Washington, DC - 2019

Alexander is bundled up and he's looking adorable in the little fall outfit mom got for him. It's Gap and I know Carol would never have considered a little baby gap outfit. She's said before that some of his baby clothes are "fast fashion," especially those trendy ones mom likes to buy: little pea coats and suspenders. Besides my understanding of fast fashion has more to do with exploitation of workers in other countries -the corporation stocks the Clarks hold large shares in. Fast fashion doesn't typically refer to affordable clothes on aesthetic grounds.

Anyway. This is where my thoughts take me as I dress Alexander in the blue jeans, blue and black plaid button down shirt and gray cardigan with leather elbow patches. I have the little cotton cap mom knitted for him. I'm lifting him from the changing table when the phone chimes. It's Edward- again. I know it's you, Edward, without looking at my phone. I don't want to ignore you because to me it's engaging with you. At the same time, a little bit of my altered thinking remains, just the faintest evidence of the poison that infected me six months ago. It's the logic like a tic and I think it will be with me all the time-from now on like an obsessive compulsive disorder that one learns to live with-develops cognitive strategies for but even at that, those cognitive strategies scare me too. It's superstition or maybe it's intuition but as much as I want to go to therapy just as you say, work through the affair but more the trauma, I just want to walk on solid ground. The house seems to hum with lurking mental illness when you are not here. The shadows are just that, shadows. Maybe it is like you said PTSD and I associate it with you-maybe that is true but still you are bad luck. Still, despite what you say and I think it's true, honestly I do Edward but despite your explanation that having a son was triggering, my mental illness was triggering, and as you say "my unwillingness to talk to you about the night your father attacked me;" despite all of that you still made the choice to be with Lenore. You did. And for all your remorse I saw the images of you two out on dates, expensive dinners while I was in the psychiatric hospital with postpartum depression turned psychosis. That happened-you made that happen. And even now if I were to go on Lenore's page then I would see that those pictures are still there. And worst of all I can't help but believe you didn't feed that in her. Her calls and texts to me—a part of me believes that's you.

My phone beeps again and I shake my head—every time I slip into these thoughts, this narrative. You. you. you.

I look at the screen and pick up alexander.

"Can we talk?"

I hit dial on the phone and ring you.

"Annie-are you busy."

"Yes. I'm just about to take Maddy and Alex to the park and then I'm going by Sven and Allen."

"An interview?"
"Interview? I don't exactly have to interview Edward. I can go back to work anytime."

"I know."
"No. I'm just going to say hi and Camille wants to meet Alexander. She hasn't seen Maddy in forever. We're going to lunch."

Alexander is squirming. He's crawling now and that's all he wants to do. It's more exhausting with him than with Maddy because Maddy would be engrossed in play with Edward or me sitting beside her."

"I want to come home."

I walk into Maddy's room. And she's in her closet where she's made a "set up" books and blocks and little plastic animals. She's taped papers - looks like scraps from a torn book but she's say they're family pictures.

"Hang on a minute" I say to Edward. Then, I turn my attention to Maddy "what are you doing Maddy?"
"they are in my set up."

I see two of her picture books on the floor just outside of the closet on the shag white rug she's pulled closer to the closet. "Did you tear up your book. Oh Maddy look. It's where the wild things are." I don't think twice and I say to you "she's torn up her books."

"It's ok. I'll get her another one. I'll bring it next time I see her. I have some things for the kids anyway."

"That's not the point" I say. Then I see how easily we move into familiarity, family. It causes me to tear up.

"don't cry mama" Maddy pulls one of the pieces of paper off the wall and tries to put it back into the book.

"Let me talk to her" you say. "put me on speaker."

I press the button on my phone and your voice fills the room "Hey Mad-ster"

"Dad" she says and runs to me. By now Alexander is on the floor. For the moment he's preoccupied with trying to pull himself to standing on the little table and chairs by the window. It's so beautiful looking at the light coming in through the tall floor to ceiling windows. It's a cool day and although I have the urge to push open the swinging windows (figure out name) and let the cool are waft in. I know it would be freezing. The light coming through is dappled through the maple that's turned yellow and orange. The ripply glass causes waves on the white table top. The room is warm from the silent heat of the house and the yellow rays refracted through the antique glass.

Maddy has pulled the phone from my hand and talking right against the screen. I know she'll get saliva in the speaker and it will make my voice hard to hear when I make calls. Truth be told Maddy's bugging me lately. I suppress this feeling of annoyance - I'm still over flowing with love for her, maternal love in that way that came harder with Alexander because of the depression. I return to place and time and I hear you talking with her int hat way you do. It's a modified adult reasoning. I see her acting like me when I'm on the phone with mom. She's started busying herself moving blocks and tucking a shirt around a plastic pail some purpose cognitive and developmental that is lost on me. The pretend meaning of early childhood that is really just the context for motivation and learning-as mom would say.

