Nag punas ako ng luha habang naka titig kay Saiu. Tulog na si Rihan sa kwarto namin at ako naman bumaba para sana kumuha ng tubig ng makita ko sya na umiinom mag isa. Siguro dahil sa buntis ako kaya madali akong maapektuhan ng ganito.

Sai sip his brandy while looking nowhere. Ako naman ay sumimsim sa baso ng gatas na hawak ko. Kanina pa kami naka upo dito at nag kukwentuhan.

It breaks my heart seeing him like this. He's my friend. And he treats me the same. He's been open to me the the whole time, siguro nag hahanap sya ng kaibigan noon na makakausap tungkol sa problema nya. Masasabi ko na kahit papaano, marami na akong alam agad tungkol sa kanya.

"Stop that.. Hindi maganda na gabi-gabi nag lalasing ka." Pag babawal ko. His turquoise gray eyes met mine. Nag baba agad ako ng tingin dahil sa malalim na titig nya. I saw him smile bitterly.

"I saw Isaiah today. He was so good playing piano and I couldn't help but to get so proud of him." His eyes sparks. I felt the fondness immediately covered my heart as I saw him smile. A proud smile. "He is a big boy. You see, pag mag katabi siguro sila ni Eve ay mag mumukhang bunso ang anak mo. He's good looking. Kamukhang-kamukha ko sya." You can hear the genuine love of a man in him.

"Did you talk to him?" I know how much he wanted to see him. Pero narito sya sa hacienda para lumayo. He shrug his head and took another shot. "You must be missing him so much."

"Yeah.. But I don't have the right." the bitterness in his word came out as if it was being hidden for a long time.

The day I met him, I knew something was off. Hindi ako nang himasok o nag tanong sa kanya. Its just that one day, I found him coming to me. He was drunk and wasted. Ako naman ay nag hahanap noon ng pagkain dahil na rin siguro lumalaki na ang bata sa tyan ko.

He was devastated and I don't know what to do. Hindi kami ganoon na magka sundo pero sya ang laging kasama ko dahil minsan lang din naman ako maka lapit kay Rihan. Abala sya sa kambal.

Hanggang iyon, nag open up sya sakin. I was surprised when he told me he has a son. Older than the twins. He showed me some picture of him, and the boy was really good looking. He has all the features of his father.

That was not my story to tell. All I know is that he's separated to Isaiah's mother.

"I never want him to meet me.." His eyes met mine again. I saw the sadness in those piercing eyes. "But deep inside I want him to know me. Pero sino ba ang gugustuhin na kilalaning ama ang isang drug addict?"

Again, my tears roll from my eyes. He think low of himself. I can feel the pain he has as a parent.

"You'll be better. I'm sure of it."

He smile to me. "I won't. I will never be the better person my son needs. Never."

After talking with him nauna na ako umakyat. I know that the twins are already asleep. I sent them to bed earlier. I was walking toward our room. Hindi ko naman sinasadya na marinig ang boses ni Rihan. Pero alam ko na may kausap sya. I don't know if I should walk in or not. Something tells me to go, but my body don't want to.

"Maybe."

His voice was soft. As if he doesn't want to hurt the person he was talking in the phone.

"I know it better that anything, Rion. I want my children. I want them all."

Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig ng banggitin nya ang pangalan na iyon. I thought we're okay? Nag iinit ang bawat sulok ng mata ko habang naka titig kay Rihan na naka ngiti. May mga kinang sa mga mata nya na kahit kailan di ko nakita sa tuwing kausap nya ako. Wala akong marinig sa mga sinasabi nya. Pero nakikita ko ang ekspresyon na binibigay nya. Daig ko pa ang biningi.

Ang sakit sa dibdib. Parang piniga ng mahigpit ang dibdib ko habng tinititigan ko ang asawa ko na naupo sa kama. Tumawa pa ito habang nilalaro ang balahibohing itim at pulang kumot sa kama. Unti unti akong humakbang palayo lasabay ng pag bagsakn ng luha ko. Hindi ko na kaya. Ang sakit na masyado.

"Wait me and I'll tell you."

