Slater's Beach, Massachusetts - 2006

Every year a week or two before the end of summer when the houses are closed up for winter, the Slater's Beach inhabitants have a clam bake. It's out on the beach and although they have ample staff always at hand to do the work and manual jobs, the men and their sons dig the deep hole in the sand for the clam bake. The kids and those interested comb the beach early in the morning for rocks, seaweed, and wood. The entire ritual is overseen by the dads and up until this year Antoinette's aunt - Mary Grace oversaw the herb butter and managed ordering the lobsters, scallops, clams. This year Carol, Antoinette, and I made the calls and arranged for the food to be delivered and stored in the two freezers at Mary Grace's main house.

Carol eyed me from time to time communicating what a chatterbox she found Antoinette to be. After we made the calls for the seafood Carol asked Antoinette and me to go into town and purchase the corn, Portuguese sausage, rolls. She had Jack go into town to the liquor store with a long list.

Antoinette and I get into Edward's Jeep.

"Where's Edward."

"He's at my house. Writing. He's working on a novel."

"Do you read your writing to each other?"

She looked at me. "I've read his."

She started the car and I watched the muscles of her tanned, toned calf as she eased up on the clutch. Everything about Antoinette was alluring. I didn't think of her in a sexual way, although that's how guys saw her. But, to me she was different than anyone I'd known. I felt so connected to her and given her personality and the openness and confidence she had I thought maybe it was one sided. Maybe everyone thought Antoinette really liked them.

"Why not yours?" I pulled my sunglasses out of my canvas purse. One mom had gotten me at one of the yard sales she and dad had visited that summer in one of their excursions to Maine.

"That's cute!" She said. The lobsters, it's retro. 80s, right?

I nodded. "How come Edward doesn't read yours?" I opened a pack of gum—"want some?"

"Yes...pleeeasssee. It's not the he doesn't. I just don't want to share my stories with guys right now."

"Guys? Why not?"
"It's very feminist." She flip the turn signal on and as she did a silver charm bracelet jingled. "Guys don't like that shit, right?"

"That's so pretty." I said. "you're bracelet"

She held it up and shook it. little. "It's from Edward."

"Oh I love it."

"I actually asked him to come to Spain with me."

There's a long pause between us and for some reason I feel uncomfortable exploring this disclosure. She's at a stop sign looking both ways. Before she pulls forward she looks at herself in the rear view mirror "Oh God, my hair looks like I just fell out of bed, right?" She adjusted her full dark hair. It had a natural healthy bounce. It was long but moved as model's as if it had been quaffed, styled, and sprayed and the ocean breeze was a a fan for a photograph the would be perfect. She applied lipstick. "Yeah. I don't think he will" she finally revealed.

"He won't? Why not? He's crazy if he doesn't"

She laughs "That's what I told him!"

She lets off the break and we start into town. I wish we could keep driving somewhere. Spend the day together. She's leaving in just a few days and other than jack she's the first person I've met in a while that I had such a strong connection with. Likely I'd never see her agin.

"Why not?"

"He's in graduate school. He's kind of...you know how he is, right? I mean I think for him it was fun for the summer-especially in the beginning. It was secretive and we kind of played the old Bronte novel thing. That dynamic, you know?"
"I don't, really."

"You know like he's nobility and I'm servant class—"

It made me feel suddenly exposed. I had sort of looked down on Antoinette at first -as if I was from the same wealth as the Clarks', as if I were anyone to really cast judgement. I didn't like the reminder of how I must have acted towards Antoinette when she'd started working for Carol at the beginning of the summer. Her having to wear a white uniform and check in with us before she went home at night, us all under blankets on the screened porch, a movie in the dvd player. Her refilling our drinks and throwing one last log on the fire. Carol's saccharine gratitude but nearly always one last request for something. "Antoinette dear would you go out to the garage and re-stock the sodas for tomorrow?" As if Antoinette or the other girl Nadine wouldn't be at the house in the morning preparing breakfast. Or "Antoinette you are such dear. I really do appreciate your help this summer." Me, there too under a wool blanket, probably costing more than Antoinette makes in a week. I hadn't even noticed her exquisite beauty until the other day when I went to her place, got high, talked with her. Now Antoinette in all her gorgeousness was an entirely different person. But back then, I sort of ignored her, feeling only tinges of hypocrisy and guilt.

"Oh yeah. He's the black sheep. That' family's got some problems—they're kind of weird right?"

Suddenly I felt very defensive and protective of the Clarks'

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't mean this the wrong way but I guess since you're with Jack, it's harder to notice maybe? And they're snobs. Not only that. Edward thinks it's really weird that Mr. Clark is around so much this summer. He's little intimidating to say the least, right?" We were at another stop sign and this time she she removed her bracelet and handed it to me. "Check it out. It's so pretty right?"

"yes." I said as I took the bracelet from her.

"Why do you say they're so weird?"

"I'm not saying this because I work for them. I am a writer so I watch people. They have so many secrets that are so obvious and yet—sometimes I think the they must see how obvious it is."

I really didn't like the direction of the conversation. Not just because I didn't like the way Antoinette was talking about Jack and his family but also it was making me less enamored with Antoinette.

"you never came to slater's beach before this year?"

"I didn't mean anything by it."

"No. I know. I don't care."

"It was rude. I'm sorry."

