Georgetown, Washington DC - 2013

We were in a bar called Penny's -despite the diner sounding name it was a pretty typical pub with a sports bar in the front - big screen tvs and a long bar — antique polished finished with an expansive mirror against the back where all the liquor was. The ceiling was coffered, that same deep mahogany and planks of a formal, lighter wood—maybe maple. It smelled a little spicy and it always made me think that at one time—a long time ago—gentlemen smoked pipes here. It was kind of a ghostly fingerprint. The back of the bar was wider open—maybe part of a dance hall that had been divided and sectioned off split between to adjacent businesses. There was a small area in the back where I've seen bands play, mostly local jazz or an occasional acoustic performance. During the day I come here often as they serve cheap lunch deals and it' pretty empty so I can study. Then, at night like this night it slowly gets really crowded back herewith or without the music.There are booths along each wall. My roommate Maura and I are sitting at a booth and our other "musketeer" Alicia is at the bar getting another pitcher. Another.I've only had one beer and there were several other girls who'd met us here earlier, for a "study group" and we'd had a couple of pitchers. Alicia and I were both design majors, Maura was too. She was studying cognitive science. We'd been roommates in our freshman dorm and now Alicia lives with her girlfriend in a big shared house with several other housemates. Maura and I have our own little apartment in Southwest. It's a kind of cheap place, one of those box 1970s carpeted places with nondescript rooms. There's a balcony that we'd planned on making an "outdoor" space for the warm months but we never did. It's still the storage space for our bikes and outdoor crap.

I looked up and saw Maura heading back towards us with a pitcher, foamy full to the top. The room was already getting crowded and the group moved in a sort of collective sway as she headed back towards us, holding out one hand and gently people to clear the path. I could see her saying something to warn them she was behind them—coming through or something like that. The room had grown loud and there was a juke box in the back that played 70s and 80s music. The foundations were playing "now that I found you I can't let you go." A couple of really drunk girls were screaming the lyrics but even they were almost indistinguishable from the din and roar.

"Annie" Maura was trying to get my attention. Suddenly Alicia was already at the table. "Push over so she can get in." I scooted over and Alicia slid in next to me. Maura moved over too and a guy slid in.

"I want to introduce you to someone Annie." Alicia said. When I looked up -at first- I recognized but could not place him. Immediately I realized it was Edward. "This is Edward Clark," Alicia said. "I asked him to join us..."
"Oh I know Edward," I said. I was more friendly and affectionate than I meant to be. I guess I had been emboldened by the beer I'd had or maybe just comfortable with my best friends.

Edward smiled.

"Beer?" I asked. It was a general question. Edward held up his hand to gesture no. Then with the other he lifted a gin and tonic. "I'm good." I didn't wait for my friends to answer, I just poured them and myself.

"How do you?" Maura asked.

"how do you guys know each other?" Alicia said this time directing her question to Edward.

I made an exaggerated quizzical look and then said "should you tell them or should I?" I was teasing.

He laughed out loud and either choked on his drink or made it seem like he did.

"What?"Alicia laughed.

"I'm just kidding. I was friends with his brother when I was a teenager."
"Friends?" Maura said. She'd known me since my freshman year when Jack and I broke up. "Who -a boyfriend? Jack?" She asked. Then I grew quiet. Let out a breath. "yeah."
Maura didn't notice my tone changed. "Really? You're Jack's brother" Maura asked.

"Yeah." He said.

I wanted to change the subject. "How do you and Alicia know each other?"

He took a sip of his drink and kept his eyes on me while he did.

"Sorry," I said. "I was joking. I didn't mean to—"

"No." He said. "I got it."

"So you guys know each other pretty well?"
"No." I answered. I wasn't thinking but it was honest. I never felt like I knew him at all.

He looked amused "no?"

I shook my head. "did we?"

"Hmmm" Alicia said. "Well, we're just friends. How did we meet?" She scrunched up her nose and looked at him then took a sip of beer.

Edward stretched a little "a party—through Tomas Neil."

"Who's that?" I asked.

"he's from that literary club I told you about."

"Are you guys dating?" I asked.

'Noooo Annie...I would have told you wouldn't I? I just saw Edward and the bar and invited hm to sit with us."

"Well I don't know," I said. "Anyway, it's good to see you. How are you?"

"Good. It'a really good to see you Annie."

"Why did I think you graduated?"
"I'm in graduate school."

