasahan na uulan nang gano'n. Wala akong nagawa kundi lumusong sa baha at damhin ang malamig na hangin ng ulan.

"Alam mong uulan, di ka nagdala ng payong!" she scolded which made my face materialized a scowl.

"Ma, kinuha mo payong ko!" naiinis na banggit ko sa nagawa n'ya.

Kahit na pakalat-kalat pa 'yon ay gamit ko 'yon! It shouldn't be touch without my consent!

"Nagagawa mo nang sumagot, ha? Ayusin mo kasi ang gamit mo sa susunod!"

I decided to ignore her. Kapag pinatulan ko pa siya, bukod sa nakakapagod ito ay ayoko rin naman maging bastos. Sinarili ko na lamang ang namumuong sama ng loob dahil sa mga sinasabi n'ya.

Hindi naman kami ganito ni Mama noon. I remember her bragging about me when I was younger. Ang buhok ko raw ay parang alaga ng aloe vera sa sobrang kintab at ganda. My eyes were chinky, it made me look a bit foreign. Ang kutis ko naman na hindi sobrang puti ay galing sa kan'ya na morena. She was proud of me — noon 'yon. Bago n'ya nakilala si Camila Shelathea.

Mila lost her parents when they decided to completely separate from each other; making them a broken family in the process. Bata pa si Mila noon kaya naman awang-awa si Mama. Mila's Mom didn't want Mila because she's already pregnant with another man's child. Ang ama naman ni Mila ay naglaho na parang bula. Iniwan nila si Camila sa amin.

That's why despite my insecurities and the blatant favoritism towards her, I can't hate her. Alam ko kasi na may pinagdadaanan din siya. She, like others, have stories that they don't like to tell. She's like me but she's pretty. 'Yon lang naman ang pinagkaiba namin.

Pareho naman kaming tao pero maganda lang siya. At hindi naman n'ya naging kasalanan ang pagiging maganda n'ya.

I decided to have a hot shower. Tinanggal ang naramdaman na lamig. Nag-timpla pa ako ng mainit na tsokolate para kahit papaano ay hindi na ginawin. All of those efforts were futile because I still caught a cold. Ang sipon at ang sakit ng ulo ay nauwi sa lagnat.

I groaned in frustration.

Huling linggo na ng klase namin bago ang sembreak. Ibig sabihin ay halloween party sana namin ngayon pero hindi ako makaka-attend. Naiiyak ako dahil ayon sa mga kaklase ko, marami raw gwapo tuwing ganitong event. The school lets the students explore with their costumes. Halos lahat ng strands at mga year level ay nagkakakita.

"Pau, nandito meds mo, ha?"

Pumasok si Camila sa kwarto ko. Narinig ko pa ang tunog ng pintuan kwarto. The creaking sound made me feel alarmed. Dahan-dahan n'yang nilapag ang isang tray na may gamot at tubig. Her nails were fully manicured, I can't help but notice.

Napalingon ako sa kan'ya. Her costume was Harley Quinn's costume in Suicide Squad. She even had a fake blonde bair in pigtails, kuhang-kuha pati ang dalawang kulay nito. Her make up didn't make her look like a clown but a clone of Harley Quinn. It made her features sharp but sassy.

Her cropped top had the design of Daddy's Lil Monster and the lower half of it is ripped. Her shorts even shaped her thighs well. Napalunok pa ako nang makita na gumamit siya ng fishnet stockings. I'm sure she even has a baseball bat.

Napadasal ako bigla. Buti na lang talaga nilagnat ako at hindi ako makakasama!

I can't imagine myself beside her during the whole event! Baka magmukha lang akong engkanto e. She's hot and she knows it. Alam n'ya talaga na maganda siya kaya naman alam n'ya paano ito ipapakita.

"Amber and Brittany sent me a message asking about you, gusto mo bang pumunta sila rito pagkatapos ng party?" Mila asked out of concern.

"H-hindi na. Baka lalo akong mabinat." I coughed. "I mean, baka kasi alam mo na lalo akong mapagod."

I even faked my laugh to suppressed what I feel. Baka hindi na ako gumaling kung pupunta pa rito si Amber at Brittany. Tumataginting lang naman ang lagnat ko ng 41.1° kaya baka mahawa pa sila at masisi pa ako.

"Si Mama?"

"Nasa salon si Tita, nagpapaayos ng buhok. Hindi ba n'ya nabanggit sa 'yo?"

