The next couple of weeks were absolute shit.

And I thought last year summer was the worst... ever?

How wrong I was. What I was experiencing right now was thousand times the pain I felt back then.

Saying I had a lot to deal with was a euphemism.

Knowing that I wouldn't be able to work, I asked my boss for a few sick leave days, two at first, ending in a whole week. I pretended to scratch my throat and cough while on the phone with him, to make it look real that I got some terrible and resistant flue.

There was no way I could work with all I had in my mind right now. I wouldn't avoid reality forever either, but those days off wouldn't hurt anyone, and it would help me to process, at least a bit.

I needed time, to be sad. To be in the doldrums, without eating, without taking a shower, nor seeing the sunlight. I remained in my bedroom the whole week, and that's all I wanted.

During those days, I kept crying all the freaking time, laying in my bed as much as I could. My favorite position was to be all curled up in a fetal position, my knees against my chest. Surprisingly, it helped to ease the pain. It had to escaped, even if in a painful way.

Nothing could stop the tears from falling from my eyes, though, they were literally flooding my cheekbones, soaking my pillow case. Until my eyes became dry, nothing could come out after a while.

I had so much pain in me. My heart felt heavier than ever.

At a point I was worried that the state of depression I was in again wouldn't stop.

It had sort of shocked to me, the way I felt, and how hurt I was.

I'd worked on moving on during the whole past year. I sank low back then, and I thought that I was okay, now.

Maybe it was easier because he was far away. I didn't see him much after all the drama. And, because I had Zayn, then Ben.

Now Ben and Zayn were gone, and so did Harry.

I was mad at myself for not preventing a relapse.

What did I think? That Harry would be always there to catch my falling sky? That someday, he would finally say to me what I'd always wanted him to say?

Maybe I just thought that somehow we would be able to work things out, and be back together, for good.

Overthinking everything, I knew now that I'd never been over Harry. I just pushed the feelings aside. To me he was my first true love, not the love of my live. I'd never even realized how deep the feelings were, until I lost him, forever.

The pain feeling lingering, I knew that it would take time to go away.

So after a long week of leaving in my bedroom, I finally got up from my bed.

The first thing I did was to check on my phone. It kept ringing for days, until the battery died, I didn't even dare to recharge it. I needed to be alone, I couldn't talk to anyone. All I wanted was space.

When I turned on my phone, it kept beeping like crazy. Immediately, I felt bad for the people who tried to reach me, I knew that I surely worried some of my friends by disappearing like that.

I got a lot of texts and voicemails, mostly from Hannah and the guys. It took me some time to read it all and listen to them. Truthfully, they cheered me up, because it made me realize that I had so many people in my life who loved me. I wasn't very successful when it came to love, but I was definitely blessed by my friends.

When I was done, I texted Hannah, to let her know I was alive.

Hannah had been amazing, and such a good friend. She'd been so supportive, even if I gave her a hard time lately.

We went to see Shawn Mendes live that night, and saying that I wasn't in the mood to listen to love songs was an understatement... I didn't want to ditch her because of my heartache. But maybe I should have. When I thought about it, I just wanted to hide myself...

She kept telling me that one day, we would laugh a lot about remembering how terrible I was at the concert... Sure I will. If you're in the mood, you definitely laugh!

She saw me so sad when I arrived at her place, to leave for London. I explained everything to her during the drive, praying that it'd help to spend a good time at the concert.

But it didn't work. It was a waste of time.

When you're heartbroken, it's not a good idea to go to a concert with a lot of love songs...

So, I kept crying all the freaking time, when the lyrics felt like I received a knife in my heart, but not like fans cry when they're so happy to sing their idol songs. I was suffering from a broken heart.

A mess, I was a total mess. People must have thought I was a very sensitive, emotional person, or that I was just crazy. Hopefully, she was very understanding.

She knew how Harry was a big deal.

After checking on my phone, I just went downstairs and ate whatever came into view when I opened the fridge, I was starving. I probably lost three kilos because of the lack of food.

Stuffed, I headed back upstairs and took a look at me in the mirror, above the sink in my bathroom.

I hated what I saw. I looked like hell. My eyes were bloodshot because of the lack of sleep, and I had dark bags. I simply couldn't sleep, I only fall asleep of exhaustion, late in the night.

Seeing me like that, thin and in bad shape, made me understand that I couldn't keep doing this to myself, my demeanor was unhealthy.

I needed to take control of my life again, even if it wouldn't be easy.

Finally, I got back to work on Monday, and allowed Hannah to come to see me at my house.

Sometimes, she just laid there, beside me on my bed, to give me some comfort presence. She knew exactly when to back off, as when to be there for me. She'd been very helpful on my healing process, when even my own mother didn't give a damn about why I felt like this...