"Oh. Are you still a writer?"
"I am."

Alicia and Maura were talking but I was examining Edward. That was it.The connection. The moment. When I met the real Edward. [he sits with us the rest of the time we were there] When we got up to put on our coats Alicia suggested breakfast at...

'No." I said "you guys go I've got class at 8." I was feeling the beer but only a little. I wasn't one to get too drunk. Once the feeling-the alcohol induced euphoria set in I usually stopped drinking."

"Edward?" Maura asked, inviting him to join them.

"No. I should go back too. Annie can I walk with you?"

I wanted to walk with him. This new attraction—something. But I also felt a shiver, a cold reminder of something I'd buried. I didn't want anything dredged up, that panic. I knew my body feeling chilled was the first sign of it. I was scared.

"Yes, of course. I'm going to ___."

"I'm going that way too."

"What a great coincidence!" Alicia teased, seeing something obvious.

We got outside and the air was icy; it was freezing. I looked up at the black night—a space pattern of stars-the DC lights- drowning out most of the celestial [word]. "It's going to snow, I think," I said and when I did condensation wafted above me with each word.

Edward washed me. I pulled my mittens up, a habit that didn't make my hands warmer except to remind me that they were covered in heavy knitted wool.

"It's really cold, huh?" Them I looked at him. "Why are you looking at me like that?" I laughed. "I can not believe you are still at Georgetown and I have never run into you."

"Graduate school. It's my last year."
"Here let' walk" I suggested. "Did you finish that novel you were writing?"

"I had to. It was my thesis."

"Are you writing another?"

He nodded. "Annie it's good to see you. I was going to look you up. I wanted to talk to you."

There it is. The panic. It was almost a nausea and it a droning started in my brain. I rubbed my muffled hands together. "It's cold huh?"

There was a flash on something. The night on the beach. It's always there I think. It's always just there, the breaking surf at my feet. Like in the dream I sometimes have. Don't look back. The evil whisper. Then Edward. Oh Fuck then Edward, the silhouette int he distance, in the night.

"What was it about?" I asked.

"Well, I wanted to talk about—"

"No. I mean your book."

Edward kept his eyes on me for a long moment. I studied his face. He looks more masculine than Jack ever did. Probably because he's older. Maybe Jack looks less like a teenager and more like a man by now too. Or maybe it's just Edward. What I'd seen as aloof and a little judgmental was just an even, earnest confidence.

"No?"

"No what?" I asked. We turned the corner and I could feel the wet pavement starting to ice. The crunch...

"You don't want to talk about it."

"Oh God," I feigned silliness because I didn't have any other options. "We're almost home. Look it's snowing. Look up at the streetlights." I know I was acting childish but I hoped the beer was an excuse and not the truth.

He reached in his pocket and retrieved a cigarette from a near empty pack.

"Want one?"

"I shook my head- he lit a match, cupped his hand as the cigarette tip started to glow. He blew out the match with his first drag.

I felt flirtatious. "See? I would have never taken you for a smoker."

"No?"
"No. It's really bad for you."

He laughed. "you're so cute."

"my place is here. Up there." I pointed to the 1960s square box apartment building that looked completely out of place in this neighborhood.

"I only smoke sometimes, after I drink or—"

"Or?"

He acted embarrassed "Annie...no...that's not what I meant."

"What was it about?"

"Aren't you cold."
"yeah, but I like talking to you. I feel like we're old friends—even though. I mean we weren't. Let's hang out while you finish your cigarette. What was your book about. Your novel? The thesis?"
"It was really stupid Annie."

"I'll bet it wasn't."

"No really it was."

"Why?"
"It was a highjacked Holden Cauffiled—catcher in the rye. I mean not deliberately."

"i'll bet it was good. More just youth—there is a universal aspect to it. That's why Catcher in the Rye resonated with so many people. It goes the other way too."

"What other way?"

"Well, expression of being a teenager—that time."

He nodded. "What about you? What have you been up to?"
"This is my last year."

"Are you going to grad school?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm sick of school. I'm going to apprentice at an architecture firm here."

"Really? Not going back to Massachusetts?"
"there it was again. That panic. I don't think he Wass referencing that night on the beach. I realized even though I was curious about Edward, this mine field would be too much to pursue a friendship. "No. I really like it here. Such a different energy."

" I grew up here."

