The gun is under my pillow.

Cold dangerous metal under soft cotton sheets. I am painfully aware of that every second of the day. Even more when I feel the hardness through the limp, worn pillow against my temple; or when Roan plops on my bed and asks me about homework; or when Mom picks up the dirty laundry next to my closet in the room.

It's probably not a good hiding spot, but it will have to do in our skin-tight, cramped house. After all, it will only stay tucked under the cotton sheets of my pillow for one more night. That is it—one more night.

The door to my room abruptly opens, and I quickly retrieve my hand from under the pillow. Marli walks in and falls on Roan's bed back-first.

She stares at the ceiling and says nothing, her midnight hair fanned out on the comforter. She smells like citrus, the same perfume she's worn since I've known her, and I imagine her laying the same way in a field of oranges, lemon, and grapefruit.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" Marli asks after a while.

"Yeah, in freshman year."

"No," she says, tilting her head to look at me, "the exact moment we saw each other."

My memory has always been hazy so I can remember how we grew to like each other, but not the exact point we had the first conversation together. "Not really. But we shared a class together—I guess we became friends then."

Her lips tug in a smile. "Do you remember Nick? Robotics class, comical glasses . . ."

"Of course I do," I laugh. "You liked that kid for three years. For what reason, I will never know."

"You guys were partners in Physics class, and I sat behind you. I remember how scared and intimidated he was of you, and I never understood why. You didn't have your scar back then," she says. The memory faintly trickles its way into my brain until I can picture it and imagine myself in the scene. I'd completely forgotten about it until now.

"Anyway," she continues. "He didn't have any acne the beginning of freshman year and a lot of girls super crushed on him. But you—" she clamps a hand over her mouth and giggles "—scared the living shit out of him. He asked if you guys can finish a project at your house and you told him 'the homeless man under my house is too loud for that'. You said it with your whole chest, not giving a single crap about what he thought, and he just kept staring at you."

I grin at her as she explains the memory between fits of giggles. "This is what made you wanna be friends with me?"

She picks herself up and leans on her propped elbows. "I guess you were everything I wanted to be. You thought of something and just acted. People can want to say things, want to do things, but they rarely ever follow it. Not you, Sage."

The smile on my face fades a little. How do I tell her that this is exactly how I ended up with a gun under my pillow and a permanent hold over David Roman? It's best I don't tell her then. If she finds out, she will stop me. I just know it.

Suddenly, Marli stands up and opens the door to my closet. With her slender back to me and a hand on the door, she turns her head to me and smiles. "Well, are we getting you ready for the party or what?"

I force myself to memorize every part of this frame. Her cascading, silky hair, the glasses perched on the crown of her head, the one-cheeked dimple that pops out when she smiles. I want this image to be embedded behind my eyelids every time I rethink my choice.

I smile and nod. "Let's do it."

༺༻

The bass thumps in time with my heartbeat as though they were one, filling me from head to toe. The music is so loud my lungs feel like mush and my senses dull with the background.

"You good?" Theo's warm breath washes over the sensitive skin of my neck, and I tingle all over. His eyes twinkle, reflecting the colorful probe lights.

"Yeah," I say, and nod. "Just taking it all in."

Zale really lives up to his reputation, I think as I watch a shirtless guy cannonball from the top floor where we stand into the pool below us. He splashes blue-purple water into the air, and I feel it spraying my ankles. Next to me, Zain leans dangerously close over the railing, bellowing a joyful laugh, a spilling cup of alcohol in her hand, and Tave holds her back by circling her waist.

"Let me jump, Tave," she whines, stumbling in her heels.

"Baby, you don't even know how to swim," he says patiently and steadies her by the waist.

But she won't have it. She pouts at him and juts the cup into his chest before turning to Theo. "Dance with me."

"Zain, I don't dance." His lips twitch in amusement.

Zain grabs his arm and tugs him to the dance floor behind us. "I wasn't asking, Theodore."

I laugh when Theo throws me a troubled look and his eyes widen. Then, he disappears into the crowd, following Zain.

"Oh man, this is going to be fun," Tave chuckles, hooking an arm around me. I'm thankful for his support and allow myself to lean into his warmth.

