Effortless English

BAD CHOICES

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 33 year old divorced woman with four kids. I was married for 12 years and I have been divorced for

approximately 3 years. I met my new boyfriend during my divorce. We hit it off and have been together ever

since. He is a 44 year old divorced man. When I met him he had been divorced for 2 years. Well, I met his ex-wife and she seemed to be an okay person. What I found out 3 months into my relationship with him was that

he was fooling around with his ex-wife again-- who also at this time had a boyfriend of her own. I figured

that since I did not have a committed relationship with him, I had no place to say anything. The problem is

it continued further into our relationship, up to the point when I found out I was pregnant. At the same time I

found out that he and his ex-wife planned to go to his family reunion together. Of course before all of this, I

drove by his house one night and saw her car parked outside his home. The excuse I got after all of this was

that they were considering getting back together. I thought it was very funny that as soon as she met me, she

found interest in him again.

I guess my issue is the fact that now I am still in this relationship.  I have brought a child into this nonsense

and I hate the fact that he keeps in contact with her. My boyfriend has taken responsibility for her son from a

previous relationship. His excuse for having so much contact with his ex-wife is because of that boy. I know

this is not true but I have no real proof otherwise. I have also dealt with him taking women to hotels and my

gut tells me it was her, but he promises it was not her.

I have tried to get over all the cheating. I know that she is very close to his family and I also know that his

family does not like me because I stand up for myself.  I guess the bottom line is knowing how much contact

his ex-wife has with him  and the fact that he knows I can’t stand her. Am I in a weird relationship with a man

that wants to have his cake and eat it too? Or am I being paranoid and need to trust him when he says he

does not want her. I have never had so much animosity towards two people in my life. I do love this man, but

I feel like I have put myself back in an unhealthy relationship with a man that is trying to lie to me.

To be totally honest, now that I have his child I even hate the fact that he helps her son. She never has to ask

for anything regarding that boy, but I have to constantly remind him when our son needs something. He does it

for the other boy without thinking, but my son is a second thought even when I have said, “Look at your son.

He is in dire need”.  I was married to a cheating man and hooked up with another cheating man.  I wonder if

it’s just my bad choices in men.

Bad Choices

DOUBLE STANDARD

FAMILY IS UNEASY WHEN ONE SISTER DATES OTHER'S EX-LOVER

DEAR ABBY:

My sister, "Jane," and I are both in our mid-50s. Jane has had numerous affairs over the past several years

after her third divorce, and was involved in an "intimate relationship" with a terrific man, "Will," that lasted

about three months. Jane broke up with Will several months after she decided he wasn't what she was looking

for, and she's presently engaged to be married to a very nice man ("Sam") and seems very happy.

I dated Will several times before he and Jane became involved. We weren't intimate at that time, and we start-ed seeing each other again over the last month. This time we have fallen in love.

My problem is Jane is upset that Will and I are together and says I have "betrayed" her. She is worried about

having her former and current lovers present at family gatherings, and our parents are also concerned. They say

it's "just weird." The fact that my sister was intimate with Will doesn't bother me or Will, but it sure bothers

them.

Abby, I have always been the "good girl" in the family and bowed to their pressure, but my relationship with

Will is more than I could have ever imagined, and I don't want to give up my future happiness just to make my

sister and my parents more comfortable. My adult children have all met and approve of Will and our relation-ship, but Jane and my parents won't budge. Any suggestions?

-- WANTS WILL IN WALLA WALLA, WASH.

DEAR WANTS WILL: Perhaps it's time to stop being the "good girl," begin acting like a woman who knows

what she wants, and confront the double standard in your family. If your sister was "sophisticated" enough to

have serial affairs, and your parents have been so worldly they have turned a blind eye to it, then they should

all be adult enough to realize that you are entitled to your happiness, too.

Although this may make for some awkward first few family gatherings, as grown-ups, everyone should be able

to get past it. But if they can't, you are going to have to decide whether you want this man, or to be a people-pleaser for the rest of your life.

Double Standard

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GREEK FAMILY

WOMAN WILL NEVER BE GREEK ENOUGH FOR HUSBAND'S FAMILY

DEAR ABBY:

I married a Greek man whose family never accepted me. Being young and naive, I tried everything to fit in,

converting from Catholicism to the Greek Orthodox faith, attending all family functions, including them in

our lives. It was never enough.

My husband and I traveled to Crete with his family to visit his relatives there, and some extended family

members refused to share the dinner table with me because I was not Greek. One of those family members

was a priest!

