"Harry you can go." She kept telling me that, repeating me that she would be okay. But the due date was pretty soon, and I didn't want to miss it. She was sipping her tea, her hand caressing her big belly, sitting on the couch in our living room, her legs stretched out. She patted a spot, and it was incredible how the baby reacted at her touch, you could see the skin moving slightly, and I smiled like a happy idiot when I witnessed it, every single time.

I was standing there, watching her, listening to her, telling me to live my life.

"I'm gonna be fine, you're only a phone call away" she reassured me, insisting carefully to not hurt my feelings, as I sat next to her, and caressing her belly. I sighed, and kissed her cheek.

I knew I'd been a stalker since I'd learned she was pregnant. No one could tell I wasn't involved, because I truly was. I hadn't missed an appointment, and was present for her at any moment. Any crazy cravings she had, I had satisfied them.

I was there, committed to our new life, and unborn child. And she respected me for that, she could rely on me, she knew it.

Those past nine months had been an incredible experience. And made me grow up very fast. As the time passed, I knew what kind of man I wanted to be, what kind of a father I wanted to be. It had been a scary process, but in the end, I knew it was worth the stress.

Of course, my child wouldn't miss anything materially, but among anything, I needed to be a good man, and a good father, to raise a happy kid, especially that she would have a famous dad, and would live on spotlight, just as Freddie.

However, it took us some time to adjust, because we were just back together, and the parenthood happened very fast. We focused on the pregnancy hastily, and forgot a little about us, as a couple. People said it was normal. We were not kids anymore, we had to learn how to be parents, even if we had to push aside our own relationship for a while.

But I thought we were happy, together.

It had been such a challenge to not lock her up. As the press was involved, it had stressed me out, that she was drawing that much attention to her, and to the baby. Sometimes, the craziness of the fame could be risky. So, I hired body guards for her quietness, but I knew it was bugging her. When she went to shop for baby clothes, being surrounded by amount of paps was stressful. She had lost her intimacy. But she was getting better at this as the time went by. That was how her life would be for now on. Scrutinized by the media.

I had been nervous, the whole time. Read a ton of books, took classes, trying to be prepared, for the beginning of a new chapter of my life, with her, with them, the two girls of my life. I knew how to change a diaper properly.

Her belly had become pretty big. She kept complaining about the weight she gained, and how much effort it would take to pull her old clothes on after the pregnancy. But to me, she had never been that beautiful.

She looked insanely beautiful while pregnant.

It was such a new thing to me, and I had to say that the whole experience was amazing. Well, I had the easiest part, as she was the one having a baby in her belly, growing, every passing month. Every ultrasound was exciting, and new, discovering how she was developing, and being sure she was fine. She was making my heart beat, she was my reason the breath, and she was not even there.

When I learned it was a girl, my heart burst. It would have been the exact same feeling if it would have been a baby boy, but still. I was over the moon since I heard the news, and I felt I lived in heaven. I was definitely walking on clouds.

Knowing the sex allowed us to pick names. We struggled finding a name, but found the perfect one.

I couldn't wait to me her. I couldn't wait to hold her. But the wait shouldn't be that long anymore.

I was so excited to finally meet her, and there was no way I would miss her birth. Labor could happen anytime soon from now on. That was why I was that nervous to leave her.

But as Emma was annoyed by having me around all the freaking time, as she said. I decided to listen to her and go to the studio. I had a lot of work to do for my first solo album, and the pregnancy had definitely been a distraction. The recording process was taking way more time that it should have. But It was how it was. Life could bring some uncertainty from time to time, and you just have to deal with it.

So I let her be alone for a few hours, she looked too thrill for my ego. But she made me chuckle, it was obvious she needed some time alone.

*

Busy recording songs. John shoved his hand to me, drawing my attention, from the other side of the glass wall. Raising an eyebrow, I asked him what was going on. Was I singing that bad?

So I got out of the recording room and went to see him, he has his phone on his hand. I've received a call from Louis and I understood immediately. I rushed to my jacket, and dug my phone from the pocket. The phone was lighting, I'd got several missed calls and texts.

Shit!

Arriving at the hospital. Bouncing the doors opened, I asked the first nurse coming into sight, where the hell she was. The lady thought she was attacked, by my sudden approached. My heart was pounding in my chest, I thought at some point that it could burst, or I could faint. I hadn't been able to reach her, or Louis since I'd missed their calls, so I didn't know what was going on.

I literally barged in her room, like a crazy person. She was laying on her hospital bed, Louis on her side. Rushing in her direction, I tilted my head down to kiss her. "Are you okay?" I asked her, obviously worried, when I let her breath. f

"Is she okay?" I turned to Louis with pleading eyes. And he nodded letting me know she was fine, and she reassured me as well, chuckling at how freaked out I was.

I was a complete mess.

I couldn't believe I wasn't there.

I felt so guilty.

"Are you having the baby?" I asked, what sounded the hundredth question within the two last minutes.

"I'll wait in the lobby, and text the guys" Louis said, before exiting the room, leaving us some privacy.

