I'm not sure when I consciously made the decision. I'm not sure if I even did. But somewhere in my mind, I did it. I made the decision to let Alec go, if only because he deserves better.

The sun hasn't even began to filter through the windows. Normally, that's my favourite part of the day. Watching the warm beams of sunlight drizzle through the glass, melt onto his skin. I won't give myself that luxury this morning. It's too time consuming, and might make me change my mind. It gives me too much time to get caught. It's cowardly, I know, but I'd never leave any other way. He'd never let me.

Silently, I shove the last of my things into my suitcase. It's been two days since my breakdown and I haven't been back to work. France is tomorrow, his line of shows, and I have to leave before then. I have to give him no reason to come for me. Not when his career is on the line. He's not stupid, he knows better.

I glance around the room. It's too tidy, none of my things strewn about. I've been up all night, ever since Alec fell asleep, packing, thinking. It looks as if I never existed in this place, our home, our life together.

My bags are piled by the door already, and I quietly move toward the bed.

Alexander is on his side, one arm tucked beneath his head, the other stretched out to the side of the bed that used to be mine. The side that's now cold and empty. His fingertips grip the sheets faintly, sending a pang of guilt through my body. It's for the best. I have to remind myself of that. He deserves better.

His messy curls cradle the moonlight, the spaces and shadows on his face holding moonbeams so softly I could cry. He's perfect. So perfect. I'll miss him.

Carefully, I ghost my lips over his temple before turning around, not letting myself get too caught up in him. Not now.

Once the bags are loaded in the car, I slide behind the wheel. The note I left him is on the nightstand. I don't think about how he'll take it. I try to avoid thoughts of him at all as I start the car, the engine far too loud in the earliest hours of the morning.

It isn't until I'm on the freeway, heading to nowhere that the tears start. And they don't stop. Not for hours.

***

"What do you mean you're going on a vacation? How long will you be gone?" Cat asks over the phone. It's Monday morning, and I'm due at the office in two hours. I won't be there. I'm at least 4 hours out of Brooklyn.

"I just need some time. With everything lately, it's what I have to do."

"Is Alec with you?" She asks, unknowingly. His name unleashes a new round of pain and guilt that I suppress.

"No. No, Cat. And please, take care of him while I'm gone." Its an odd request, but she agrees anyways. We hang up and I lean my head back, closing my eyes and fighting off the next round of tears that threatens to overcome me. I'm exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically, I have nothing left to give. I am nothing.

The highway sign says Boston is coming up. I have no ties to Boston, nothing to make Alec think I'd be here. Pulling into the city, I manage to find a hotel downtown, checking in with the hopes of getting some sleep, any reprieve from this constant, aching numbness I'm feeling.

The hotel room is simple and the smell of cleaning supplies still lingers in the air. It's about 6:30 now, and I set my bags on the floor in front of the bed, sitting down on it and letting out a deep sigh.

Everything had been going so well. Alec had everything he could've dreamed of; a flourishing career, thousands of fans and a boyfriend who loved him more than anything. Other than Maryse, he had has family, Robert, Max, Jace and Izzy, he had a home. I had him, and everything else was just a bonus.

But now, sitting on this hotel bed, knowing when I finally lay down, he won't be beside me, I realize how empty I am. How much I hate myself for letting it get this bad. The panic bites at my lungs, tears apart my rib cage, but other than the shaking of my hands and shortness of breath, I don't move.

I must've fallen asleep eventually. I wake up to my cellphone ringing. Fumbling for a moment, I reach out, glancing at it. My mother's contact flashes across the screen and biting the inside of my cheek, I sit up, answering it.

"Magnus where are you? Alexander has been trying to get a hold of you, he's an absolute mess, Magnus, what's going on?" The quick outlet of questions wakes me up and I pass a shaking hand over my face.

"I'm sorry, mom. I can't talk about this," even to myself I sound weak, like I've given up. I guess I have.

"Magnus, talk to me. He said you left him a letter, I just need to know what's going on, I need to know you're okay." I hate making her feel this way. I hate the way I always hurt everyone else.

"I'm fine, mom. I swear. This is for the best. Alec will realize it, I know it. Just... tell him I'm okay. Tell him to go to France. Tell him it's going to be alright." I reassure her, fighting the way my chest constricts when I talk about him.

