Chapter-by-Chapter Review and Overall Review for _surreality

Specific Areas: Showing not telling, if a chapter could use more material, if something seems off, tense swapping, my opinion

CHAPTER 1

At the very beginning of the chapter, you do an amazing of job showing, not telling. 

In this extract, we know immediately that the main character is being hunted. You paint images with words like 'uncoordinated human limbs splaying out awkwardly in the air', which in one sentence shows us that she's transformed, how this feels etc. You also do an amazing job of using all kinds of sensory imagery. The short sentences make the emotions more intense, and the writing flows.

However, one of the first 'off' things I noticed was the fact that every sentence started the same. This makes it repetitive, and may be a turn off. Five consecutive sentences begin with 'she'. While I love the way those sentences were written, it might help to change the sentences around a tiny bit to change the beginning. 

Last on this (in my opinion admirable) introduction, you've included several interesting details I hope you'll comment on later in the story - like the necklace.

As the chapter continues, you reveal information about her family, like her father's history. However, there were a couple things I found confusing. "She knew that they would come back for her once they'd found her," is somewhat baffling. Why would they come back for her after finding her? Whoever is hunting her, why not come after her in the first place? Unless you mean 'come after' as chase or hunt. Furthermore, for the beginner's eye, it's not clear that she hasn't escaped due to territory boundaries. Also, if she's on her old pack's grounds, why haven't they smelt her yet? If the alpha can mind-link with anyone, couldn't he with her? (Assuming she's been expelled from the pack, this might be different?)

Apart from my slight bewilderment (which is okay, because we assume it'll be cleared up later, although adding a few details may help against initial bafflement), several things are told instead of shown here. We are told about her family's history - in a way that paints the scene, true, but since you asked to be told where you're telling instead of showing, this information could be shown. 

Next, you also tell us her freedom means more to her than anything else. This reads well, so it's possible you don't need to change it, (I think a little bit of telling is fine, even helpful, among the showing) but you should be aware of it. It might help to compact the sentences, "Her freedom meant more to her than anything else in the world. If she were caught, she wouldn't be executed, no, worse; she would be bred," into something like, "She shuddered at the thought of capture. She wouldn't be executed, no, worse; she would be bred." However, I'm not sure if you should change it, or how. 

You also tell us that she's lost faith. How does faith play in the werewolves' lives usually? Presenting this contrast could show us how she's lost her faith. However, I especially like the sentence, "The only werewolf she could rely on was herself." This sentiment seems important to her character, and I love the way you clearly know her well and are able to depict this entire world with nice writing and good grammar! "Her life was a small price to pay to bypass the suffering some were going through as she ran." Another sentence that shows insight, not only into her thoughts, but into the world her story is set in. While suffering herself, it also highlights the fact that she minds less suffering with her freedom, while she wouldn't allow her own suffering without it.

Next, "Her sense of direction had always been impeccable, but the only thing she knew from running so suddenly and making so many turns was that she was far from home." What if you show this, too? Perhaps the surroundings smell different than at home. Maybe we then see her confusion, and discover she's used to having an impeccable sense of direction. Maybe we discover that she feels even more tired and weary, now that she knows she must have run the large distance to the edge of the border, since the wolves' territory is very large (as stated in the next sentence).

After this, your chapter continues to be action-packed. The pace and flow are impeccable. "Her scent went through everything - mud, leaves, forests, streams, fields. Anything that could possibly confuse those tracking her." Again, this description is very helpful to depict her flight and add sensory imagery. One thing, however: werewolves are meant to be right behind her. We find out she's been running a long time, but when did the wolves stop chasing her - especially after being close enough to bite her leg? 

Finally, wouldn't the MC be very careful not to get caught? She'd probably hide, wouldn't she? Or is there no way to hide in enemy territory? If her freedom is more worth than her life, I would expect her (especially with her strong sense of willpower) to find some hiding place. Because she does get caught, it might be helpful to show why (e.g. that it's a very barren landscape. Or perhaps she does hide, and we discover later that it simply wasn't good enough - unless you want to foreshadow that within the chapter itself, instead of telling us later.) 

But overall, your description and action-packed chapter is wonderfully written and very readable!

CHAPTER 2

The first sentence is great, but the second contradicts it and tells instead of shows. Why is she focused on her breathing if she's calm and relaxed? Is it because her breath is the loudest thing in the room? Could you show us her calmness through the description of her breaths and the things she's noticing? These details could all make the scene even more vivid. Other things you could show instead of tell:

- What makes it peaceful? Does she hear birds? Does she see light yellow walls when she opens her eyes? Are her eyes even open? If so, it might be good to discover she's somewhat groggy/her eyes are unfocused.