Natigilan naman ako sa sinabi ni Mila. Hindi n'ya 'yon sinabi sa akin at alam ko naman na alam n'yang may lagnat ako. Hindi na makakapag-hintay ang pagpapa-rebond n'ya? Hinang-hina ako rito pero mas inuna pa n'ya ang kan'yang buhok.

It made me wonder what I did wrong to deserve this kind of treatment. Okay naman kami noon ni Mama pero magmula nang dumating si Mila para bang hindi na n'ya ako anak.

Hindi naman ako ampon dahil halos magkamukha kami ni Mama! I can't help but fill my heart with envy once again.

Kung maganda ba ako tulad ni Mila, will I be as loved as her?

Sinandal ko ang aking likod sa headboard ng aking kama. I watched as Mila fix herself in the mirror before finally going outside.

She's really pretty. I wished I could be her even for just a day. Baka sakaling mahalin din ako ni Mama nang mas higit pa sa kan'yang anak. Maybe all of my insecurities are rooted from this. My own flesh and blood prioritizing someone who is prettier and has more potential than me.

Nakakatakot lang na kung sino lang ang may pakinabang o kung sino lang ang nakikitaan nila na mapapakinabangan nila ang binibigyan nila ng respeto. A toxic family culture that I can't get myself out of.

Kahit nangangalay ang aking kamay ay binuksan ko ang aking cellphone. I didn't want to die out of boredom. I checked upon my tweets and saw that Gio was posting on his stan account. Napangiti naman ako dahil tuwang-tuwa siya noong nag-follow back ako. Feeling n'ya naman ay verified na siya.

ILYSM @allforpaulene
Ano kaya costume n'ya mamaya. Huhu sana terno kami 🥺 kung nakikita mo 'to, mamaya rabbit 'yong costume ko sana carrot ka.

My eyebrows almost flew to my hairline in surprise. This guy can really say the most innocent thing but it sounds different! Hindi ko lang alam kung sadya ba dahil sobrang inosente n'ya?

♡ @rippedseokjins
will not attend our halloween event! :'< next time na lang siguro! i'm sick.

Agad na may nag-notif sa aking phone. It was from Gio and he was asking for my address. Napatingin naman ako sa orasan at nakitang medyo maaga pa. I have no company right now, at nahihiya man ako aminin pero nalulungkot talaga ako na hindi ako makakasama.

A few minutes passed and I heard the doorbell. Sinilip ko pa kung sino 'yon sa bintana at nakita na si Gio nga. I smiled and even with a weaken state, I was the one who opened the door for him.

"Hello," namamaos kong bati.

"Nasaan sina Mama?" Gio asked and laughed. "Ay, Tita pala muna. Sorry, nag-advance lang ako nang kaunti. Marketing strategy ko lang 'yon."

Napangiti naman ako at pinapasok siya. He even rejected my invitation. Hihintayin daw n'ya muna sina Mama. Agad na kumunot ang noo ko.

"Bakit naman?"

"I just don't want to. . ."

He feebly scratched his nape. Lumingon pa siya sa kan'yang likuran at mukhang nahihiya. Pero hinila ko na agad siya papasok dahil nilalamig na ako sa gate. Gusto ko na bumalik sa kwarto ko. It's not like he'll do anything. Pwedeng-pwede ako sumigaw ng saklolo, marami namang tsismosa sa paligid namin. There are thin walls between the houses too.

"Uminom ka na ba ng gamot mo? Hindi ba dapat may notebook?" Gio asked while examining my room. Hindi n'ya sinara 'yong pintuan. I smiled at that gesture.

"Notebook?"

"You should at least check your temperature every now and then. Tapos dapat ay alam mo kung anong oras ka uminom ng gamot. First time mo bang magkasakit?"

Kumunot ang noo n'ya. He looked at me with disbelief. Para bang pinapabayaan ko ang sarili ko. He did that to me, he wrote a schedule for me to check my temperature and even prepared my medicine. Nagpa-deliver pa siya ng pagkain namin.

"Hindi ka ba hinahanap ng mga kaibigan mo?" mahinang tanong ko habang binatuhan siya ng isang tingin.