I laughed. He'd forgotten the old me just like I'd him. "I know you did. Don't you remember the girl who was always hanging around with your brother and mother?"

He nodded, seemed serious. "I know. I keep forgetting you're the same Annie. For some reason I didn't think of that Annie."

"Well I didn't forget I knew you." I smiled again "You were really unforgettable. Enigmatic."

"Oh yeah?"

Suddenly I felt bad that I hadn't asked about Jack. I shut off any feelings for him after the night on the beach. The whole ordeal and all reminders had to be surgically removed from my life. Otherwise it would be a complete destruction of my world and future. At least for a while and in that while I had other plans and as I pursued them I realized —unconsciously— that I could be successful being happy without it being dealt with in any way. And I have friends who process "trauma" and have complex ptsd and I'm not mocking them but I really don't. I really don't have problems with intimacy or school. No drinking problems. Nothing. So my strategy works for me. But, here we are and if I don't ask about Jack then it will be weird.

"How's Jack."

"Good I think.:

I nod.

"you don't talk to him? Not even facebook?"

"No" I shook my head. I avoided his gaze. I was still gauging the length of his cigarette how much time we had left. There was a slight yearning that I didn't recognize. I was really dreading saying good night. The idea that this chance encounter would be over and then we would not see each other again. It wasn't a reunion but a strong curiosity and comfort. It was an attraction that I knew would allow me the strength to accept the unpredictable "triggers" to the night. He was hardly the same guy I knew as my boyfriend's brother. Things were too serious. Then, I suddenly remembered the night he kissed me. Just unexpected kissed me.

"Hey" I slapped him on the arm affectionately.

He laughed "Hey what? Why are you hitting me?"

"Do you remember the time you kissed me?"
"The time I kissed you?"

"Come on."

"maybe."

"that night Karl died?"

"Karl Marx the dog?"

"Yes. Karl Marx the dog. Who else?"

'There's a lot of Karl Marx's he joked."

I stared at him. Feigned shock. He put the cigarette out on the ground then put the but and the match into the cellophane. When he stood back up. "yeah. I remember. That scene even appears in my book."

"Really?"

He nodded. "Not that I was pining or anything."

"Why did you do that then?"

"i'm not sure."

"I remember I was like "what just happened" it was out of no where."

'you kissed me too."

"I know I did." I let out a breath. "I wasn't pining either' I said

"I know."

"Can I say something weird?"

He nods.

"Your family was like that—weird boundaries. Just as soon as I said it I felt the panic start to interrupt my breathing. "Oh sit. I should go."

"It's ok to say that."

'I know." The panic was unexpected and why that one particular comment hit me hard I don't know. "I know." I acted the way I wanted top feel. unaffected, cavalier. "I know. I'd invite you up for a drink or tea to warm up but it's late and I have an early class- a critique." I made an exaggerated frown.

He laughed. "looks like you don't like critiques."

I laughed too. "it was so good to see you."

"Ok. Well I'm glad I ran into you."

There's that feeling again. Not wanting time with Edward to end.

"This is it?" He asks. The wind has picked up and the snow falling harder and faster. Light snowflakes. It may accumulate enough that classes would be canceled or at least delayed. I suppressed the strong urge to use this as an excuse to hang out more.

You point to my building. "I'll watch you get in safety."

"It's right there. But that's nice of you."

"ok." He said.

"Ok." I said. I started walking down the path to the glass doors of the lobby. The elevators were visible from the outside. Would he watch me get into the elevator.

then I heard him, "Hey" he ran up to me, an awkward jog to avoid falling on the snowy pavement.

He stood in front of me. "Hey want to meet up sometime—when we're not in the snow. So we can talk?"

"Yeah," I smiled. "I do —when?"

He looked around at the accumulation snow. "Classes will probably be canceled or delayed tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I laughed.

"too soon?"

"No. I was thinking the same thing."

"When and where?"

"How about noon? If I have class i"l get out at 11:30."

"Great!" He said.

"No classes?" I asked.

"No. I'm just writing...this last semester. And teaching—assistant."

"ok." He said.

"ok." I smiled. "Is this like a date?"

"I don't know."

I felt stupid. All that elation and what I thought was flirtation.

"Sure. I mean. I'd like to catch up with you—I mean. I was thinking of contacting you."

"Why?" Back to the old me. Not the girl attracted to him.

"About the night on the beach Annie."

This time it didn't trigger me back to the night, the panic was absent. I felt more embarrassed about being attracted to him.

