Kabanata 10

"May subject ba tayong Research in Daily Life?"

"Practical Research," I answered Melay's question. "It's almost the same. Iba lang 'yata ang tawag."

I dreaded for this day. Alam ko na panakot noon ang research sa mga incoming senior highschool. Nagkaroon naman kami ng baby thesis no'ng junior highschool, sana lang ay makatulong ito ngayong nasa senior high na kami.

Second semester na agad kami. Bumilis ang oras at hindi namin namalayan na tapos na agad ang unang semester. Sa senior highschool, nahahati kasi ang apat na grading. The first and second grading are considered to be the first semester while the third and fourth grading are in the second semester. Mas nakakabaliw na 'yata ang mga subject namin ngayon.

"Paulene," Zafirah called my name. Kagrupo ko kasi s'ya sa practical research. She's really responsible, pero madalas na sumasakit ang ulo n'ya dahil may mga hindi tumutulong.

"Na-double check mo ba lahat ng RRL? Please make sure that none of our RRLs are plagiarised."

Tumango naman ako. Malapit na kasi ang mock defense namin. Halos lahat ay kabado dahil medyo biglaan ito at hindi naman kami lahat ay may alam na sa pag-defend ng isang research. Baka umiyak na lang siguro ako kapag hindi ko na alam ang sinasabi ko.

I was thankful that we were busy for the following days. Mas gugustuhin ko pang tumapat sa aking laptop at mabulag sa kakahanap ng mga mali sa research paper namin kumpara sa palaging pagiging balisa dahil kay Giorgion San Pedro.

He would pester me relentlessly. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ba ako ang hinaharot nito! Kapag ako humarot pabalik—! The heck?!

I nibbled on my lower lip as I closed my eyes and counted up to ten. Pinapakalma ang sarili dahil kahit wala siya sa aking paningin, all I can think about is him. Gano'n na lamang ang naging epekto sa akin ng isang Gio.

Maybe because I haven't seen Jeremy? Kaya naman namumunga na naman ang damdamin ko na pilit binabaon sa lupa? Naiinis ako dahil hindi ko ito kayang pigilan. I might just believe him and I might just get hurt because he's like the others too — kaya akong ipagpalit agad.

There's a part of me that knows not everyone will act the same. Pero sa tuwing naiisip ko na halos paulit-ulit lang naman akong pinagpapalit, hindi matanggal ang agam-agam sa aking puso na baka nga totoong walang pipili sa akin.

That I wasn't good enough for someone or for anyone.

"Pau, stop pigging out." saway ni Amber sa akin. I immediately stopped biting on my burger. Napatitig ako sa kan'ya dahil sa bahagyang pag-asiwa ng kan'yang mukha.

"I'm not," tugon ko.

"Alam mo bang nakakataba 'yan? Do you even know the calories you get? Ilang linggo ka na puro burger at fatty food ang kinakain. Are you not even conscious that you'll get fat?" Amber pointed out which made me look at the grease on my hand. It made my stomach churned somehow. Ang gutom ko kanina ay unti-unting umatras.

"Stress eating?" Brittany asked, lifting a brow. "That's a bad habit."

I know. Hindi ko mapigilan ang bumuntonghininga. Totoo naman ang sinabi n'ya. It is a bad habit but it's my way to cope with stress. Lalo na ngayon na halos tambak kami ng gawain dahil sabay-sabay na naman ang deadlines.

We were currently at the cafeteria. Kahit pilitin ko na iwasan sila ay hindi ko magawa. The other friends that I have already built their relationship. Natatakot akong bigla akong ma-outcast at sisihin pa nila ang sarili nila kung bakit hindi ako maka-relate. Titiisin ko na lang naman ang isang taon kay Brittany at Amber, I could always start anew next year.

It isn't that easy to cut cords of friendship. Lalo na kung alam mo sa sarili mo na binigyan mo sila ng halaga at puwang sa iyong buhay. Ang hirap bawiin no'ng panahon at oras na nilaan mo kasama sila. Even if all I ever wanted was genuine friendship, it feels like it will take time before they treat me with the equal respect that I have towards them.

Sunod-sunod ang araw kung saan pinupuna nila ang pagkain ko. The amount of food that I took everyday kept on dete​ri​o​rat​ing. The days gradually change, sumabay ang bawat pagbawas ng intake ko ng pagkain. I feel like I'm easily full whenever I am with them. Hindi ko alam kung bakit madali akong mabusog.

"Ang taba mo na, Pau." Amber pointed out as she pinched the extra skin I have on my arm. "Hindi ka pa rin ba nagd-diet?"

"H-hindi na nga ako kumakain ng break time e," I responded. Nanginginig na ako sa gutom kasi hindi rin ako kumain ng umagahan. I only took a cup of coffee.

"Pero bakit ang chubby mo pa rin?" Ngumiwi si Brittany at nilapag ang mga kubyertos n'ya. I look at her meal and immediately salivated.

Napatingin ako sa kanila ni Amber. They were slim and slender, magaganda ang hubog ng katawan kahit sa totoo lang ay kumakain pa rin naman sila. Mas madalas pa nga sila kumain sa akin.

I wonder what's wrong with me then?

Their endless trail of pointing out my chubby face, the extra layer of skin on my body and how I'm not even putting much effort on losing weight made me more conscious than ever. Lalo lamang lumagapak ang kompiyansa ko sa aking sarili.