- Her senses returning too slowly. 

However, the third paragraph of the introduction (snap-shotted above), is really well-written, with plenty of showing. The rest of the chapter is the same. You write the MC's thoughts without having to tell us she's thinking it, you use body language to represent the interactions between the MC and the girl, and you reveal more of the MC's background. It's great that you introduced her capture this early, since it begins the action much faster and keeps the reader hooked. Apart from being the reviewer, I'm really enjoying the story, and I read it very quickly. 

CHAPTER 3

The first sentence of this chapter feels a bit repetitive, being like chapter 2 (although that might also be because I've read these words several times). However, you've use this sentence construct before - so be careful of that later in the book. I've watched plenty of book reviews with complaints about the author using the same language and descriptions over and over. Also, can you show us her warmth and comfort? 

On the other hand, I love the insights you present like "Life was much better when it was a dream." This is a lovely quote. Continuing onwards, the next two paragraphs show the actions really well. "Everything was forced," feels a bit unnecessary and awkward (since we already know she's using her willpower to force herself up), so it could be left out.

Also, why would 'temptation [...] be the death of her'? She's just survived, asleep. I might expect wariness, but also curiosity. She's already mentioned that the bred suffer a lot, yet she's been left to relax. I agree she'd still be afraid, but I think other emotions like confusion would be mixed into it. Also, you tell us the girl "(judging by the sounds and facial expressions)" only looks up when the game on her phone is over. Could you show us what those sounds and expressions are, even minimally, instead of telling us when she looks up? E.g.: "At periodic intervals, the beeping from the girl's corner of the room would stop, and clothing would rustle as a thin face peered over at the person she was babysitting." (This is just an imperfect example to show what I mean).

Meanwhile, her silent, mistrustful reaction to the girl seems reasonable and realistic. "She was wary, albeit curious, but she didn't let her guard go down for a second," is again telling. Keeping only the second part of her sentence, and perhaps showing her curiosity, may already show us her wariness. 

After that, I love the way you describe her reaction to Cayce's name! Following that, you again do a great job of showing her thought processes. Cayce's answer to her question, too, shows a lot and seems characteristic, which I find difficult to achieve with dialogue. The only confusing/possibly uncharacteristic comment is the MC's thought, "The amount of attitude and spirit that [the girl] had as a female was truly unbelievable." The MC herself seems strong and determined, regarding herself as a great fighter. Did all the females in her family have no attitude? Or did she expect herself to be special as a woman? Why does she consider females to be mellow instead of spirited? 

After that, you describe Cayce as sweet and kind. It might make Cayce's character seem more cohesive by showing that despite her somewhat... eye-rolling (you can choose the right adjective) attitude, Cayce discovers a certain softness from her unruly nature and ease to her words. What I mean is that rephrasing this section might help. Especially: if we're told the MC thinks Cayce is sweet and kind, why does she only believe her 'to a certain extent'? These facts together are not fully cohesive. I hope what I mean is clear - you're welcome to ask questions.

One more thing: if Cayce has never been threatened, why does she say the person who brought the water is someone she'd trust her life with? Is she perhaps aware of the hate against the royal family? I guess I'll see as I continue to read ;). 

Next, I like where the character's thoughts are going, but one more thing seems confusing. In the first chapter, the character clearly thinks finding her mate would be too lucky - because she'd never have the time or possibility to find him. Yet in this chapter, she discovers her mate is here, and that he's been looking after her. Still, she doesn't react very strongly. 

I like that she doesn't immediately trust her mate. However, she mentions as the reason for an option B escape route, that 'She couldn't rely on her mate to be able to protect her fully until she knew his status in his pack.' Yet the fact that she's currently safe with a babysitter hints that her mate has a high status... Furthermore, considering her fighting ability and independence, it also seems somewhat unlikely (that she wants a full protector). Perhaps that's just me though. Lastly, it might be helpful to introduce her thought of escape as one that is lingering in the back of her mind, since when I read it, my first thought was, Why does she want to escape soon if she's safe and not on the run for a long time, and definitely not suffering? I assumed she wanted to do it no matter what - before realising that no, she just wanted an option B. 

This idea is further emphasised when she discovers she is in Royal territory and decides that'll make it easier to escape, while afterwards declaring that she trusts Cayce not to poison her. It might be beneficial here to delve further into her hate for the Royals, perhaps with a scene from the past, or to show us her reaction more closely. Also, consider (because you write Royal territory with a capital) whether you want to write 'the royals' as 'the Royals' or not.

This may seem like a lot of criticism for your chapter, but I'm being very fussy about consistency of characters. You write beautifully. Your dialogue works well and reveals characters' tendencies and emotions. Your body language descriptions add action and keep the story being interesting. I do hope, however, that she'll soon be out of bed, so that the scenes change and more characters/memories are introduced to keep the reader hooked!