"oh." I said. "I guess it is weird. The accident on the beach. I don't remember anything but that I went swimming and —that you found me. It was stupid. I was drunk."

"Is that what you remember Annie? Is that what you think?"

There it was. The panic but this time it was terror. It was such strong terror that I turned and reached for the door.

"Annie," he said. But my ears were ringing. My heart was racing.

I felt his hand on my arm. "Annie. Sorry. Did I freak you out."

I was breathing heavily and felt faint. I felt like I was losing oxygen.

"Annie."

I was back. No. I'm fine. "I thought you were asking. Me o a date. I feel stupid." This was easier than the truth.

He looked at me and slowly examined my face.

"That's weird right?" I asked.

He reached a hand and touched my hair. "There is so much snow in you hair." He laughed.

"Look at your jacket—the snow" I whispered.

"Yes. Let's make it a date."

"Oh my God." I teased. "A sympathy date?"

He laughed "you're so damned cute." He said

"here high five" I said and held up my hand. Instead he took my hand and pulled me closer. "Cute. cute. cute." He whispered.

I moved and leaned closer and kissed him. "you're cute." I said.

The next day it was altogether different. More relaxed and familiar. It did feel like a date. I was worried that I'd feel less connected or close to him without the alcohol, that we would be stilted and it would feel something like the distance we'd felt years ago on the rare occasion that we were at the family house at the same time.

"Still freezing." He said.

"And snowy." I said.

"Still had class though?"

"Yup."

We were walking to the coffee shop.

"how did the critique go?" He asked.

"That's crazy that you remembered. It was ok. I actually hate critiques. I think it totally squelches my enthusiasm and I just think those doing the critiques are a bunch of assholes—even if it's people I like"

"Why?"

"I guess I'm insecure—no. that's not true. It's because being in the role of critiquing someone's work makes people pretentious—myself included."

"I can't see you as pretentious in any way, shape, or form."

"Well, give me something to critique." I smiled, then "You're sweet. You only know me as your little brother's girlfriend—always trying to win your mom's faor. I guess she doesn't like me too much now though. I left Jack pretty abruptly."

He shrugs "I honestly wouldn't know."

"You're not that close to them?"

He shook his head. "No."

"I always thought it was just that you were kind of cool. Especially that last summer. With Antoinette. Hey! You guys aren't still together are you?"

He laughed and shook his head. "no. I'm not with anyone. I told you that last night."

"No you didn't. God, I kind of think you should have stayed with Antoinette." I took a long sip of coffee. "There are no girls like Antoinette."

"you like her?"

"Yes. Very much."

"What about you? Are you seeing anyone?"

"no. not really."

"Not really? Then yes?"
"no. honestly." I fumbled in my bag to see if I had one of those little honey sticks I usually carry with me. I like honey in my coffee and [add]

"I'll get it."

"oh thanks. I'm just looking for these honey sticks I like for my coffee—got one. No. I'm not dating anyone. I was seeing this guy for a while—that's why I said not really. It's been a while and I really liked him — but not really liked him and at some point I just didn't want to go through the motions."

"Go through the motions?"

"I don't mean—it never progressed that far but I mean it was tedious. Thanks for buying the breakfast."

"you'll get it next time."

"Next time? hmmm"

We sat there for three hours. One coffee after another. French fries. salad. I liked his company so much and I didn't want us to end the date. I did't want to stop talking with him. It was a strange yearning: a familiarity and a desire.

"God. It's so weird isn't it?" I asked "the whole DC thing is different than Massachusetts."

"I grew up in DC."

I gently slapped his arm—"you told me that last night. I knew where you grew up."

"I don't know why I keep forgetting. I feel like I just met you."

"it is different."

"I don't know though—your experiences in Massachusetts were so different than mine."

"Still New England is New England."

The thought of Antoinette resurfaced and I had a game memory of Edward and her together at that little beach cottage. I really liked Antoinette. I still drink cucumber water.

"Do you think you were in love with Antoinette."

"What's this interest in Antoinette. Honestly, I hardly knew her. I only dated her for a month at the most."

"you weren't in love with her?"

"No. Not at all—I really liked her."

"She was funny and smart. Totally exciting. I went over to that cottage one day and there she was, writing in her journal, sunbathing with no clothes on. I don't know what it was—you really were't in love with her?"

"I don't really fall in love easily Annie."

