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.*･｡. EFF IT! .*･｡.
————DEAD CALM
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041.
WHO'S GONNA
HOLD YOU?
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

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   The walk back to Figure 8 was long.

Too long, really. It gave Sonny too much time to think, too much time to dwell.

About Barry and Rafe, about last summer, about JJ taking the money, about what she'd admitted to him. 'Cause I look like a Kook but I'm a self-destructive piece of shit.

   Talk about embarrassing.

   She'd bared a piece of her soul to him, back there. A small snippet of the scared little girl who resided beneath all of her armour. Sonny hadn't meant to. It just tumbled out of her in the moment and now she'd had time to think about it, Sonny really wished that it hadn't.

   Because now came the frenzy— the itch to punish herself for letting someone see her. The real her, even if only a slight fragment. She was embarrassed, regretful; everything Sonny tried so hard to avoid. It made her skin burn and her tummy twist, and she wished she could go back in time to undo it. It just wasn't how she operated.

But Sonny couldn't hold back, not in the moment and not with JJ. Not with the way he looked at her. He made it hard. Or maybe he made it easy.

   Maybe it was both.

She wondered if he would go home. Back to the shitty dad who hit him, who she'd sold coke to for Barry in the past.

No wonder he was pissed. Sonny would be too. Maybe she would be worse, even. She couldn't say for sure. All she knew was that her guilt had increased tenfold. That was becoming an awful trend, these days. Sonny felt guilty all the time, after so long not caring. Years of misery reduced to nothing. These Pogues were ruining her— JJ was ruining her. They were too close to breaking down those walls, and she didn't like it. Her cold heart just couldn't take it.

   'Cause I look like a Kook but I'm a self-destructive piece of shit. Oh, if only they knew the half of it.

    "Sonny!"

   Speak of the devils.

   She slowed her walk slightly as Heyward's truck pulled up beside her, rolling to match her pace.

    "We've been looking for you everywhere," Kiara said, her brows tied in concern as she rolled the window lower. Sonny noticed Benji and Pope with her.

    "What happened?" Pope asked at the wheel.

   Sonny shrugged.

   It wasn't helpful, but she didn't have the effort to do much else. Sonny debated not talking to them at all. Pushing them away like she did everybody else, stopping them from getting too close. Destroying another good thing before it destroyed her first. Like she always did, because Sonny was a destroyer of good things above anything else.

    "Any success with JJ?"

   Benji's voice made her stop. The truck did too, and Sonny tilted her head to frown at him.

    "Does it look like I had success with JJ?"

   Benji looked around, almost waiting for JJ to jump out the hedge and surprise them, but nothing happened. His cheeks went pink, "That's fair."

   Sonny rolled her eyes.

   With a long sigh, she turned her whole body to face them. Her brows drew together, wondering why they weren't using the twinkie and why they were shy of two Pogues. "Where's Barbie and Ken? Gone to the dream house?"

    "Something like that," Pope muttered quietly.

    "Probably prepping to kill fish tomorrow," Kiara sounded bitter — which wasn't a shock, killing fish wasn't her thing. It probably never would be, either.

    "Fishing?" Sonny murmured, face pinched in thought. John B had mentioned something about a trip with Ward, how he only accepted because he aimed to be an attentive boyfriend. Sonny had given him a dull look, since she had no doubt this was just a way of keeping Ward sweet, and since she couldn't think of anything worse than a fishing trip with Ward Cameron, of all damn people in Figure 8. He'd always bothered Sonny, though she never really had a good reason why. Maybe it was because he seemed like a total fake to her, or because he was the reason for half of Rafe's DNA.

   The apple never fell far from the tree.

   Sonny had forgotten their little fishing trip was tomorrow morning. So had John B apparently, because that was when they'd planned to head back to the Crain house and get the rest of the gold — the better version of fishing, with less bait and more profit at the end.

    "What about the well?" She asked them.

    "We're going tomorrow night," Benji explained. It was a short and brief explanation, but it was enough for Sonny to feel satisfied. He smiled at her, quickly peering over at Pope, who started to blush under his eyes. Sonny raised a brow at him. "Pope's got his hands on a winch."

    "We gotta get a few more supplies," Pope said, "We'll set everything up at JB's."

    "You coming?"