Yun ang huling narinig ko bago tumalikod saka nag tungo sa kwarto ng kambal. Niyakap ko ng mahigpit si Eve na nakayakap naman kay Rei. He's going to take my children again. I thought everything will work. Akala ko lahat ng pag hihirap ko, mawawala na dahil maayos na sya makitungo sakin. Samin ng mga anak namin. Pero mali na naman ako.

"Hmm.. Mommy.." Ungot ni Eve. I buried my face to his side. His arms wrapped around my neck. I felt him kiss the side of my head. "I love you mommy and goodnight." He said in a sleepy tone before drifting back to sleep.

I cried that night. I tried to wash away the pain but it failed. kinabukasan ay nagulat na lang ako dahil maagang dumating ang mga kaibigan ng asawa ko. Remembering him, may sakit na gumuhit na naman sa dibdib ko.

My eyes shut open. Nabalik sa kasalukuyan ang isip ko ng makita si Dad, Rei's behind him.

"Where are you going, hija?" bakas sa mukhang nya ang pag tataka.

When I look at Rei, her eyes water. She immediately run towards me and hug me tight. I did the same. Kumawala ang hikbing kanina ko pa itinatago. ang hirap na mag kunwari. Nilingon ko si Dad ng hawakan nya ko sa braso saka giniya sa upuan sa living room. He wipe my tears, worry is visible in his aristocratic face. Those green intimidating eyes showed sadness and pain. My arms wrap round him.

"D-dad I'm so sorry.. we're broken.. Hindi na namin maaayos ito." Iyak ko. Hindi ko na mapigilan kahit na ba nasa tabi ko pa ang anak ko. "Hindi ko na po kaya.. Suko na ako. Ang sakit sakit na."

Akala ko kasi may maaayos pa. Kahit yung pinaka maliit na chance ay pinatulan ko para lang magka ayos kami pero wala pa rin nangyari. Baka hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa. Ang pag hikbi ko ay nauwi sa pag hagulgol. Pakiramdam ko may pumipiga sa puso ko habang pumapatak ang mga luha ko. Hindi ko na kaya ang mag kunwari pa, ang sakit-sakit sa dibdib. Nakakapagod rin ang hintayin na mahalin nya ako pabalik. Nakaka pagod umasa. Sa maikling panahon nalimutan ko ang tungkol sa babae nya. Sa maikling panahon na kasama ko sya ay akala ko sakin ang buong atensyon nya pero hindi.

Behind my back, she's still the one my husband wants.

My eyes averted to the person who entered my room. Dad was standing at the door frame with sympathy in his eyes. I smile bitterly and look outside the window. Its been a week. I miss my twins. I miss them so much. It pains me remembering that Rihan didn't try to stop me. There's no emotion crossed in his face when I walk passed to him that day.

"Honey, there are fresh fruits I brought from Davao. I thought you want some so I had sliced some of it." He walk towards me and put the plate with different fruits. "Eat up. My apo surely want some."

"Thanks Dad but I'm not really hung--"

"Rihan has been trying to reach you out. I don't want to tell you this but your husband has been begging me to see you. I don't want him in my house knowing what animosity you had experienced from his hands.. If only I knew it.." His grim voice made a pang in my chest.

I'm surprised.

I can't feel anything.

"Everything is okay now, Dad.. I know we'll be fine." I tried to smile but I saw how dad's expression turned cold.

I caress my protruding belly and look again outside. Nang wala nang makuhang sagot sakin ang ama ko ay lumabas na sya ng kuwarto. He knew everything. I told him everything. Wala akong tinago sa ama ko dahil sya na lang ang alam ko na makakaintindi sa akin. Hindi ko sya masisisi kung yung dating pagka gusto nya sa asa- sa kanya ay bigla na lang nawala.

I felt the little movements in my belly, napa ngiti ako dahil masydong active ang baby sa sinapupunan ko.

"You're hungry baby girl?" I asked smiling. The baby kicked and it made me shrug knowing what she wants. "Alright. I'll let you have some but just a small portion only, okay? We have to get our diet or else Mommy will have the hard to have you out of my body." With that, naramdaman ko sya na umikot ikot sa akin na para 'bang kuntento sya sa nakuhang sagot.

Matapos kumain ay nag desisyon ako lumbas. I don't want to bury myself in self pity while my husband is having good time with his woman. If he can live without me, then I can too. I won't stick to my word that everything revolves to him. I should start living in my own. Maybe without him my life will at peace.