She reassured me, telling me that Harry would go back with the guys touring and all, it'd be easier. So I was now praying for the hiatus not to last too long.

I had to feel better. It would be long, I know, but it'd work, it had to.

Mirthless, I didn't see the guys either for almost two weeks, even when I got back to work. Louis left town with Freddie to see his family, and the others kept partying and stuff. I pretended to have to work a lot and I was exhausted, unable to do anything else. It was half the truth though, because the pub was packed and all, but in other circumstances, I could have hang out for sure. I simply wasn't ready yet.

It wasn't like I could keep ignoring them forever, Holmes Chapel was such a small town. So when Niall texted me they would come spend the night at the pub, I responded him that it would be great to see them. And it was true. I had now to learn to spend time with Harry, now that everything was clear. My life had its up and down, mostly downs lately, but they're part of the down and the up, so...

When the guys arrived, I just put my poker face, and smiled at them. Niall, and Liam gave me a friendly hug, but Harry didn't. He just shoved his hand to me, and I did my best to keep some self-esteem and not burst into tears when Harry came into the pub, hand in hand with Kendall. I swear my heart skipped a beat at the sight of them, acting like a powerful couple.

She was everything I'd never be. She was rich, successful, and extremely beautiful, with doe eyes and perfect skin. Who was I? Comparing to all of them, I felt like a failure, the underdog. They all earned so much money, and I was just a pub waitress. I hated myself for thinking so low of myself, belittling myself wouldn't fix anything, but sometimes that's how I felt towards them. And I felt guilty, because they're my life, and I'd never wish them to not be who they are right now...

After greeting each other, I showed the guys their table, and they went to sit. Pouring some beers for them, I just put them on the wooden table from the plate in my hand, and left immediately. The sight of Kendall gulping Harry's face in victory would make me vomit.

As I was going behind the counter, Niall drawn my attention. I didn't even notice he was behind me.

"Are you okay?" he asked, sitting on the stool in front of him, concern evident in his blue eyes.

"Sure" but he didn't buy it. He knew me too well... He sighed, disappointed that I wasn't telling him the truth. I had a lot on my plate, I hoped he had two hours in front of him...

"Is it because of Zayn, or Harry?" he asked again. It seemed he knew everything already.

I was drying a glass with a towel, my butt against the cabinet behind me, wondering if I should open my heart to him.

"Kind of both" I blurted out, with low voice, and frowned, losing myself in my thoughts again, my gaze looking at my feet.

"I disagree with his decision" he added, and I lifted my head up immediately. Did he talk about that with him? with the others? Of course, they shared everything. Damn, they all knew what's going on.

My eyes opened wide. "He talked to you about this?" I was dying to know more.

"He did, but I don't think he's made the good choice" he sighed. I knew he wouldn't tell me anything more, it wouldn't be appropriate to share Harry's intimate thoughts...

I stayed there, dumbfounded.

"You'll be better soon" he gave me a reassuring look, and patted the back of my hand with his soft hand. This guy was such a sweetheart I swear. He didn't push, because he knew now wasn't the right time. So, he nodded and stood up.

"Thanks N" I shoved my head, gently, before he went back to sit at the booth with the rest of the guys.

**

The night passed, and I kept avoiding their table as much as possible. I had a lot to do, so no one would think that I did it on purpose. But Liam found a way to make me sit with them when the pub was more empty...

"Here we go, round of beers" Liam said, as he sat on the booth where Niall, Harry, Kendall, and I were already sitting.

I felt so uncomfortable. So, I grabbed the pint of beer in front of me and took a long long sip.

"How was the show?" Niall asked, taking a sip of his beer, trying to make me at ease, by talking of light subjects.

If only he knew...

After Harry and I left each other that night, I rushed getting ready for Shawn Mendes concert. I already told you how terrible I was... But I couldn't tell them that, so... "Best show ever!" I smiled, and clapped in my head, a huge grin on my face.

BIG FAT LIE.

I was getting better on this.

They all lifted their head and raised an eyebrow at me like I'd grown two heads. Probably not the best thing to say to three members of One Direction, that Shawn show was the best. For them, he just plays the guitar, nothing huge like they did. "You know what I mean" I tried to explain myself, and they simply nodded and giggled. And I surprised myself by joining them.

Their performances were nothing alike. They knew it.

It was good to laugh. As I said, they're my downs, but also a lot of my ups...

I felt more relax after exchanging some laughter with them, even if I couldn't stand Kendall's laugh...

"We're looking for you to share the news" Liam asked Niall to finally tell us why he was being so secretive and playing suspense with us.

