My parents' parenting skills are on par! Totally not using sarcasm.

#1

Mom: We have to go shopping for Noble.

Me: No we don't, no one cares about her.

Mom: That's just mean. What did she do to you?

Me: She beat me up last night.

Mom: So she woke you up and beat you up.

Me: *nods*

Mom: Then you beat her up.

Me: *cracks up* Those parenting skills! They're on point!

#2

Me: *starts choking on lollipop*

Parents and Noble: *ignores me and continue talking*

Me: *between coughs* I'm *cough* literally *cough* dying *cough*.

Dad: *laughs*

Noble: *laughs manically*

Mom: *hands me water and continues talking*

Me: *drinks water and stops coughing* Wow Dad, you're parenting skills are perfect.

Dad: *literally doesn't care*

Noble: I would've preferred it if we let her choke to death.

#3 (This one is more of how I relate to my parents)

Dad: We need to get my prescription.

Me: Why?

Dad: I'm dying.

Me: *doesn't even care* And why is that?

Dad: [insert whatever he's dying of]

Me: That's nice.