I was busy looking at the baby clothes when someone stood beside me. His big hands took a clothe and checked it. Yumuko lang ako para sana hindi iyon mapansin ng hawakan nito ang mga kamay ko. I was taken aback in his sudden movements and my surprised reaction turned to soft one when I saw a crept in his lips. I tried to say something but it feels like there's a lump in my throat.

"Hi." His baritone voice made jump a little.

I'm not sure what to answer so I lift my hand and tried to wave at him a little. "H-Hi.."

Hindi nakaligtas sakin ang mata nya ng bumaba iyon sa tyan ko. Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi ng mag angat sya ng tingin sa akin. May mga ngiti pa rin sa labi nya na alam ko na hindi aabot sa mga mata nya.

This is awkward.

"How along are you?"

Nag angat ako ng tingin sa kanya saka ngumiti.

"I'm.. I'm in my thirty second week." I don't really know how to respond in his question. "How are you?"

"I'm good. I don't know how weeks of pregnant women works. But I'm glad you had a baby in you. A baby girl I presume?" Gail said looking at the pink dress I'm holding.

"Yes." I know he's trying to make things light between us. I haven't seen him for so long and the last time wasn't really good.

Tumango lang sya bilang sagot kasunod non ay ang nakabibinging katahimikan. Wala nang nag salita sa amin kaya binitawan ko na ang hawak saka ngumiti sa kanya.

"I'll be going first, Gail. It was.. Really nice to see you again and.. And I'm sorry about--"

"Its okay.."

I don't know why my eyes heated when he pulled me towards him. His arms wrapped around my back while caressing my hair. I know he only did was to love me. And I didn't know how to pay him back. He was a good man to me. He did everything for me and the twins. If only I could love him that time. If only I can change the person I love, maybe Gail and I worked. It just.. I never thought of him other than a good friend whose willing to save a damsel in distress like me.

"Its okay. I knew from the very start that I have no match to him. Siguro umasa lang ako na kahit papaano magugustuhan mo ako. And I'm willing to grab that small chance, but it never happened." He said in a whisper. It broke my heart knowing I broke his. Dahan-dahan syang lumayo sa akin saka inayos ang ilang hibla ng buhok ko na tumabing sa aking mukha. He wipe my tears using his thumb and force a smile. "You're beautiful, Erin. It breaks my heart knowing you're crying because of me."

"I'm sorry Gail. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for everything.." I cry.

He looked alarmed when I couldn't stop crying and everyone is already looking at us. He grab my hand and pull me out of the store. Kung saan nya ako dadalhin ay hindi ko alam. Huminto lang kami sa food court ng mall saka nya ako pinaupo sa isang bench duon. He raked his fingers through his jet black hair and his oceanic blue eyes met mine. Naiyak na naman ako na kinataranta nya. Hormones!

"Hey! Relax, okay? I won't do anything to you, baby.. Baka kung ano na ang isipin ng mga tao na nakakakita sa atin nyan." Tumango ako trying to suppress my sob.  "Good. Do you want to eat? Anything."

Tumango ako. Kanina pa rin ako nagugutom. "Shawarma.. Gusto nun. Lagyan mo ng melted cheese at saka tacos na maraming sliced beef. Saka apple juice and mango Panacotta." Nag pupunas ng luha na sabi ko.

His mouth opened. Pero hindi nya na itinuloy ang sasabihin saka tumango. Umalis sya sa harap ko. And it took him almost half an hour to have the foods we will eat. Naka lipat na rin ako ng pwesto na may table para mas kumportable na kumain.

"Can you finish all that?" Kumunot ang noo ko dahil may nag lalarong ngiti sa mga labi nya.

"Yes. Why? I haven't eat this morning and I feel like I could eat a whole serving in a buffet." I said eating the tacos in my right hand while holding the shawarma in my left hand.

"Do you want me to buy you another?" There is worry in his eyes that made me stop from eating. Nahiya ako sa sinabi nya pero alam ko na ako lang ang inaalala nya. Umiling ako bilang sagot.

Saglit na katahimikan ang namayani sa amin bago ako nag salita. "How's Clooney?"