"When was the last time?"

"Actually, I don't think I've really been in love."

"how is that possible? - have you had any long term relationships? Serious ones?"
He shrugged. "Two years was the longest. Yeah it was serious. I think I brought her to the house or the beach. I think I did."

"How old were you?"

He shrugged—yeah maybe it was after you and Jack broke up. You stare at me for a long moment.

"you want to ask me right? Was I in love with Jack?"

"Were you?"

"I was only 16."

"But you were together what 3 years? You broke up what a year ago?"

"I don't want to say anything to put Jack down."

"i'm not making fun of it Annie." He was sincere but then he pressed "but you just interrogated me."

I laughed. "Ok. Honestly I was't in love with him. I really don't think you can fall in love at 16 - do you?"

"Sure."

"Well, he was my best friend for a long time. I loved him but I wasn't in love with him."

Edward nodded.

"Then, it just didn't work after—"

"After..."

I knew where the conversation was headed. The real reason or his initial motivation for wanting to see me.

"i can't." I said.

"Can't?"

"Can't talk about it."

'Sure. Ok. Let's —I just thought since it was so traumatic that you —we were both there and I know I wanted to talk to someone about it. No. That's not true. I wanted to talk to you about it."

"Well, I don't want to and if that's why you—I really don't want to."

"Ok. I'm sorry. I won't." He looked so stunned and concerned.

"Is that ok, Edward?"

"of course."
"We don't have to Annie. If it's too hard. We don't have to meet up or hang out any more—if it's too hard. "

That sent my feelings in another direction. "I want to. I want to see you again."

"me too."

"Edward, I don't think about Jack or your family at all when I'm talking with you. It's like I'e met someone completely new."

"I do a little" he confessed. "If I'm honest I know Jack would be hurt."

"We could be just friends. Besides, you know how things are when you first meet someone. You think you're attracted to them and then you start dating and realize you don't like each other at all."

Edward laughed out loud "what do you mean?"

"it would save us the trouble if we just stayed friends but spent time together."

"I kind of want to see you again soon."

"Me too like how soon?."

"Now?"

"Another date right now?"

"Want to go to the museums?"

"Do you think they're open in the snow?"
'We could see?"

I was so excited and happy. "You know another idea—rather staying friends to avoid realizing we aren't attracted to each other—we could squeeze all our dates together and then if we don't like each other we'd find out sooner. That save time."

"yeah, because probably if this attraction goes away we may not want to be friends any way."

"Good point. We could have this whole thing wrapped up by tomorrow morning."

"you have a very efficient approach to love affairs."

"Thank you Edward." We stood and reached for our coats. Without hesitation, he put his arms around me and then kissed me. "I like you Annie."

'I like you too."

Three months. This is starting to feel serious. It's starting to feel legitimate and destined. Not only our time together here at Georgetown—and there's a lot of it but also two ski trips and one winter weekend on the coast. Yet, his family remains an unspoken hurdle in our relationship that neither of us want to broach. I've been with him when his mother's called twice and I felt like I was hiding under the bed as a child. That was worse when Jack called. In that case Edward took the call and quickly told Jack he'd call him back. I should feel guilty but I don't. I feel dread over having to see them again. Neither of us mention his father. I know the contempt for Mr. Clark is a rift he nor I will try to repair; or at least I think that.

Besides his family, it's mostly really good. Being with him is different because he is not arrogant or manipulative. His honesty, his groundedness feels overwhelming sometimes because it forces me to recalibrate and express things I'd rather let float by or even let be pulled out to sea. The big thing, though, I've made clear is a game changer. I do not want to talk at all about the night on the beach — a thing he's referred to peripherally as "trauma" or "violent." I've made it clear that there is no place for that. It's my problem — the parts he wants me to remember or "process." And ultimately it's his problem. His family.

Otherwise, things are really, really good. Maura is afraid I'll move in with him and leave her to find another roommate. But I won't. At least not yet. I have another year left at Georgetown and after I'll see what happens.

See? This is how I get. How I feel. It's only three months and yet I can't really see myself without him which I know sets me up for all kinds of hurt if we were to break up and most relationships break up. It's true. It's the first time I've fallen in love and I believe him when he says it's the first time he's fallen in love.