"Do you need pictures of your set ups?"

"yes, papa. I want to have their pictures so they know where to go."

"What about your books."

"they don't mind." She says and then laughs an infectious giggle.

You laugh too Edward. "should I bring you a new Where the wild things are."

"No papa. We have to grow up. That's a baby book."
"Maybe you want to read it to Alex?"

"He wants me to read the pigeon books."

I look at Alexander. Poor little brother. She'll do all he talking for him I think. He already adores her. He looks at me and giggles, ,drops to the floor and starts crawling quickly towards Maddy's closet. Your voice continues on. You are telling her you'll come visit soon. I see Alex's determination and I know he'll intrude on her "set up" in his violent baby way, destroying out of instinct-not knowing he's destroying at all.

I lift him and he half squeals and half screams. I know this will go very badly if I don't distract him but I don't want to distract him. I had our day planned like clockwork.

"ok give mommy the phone." I say to Maddy.

"No. We're talking. "

she says but I reach down and take it. "Do as I say!" I snap. I push the button and take you off speaker. Maddy has now started crying loudly for your benefit and Alexander has too.

"I'm sorry" you say. "Annie I"m sorry."

"It's ok."

"Can I come over after my 4:00 class?

I sit on the floor and open lift my shirt so Alexander can nurse. Maddy immediately return stop her book and starts ripping pages. Each one sends a little shard of anger into my senses.

"That'll be almost 8:00. The kids will be in bed."

"i know."

"Are you saying you want to see me?" I tease-somehow I am still so connected to you.

"Yes Annie." You pause, I hear the affection "I am saying I want to see you."

"Ok"

"Ok?"
"Okay!" I drag it out. I don't have intentions or know where it's going but I miss you and I want to tell you about today-whatever today brings when I see my close friends. When I go to the architecture firm - will I be ready to embark on my life again? Incorporate my children/ family but also re-enter "Annie's" life?

The children are settled now and Alexander is closing his eyes for an early nap. Maddy has even lay down next to me and I realize I'm unconsciously twisting her curls between my fingers.

"You know who I was thinking about this morning?"
"Who?"
"Antoinette. Do you remember Antoinette?"

"I do."

"She was so cool. I wanted to go to Spain with her. I honestly thought she was the most magnificent person when I was 18. I wonder how my life would have been different."

You laugh.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Because she never went to Spain."

"what do you mean?"

"She made all sorts of things up. Spain. That her aunt owned the beach house."

"No she didn't."

"She was really cute that way but she was from outside of Boston and got the job on craigslist."

"No she didn't."

"She did."

"But why?"
"Why what?"

"Why did she tell me all that?"

"She told me all that too. She told every body that."
I think about Antoinette for a moment. She was so beautiful. You couldn't deny that. And she was so vivacious and full of life.

"I wonder what happened to her."
"I don't know."
"Hey did you give her a charm bracelet?"

You pause for a moment, trying to remember I imagine. "Oh yeah I did."
"She showed it to me. She loved it." I'm not sure I remember if she loved it but I think she did. She seemed proud of it.

"Oh really? That's sweet. I do remember that bracelet."

"Yeah she did" my words trail off. "I'm really bummed that she never lived in Spain and wasn't rich."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just am."

—-ADD LENORE SHOWIG UP AT THE HOUSE—AFTER GOING TO GET THE DOLLS FROM THE BACK YARD LEAVING THE KIDS IN THE AR.

—CALL EDWARD.

That afternoon we somehow are still on schedule. Parking is't too bad either. Maddy is excited to be downtown and I let her run ahead a bit on the sidewalk and she'll pick up fallen leaves red and orange from the maples on the quaint tree lined historic neigh boyhood where the firm is located.

—-

You held something - in my memory- so you returned to me a truth I'd very successfully avoided for 10 years.Before the babies it really hadn't intruded on my life- was it because it was killing you? Your pale eyes- something like that afternoon like hen you smiled at me, bent down to kiss me butI'd turned my cheek. You seemed kind, not hurt or angry. Are you relieved Edward? The little vestiges of my psychosis nags, flirts with met cogitations did you transfer the evil to me

I was sane enough-the baby hormones subsiding, the sudden drop now recharging, refilling.I was sane enough to tackle the supernatural paranoia—was the trauma just the same? Like in your book?

