The Prologue: 

You use many beautiful words. What hit me hardest about the prologue was the way you elicited emotion in the reader immediately. You described a battle field in two sentences - and already the scene felt vivid! "Clamoring of their swords" - what beautiful word choice!

Things you can improve: Some phrasings were a little awkward, and some words could have been cut out entirely. For example, instead of saying, "the cheek of my face," you can say, "my cheek." A few of the words were also 'wrong': like "Standing in the roof of our house" should have been "Standing on the roof." I would generally just go over the grammar. The last sentence was "It's the King," which should have been in past tense. 

Also, I'd be interested know what the King sounds like. Instead of telling that his voice came in contact with your ears, tell me how he said it. Did he murmur? Did he whisper? Was his voice sombre or rather light? 

I'm curious about where this story will go. Even though it's clear the MC has a brother or lover going to the front lines, her heart raced at the sight of the King... You've intrigued me and made me question what this world will be like!

Chapter 1

The way you bring your world to paper is admirable. The tone of the story as well as the dialogue and the use of certain words all make the setting of this story authentic and real. Your dialogue, despite your misgivings, flows effortlessly, and you have a way of drawing emotions in the reader's mind while crafting relationships between characters. This is the kind of story I really enjoy - with distant lands. Your description of the King and the procession was beautiful, and you make the reader curious about Bathsheba's upcoming marriage (and also eager to see how it will develop). It was interesting that you chose to go back to a time before the prologue - I found this very effective! Also, the aesthetic element of your story is lovely!

Things you can improve: You frequently changed from past to present tense (and vice-versa). At times, you also didn't capitalise "King." Try to reread your chapter with fresh eyes for awkward sentences: they are the only thing slowing down the pace or the "flow" of the story. There were also some grammar mistakes: I would suggest employing an editor or running your text through a grammar app like Grammarly. 

Chapter 2

Again, you succeed in writing another beautiful chapter with fitting word choice. It was lovely to see from David's perspective, and the dialogue worked well once again. I especially loved the scene with Michal, showing that even the beloved David has his own concerns - and adding conflict to the story.

Things you can improve on: Grammar mistakes and wrong use of words like 'in' or 'on' were once again present, as was the change between tenses (especially at the beginning of the chapter). The main thing slowing your pace or possibly even turning readers away would be the relatively frequent word- or grammar mistakes. You write beautifully, so it shouldn't be too much to edit, but I would highly recommend going through everything, sentence by sentence.

Chapter 3

At the start of the chapter, you used a lovely simile: "Coming at me like a dashing horse," which I really enjoyed reading.

It was brilliant that you introduced Rebecca when Bathsheba stood on the roof, further adding mystery to the story. I thought the remembrance of Rebecca also added to character depth, giving us further insight into Bathsheba's character. Her difficulty to remember that she is no longer a child was also realistic and a fitting detail to write about. Furthermore, the relationship between Uriah and Bathsheba, and Bathsheba and Hanna has been crafted wonderfully to give a soft and tender impression.

Things you can improve on: As with the last chapters, you frequently change tenses, which makes reading harder. Many words were at times written wrong and sentences could be mixed up a little. However despite these mistakes (which I hope you will go over), this was an enjoyable read!

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Please remember to give credit via a shout-out or in the blurb of your book, and feel free to comment some feedback on my way of reviewing. You can also ask some questions if something I said wasn't clear. Good luck with your book!

-Hadley S.-