"Magnus, darling, come back to Brooklyn. Alexander misses you. You can't do this to him." She argues, but I've made up my mind. It's the right thing to do.

"I have to." I hang up the phone, ignoring the notifications on the main screen and shutting it off. They're all from him. I can't read them, not now, maybe not ever. Sinking back into the blankets, I close my eyes and some dark part of me hopes I won't open them again.

*** Alexander POV ***

Blinking my eyes open, I stretch my arms high above my head, yawning and arching my back. Something feels amiss, and the room is colder than normal. Sitting up, I look beside me. Mags' side of the bed is practically untouched. Knitting my brows together, I glance around me. A piece of paper catches my eye, sitting on the nightstand. A sickening feeling settles in my stomach, but I force myself to reach out, fingers shaking, and grab the note.

My dearest Alexander,

I can't describe how much this hurts. I don't have any words to apologize for this, and I wish I didn't have to search for them. But I do. And I'm sorry. I know it's not enough - it never will be. I know you deserve a better goodbye, I proper one, an honest, face-to-face explanation. But I can't give you one. It would be too difficult; for both of us, I think.

I'm not the person you think I am. I wish I could be, everything inside of me aches to be the person you see me as. Strong. Confident. Bold. Unapologetic. Brave. But I'm none of these things. I'm a coward, and this letter, what I've done, what I'm doing, proves it.

You deserve better. That's all this comes down to, in the end, no matter how many times I've thought it over, no matter what I try and tell myself, you deserve someone who is better than me.

I hate to say it, but Maryse was right. My father was right. The guy at the bar was right. Whoever vandalized Efflorescence was right. I'm not worth it. And you can and will be happier without me.

I'll come back to Brooklyn. But don't expect this to change.

Don't think this is because I don't love you, Alexander. It's because I love you too damn much. So much it's killing me. So much that I want you to be happy. And I know you can do that without me. It'll be easier. You'll see.

I'm sorry. I love you.

Yours, Always. Magnus.

The tears and sobs come freely, dripping onto the paper, making the letters bleed. I throw it to the side, grasping the blankets and gasping for air.

Looking around me, through filmed, wet eyes, I can see it. All of his things, everything that I love seeing, everything that makes my life worth living is gone.

I blame myself. For not being more comforting, for not understanding. When I fell apart, Magnus knew exactly where all the pieces fit back together. He made it look so easy to fix me. Why did I mess up so bad? Why couldn't I see all of his pieces until now? Until it's too late?

The anger comes with a vengeance and I tear the blanket off of me, yelling out sounds with no meaning, screaming out all the emotions tearing me apart, from the inside out. Ive been broken before. But I've never been this shattered.

He left because of me. Because I didn't appreciate him enough. Because somewhere along the line, I made him feel worthless. Not enough. As if I deserve better. There isn't such a thing- there could never be anything or anyone better than Magnus.

He's the only one I've ever loved, the single person on this planet capable of owning my heart. Even when we were kids I knew, someday, I'd marry that man. I'd have him forever, because I learned the hard way that a world without Mags is ugly. It's dark and colourless, it lacks everything that stands for beauty.

I wonder how it all got this dark in the first place. I wonder exactly when we fell apart.

I call his phone at least 20 times but he doesn't pick up. I leave at least 10 voicemails, text him over 30 times. But it's all in vain. There's nothing left here. He's gone, and in his absence, I'm a kid again. Lost, lonely, terrified.

How could he ever think I'd be happier without him? How could he ever think I'd be okay?

My chest aches with the relentless sobs wracking my rib cage. My throat is raw from screaming and crying, my eyes swollen nearly shut.

I can't lose him. I won't. It's a mantra, coursing through my muddled mind, the only thing that holds clarity.

Magnus deserves better. Better than this, this loneliness and guilt eating him up inside.

I call his mother.

The conversation doesn't last long, since I'm a blubbering mess, just long enough to ask her for help, to explain how everything's gone so wrong so quickly. Adley has been like a mother to me since she hired me at Bloom so long ago. Maryse was never warm, soft and caring. But Adley is. With her gentle smile and loving arms, she's always been a safe haven. And right now, she's the only other person I can turn to.

Because without Magnus, there's nothing. I'm nothing.