Maddy ran from the sand play area directly to you. I stood and held up the black Bally Diaper bag from Neiman Marcus (your mom). I didn't ever want to know how much the thing cost but she couldn't resist -almost before I opened the package- "$850 dollars—so be careful Annie." I picked up the other one, a Where the Wild Things are pattern from Children's place (my mom). "$12 from Second Time around" she simultaneously mocked your mother and bragged over her keen and stellar thrifting skills, looking up from her computer at me, over her reading glasses - researching the original price $48. That $36 separated my mother from the fools like your mother.

You removed your wayfarers from your front shirt pocket as you placed the diaper bag int he bottom of the stroller. You bent over and kissed Alex who was still asleep. I knew you were bonding, the soft skin of his cheek against your lip, his fresh baby scent, a hint of the orange baby wash I used. You kneeled and helped Maddy put the straps of the dinosaur backpack on your shoulder. You untied the wool sweater around your waist- sometimes, like today you look like a handsome Ivy League college student. Did you do that on purpose? Or, was it the New England wealth and conservatism - your family's political allegiance, one you didn't slide into the way jack had but despite your individuation from your family- your hatred towards you lo longer bothered to disguise. I liked this look on you: the Khakis and oxford cloth suits. The wool sweaters. The loafers.

It was a beautiful day. The kind of day in DC that is warm and brings home. The yellow light of fall, warm sunshine and crisp leaves, turning color. The smell of autumn -what is it? It was the same in Massachusetts? Muddy, but not the fresh grass scent of spring, not the hay humid pollen of summer. Fall in DC, shades long from the northern light that moves us into Winter.

You take Maddy's hand but she pulled it away (now she takes chances challenging you or fussing, not so afraid of losing you again) She runs back to the sand area.

"Her dolls" I said with dry sarcastic insight.

"This will take a while" I heard some content babbles from under the stroller. Alexander was still but you bent over and lifted him out of the stroller. Once out of his cozy restraint, he squirmed and you were unwittingly tricked into supporting him with both hands as he stood, shaker legs trying to walk, one foot in front of the other. But you stayed close, a kind of pacing.

"Are you prepared -physically- for our little toddler" I asked.

You nod but helplessly and somehow Alex lets you lift him and sit down next to me on the bench.

How do we look Edward? Like every other privileged parents? Sitting here with our expensive stroller, our beautiful children. How do we look? Normal, enviable? Who would envy me Edward? I'm on an island now and yet I'm not so naive any more. Not you. Not infidelity. That is less certain than my deep knowledge of how fragile my sanity is. Certainly another pregnancy and I would kill myself - maybe the children too. I don't even shudder at the thought because somewhere deep inside me I remember the logic of this psychotic narrative. I am waiting until all the poison is gone and I can be myself and maybe forget and move on from this frightening truth.

You smile 'what are you thinking?" As if I am what I look like I am.

You? You look masculine yet helpless under the will of your children. The same way you had when Maddy was a newborn. Your pacing for hours, her only quiet against your bare chest.

"Hey," you say to me, turn your eyes up from Alex to me. I notice the faintest outline of your feature under the green lenses.

"Hey" I teased you.

"you're so darned cute" you say.

"Hmmm"

'you want to come with us?"

I did want to I still loved you and had that god awful attraction. Yet, a new apprehension was emerging. I think it was the availability of my feelings in recent weeks. I was protected from vulnerability or fear of being hurt again. I looked up at you.

"What is it?" You asked. You could see the change in me, how deep feelings were.

The feelings grow so strong that I want to meander, Edward. The way I did during the worst of it -as when Dr.Antol says-when I dissociate. Daydream about our love affair. It isn't such a bad place to exit into. Our trips to Europe and the Virgin Islands. Our trip to Thailand. Maybe that's what I'l do this afternoon, meander on a hike. Revisit our love affair and trace these years from Georgetown-yes, we found each other as strangers- I do believe that. I didn't associate you with your family, particularly not with Jack. I am get stuck there too-with him and those three innocent summers- you a flash, a ghost that appeared so occasionally that I never really thought of you as part of your family. It was Jack, your mother, and me. So occasional were you and your father that you left little impression. Or, maybe that's not true maybe both of you left an impression but I didn't care. I could go back to those days too, back to before your father attacked me. Drugged me or whatever he did to get me out to the ocean that night, that clear amnesia in the vast darkness of the night sky - no moon visible or such a sliver of a crescent that the water was foreboding: deep and black.

"Why don't you, Annie?" You press"I miss you so God damned much."

I didn't expect that.

"Please?"

Plastic clanked and thumped as Maddy tried to navigate the doll stroller full of stuffed animals over the wood chips back to us. She looked like a little grandma.

"You just want a back up crew for these little terrorist." I joked. It sounded more cynical than I meant but you got me. You always get me.

"yeah—" you said trying to start a repartee.