"So, what I wanted to tell you guys" Niall started then, and we all focused waiting for him to tell us more.

He had informed us sooner that he'd have good news for us, so we were looking for what was going on with our favorite blond blue eye Irish.

"I have tickets for Creamfields" he exclaimed, with eyes wide open. He had a huge grin on his face, showing his excitement.

"No way!!" I grinned. This is one of the biggest electronic music festival in England. Okay, I wasn't expecting this, at all, and it's definitely huge.

"Louis and Lottie will come as well" he let us know. Still a smirk stuck on his face. I hadn't seen her for a while, and she's wild at parties.

We all were so excited, the only problem was Harry AND Kendall would be there. But it'd be very cool, so let's just enjoy it. I'd be surrounded with a lot of support, it'd be okay. I'd spent an hour sitting at the same table tonight, it was a great first step.

"It'll be epic" Liam said, drinking his beer. And we all agreed. It'd be so much fun for sure.

**

So, two days later, we were driving in direction of the festival. It was a two hours' drive.

We went to buy camping stuff yesterday, and it kept bugging me. I'd never been camping. So it'd be a first, and I wasn't sure to be a camping person, well I was more afraid of camping with thousands of high and drunk people around... What if a creep just wants to say us hello?

"I can't believe we're gonna have to camp and sleep in a tent, you guys are fucking millionaires for God sake, couldn't we stay in a five stars hotel?" I said, faking a dramatic pout, sitting in the back seat with Hannah, as Liam was driving, and Niall on the passenger seat. Of course, the girls were sitting behind... They smiled. It was good to experience the festival like everyone else. I was just praying for them to remain anonymous.

"We'll share a five stars tent my love" Hannah responded, grinning. "Woo-hoo" Niall exclaimed, shoving his hand in this air.

We were all in the same ride, Harry and Kendall would take their own car, and so did Louis and Lottie.

"You know, when we carpool babes, it always remembers the karaoke with James Corden" Hannah reminded us, and we all burst into laughter. "We should sing, put the radio on" I asked Liam, but he didn't agree, pretending we'd listen a lot of music the next few days... "Shit, daddy direction, you're annoying" I teased, and a little smile grew on his face, showing his white teeth, as he remained focused on the windshield.

So I started to sing some of their songs, I knew they played the annoyed card when I did this, but deep down they loved it. So I sang, Best Song Ever, Up all night, Made in the AM...

They followed me sometimes, and it was so amazing to listen to them singing. The hiatus is a killer.

It was a long drive... and at a point it became very boring. Even after my singing session.

"You're driving so slow Payne". Hannah challenged Liam. He was driving totally at the normal speed, but it was funny to see how he rolled his eyes.

It remembered me a fun story, so it would help to kill the time.

"Liam was the first one who taught me how to drive." I informed my carpoolers. And they raised an eyebrow. They knew I had something fun to say... So Niall and Hannah turned their head to look at me, and Liam kept a skeptical face.

"If you can call it that". I added, it took me some strength to not just laugh at every word coming out of my mouth, I played it very dramatic.

"Damn, he was ridiculously scared, it was so funny. He was so afraid that I'd scratch his car, eventually. I was driving very very slowly, and carefully, but every swing I made he was like, damn be careful, snapping at me, his eyes full of fear." I laughed, and the other followed.

"He was so close just to take the steering wheel sometimes. We were just driving on an empty supermarket parking" I giggled.

"So, I teased him, and faked some losing control, he was losing it." I continued, grinning like an idiot.

"You were not driving safe at all" Liam tried to defend himself, looking at me with his peripheral vision, but it was just bullshit.

"It wasn't fucking fast and furious dude" I laughed at the memory, and nudged his arm softly, he was chuckling as well at the thought of how scared he was. He knew I was right... I wasn't dangerous at all...

He looked so cute how he squeezed his eyes when he laughed. "It worked though, you got your license" he said proudly.

"Not relevant" I teased, rolling my eyes dramatically, and he chuckled again.

**

"We're here" Liam informed us, after more thirty minutes, as he pooled his car on the huge fields, full of cars. Hannah and I were practically sleeping on the backseat, when he spoke, and woke us up. We all turned our heads, rubbing our eyes to take a look at our surroundings, through the car windows. Amazed by the sight in front of us.

It was very impressive, all the cars and all the people who were there, unloaded car trunks with backpacks and tents.

There was no doubt, it would be freaking amazing.

I'd never been to Creamfields, so everything will come from my imagination. I did some crazy festival though, so it'll help. Do you like DM music? Have you seen any DJ?

I like writting about summer stuff. It makes me enjoy the rest of mine, even if it wasn't very fun this year...

Hope you like the chap. See you soon. LOVE