I wished I could be as confident as others whenever someone points out their flaw. I hope I could act nonchalant but it matters to me the most. My physical appearance matters to me because I think it's the only thing that people appreciates. It is what matters to them the most too.

Kaya naman nilalagay ko sa isang supot ang pagkain ko at patagong kumakain kapag wala si Amber at Brittany. Dumating pa nga sa punto na ayokong may nakakakita sa aking kumakain dahil pakiramdam ko ay bibigyan din nila ako ng mga tingin na nangiinsulto.

I sighed. Nahuli pa nga ako ni Philomena noon. I got scared that she'll figure out. Ayoko na isipin n'yang pabaya siyang kaibigan. Kilala ko si Philo, iisipin n'yang may pagkukulang siya sa akin. When in fact, everything stems from me. Sa akin galing lahat ng ito.

"Pau," Gio gently called my name which made my heart fluttered.

Isa si Gio sa mga nakakapansin sa pag-iwas ko kay Amber at Brittany tuwing kakain ako. I don't know if he knows it already but I know that he already has a clue.

"Bakit?"

"Sa CR ka kumakain?" Gio winced, ako naman ay unti-unting umawang ang labi.

"H-hindi. . ." I stammered, looking down in the process.

"Hindi kita sinilip, ha? Nakita ko lang na galing ka roon buong lunchbreak?"

Tiningnan ko s'ya at nakita ko ang pagaalala sa kan'yang mga mata. He looked worn out just by telling me of that fact. Para bang pagod na pagod na s'ya sa pagpapaalala sa akin. Gio always looked worried when it comes to me.

"Dahil ba ito sa mga kaibigan mo na naman? Friendship goals masyado, ah?" he snickered, sarcastically.

"H-hindi, Gio —"

"Paulene, bakit ba di mo sila kayang iwan? Do they really matter to you?"

"Oo naman —"

"Pero ikaw? Do you think you matter to them?"

Natigalgal ako sa kan'yang pahayag. The words that I was supposed to tell him couldn't surpassed my mouth. Nanatiling nakapako ang aking mga mata sa ibaba. Hindi ko kayang tingnan s'ya nang diretso.

"Hindi mo ba naisip 'yon? Na baka ikaw lang pala nanghihinayang sa pagkakaibigan n'yo?"

"They are my friends, Gio." I told him firmly. Umiling-iling pa ako para ipakita sa kan'ya ang di pagsangayon sa sinabi n'ya.

"Friends won't let you feel that insecure, Paulene. To the point that you'll eat in the bathroom? Really?" naiinis na saad ni Gio. "Para lang ano? Hindi ka nila masabihan nang kung anu-ano? Why won't you just cut it off?"

"It's not that easy!"

"Madali lang naman sabihin na sobra na sila, Paulene. If you can't tell them that, ako na mismo —"

"Kaibigan ko sila, Gio! Sila lang meron ako!" naiiyak na saad ko, agad naman na natigilan si Gio. "P-paano kung pati sila mawala? T-tapos ang layo pa sa akin ni Philo! I e-even think that Philomena has new friends! Kasi. . ."

"Kasi s-sobrang dali ko lang naman iwanan e." I cried, agad ko naman itong pinalis. I didn't want to feel that they're bad friends. Kahit na parati nilang pinaparamdam sa akin ang mga pagkukulang ko, kaibigan ko pa rin sila. May pinagsamahan din kami, ayokong maging masama sila sa paningin ng iba.

"Ang d-dali lang nila akong iwanan. Kapag m-may nakita silang mas o-okay o kaya'y mas maganda, mas matalino o mas talented — kayang-kaya nila akong mapalitan. I'm not that special, Gio. They are my only friends right now." I blurted out despite trying to contain my sentiments.

It was easy for him to make friends. He was everything that I'm not. People would never leave Gio because he's someone worth keeping while I'm not. Kaya paano n'ya ako maiintindihan?

His eyes softened and a gentle smile slowly formed in his lips.

"Paulene, I'm your friend too." He gently patted my head. "Sa akin, okay lang kung kakain ka sa may lamesa at upuan. Pero kung trip mo talaga sa CR, sasamahan kita. LDR nga lang tayo kasi bawal ako pumasok sa girl's restroom."

I couldn't restrain my smile anymore. His hand gently comb my hair. It made me close my eyes. Nakakaantok ang ginagawa n'ya. But it's comforting too.

"You don't have to force yourself to other people. Some may like you but others won't too. That's okay, you don't even like everyone, Paulene. That's why don't expect that everyone will like you too."

"Ang mahalaga ay important," he chuckled, ginulo ang aking buhok. Agad naman akong napabusangot sa ginawa n'ya.

Kainis! Hindi marunong mag-seryoso! But his words always seem to reduce the weight I'm carrying in my heart.

"Ang mahalaga may mga totoong nagmamahal sa 'yo. You are loved by those who see your worth, Paulene. And believe me, marami sila at di mo lang napapansin dahil ang nakikita mo lang ay ang mga may ayaw sa 'yo. Don't force yourself to be liked by everyone. You're not here to please them, anyway. Live your life the way you want it to be remembered."

❛ ━━━━━━･❪보라해❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