no one had to tell her because she already knew.

han killed, ren the killer.

so simple and yet she didn't foresee it.

usually she had an instinct for these kinds of things. she thought of it as a gut feeling but was often told it was the force at work. but the force had bent into forms she couldn't comprehend, or she had been too focused on the other part of the mission, destroying what would have destroyed the entire resistance.

she had thought about han because she wanted him to be safe, and she had thought about her son because she wanted him to come back. but it had just been thoughts. she was a general. she had to pay attention to the larger scale, not just the individuals she cared about.

so she hadn't foreseen it. even if she had, what could she have done? she couldn't have gotten a message through to han fast enough, that kind of communication wasn't available. she didn't know how to use the force to get a message through to ben. she couldn't have done that, either. she only could have stopped it if she hadn't started it.

she did not want to regret that she had told han to go to him. she had believed so fully, and hoped so completely, just as she had when she was young. maybe, after the endless years that her son had been away, he could come back. it wouldn't be easy. not after acting as a puppet of the darkness for several years.

but now neither one of them was coming home.

it was easy to feel helpless now. feeling like she had a decision earlier, a way to patch a hole that didn't exist yet, plagued her. she had to keep reminding herself that while things could've gone differently so much of it was out of her hands. not in a helpless way. in a way that there was nothing more she could do by worrying if there might've been something she could've done.

han wouldn't have wanted that. he might not even want her to grieve. there was no avoiding that, though. but none of these details, none of these if only's. only trying to figure out what to do next, now that kylo ren had killed his father.

maybe she would never forgive him. maybe she wasn't capable of it. and how could she blame herself for that? gone was her husband and her brother and her son. all of that came from kylo ren. without kylo ren she would still have a family, while now she had nothing. less than before. there was no coming back and it was his fault.

was there hope? was there another way?

it hadn't been instantaneous. the force, it seemed, let her know that much. there was more than just kylo ren laying eyes on han and taking him out immediately. there was more. there was something like compassion, something like longing.

it was so hazy. it was so hard to tell.

but perhaps not all his blood was cold. that was hope. that was hope that maybe things could be worse though they were awful.

besides that. there had to be hope outside of the two men she kept thinking so much about. distracting herself - no, not distracting, just placing her thoughts elsewhere - would help her to heal. if this was even something that would allow her to heal.

there were others she loved. others she fostered and felt a connection, a push to be a mother for even though she couldn't place why. she would love them and teach them as much as she could manage.

but born with ben was doubt. maybe she couldn't be a good mother. and she thought we could've done better but she had done as much as she could for ben. yet he had turned away completely. if she couldn't place every point where she had gone wrong, she couldn't reassure herself that she could mother anyone else without them falling either. everything looped back around to him, her son, who she had lost so long ago but maybe now for good. she couldn't tell yet.

work would be her sanctuary. fighting against the first order, attempting to maintain some good in the universe even when all was going wrong. these battles were escalating into complete war, surely. the resistance was a cause she cared about. she was devoted to it, completely. or she tried to be. she would continue trying until something changed and she couldn't any more.

she would love and she would work. that was what she had done her entire life, and this would not be any different. she prayed so. maybe, for a few scattered moments, she would forget that han was dead and that her son was the one who killed him. maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much. maybe she could work, she could fight for good and light and anything but the suffering that was laced into her life.

but it was unrealistic to think those moments would happen so soon. how could they? time was necessary. she didn't have any of that, and she couldn't get any.

she would think of her son. she would think of her husband. she would ache, and ache, and ache. she would get so used to aching that she might not feel the ache any longer. it would become a part of her. it would cloud her vision and her logic and she would forgive herself for it later because she was grieving.

perhaps for her own sake, she hoped that once the haze of grief passed she could close her eyes and feel that same haze within a part of kylo ren that had been buried. that would be ben. that would be remorse. that would be her son, her blood.

then, maybe, she could forgive him.