   Sonny's nose scrunched.

   She didn't feel like it, honestly. Sonny felt like hiding away, ignoring everyone in the world while she tried to forget what she'd told JJ. To forget about JJ too. He was still on her mind, especially with the three in front of her, and she was sure she would rather think about anything else. Anything but JJ, and the people she'd started to let in.

   But going home meant facing her parents when she hadn't been home in a few days, and facing Blake when she'd tossed her mother's camera in the box under her bed to avoid even thinking about it. Let alone talking.

   There was nowhere else for her to go.

   Not when she'd cut Topper out after all his bullshit. Sonny had destroyed that good thing long ago, even before it'd gone bad. Maybe it was too late for them.

   Still, Sonny knew she couldn't just loiter about. Barry was probably on the prowl after they'd beat him up and made a break for it with the gold. And if JJ did take that cash, then he was definitely out for blood. Sonny couldn't risk getting caught out for that. Not when they already had their beef after last summer. He'd kill her.

   It didn't seem like she had much of a choice.

    "Fine," she said.

   Sonny stepped aside as Benji opened the door, jumping in and squeezing into the seat.

   It was a bit of a tight fit, but Benji just smiled at her like it was designed for four and not three. She rolled her eyes, not fond of his upbeat nature, but her lips tugged up at the very side as he, Kiara and Pope started chatting about what their shopping list entailed and early versions of tomorrow's plan. Sonny didn't say anything throughout their journey, and she didn't say much when they were shopping either. She stayed quiet and listened. Something about it made it easier for her to breathe — something about them.

The group of teenagers she'd found herself stuck with on the mystery of a lifetime. A group whose path Sonny never thought hers would cross with.

But Sonny was a destroyer of good things and eventually, she would ruin this too. Just like she always did, because that was her way and she would do it time and time again because she knew nothing else.

   Because she wouldn't let herself know anything else.

   Because that was Sonny Penbrook. Too scared to learn, too guarded to change her ways. A wolf in Kook's clothing. Self-destructive time bomb.

   Destroyer of good things.

   And this good thing would be no different to all the rest. It would only be a matter of time.

————

     "Let's move guys, we gotta be done before my scholarship interview," Pope reminded as he clambered out from his dad's truck and shut the door.

   Right, his interview.

   Sonny had forgot about that.

   Probably because she still didn't know Pope very well. Plus, it wasn't really the main topic of conversation lately. Not with the whole gold game. Sonny couldn't even remember what it was he wanted to study— just that it was morbid and sort of weird, but very Pope of him.

    "We gotta focus," Kiara agreed as she followed.

    "Don't sweat it, Pope." Benji piped up as he jumped out, holding the door open for Sonny. "We've got plenty of time and I'm sure you'll ace it,"

    "Thanks," Pope smiled small, somewhat sheepishly, like it meant a lot. Sonny wondered when they'd spoken about the interview. Probably when she'd been stuck with JJ, whether at the Crain house, or earlier that afternoon. "You're right. It'll be fine. I mean, we've got the winch and we've basically got a plan," he told them.

    "Right," Kiara nodded.

    "We'll have John B and JJ inside the well, and me up top with Benji. Kie, Sonny and Sarah will be transporting," Pope listed. He had thought about it a lot. Someone had to. "You know, since Sonny won't go back down."

   Sonny pulled a face, "Once was enough."

    "Tell me about it," Benji frowned, "I keep on having this nightmare about Crain's crazy cat biting all my fingers off."

    "Keep that to yourself," Sonny told him bluntly. His face tinged pink but he still smiled, walking with her to the trunk where the winch sat. They both stared at it, unsure of what else to do. Neither of them were winch experts. They never had any reason to use one.

    "How much does this tin can hold?" She asked.

    "Not sure," Benji said, leaning his elbows against the side. He tilted his head slightly, "Pope said something around two hundred pounds, maybe three."

   Sonny hummed.

   His eyes flickered to her, "So, remind me how much gold was down there exactly?"

    "You think I had time to count?" She said.

    "Right," Benji smiled, "But, if you had to guess?"

    "I dunno. A lot?" Sonny revealed, shaking her head as she tried to recall it. That night down in the well was all a bit of a blur now. A lot of screaming and shooting. She was surprised she hadn't got sick after all the shit she'd crawled through but she wasn't really going to complain about it. "Enough to make us all filthy rich."