"I would but I have a bet with a bookie that you'll come back tattered—they'll win."

"A bookie?" You laughed. Then quiet, your eyes looking right into mine. This is how truth is...Your eyes. Mine. We connect.

"No?"

I shrug. "You're going to think I'm really weird I was thinking of a hike on [place] and daydream- reminisce- about our vacations. The first few years. I don't know why—"

You remove your sunglasses. "That's so sweet, Annie." Then you say "we could take the kids. Hike. Reminiss together?"

I wait. You know I want this Edward. You know I want you. I want to start our little family on new ground. I this.

"Do you want to get back together?"

You stared at me and it felt almost awkwardly long. You remove your sunglasses and keep your eyes on me. "I do. Yes, Annie. I do."

I smile. "I do too."

"Thank you for waiting."

Maddy stood before us, frowning.

"What's the matter peanut?"

"Ralf"

"Ralf?" You look at me "who's Ralf?" You mouth the words because you-like me-sense this teetering of emotions. Maddy was frustrated.

"Who's Ralf," I admonish you. I admonish you.

"she's been kidnapped." Maddy said.

"you laugh."

When I look over to the sand area I see a large fat baby. Ralf is right beside him. The baby doesn't seem to notice Ralf but then I see a toddler next to him and just as I notice her, she picks up Ralf and puts her in a pail and begins shoveling sand over her.

"She's burying her alive."

You raise your eyebrows.

"We have to do something."

I start to get up but she takes your hand and you pass Alexander off to me. He presses his face against mine. His kisses.

[add notes from little note pad]

We place the kids in the car and drive to ___. I was already wearing running shoes and shorts. You always kept yours in the car.

We got to the trail and moved the kids into the jogging stroller. A double, side by side. That's why we chose this park, the trail wide enough for them and us to walk side by side. Still, it was lovely and felt like an escape into nature despite being practically in the middle of an urban metropolis. Maddy tried hard to stay away but luckily they were sleepy and after a burst of excitement Maddy settled in next to Alex and gave in to a nap. The sunny afternoon slumber lulled I'm sure by the sound of the rubber tires on the dirt trail and the sound of our voices, hopeful and calm.

"So how is it done?"

"What?" I feel a little vulnerable. I don't know why.

"Day dream about our trips, happy times."

You are my friend Edward and I remember it. I don't feel so vulnerable anymore. I laugh. "you're a writer—you're telling me you don't know how to daydream?"

You turn to me and smile. "I can't ever anticipate the things you say."

"I've been thinking about the bedroom lately." I stop and look at you as if it's an earnest convession—and it is I suppose. I want to finish the bedroom.

"oh." You say.

"I was thinking if we get back tohether—no pressure—"

You laugh.

"If things work out we should just do it. Rennovate the last room."

You stop so I do too.

"No?" I ask.

"We are back together Annie."

I feel myself return completely. He is not necessary for me to live or to have an identity but he is essential to me. There under the dappled light of maples and oak—the air hot but a little cooler underneath the trees. "really?" I ask.

"Really" you say. "If you want to."

"I always wanted to."

"I know. Me too."

I let out a breath, move closer to you, one hand on the stroller handle keeping it steady. I kiss you and lean my head against your shoulder. I know it's probably not true but I feel as if I can feel your heart beating against mine and they are in unison. That we are one. I let out a breath and step back, turn to the stoller. We start walking as if nothing happened as if this has been one path together, not the split, not separate dirrections. The road is straight now.

Our running shoes make a hushed crunch as we push our way along the path.

"I'm thinking Czech—this is crazy I know but I found some inspiration pictures."

"Czech?" You ask. "I am not sure what you mean—like clean lines—functional."

"No. I've been looking at castles in Prague. I'm thinking more of the architectural aesthetic. It's medical-some of the same elements as Alexander's room. Maybe some stone? Not sure how that would work. The Prague castle has ribbed vaulting. So beautiful. We'd have to see it in person and then consult with Lucy. I'm afraid we'd have to open up the ceiling but it wouldn't be so crazy because we're on third floor anayway"

You take on the analytic look I recognize from our previous design planning. You nod.

"Can you picture it?"

"Not yet but I like the idea of ribbed vaulting—the ceilings are high though why would we have to?"

"Maybe we wouldn't — you have to see pictures of the Vladislav Hall at the Prague Castle. It's Gothic but it's clean, almost contemporary. It's so beautiful and we could do something with plaster. I'll show you when we get home."

"i think we should do."

"Home?"

"to Prague."

I can feel my heart leap. "I do too!"
"you know, Maddy would love to visit castles."

I smile at you and nod.

"I kind of thing we should call Lucy."

I laugh. "i do too."