"Yeah" she said, with low voice, she looked so tired. Sighing of relief again, I came over her, and kissed her forehead. She looked nervous, and I couldn't blame her. The next hours would be complicated.

"What happened to you?" I asked, with low voice, brushing the skin of her arm with my thumb, as I sat on the edge of the bed, beside her. Holding her. She wasn't feeling okay. She was staring at her hands, sounding shameful. "I fell. I'm sorry Harry, I got up and tried to catch something from the upper cabinet, and here we are... I had some bleeding, and called you immediately, as you weren't answering, so I called Louis". She was about to cry.

"No, no , no. hey it's not your fault, it's an accident." I tried to reassure her, locking my eyes with hers. Pushing aside her guilt. I was the guilty one, for leaving her. I should have known better.

"It could take time though, because she wasn't really ready, I kind of rushed it" she let me know, and I simply nodded.

And it took time.

24-hour labor.

I had the time to call everyone, my mother, Gemma, and the guys. Everyone was there. Waiting patiently in the lobby for what would be the best day of my life.

I had played on stages, in front of thousands of people, but I had never felt so nervous and impatient.

Finally, she arrived.

Emma gave birth to Carlie Anne Styles on March 28 at 2:27 in the morning.

We had an early bird here.

She was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. She had perfect little lips, hands, foot, everything was perfect. I cried, I cried when I saw her, and hold her. The nurse gave her to me, holding her, skin to skin, after removing my shirt. That was the most incredible feelings. I felt so proud, and so in love of this amazingly beautiful little human being, with I already had created an unbreakable bound.

My daughter.

**

After Carlie was born, my life went upside down. In a good and bad way.

It had been a real earthquake, that came through my life, and kicked it hard. It was nothing I was expecting.

She had brought so much joy, happiness, in my life. I was the proudest man on earth, she looked incredibly cute, and was healthy, and everything. But, when we took the baby home, there was no freaking book that could have prepared me, us, for this.

The lack of sleep was absolutely the worst, and Emma and I kept arguing. There was nothing she could do right, so was I. Carlie kept crying, and we weren't able to calm her down. We were too unexperienced, and it was exhausting us, we hadn't the code to decipher what she needed. Babies don't speak, they just cry and make noises, so it took us time to comprehend what she was telling us, and expecting from us.

We were grumpy all the freaking time. Blaming each other for not handling things correctly. Truculent sometimes. The nights were too short, and the days were too demanding.

Thankfully my mother came often to help, and it was definitely needed. At a point, she kind of moved in, because we needed her, so bad. It let us some time to rest, and sleep a bit.

But Emma and I kept arguing, anyway. And my mother was a witness of my life breaking, shattering in pieces, as I was powerless, things getting inevitably worse, frustrating me even more.

It had been months now, and we were more experienced with the baby, but we weren't fine. We weren't happy. However, the admission of failure had been done, we were too tired to handle it, and work on it. Probably also too focused on our kid, which was the easy way out, to avoid our real problems.

I was too busy with Carlie, and my album. I was gone pretty often, because of the promoting process. Was I selfish? I thought I was also taking care of her, but maybe not. Definitely not enough. Even if I stayed in England for now. The tour was supposed to start in a few months, and I knew that we weren't ready for being so far from each other yet, we weren't strong enough, on the contrary, we were currently too fragile.

Sadly, having a newborn had teared us apart. I didn't see it coming. I truly thought we could make it, easily. How wrong I was.

Every day, when I was driving home, that sorrow, that pain feeling, that guilt, came into my mind. I let her down, I let us down, and didn't know how to make it up for it. Where to even start...

I was just hoping that we were not at our breaking point already, that it was not too late. I didn't want to lose her. They said we had to learn to communicate, and only think about us from time to time, it shouldn't be that complicated.

Maybe I should take her on a romantic weekend. Just being the two of us, not worrying about the baby would be good for us. It definitely would be good, I had to take the time. My mother could take care of Carlie, as we would try to save our relationship.

I loved Emma, I loved her, so bad. But I was unable to show her, how I felt, because I was on edge, on the verge of my breaking point. It was too much pressure, too much tension. Being the man of the family, being a father. Starting a solo career, everyone having high expectations, while having a baby was giving me a hard time. But as things were complicated at home, I honestly, but shamefully felt relieved to leave sometimes, and just go on promoting events, escaping the destructive spiral of our reality. But she hadn't that chance. She had no escape. And stayed there, with a baby crying, and absent boyfriend.

It had been months, since we hadn't done anything. I knew she felt lonely, sometimes, that I wasn't getting close enough to her. I didn't know why, she had retrieved her pre pregnancy body, and looked absolutely beautiful, and the doctor said it was okay for us to start having a sex life again. But I couldn't touch her, I couldn't nestle with her, cuddling. What a bastard I had become. Wanking myself in the shower, while I had a stunning woman sharing my bed. What the hell was wrong with me. There was nothing else I wanted to do than fucking her, showing her how much I desired her. But again, I was unable to do so.

I hated that I was in that kind of position. To me it was a fail. My family was in bad shape, and I felt like there was nothing I could do. My family was on the line, I had to do something. Trying wouldn't be enough, I had to succeed. I had to wake up.