    "Rich..." he muttered quietly.

   Sonny watched him stew in the thought.

    "I guess that doesn't really mean much when you've got a lot of money already, huh?" Benji asked her. Sonny didn't say anything to that, but she didn't have to. They both knew she understood what he meant.

He turned so his back was against the truck, arms folded over his chest as he watched Pope and Kiara speak in quiet voices, smiling sweetly at each other. Benji's brows knotted, looking maybe the most dismayed she'd ever seen him. She thought he suited a smile better.

"It means a lot to them though, right?" Benji nodded his head at them, though his eyes were focused on Pope. Sonny nodded her head once.

A lot felt like an understatement.

To the Pogues, the gold was a lifeline. Maybe Kiara was in the same boat as Sonny and Benji, but for Pope, JJ and John B? It was everything. Stability, opportunity, closure — maybe money wasn't the answer to the world's problems, but Sonny knew it would solve a whole bunch of theirs. They needed it. They deserved it. Every last bar.

"Then we'll get it," Benji decided, tone confident. He was able tear his eyes off Pope long enough to wink at her, "Even if that cat comes for my ass again."

Sonny rolled her eyes.

He grinned at her reaction and went to say something, no doubt to poke a little fun, but stopped when the area outside the chateau lit up. Benji peered up at the string lights, brows by his hairline. "That's new."

"No shit," Sonny muttered, what the fuck?

"Maybe John B upgraded while we were gone?" The boy suggested, though he didn't sound sure.

She shook her head, glancing at Pope and Kie. They both looked just as confused as Sonny and Benji, observing all the neon lights threaded around the perimeter of the old fishing shack. They hadn't been there that morning, they knew that much. Neither had the trickling water or the generator hum. John B couldn't afford a generator. No one on the Cut could. They cost money. Kook-level money. Sonny suddenly felt her stomach stir uncomfortably.

    "What the hell?" Pope asked.

   Kiara frowned, "Who the hell is here?"

   She didn't wait for a reply. Instead, she marched her way around the chateau and towards the lights. Pope went next, Benji hot on his heels, while Sonny took the rear. She didn't know what or who they would find back there and she didn't know if she wanted to find out.

    "Buongiorno!"

    "Holy shit," Benji's eyes widened.

   Holy shit, alright.

   Sonny couldn't think of anything better to sum it up. She wasn't sure there were any words to accurately describe the hot tub in John B's yard, or the way she felt when she saw a familiar blonde boy sat in it, champagne bottle in his hand.

   She would never be able to explain that feeling.

   They were all silent for a moment, unable to speak, until it was broken by a popping cork.

    "Welcome back to MTV cribs," he said.

   Then all hell started to break loose.

    "What did you do, JJ?!" Pope hissed at him.

    "I got a jet going straight in my butt right now," JJ laughed childishly, sunglasses perched lazily on the bridge of his nose. He pointed his finger at them, "Y'all should get in immediately, you guys hear me?"

   No one moved an inch.

   They just stared, taking in the bullshit around them. It was like the pictures you saw in Kook catalogues. The hot tub, all the lights, the little floating flamingos that bobbed on the jets. It was insanity. Every last bit of it. Like looking at a car crash and watching it burn to ashes.

   And yet, somehow, Sonny couldn't quite rip her eyes away from JJ. Amongst the madness, he was the one thing that she could genuinely see.

    "C'mon!" He encouraged, filling up four champagne flutes. JJ lifted the bottle, his movements sluggish and slow, and sent them all a single salute. "Salud!"

    "Dude..." Benji muttered.

   He didn't know what to say. Sonny didn't blame him. She didn't really know either.

    "How much did this cost?" Pope asked. He seemed to be the only one fit to ask questions. And judging by the look on his face, he had plenty of them.

    "Uh..." JJ gulped down another mouthful of alcohol and thought about it. "Well, with the generator, the petrol and oh — hey, express delivery..."

   JJ mulled over it for another moment.

    "...pretty much all of it, yeah."

   The air went frigid.

    "All of it?"

   JJ nodded. Pope couldn't believe his ears.

    "You spent all the money?" He reiterated, feeling himself tick like a bomb. "In one day?"