He was fixated on my laptop. Nanonood kami ng RUN BTS. We're having a marathon while he's trying to take note who's who. Minsan napapakamot na lang siya ng ulo dahil napagbabaliktad pa rin n'ya si Taehyung at Jungkook. Ang layo kaya ng itsura no'ng dalawa! Pero hindi ko mapigilan na matuwa dahil ngayon lang ako nakakita nang ganito ka-effort na tao. He was really trying.

"Hinahanap." tugon n'ya. He ordered Korean fried chicken for the both of us, kaya naman kumakain din kami habang nanonood.

"Pwede mo naman akong iwanan na, I'm okay. . ."

I don't want him to neglect himself because of me. He deserved to enjoy that event, ang balita ko talaga ay masaya 'yon. I even anticipated in that event, nagkataon lang na nagkasakit ako. I don't want him to miss that fun.

"Paulene," he called. "Kung masaya ka na sa isang lugar, will you still leave?"

"No?" I frowned and he smiled.

"That's my answer. I won't leave if I'm already happy even if there's a place that could make me happier in the eyes of others. Masaya na ako sa 'yo, Paulene."

My heart felt like it's about to convulsed. Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin. His words always feels like home of love and comfort.

"Paulene, kaya mo pa rin ba ako mahalin kahit hindi n'ya ako kasing puti?" he randomly asked while pointing at the screen, pertaining to a member.

"Oo naman? Saan naman kasi 'yong pag-ibig doon? Sa kutis?"

"Kahit hindi colorful buhok ko?" he looked at me with a questioning stare.

"Hairstyles will fade eventually too. . ." I countered back.

"Even if I'm not as tall as him?" tanong n'ya habang may ngiti sa labi.

"You're already tall though. Maliit lang naman ako kaya. . ." I halted my words and looked at me. Malawak ang kan'yang ngiti.

"Ikaw ha! May pagasa pala ako sa 'yo!" he teased while pointing at me. Agad naman akong namula at umiling.

"Wala akong sinasabi! Gawa-gawa ka? Desisyon!"

"Pinaganda mo lang saka pinahaba mo pa. Ang ibig mo lang naman sabihin ay kahit mas gwapo sila sa akin, you'll choose me right?" aniya na parang batang nagmamalaki. Bwisit.

"Nagwagwapuhan ka sa kanila?" I asked to divert his attention. Although, mga gwapo naman talaga ang main group ko. It is just some boys particularly in our country seemed to have a different belief due to their toxic masculinity.

"Oo naman!" proud n'yang saad. I can't help but beamed at him.

Napapalakpak pa ako. I didn't tell him the reason but I'm glad he isn't like the others who make fun of them. Hindi naman kasi nila deserve 'yon. And it's not like the insult that they're throwing at my fave group is true and should be classified as disparaging. Mababaw lang talaga sila para mainggit nang gano'n.

"Pero Paulene, don't you notice? That I'm not like those boys you adore so much but it doesn't mean you love me less. I may not be the same as them but you can still love me." He stared at me with genuine adoration and concern. Agad naman akong napalunok.

"Sino naman nagsabi na mahal kita?!"

"Well, you called me first! You can call your other friends!"

"B-busy sila? They probably attended the party too. . ." pilit kong nilulusutan ang pahayag n'ya. That's right, he was the first one who came in my mind. Pwede naman si Philo pero. . .

"I'm not buying it! Your best friend didn't even attend the halloween party. May curfew daw." he shrugged off, moving some of his hair strands that's blocking his face.

"How did you even know?" my forehead creased as I stopped the video from playing. I'm being distracted!

"Sa aso n'ya!" sagot ni Gio.

"Walang aso si Philo!" I hissed. Bawal kaya siyang mag-alaga! I know since she deeply wanted to have a pet but her parents won't let her.

"Meron na," halakhak n'ya. "Bestfriend pa nga n'ya e."

Buong araw lang kami nag-marathon ng RUN BTS at kumain ng korean fried chicken. He only left me alone when I was drowsy and I really wanted to rest. Pinainom n'ya ako ng gamot at nag-set ng alarm para sa schedule na ginawa n'ya sa notebook ko.

Kinabukasan ay nagulat ako nang mabasa ang schedule na ginawa n'ya. Sa pangit n'yang handwriting ay may iniwan siyang isang mensahe sa gilid ng notebook na sinulatan n'ya.

Psalm 139:14
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

You may not see your worth right now but know that God and those who love you (including me!) knows that you are wonderfully made and you'll always be worth it because you were created out of love. — Gio

❛ ━━━━━━･❪보라해❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