Overall Review - narushinjo

As soon as I read your first paragraph, I knew I loved your writing style. Simple and warm, it's easy to read and full of beautiful imagery. It also fit your plot. Although I haven't read far enough to know how it ties in with your title, I'd be happy to return later. I'm curious if there was a particular reason Xellie walked into the woods - in which case knowing it might heighten the stakes and the tension from the very start. 

So far, your story is fun but you still need to work on the suspense. The best way I'd suggest is by showing more than telling - an exercise I think will improve your writing a lot. While you already use lovely words (like miasma, a new one for me), you tell most of the story. This means there's a lack of balance between dialogue and description. It also means that you're narrating the story, telling us what happened. Try to make us jump into the story. You can describe in detail (I love that), but try showing us the scenes instead of telling us what happened. As a reader, I want to see what she sees, smell what she smells. I want to hear the song of the birds in the forest - and how it quiets when the demon arrives. I want to smell his stench and feel goosebumps crawl up my skin. Showing us the character's body language, her reactions - whether voluntary or not - and every step in the scene will add depth and vividness to your tale, enrapturing readers. Here are a few questions to consider:

- What does the place smell like?

- How does it look? What catches the MC's eye in particular? Is she more of a visual or auditory person, or is she more likely to notice how the handle of her sword feels?

- How does she move in reaction to e.g. the demon? There's one place you use beautiful description to paint an image of the fight: you say the demon's scythe comes very close to her red hair, describing the demon's movement as a 'swish'. (I pointed it out with an inline comment.)

- How does she find out about Hiraeth? Can you show us the scene where she's healing in bed in Hiraeth, and a stranger or perhaps Iyan's parents come in and they have a dialogue about Hiraeth, discovering bits and pieces at a time. Readers love to figure stuff out along with the main characters! The same happens a lot in Hiraeth: show us the scenes, show us her memories! 

However, when you did use dialogue, it was realistic, relatable - and the kind I could expect to hear outside. You already do well with speech, and the images you do paint in detail are beautiful, the descriptions not too heavy. While the above tips would make the writing more gripping, the concept of your story sounds great. You also wrote a good blurb (although there's one mistake in the first phrase: *in a world full of evil or *in a world filled with evil). 

Here are a few more things I noticed that you could improve on:

Occasionally, you didn't use Simple Past Perfect, also known as Past Perfect (Simple), when it was necessary. You also frequently had unnecessary commas, and some of your sentences could but cut down (although this is because I feel you have a lot of potential, and so I'm being a bit fussy). For example, you once wrote, "Shana came back into the room." A more precise word might be, "Shana returned to the room." This could be subjective, but it's something you could think about. 

Also, you often wrote dialogue labels after speech marks without using a comma. For example, "No." Shana said. should be "No," Shana said.

Also, I said I'd say a quick word about adverbs. Although you can use a few, it's recommended that writers avoid them as they can change the flow of the story. Also, some adverbs (like eerily, one I used once) are often meant to be shown in the tone of the writing. You use one adverb "reluctantly", for example. Is there any way you can portray Xellie's reluctance through her actions, words or your choice of descriptive words?

Lastly, I have a few questions about the plot itself (if you reveal them later, that's great, too!) Why did Xellie go into the woods? Was there a true motive other than doubting the trouble the demons made? Also, if her brother is a demon hunter, why does she feel so nonchalant about the demons? How did she get to Hiraeth? (I look forwards to finding out about this one!)

Overall, I really enjoyed reading your story and look forwards to reading more. I think extensive edits are necessary to improve the showing instead of telling, but your grammar was good in general and you did a good job on character development even within the first three chapters. Well done and keep going!

Please remember that I have (and probably still do sometimes) make the same mistakes. Feel free to ask about something or leave some feedback on how I can improve my services or how the experience was for you!