    "Yeah," JJ said it so casually, like it was no biggie. Like the money didn't belong to a drug dealer. Like they hadn't told him to put it back. "Burned a hole right through my pocket. But, I mean, c'mon! Look at this! Finest in jet-based massage therapy. That's what they told me!"

   But Sonny wasn't listening; her head was swimming as she tried to make sense of it all.

   All of it. JJ had spent all Barry's cash in a day, and on a big pile of shit nobody wanted. Even after she'd warned him not to, even after she'd given him another option. He'd probably spent Scooter's cash too.

That just proved it. Pope was wrong.

JJ didn't listen to Sonny. Never had, never would.

The harsh truth upset her more than she was ever willing to admit. She couldn't put her finger on why. Just that it sucked, and she never wanted to feel that way again. Sonny didn't do upset, didn't do disappointment. Sonny was smarter than that.

   But maybe a small piece of Sonny wanted JJ to listen to her, wanted her to be the one he could hear in a room of noise. It was a thought she tried to cram down.

   Because that's what Sonny did: she crammed and crammed and she crammed, until she was fit to explode. And when she was fit to explode, Sonny hid in her bubble where no one was able to see her. She stayed there until it was over. Until it was safe to leave. Until people had grown bored and frustrated of trying to get through. Sick of waiting, tired of never actually being able to understand. It happened every time — with old foster placements, with the people at school, with neighbours and teachers and therapists. No one understood. No one ever waited. They just let her go.

   So Sonny left before they could.

   Because she was self-destructive. Destroyer of good things. The girl who left when shit got too real.

   Maybe Sonny should leave. Turn around and walk out of there. She debated it, willing her feet to move, but it was like she was glued in place.

    "Kie, what?" JJ asked when he saw the irritated look on her face. "Can't a man have a little luxury in life?"

   Kiara didn't reply.

   She just crossed her arms and shook her head, looking like the disappointed mother he'd never had. JJ recoiled and put his eyes on Pope instead but he was no different, so he stared at Benji, who easily seemed the most sympathetic. Or maybe it was pity. JJ despised that.

So he looked back at the tub. At the safe haven he created for them. He didn't dare look at Sonny. Not yet. Not when he felt her dark eyes already on him.

"C'mon! All this scrimpin' and scrapin'," he said, ripping his sunglasses off and tossing them aside. His eyes were sad, grin forced and throat thick. "I mean, like, guys, we— you only live once, alright?" His face hardened slightly, "So enough of this emotional shit! Get in the Cat's Ass!"

Kiara frowned, "In the what?"

"In the Cat's Ass. That's what I named her," he pushed out an empty laugh, hand patting the side of the tub. "Yo— yo, I almost forgot!"

   JJ flicked a switch and the hot tub lit up, alongside a disco ball hanging from the branch above.

    "That's right, I know! Disco mode, baby!"

   He laughed again and took another swig of alcohol, and it was then that Sonny understood the hollowness of it all. The humourless chuckles, the joker's smile, the lavish champagne. There was no meaning behind any of it. Just desperation, an unstoppable yearn for attention, for reprimand — anything he could get his hands on.

   And he got it.

    "Are you kidding me?!" Pope snapped, "You could've paid for your restitution!"

    "Or literally given it to any charity!" Kiara hissed.

   Benji shook his head, "Guys..."

    "Or better yet," Pope went on, raising his voice while JJ's fingers pinched the bridge of his nose. His grin was gone. It was replaced with a deep-set frown, lower lip trembling. He was breaking. "You could've helped us buy supplies to get the rest of the gold out of the well!"

    "Okay, well, you know what? I didn't do that!" JJ snapped, finally standing to his feet.

   The tension changed. It was still thick and palpable, but it was different when they spotted the bruising across his torso. It was deep and purple, a trail spanning from hip to rib, and he didn't even acknowledge it. JJ just stood there, lip curled, eyes watery, and finally letting them see him. The pitiful mess hidden by the liability. The despair masked by impulsiveness. The fighter who threw fists in the name of loyalty. The lover who never got love in return.

   Sonny's stomach churned, he went home.

    "I got a hot tub!" He threw his arms out, "For my friends. I got a hot tub for my friends. No— no, you know what? Screw friends! I got a hot tub for my family!"