As the idea of where to take her popped up in my mind, and I was pretty happy about the whole thing, I stopped by the florist, and bought her the biggest bouquet of red roses the shop had. At least, it would show her that I care, and still think about her. Sometimes it's just about the little things... She needed attention. She needed me, and I needed her.

Pulling my car in the driveway, I grabbed the ridiculously huge bouquet from the passenger seat, and ran the few steps in front of the main door.

For a long time, I felt happy to go home. I wasn't nervous, or tired in advance. I was happy to see the two woman of my life, and spend the evening with them.

Well, three, as my mother was here.

"Mom" I said, confused, when I closed the wooden door of the house behind me. I kept my coat on, even if it was warm inside. She was holding Carlie into her arms, as she was having her dummy in her little mouth, at the end of the hallway. Her blond hair a bit messy, she must have been sleeping. She was showing her something through the window in the backyard, and she seemed pretty focused.

She turned her head in my direction, and frowned when she saw me. I didn't understand why she was looking at me that way. Why was she here to begin with?

The smile on my face disappeared when I met my mother's eyes.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, she was making me nervous, remaining silent. Her hand was holding Carlie's head, patting her little back, gently. "Harry" she started to say, walking over me, with obvious sadness on her facial expression.

I put down the bouquet, held it in my right hand, as I walked over her, staring at her, trying to decipher what was going on. "Is Carlie okay? Where is Emma?" I immediately asked. Why wasn't she there? The ambiance was odd.

It hit me.

The silence of my mother told me everything.

Throwing the bouquet on the floor, I turned on my heels and rushed upstairs, running the stairs, two by two, my heart pounding in my chest. I had a terrible feeling.

Barging in our bedroom, the bed was made, and I could feel the emptiness already. Hurrying to the closet, I opened the doors and only saw empty hangers. I heard that my mother was in the room, so turning on my heels, I faced her.

"Where the hell is she?" I asked, yelled. And Carlie started crying because of my shooting voice, she got scared.

"I'm sorry Harry, Carlie and I went for a walk, and I just came home, she was already gone". My mother replied, leaving me dumbfounded, as she tried to calm Carlie down, shushing her, saying in a whisper that everything is okay.

Nothing was okay. "What do you mean she's gone?!" I yelled at her, again. Unable to restrain my temper. I knew it wasn't her fault, but I couldn't help it. I'd never yelled at my mother before, but it was stronger than me.

She stayed quiet. How did this happen?

"How long?" I stepped closer to my mother, my eyebrows narrowed. I ran my hand though my hair, and looked at my surroundings, nothing in specific. I was boiling inside, tightening my fist to not scream the rage invading me.

"I don't know, maybe an hour" she replied, trying to calm Carlie, unsuccessfully. Pearls of tears flooding her chubby baby cheeks. I couldn't even care.

"She can't be that far" I snapped, and headed to the door, hitting my shoulder against the doorjamb. But my mother arm grabbed mine. "Harry." Her glance focused on mine, with empathy.

"No" I yelled again, and pushed her arm a bit too harshly, she stepped back and hurt the wall, seeming hurt, but didn't say anything. Carlie kept screaming, her face got red, and the dummy had fallen on the floor.

She stuttered, trying to speak, like she had an explanation that could make sense to all of this. "I should have known something was wrong, she looked so sad, and away, when she called me to ask me to come by" she muttered, with low and confused voice, avoiding my glare now.

"And you didn't tell me?" I snapped again, looking for her eyes. "Why didn't you call me!" I shouted.

"Harry" she said again, not knowing what to add.

"She can't be gone" I trembled. And headed to the stairs, and rushed downstairs, walking on the freaking roses. I was grabbing my car keys to go find her, she couldn't be that far, if she left only an hour ago. I was standing up by the counter where the keys and phone were, when my mother came into sight, alone. She had left Carlie in her crib.

"You can't drive in that state" she warned me, pulling her hand to grab the keys in my hand.

"What am I supposed to do? Do nothing?" my glare had never been that dark, and I knew she was on the verge to cry because of my shouting.

Pacing around, I dug my phone from my pocket and dialed her number.

"Voicemail" I snapped, and threw the damn phone to the floor, shattering in pieces. The sound of the break not calming me down.

"It can't be real" my both hands on my forehead, trying to contain my anger. But it was stronger than me. So I hit the wall, leaving a hole into the white fabric. Punching helped, but my mother started crying.

"It can't be real" I repeated, this time with pleading eyes. And my mother came closer to me, her both hands resting on my shoulders to try to calm me down. She was hugging me tight, and I rested my head in the crook of her neck.

The anger was replaced by reality. My reality. I was angry, but now scared, sad, and tired. We both sat on the small couch in the hallway.

"You'll be fine Harry" she said, with the voice that only her knew. Her reassuring words helped me to put my shit altogether, as my chest was puffing up and down, slower this time.

Salty tears appeared in the corner of my eyes, making my mother shaking "She's freaking gone" I whispered, "She's gone".

Thoughts? 

Love you XXxxx