I turned my attention to her bracelet. It was still warm from her skin and I could feel the sunscreen on the chain. "this is so pretty Antoinette."

"I know, right? He got it for me when he went to the cape. There's an artisan there —it's so pretty I feel like jewelry like this—I mean honestly I'll honestly remember him. Do you ever feel like that?"

"What?"
"Like you've met someone that will be one of those people that stay in your consciousness become an archetype? Anyway, it's so cute that he thought of me and picked it out. It's perfect too because of the sea shells and fish. Really cute and I like the way silver looks against a tan."

"Hey want to drive and get a coffee before we go to the store?"

"Yeeesssss." She crooned. Believe it or not I'd rather be out here than back at the house - they're going to have us collecting rocks and wood—as if that's fun. Really, the clam bake is fun but nobody like carrying heavy stones.

"The kids do." I said.

"yes, but really they only carry a little. We'd still have to do a lot of the heavy lifting." She paused and lit a cigarette. "Want one."

"No thanks."

"So yeah, he doesn't want to come to Spain. It's probably -I mean in the end- for the best. I am kind of a free soul, if you know what I mean but — I don't know Annie. It started as just some fun but then, now I kind of really like him."

"You guys seem good together." It was all I could think of because Edward seemed so stiff and judgmental to me.

"his writing really is good. I mean of course it would be. He's in graduate school and — I don't know I keep having his fantasy that we are in Spain in an apartment, maybe I would take a semester off and we'd just—that's where writers get their material, right? Have you been to Spain?"

"no."

"it is so romantic. You should visit me."

"Ok."

"i'll be there for two more years. I think. Although I'm kind of the "live life" type and I'e seriously considered backpacking through the middle east."

"The middle east?"

"Yes, my friend went through Nepal and then back through Egypt" Antoinette laughed and I loved studying her expressions and gestures s she talked. I noticed for the first time the she was wearing one of Edward's t-shirts. She had on jean shorts, a nantucket t-shirt. Big-really big- sunglasses and I could see her orange bathing suit straps peeking through under the collar of the shirt. I suddenly felt very protective of her. I didn't like to see how easily she revealed her vulnerability, her feelings for Edward. The Edward I knew -hardly knew- was aloof and arrogant. She laughed again " I swear to God Annie my friend came back and was a completely different person. She was so much smarter and I think just understanding the America is not the only viewpoint is so so important. Do't you think? Have you traveled?"

"A little. My family took me to Mexico and a lot of road trips. Then I went to St. Tomas with the Clarks' I want to go to Europe."
"yes, you should. You should definitely come visit me."

"Did you ever come to Slaters when you were little?"

"Oh yeah. A few times but my dad's a professor and we'd be in different places for a couple of years at a time. A lot of people are like , oh I feel bad that you moved around so much."

"I don't."

"I don't either. I really liked it. I learned to have a flexible outlook. You know?"
I laughed.

She looked at me and smiled. Then we both laughed.

That night Jack and I sat watching the bonfire. The night was so pretty black and the stars were abundant. More abundant than any where I've seen outside of the private beach community. The houses were so far back and through the dunes the the glowing lights in the house and on the patios did not reach the darkness of the beach. If you turned in one direction, you could see the town far in the distance, but even at that the way the levy curved and hugged the shore line on the private road to Slaters from the beach, only the pale yellow lights of the bridge were visible. I didn't look north towards town though. I looked straight ahead, across the fire at Antoinette and beyond her at the ocean. By this time all the adults had gone back to their residences and it was just a handful of the young adults. The teens would pop back to the fire pit and grab a couple more beers or a brownie and then disappear again back towards the shore. Their voices diminished quickly and then were inaudible in moments as they ventured out and scattered like shells as the tide retreats.

I saw Edward and Antoinette making out.

"Did you have fun?" Jack whispered in my ear.

I nodded. I was leaning back against his shoulder .He adjusted, spread the blanket that was around his shoulders and we lay down looking up at the moon. "It's pretty he said and his lips felt cool as he leaned forward and kissed my lips."

"I love you." I said.

"I love you too. I'm glad your'e here."

We sat for moment and Jack closed his eyes. The fire crackled and it felt warm where the heat touched my skin. My face and hands were warm and my legs a little chilled where the blanket didn't reach. I turned on my side and watched Antoinette and Edward.

I wished she'd let me read her stories. I thought about how they might be feminist as she said. I looked at her in all her casual glamour. She was my age so Edward was two years older than her. I wondered why he wouldn't want to go to Spain and have the exciting life? He had so much money what difference did it make if he took a year or two off from school.

"Did you know that I went out with Antoinette today?"

"No" Jack whispered without opening his eyes. "You did? Was it fun?"

"I really like her."

"my mom can't stand her."

It stung when he said it. "I didn't realize didn't realize that. Why?"

"She really doesn't like anyone my dad knew growing up."

"Who did he know."
"You know from Slater's beach. Her mom."

"Oh her mom's from Slaters beach?"

"the town. Year round."

"Her mom was from Westport and her aunt from slaters?"

"I guess."

"Why is she working for you?"
"She probably wants to make some money."

"She told me the she and Edward used to pretend they were in a Victorian novel."

Jack laughs a small laugh. I don't have to look t him to know he's shaking his head. "That' guys a freak."