"He transfered back to Italy when the twins left. I could only see him when I go there twice or trice a month." naka ramdam ako ng lungkot dahil alam ko kung gaano nya kamahal ang bata. "How about the twins? I kind of miss them, especially Rei. She's a ball of joy that changed my preferences in life. Your daughter made me realize how delicate a girl could be without getting protected."

I smile to him. "They are okay.. Kasama na nila ang ama nila." May pait sa dulong sabi ko.

"He accepted him, finally." I nod. "How about you? How are you and your husband. Still a headache are we?"

Tumango ako bilang sagot habang nangingiti. "Ang daldal mo na." he blush and look away. Mas napangiti ako ng malapad sa inasal nya.

"I miss you.." He suddenly said while looking at me. Nawala ang ngiti ko habang sya ay naka titig sakin. "It never changed Erin. since the day you left, it didn't change a bit. I still love you."

Pabalik balik ako sa pag lalakad. Hindi ako maka paniwala sa sinabi ni Gail sa akin kanina. Parang gusto ko na lang pag sisihan na nag kita kami dahil sa nalaman ko. After he said those words ay wala nang nag salita pa sa amin. He insist of taking me home pero hindi ako pumayag. I'm a married woman and also very pregnant. I don't want him to be a man he don't deserve.

Dumeretso ako sa kusina para uminom ng tubig ng marinig ko ang sigawan mula sa labas. That voice is from my Dad, but I don't know who he was talking to. Kunot noo'ng nilabas ko iyon saktong tinulak ni dad yung kausap nya.

"Dad!" Tili ko. I run towards him and hug him. his face is void of emotion as he was looking at the man in front of us.

His broken nose and bleeding brows is the first thing I saw. His green eyes turned to darker shade as he met my gaze. He stood straight and about to reach me when my dad pull behind his back.

"I won't let you lay your finger in my daughter ever again, Rihan!" Galit na sabi ni Dad. I saw him shrug his head and was about to come close to when my dad push him again. This time it has more force and he almost slam his body on his car. "Lumayas ka sa pamamahay ko! Ibinigay ko ng tao ang anak ko sa'yo pero ibinalik mo sya na mas masahol pa sa isang hayop ang trato. Nasaan ang pag papalaki sayo ni Rodrigo? I can't believe he raised an animal like you!" Nag pupuyos sa galit na sigaw ni dad. I can feel the heavy breathing from him And I'm scared this would end up to something bad.

"Go away Ri." I said in a cold voice. I look at my dad and caress his back. "Come on Dad. Let's go inside.."

We turn our back to him but I felt Rihan grip my arm. Nahinto kami ni Dad sa pag lalakad at saka sya tinitigan. I gave him an emotionless glance. I saw a ghost of pain in his eyes but I know more than anything that it was just his ego.

"Leave before I call the police!" Dad.

"Dad please let me talk to my wife.." my husband said in a begging tone and look at me. "Wifey please lets talk about this.. Lets fix this." Hinawakan nya ang kamay ko saka iyon hinalikan ng marahan pero inalis ko iyon saka umiling.

Pagod na ako mag paka tanga sa gaya nya. Marunong ako mapagod at marunong ako mag mahal sa sarili. Puro problema na lang ang napapala ko pag kasama ko sya. I always think about him. I always want the best for him. I always put him first before anything else. This time I want to think about myself. Especially the baby I'm carrying. I need to be healthy and out of stress so there won't be any problem once I gave birth to the baby.

"Leave Rihan. I don't want to see you again. Mas mahihirapan tayo na kalimuta-"

Hindi ko natapos ang sasabihin ko ng hatakin nya ako para yakapin ng mahigpit. Akmang lalapit si Dad ng umiling ako. Galit na nauna itong pumasok ng bahay bago ko tinuon ang pansin kay Rihan. Nanginginig ang mga braso nya habang mahigpit na naka palibot ang mga iyon sa akin. I know it took all his strength not to pull that close because of the bump between us and I took that opportunity to push him away.

I gave a cold glance before looking at his car. "Go." Malamig kong utos saka tumalikod ng maramdaman ko ang braso nya sa katawan ko. Binaon nya ang mukha sa balikat ko saka marahang umiling. "Stop it Rihan. Pagod na ako makipag lokohan sa iyo."