CHAPTER 4

I have mixed feelings about this chapter. The interactions between her and her mate seem realistic enough. Some of it, however, felt a little forced. There seemed to be too many thoughts: it would have been nice to have more showing (her flinch at his touch, followed not by an internal dialogue, but a somewhat shorter, more concise expression of her thoughts. Instead of telling us, 'but someone she didn't know was especially crossing a line in her mind', it might be good just to say, 'This stranger was crossing a line, whether he was her mate or not.' What I mean is, some of her thoughts could have been expressed in less words (not that less thoughts should be present).

On the other hand, some details you've presented as thoughts are very interesting and also consistent with her character. Her being mentally ill-prepared to meet her mate, her expectations of disappointment, her belief that all men are selfish... Her actions, like wanting to pay him back, also make sense, as does her mounting anger (although it seemed a little forced at the beginning). 

At the end of the chapter, you describe her hating being dependent on him. This clashes with the last chapter, where she wanted someone who could protect her. Again, using a flashback or an elaboration of her feelings towards the royals would help here to show this change in attitude - that she wouldn't rely on her mate if it meant giving up her hatred/forgiving them (we don't yet know what happened before. Giving us a hint might help?) 

At the same time, referring back to what we already know about her having to train to run again augments our curiosity. Why did her family train her to run? The mystery is helpful, although shouldn't be drawn out too long without the reader getting hints.

Finally, one more thing that may have been 'off': the Royal's assurance that she'd be his mate. 

Meanwhile, the overall encounter is socially interesting. Their staring at each other shows some of the momentousness of their meeting (which could be further enforced ;) ) His acceptance of her feelings, like discomfort, makes the reader more likely to accept the Royal. Her bitterness makes sense. I like the way you're writing. Although, I do think a change must happen soon - that we need to receive more information about the past, or change scene, soon (if not already in this chapter) to heighten the mystery by including new, but not fully revealing, information.

PS: I've left a few other comments on the chapter for constructive criticism. 

CHAPTER 5

I stand by my belief that some kind of flashback/conflict could be added in one of these chapters. However, this chapter was quite enjoyable! I loved that we found out a bit more about her family and background (like the allusion to her father's smirk or the story about the jesters). The only critique I have to offer is that, at times, some of the insights she had from Lester's speech weren't immediately clear, such as when she assumes Lester doesn't take things seriously from his words, "You don't get out much, do you?" It makes sense that she explains why she doesn't trust him, but it might help the flow/cohesion by hinting right after he asks the question, that she connects it with his taking the reason for her distrust too lightly.

The fact that we discover the two character's names, as well as her sharing her wish, not to be bred, were lovely. It was nice to discover more about the characters, and you describe their meeting well, while showing their expressions with skill. Again, Dahlia's reactions (like walking on her own) were more consistent in this chapter. Kudos!

OVERALL REVIEW

You have an intriguing premise as your plot. This shows itself not only in your writing, but in the detailed world-facts presented at the beginning of the book. These are interesting. However, the fact that people need to read this page of facts could be off-putting for some readers, even though you wrote it in an engaging way. The information presented there should, at length, become known to the reader during the story through hints in your writing (although a writer may choose not to present all the information, in which case your extra chapter is a great supplement). However, be careful not to rely too much on the reader going through your notes. You've written it in an entertaining, not unreadable way, but some readers may not want to read the entire chapter. Thus you need to show the world strongly in your writing.

However, having read six chapters (although I didn't review the last one), I have seen that you do include wonderful details, often in a concise sentence.  I enjoy the way you write, especially your descriptions of body language and your revealing dialogues. At times, some of the sentences are awkward (in the way that there's a word too much like 'that' or 'of') but this is very infrequent. Most of all, be careful that a certain part of the book doesn't go on too long. With my own book, the introduction used to be around 100-pages long. It turns out I only needed half that. I think you don't stretch it too long necessarily, but it would be good to review that. Adding a couple hints as to her past (just hints, not info blocks, mind you!) could also heighten the mystery.

Yet the mere fact that you write with a very nice flow, and in a way that it almost feels like the reader is experiencing first person despite the third person perspective, not to mention your grammar, makes the story very readable. The MC is also interesting and strong. I'll admit, I'm a bit tired of the men always being really pretty- so I really liked that you made him imperfect with an ugly laugh. So far, there also hasn't been any tense swapping (that I noticed/remember). 

Kudos - keep writing and improving! And please let me know if you need anything. 

Also, feel free to rate the feedback and tell me what I could've done better!