It's difficult at first but we finally spot Zain and Theo somewhere in the mass of the crowd. They seem to be arguing at first until Zain throws her hands in the air and Theo sighs. She starts to twirl around him, swaying her hips to the beat while her wild, curly hair does a dance of its own. It takes a while for Theo to relax his stiff movements, and soon enough they're dancing hand in hand to the Spanish song. He smiles and twirls her, making her throw her head back and laugh. I guess he can do anything if he puts his mind to it.

"Are you wishing it was you instead of her on that dance floor?" Tave has to yell over the roar of the music.

I gasp at his words and look at him with wide eyes. The thought of being in Theo's arms like that does seem appealing. I imagine his strong arms around me, hard chest against my head, and his rich rosewood scent surrounding me as we lock eyes.

When I realize what I'm doing, I snap myself out of it and look back at Tave. "Why would you say that?"

"Are you really asking me that?"

I shrug nonchalantly. "I don't even know how to dance."

"That's not even the point," he teases.

Tave stares at me so knowingly that I splutter and stammer, not knowing what to say. "Oh, shut up, Tave."

My gaze flits back to our friends on the dance floor, still swaying to the beat. Theo's eyes meet mine as he twirls Zain again and my breath hitches in my throat. There's a tightness in my chest when I turn away.

"You should let go more," Tave says.

"Let go?"

"You always look so tense and on edge. Like you're forever preparing for something bad to happen."

"I don't . . ." I begin to say something but realize that he's right. Zain said the same thing when we were on the Brooklyn Bridge. To other people, this is how I seem at the surface. Only a few people really understand what goes on beneath the surface.

"See? I'm right."

I roll my eyes and direct my gaze back at the pool below us. A few people mill around in it, their shadows glowing in the water and stunning lights. I spot a tan blond head in a gripping, red dress sitting at the edge of the pool. A dark-skinned guy rests his head on her lap, one hand in the pool, the other holding a red cup. Yvonne and Atlas. Yvonne meets my eyes and sneers at me from below. I feel a jolt of pleasure at her looking up at me like this.

"How deep is that?" I ask.

"Deep enough." Tave shrugs a shoulder. "Dean just jumped into it."

I think of how cold the water might be, of the electrifying shock that will zing through my nerves if I jump in.

"Don't tell me you're going to jump in," Tave says cautiously.

"No, no, of course not," I say. "I mean . . . maybe." I shake my head. This is crazy; I'm fully clothed. "No, I won't."

Zale Hunt meets my eyes from below. He cups his hands over his mouth and yells, "Jump in, Sage!"

Atlas glances up at me and raises an eyebrow. A weird thrill makes me want to listen to Zale. Maybe it's the four shots I drowned, maybe it's the ecstasy I got from locking eyes with Theo, maybe it's Tave's words about my letting go. I don't know what it is, I don't know.

"As if!" Yvonne laughs mockingly and Emory joins in with her.

And that does it for me. I bend down and untie my shoelaces, slipping off each shoe with quick movements.

"Sage, don't do it," Tave warns.

"Didn't you just tell me to let go?" I stand up straight and tie my hair back, my limbs jittery with excitement.

"I didn't mean this!"

I pull my phone from the waistband of my pants and hand it to him. He takes it reluctantly and shakes his head. Shakily, I hang the first leg over the trailing and carefully pull the other one over. My knees are weak as I lean against the railing behind me, and I grip the cold metal to steady myself.

The roar of the music mixes with the cries of the crowds. I spot different pairs of disbelieving eyes, letting their cheers propel me forward.

I remember Marli's words. Don't think, just do it.

Don't think, just do—

I'm falling. Time slows down and seconds turn into minutes. I am here and not here, hanging in infinite for a split second. I'm unstoppable and free and limitless.

Then, there's water.

It's so electrifyingly cold, I open my mouth to scream, but the sound is drowned out by the chlorine water that fills my jaw. I fall deeper into the water and force my eyes open, watching my dark hair flow without gravity before my eyes. The music dulls down to a low hum, only distinct by the bass. Everything is quiet until I push my head out of the water, and it is everything but.