"Don't say that baby.. don't do this to me. I'm so sorry.."

My eyes heated at what he said. He said sorry.. But it didn't reach anything a single braincell in me to change my decision. Pagod na ako. pagod na ko umasa sa kanya. Baka hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa dahil sasaktan lang namin ang sarili kung ipipilit pa namin ito.

"Come on baby.. i will explain everything. Ayaw ko ng ganito. Ayaw ko na galit ka sa akin.. Ayaw ko na mawala ka ng tuluyan sakin." Bulong nya pero imbis na sumagot ako ay pinilit ko na makalayo sa kanya.

Pakiramdam ko ay may sumuntok sa dibdib ko ng nahahapong sumandal si Rihan sa sasakyan nya at napa hawak sa kanyang buhok. Ginulo nya iyon at nag susumamong tumingin sa mga mata ko. Nangingislap ang mga mata nya sa pag pipigil ng luha humihinga ng malalim. Nag init rin ang bawat sulok ng mga mata ko habang naka titig ng diretso sa mga mata nya.

Pagod na ako.. Pagod na ako sa ganitong sitwasyon.

"Erin mag papaliwanag ako.. Please don't do this to us." hirap na sabi nya saka suminghap upang pigilin ang tuluyang pag basag ng boses nya. "Nag sisisi ako sa ginawa ko sayo. Nag sisisi ako sa lahat ng katarantaduhan na nagawa ko sayo at sa mga anak natin. Nakikiusap ako sayo ayusin natin ito. Baby I don't wanna loose you again. Ang hirap-hirap na wala ka.."

"You choose to loose me Ri.. Minahal kita ng walang hinihinging kapalit. Minahal kita bukod pa sa pag mamahal na ginawa ko para sa sarili ko. Hindi pa ba sapat na sinaktan mo ako ng paulit ulit at lumapit ako ng paulit ulit para gawin mo na naman ito?" may hinanakit na sabi ko habang nag pupunas sa mga luhang kumawala sakin. Gumuhit ang sakit sa dibdib ko ng tuluyan mag tuluan ang luha nya habang naka yuko. "Isa na lang ang gusto ko na gawin mo para sakin.."

"I'll do everything baby. I will do everything para patawarin mo ako. I'm really sorry." Umiling ako sa sagot nya kaya kumunot ang noo nya. Naka titig lamang ako sa kanya habang lumuluha, unti unting nanlaki ang mga mata nya at napailing ng maintindihan nya ang gusto ko iparating. "Hindi Erin.. Ayaw ko makipag hiwalay, naiintindihan mo? I can't take another night without you."

"Forgive me Ri but I will give up on you now."

"No!"

*Rihan's

It felt like my heart shattered to million pieces as she said those words. Nahirapan ako huminga at parang lumobo ang ulo ko sa mga katagang iyon. Parang lumutang ako sa ere at napagtanto na nasa lupa ako ng mang lambot ang mga tuhod ko. I can feel my life being sucked to the ground as the color of my face escaped. It hurts.

It is more painful than seeing her with that man again. I followed her the whole day and I took all my strength not wring that fucker's neck trying to hit on her again. Masakit pero pinili ko ang panuorin sya sa malayo habang may ibang lalake na naka alalay sa kanya at ginagawa ng mga bagay na dapat ako ang gumagawa.

"Hindi mo ako pwede sukuan.. Kung kailan.."

Kung kailan mahal kita..

"Kung ano? Kung kailan nagagawa mo ng bilugin ang lahat ng tao sa paligid mo? Grow up Rihan. Hindi lahat ay aayon na lang sa gusto mo. I'm sick of being with you.. Bumalik ka na lang kay Rion." May pait sa boses na sabi nya saka tumalikod.

This is now or never Rihan..

"I can't Erin."

She's walking away and this might be the last time I'll get close to her.

"Come back to me I need you."

She didn't listen.

"Erin I'm telling you come back to me!" I shout.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang pag basag ng boses ko kasabay ng pag sasalita ko.

"I'm begging you Erin, please come back to me because I love you."

My heart died when she turn around to me and smile bitterly.

"Its too late. I won't believe in your lies anymore."