    "What the hell?" Kiara muttered, chin wobbling.

    "I got this for you!" JJ yelled, though he just sounded tired. Maybe he had no more anger left. "Guys, look what I did for you! Alright? Look at this!"

   Sonny wasn't sure if he was talking about the hot tub or the bruises on his body. Maybe both.

    "JJ," Benji's voice was soft.

    "Bro, look! It's sweet, right?" JJ spoke over him, his chest heaving up and down. "Look at this shit!"

   Benji nodded slowly.

    "You're a Pogue now, man! You're family!" JJ rambled on. He span in a circle which showed them the damage over his back, scrapes and scars, but he was past the point of caring. Just this once, he wanted to be seen.

   And so he was. Because, in that moment, Sonny could see all of JJ Maybank. Every single inch of him. Body and soul.

   All of him, through him, everything.

   And when his eyes finally met hers, watching her stand with lips parted and eyes shiny, Sonny wondered whether JJ could see every piece of her too.

   'Cause I look like a Kook but I'm a self-destructive piece of shit. He could see it, now. She was certain.

    "Don't," he told her. "Don't look at me like that."

    "Like what?" She croaked.

    "Like— like—"

Like you feel bad for me. Like you understand me.

Like you care.

"Just don't. I'm a bad apple, remember?" His voice was a whisper, but Sonny heard. Her face twisted.

She was wrong. So wrong. JJ Maybank wasn't a bad apple. Just a messed up kid in shitty circumstances. A boy who tried his best but always screwed things up. Who was fiercely loyal to his friends, who would do anything to keep them safe. He wasn't a bad apple. JJ was a good one.

Maybe Sonny was the only bad apple here.

   She supposed she could add that to the list, couldn't she? Too scared to learn, too guarded to change her ways. A wolf in Kook's clothing. Self-destructive time bomb. Destroyer of good things. Bad apple.

    "No," she shook her head.

   It was a single world, short and simple, but right then, it felt like everything to JJ. It was what he needed to hear to lighten the load on his shoulders.

His eyes welled, glistening under the lights, and Sonny felt her heart ache. JJ's shoulders dropped and started to shake, a hand cupping his mouth. Sonny stood frozen as she listened, his sticky pleas for them to like it echoing in her ears, before her body was moving on its own.

Not away, like she expected it to. Sonny didn't run like she always did. Instead, Sonny darted forwards and climbed into the tub, shorts and shoes soaked in seconds. But Sonny didn't care about the soggy shorts, she didn't care about the sodden shoes, she didn't care that she hadn't properly hugged someone in years before this summer. But this was different. It was easy. Like the night John B had gone to hospital, when JJ held her. It was easy, even when it shouldn't have been. Even when she was terrible at comforting people, at emotions.

   Somehow, with JJ, it was easy.

It was easy then and it was easy now — as Sonny threw her arms around him and squeezed tightly, it was easy. Shockingly easy. She would never know why.

   JJ froze, unsure of the touch, before collapsing in her arms. He had never been held this way before. Never comforted, let alone by Sonny Penbrook.

The tears started pouring, then.

"I just couldn't do it!" JJ cried, looping an arm around her waist and pulling her in close. Like if he didn't, he would fall apart completely. "I can't take him anymore!"

The backs of Sonny's eyes prickled painfully as she tucked his head into her shoulder. She willed herself not to cry. Keep your shit together, Sonny. She held him harder. His sobs wracked from his chest to hers. Keep it together.

"I was gonna kill him!" The boy wept, suddenly so fragile in her grip. She feared she'd break him.

Keep your shit together, Sonny.

But she didn't have to. Not alone anyway, when someone's arms wrapped around her from behind. Kiara's curls tickled her back as she held them both, keeping them together. Pope wasn't far behind, and neither was Benji. Soon enough, they were a tangled group of limbs standing in the tub, clutching onto one another like a lifeline.

"I keep screwing up," JJ whimpered.

   His words rang home for Sonny. She kept screwing up too. Maybe they had more in common than they thought. Maybe they were both destroyers of good things.

    "I just wanna do the right thing," he whispered.

"I know," Sonny whispered, voice breaking. She squeezed her eyes shut. "I know."

   And boy, she really did.

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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⠀⠀⠀   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