My vision blurs through droplets of water sticking to my lashes and lids. I wipe my hair away, and an elated laugh bubbles from my chest at the exhilaration. All around me, people open their mouths, screaming at me things that I can't decipher.

I glance at the floor above us, my eyes searching for the familiar face of my friends. I spot them leaning against the railing, sharing similar expressions of pride and delight. I only catch Theo's eyes for a second before he turns away and disappears into the crowd. My heart tugs in disappointment. Does he think it was stupid?

I feel an arm around me and turn to see Zale's kind grin. "That was amazing!"

"Yeah," I laugh breathlessly, my mind faintly lingering on someone else.

But a second later, I see Theo pushing his way into the crowd. He stands at the edge of the pool with a towel in his hands. The sight brings me unbelievable comfort and relief.

People make way for me as I waddle in the water to the stairs. Only when I step out, the water dripping and sliding against my limbs, do I realize the implications of my jump. I'm wearing black jeans and a very light, white top I borrowed from Marli. A few guys whistle and heat rushes to my face. I can only look at Theo as he watches me walk to him. His eyes flit below my face for only a second before he looks up again.

He wraps the warm towel around me, his arms sliding over my shoulders.

"Thanks," I breathe out.

The tips of his ears turn red, and he looks away. "Let's get you to somewhere warmer. You're going to catch a cold."

I clutch the towel tightly around my figure and follow him through the crowd. He leads us to a second kitchen, different from the one where everyone lingers around for drinks and snacks. He must've been here before, seeing as he's friends with Zale. This kitchen is quieter and, thankfully, empty.

I take a seat on one of the bar stools lining the granite counter and watch Theo as he rummages through the cupboard. He turns on the boiler, and he pulls out different packets and cups as the water boils. Then, he hands me a warm mug.

"What is it?"

"Chamomile." He smiles at me. "It'll keep you warm."

"Thanks." I smile gratefully at him and gingerly take a sip. I taste the honey mixed with herbs, and its warmth wraps around my chest.

He grabs a chair and sits in front of me, gazing at me with an unreadable expression. My heartbeat quickens.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Why'd you do it?" he asks in response.

The yellow liquid swooshes to the rim of the cup from my trembling hands. I place it on the counter. "I wanted to."

He looks at my shaking hands wrapped around the mug and puts his hands around mine, long fingers sliding over my knuckles so that I'm painfully aware of how warm he is in contrast to me.

"You wanted to?" His eyes focus on my chin, and my lips, and my nose, then they zero on my eyes. I shiver.

"Y-yes." My teeth clatter against each other. "There was nothing holding me back."

"You're freezing," he mutters before holding my other hand and pulling me towards him. I let him wrap his arms around me as I stand between his legs. His familiar warmth is a blanket that stills my shivers, and I snuggle tighter into his chest.

"I wish I was more like you." I feel the vibrations of his voice in his chest.

I slightly lean back to face him. His words stun me. "What?"

"There's nothing holding you back. Nothing stands in the way of what you want to do. All the time."

"What about you?"

"I'm different. There's a million things I have to think of before doing anything," he says thoughtfully, and I remember how his obligations to his family stopped him from speaking out on David. This is what we're talking about right now, isn't it?

I place my palms on his chest and look at him through my lashes. "Nothing can stop you from doing what you want, Theo."

For a second, his darks eyes are on mine, and he's quiet. Then he touches my face and leans in close, brushing my lips with his. Soft and warm. My eyes shutter closed.

The loud bang of a door opening makes me spring back. Zale and Idris stumble with booming laughter before they notice us sitting by the counter.

Zale's eyes dart between Theo and me apologetically. "Aw sorry man, we ran out of cups in the other kitchen."

Theo clears his throat, his eyes meeting mine for a fleeting second. "No, it's alright."

My cheeks flood with heat at the knowing look in Idris's eyes. "We have to go anyways. Zain and Tave are probably worried." I say it to no one particular, unable to meet Theo's eyes. We both know very well that we are the least of our friends' worries.

"Yeah, probably," Theo agrees, and we leave the kitchen, my head and heart as light as my steps.