Our daughter, "Athena," was born four years later. What broke the camel's back for me was a Christmas din-ner when she was 6. My father-in-law gave cards with $100 to all the grandchildren of Greek heritage. Athena

received nothing and cried for hours wanting to know why her grandfather didn't love her. My husband just

tried to stay neutral.

Abby, how far should someone have to go to fit in with their husband’s family? 

-- IRISH AGAIN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Greek Family

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LONGTIME AFFAIR

LONGTIME AFFAIR APPEARS SET TO LAST FOR LONG TIME TO COME

DEAR ABBY:

I'm married; he's married. We're in love and have been for eight years. We've tried breaking it off several

times over the years, but a force bigger than both of us keeps bringing us back together.

I never believed in soulmates or true love until we met. Our love is deep and unconditional; our roots are

intertwined. It's a shame that it happened late in life, but it happened nonetheless. He treats me like a queen.

Neither of us is leaving our spouses or family. We are both in our 50s and sometimes act like we're in our 20s.

It's magical!

Is it wrong? Do we go on until something changes? Do we try for the 100th time to break away? An affair, no

matter how you slice it, will never be accepted in the eyes of traditional society, so it will be perceived as

unacceptable. What's your opinion?

-- BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED IN NEW YORK

Longtime Affair

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Lost Custody

YOUNG MOTHER IS FRIGHTENED BY THREAT OF LOST CUSTODY

DEAR ABBY:

I am 22 years old and have been married 17 months. "Derek" and I have a 23-month-old son. Derek hasn't

worked for about a year and refuses to help support our family. He also belittles me whenever he talks to me. I

am not happy in this marriage, but I am not sure what to do about it.

On our honeymoon, Derek told me if I ever divorced him that he'd make sure he would get custody of our son.

And his mom already said that she would tell the judge that I was an unfit mother.

My son is my world, Abby. He doesn't even let his daddy hold him, so I know he wouldn't be better off with

Derek. But because I am on disability, I don't know if I have a good chance of getting custody if I leave. I

don't feel Derek loves me or my son.

What should I do? Stick it out with my husband or take the chance of losing my son?

-- TRAPPED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Meddling Mother-In-Law

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WIFE READY TO WASH HER HANDS OF MEDDLING   MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR ABBY:

How do I politely tell my mother-in-law to stop doing my laundry? It all started when I was on bed rest due

to my pregnancy. I didn't mind her doing an occasional load to help us out. But now she does it anytime she's

over to watch the kids.

I'm very picky about how I do my laundry, and this is the main reason I don't want her doing it. Also, I'd pre-fer she spend time playing with the kids than with the laundry!

She also puts things away in the wrong places. She does it with my dishes, too. Once I told her not to worry

about my laundry because I wasn't done sorting it. She took it upon herself to do it anyway.

She's very strong-willed. My husband and I have had problems with her not respecting our parenting, too.

She often takes things the wrong way. What's the best way for us to tell her that her help is not needed?

-- DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY

Nudist

NEIGHBORS GET AN EYEFUL WHEN NUDIST STEPS OUTSIDE

DEAR ABBY:

We have a male neighbor I'll call "Flash" who frequently walks out to get his newspaper -- or the mail, or to

retrieve something from his car -- while he's as naked as the day he was born. (He's in his late 50s and

divorced.)

Some of the women in the neighborhood know not to look toward Flash's home if they're out for a walk. They

have discovered that he is most likely in the buff, standing at his glass door or sitting at his front office com-puter with the door open.

Flash is otherwise a likable and helpful neighbor. We hesitate to say anything. We do not want to say anything

that might destroy that relationship. It's not against the law to be a nudist, or for a woman to go topless in pub-lic in this city. However, to see a fella streak to his car is a little surprising and unsettling, even for another

adult.

In the normal course of things, he may be spotted in the nude once a week. I can only assume this goes on

daily, but thankfully, our paths don't cross more than once a week. Is this something we should be concerned

about?

-- STARTLED IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

Obsessive Behavior

PARENTS DENY PROBABLE CAUSE OF SON'S OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR

DEAR ABBY:

My nephew, "Vincent," is 16 and has had problems with obsessive handwashing for years. I have

enough professional experience to strongly suspect that he suffers from obsessive-compulsive disor-der (OCD).

My brother and his wife refuse to believe their child has a problem and will not take him to get help.

My nephew's hands are chafed and raw, and his parents reprimand him for this behavior when he

really needs professional help.

His mother is the biggest problem. She nixes all issues that suggest a problem, and my brother will

not stand up to her. What can I do?

-- WORRIED AUNT IN FLORIDA