Edward is an entirely different man than the stranger I knew at Salter's Point. I've retraced all the interactions with him that I can remember and there are so few but I know he was there more often than what I can recall. Still, he wasn't there all that much. I've asked him why he didn't spent more time in the summer at Salters and he said he didn't really like being there. That is was incredibly tedious and stressful for him. Instead, he took trips. Europe, South America. Mexico. Not short vacations but longer trips. Then, he stayed inDC and wrote—despite the swelter. So he would visit Salters and I guess I really those days or sometimes a week. And again I would see him at "The farm" in Boston for holidays but those were so full of time with Carol cooking and sitting with Jack and Carol playing games or just reading. Edward was always in the background doing his own thing, a reminder of something wrong with the family. Mr. Clark was around even less, except for the last summer I was with Jack.

I sometimes think of that one night we kissed at his house on "the farm." What the hell was that? It really didn't hold any secret feelings for me. His family was a vacuum. They had strange relationships without boundaries. They could do things like that and no one would mention it at all. Even Edward doesn't even know why he did it. He didn't have secret feelings for me. It was the moment, the circumstance, the opportunity. In fact after he kissed me that night we drank wine or something and played cards. When Jack came home so sad over losing Karl- and losing him in that way —I guess Karl was in a lot of pain—Jack looked so sad. I was back to being Annie and everyone fell back into our roles. Edward returned to an irritated distance. His mother was doting to Jack and cool to Edward. I returned to my role in the three way dynamic that further excluded Edward.

There's also the last night at the beach—the accident. To Edward that is the centerpiece of this relationship. I wonder-although I don't really think so—but I wonder if that is why we are together. If we are bound by that and his feelings for me are contingent or solidified by the fact that he saved my life. I guess that's the one thing I don't like about our relationship. If he were anyone else we wouldn't have this dark connection. I am drawn to him and I've created a taboo between us. Still, a taboo is something at least I'm not like his family and pretending there is nothing at all there. It's there. He was innocent and earnest the first couple of times we broached the subject but not it's entirely off limits.

I am at the apartment alone. Maura is in New Jersey visiting her family for the weekend for her mother's birthday. Maura is the best friend I've ever had. She does not have any problem with Edward being around what-so-ever. Nor does she mind if I stay for days at his place. I love his place because it's so "writerly" and since he lives alone in this small upstairs flat in a victorian we can spend hours reading or getting lost in time.

The one thing we haven't done is completely had sex. I say completely because we are very intimate and attracted to one another. This is something I feel may be taboo for him as if he is so worried about hurting me. I've asked him if he's worried he will lose interest once we have sex even though I know that's not it.

"lose interest?" He always assumes a look of disbelief -exaggerated as if that couldn't be the last thing he's thinking. I don't push it though. I'm not in a super rush.

I like my apartment to myself too. Sometimes Maura goes to her boyfriend's and lately she's gone home more often. Her mother was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder and is doing better but was really sick for a while. I think it scared Maura because she'd never considered what life would be like without her mother. I'd never considered the same with my life. My mother is my rock and I don't take it for granted but going to college, thinking about the next steps, I'm just at a point in my life where I'm thinking of other things. So was Maura until her mom got sick.

All I can think of is Edward. Honestly. Some of my friends worry that my feelings are so strong I'll end up hurt. You can't really look at Edward and not think he'll hurt me. He's so good looking and wealthy. I do not think he's a player although it's really hard to believe that his flirtation and charm is only for me. It would be hard to imagine that women don't treat him that way even if he's not being charming...sort of interpret him that way because their reaction to him. I've told Maura this theory and she rolls her eyes and tells me I've got it bad. She thinks I am so infatuated that it clouds my judgment. I'll ask her, but don't you think he's gorgeous. "yes, but people are still people." "I know but gorgeous people are different than the rest of us." "Speak for yourself," she jokes. Truly she is gorgeous. Maura's mother is Irish and her father is Greek. Not Irish American or Greek American but from Ireland and Greece. Maura has large almond eyes and high cheek bones. She is the type of person who looks serious but is really open and friendly. Her serious aura comes from her eyes, I think. The way she can look into you. Her long black hair and olive skin. She looks like a model and dresses so fashionably. She always looks together and despite having grown up on the Greek Islands she seems to have adapted very well the other DC style with her wool skirts, boots, and chunky sweaters. She's the only friend I've ever had that doesn't get competitive or jealous. I am lucky to have someone so sure of himself. Edward is that way too. I hope though she isn't right that I am so blinded with infatuation that I'm wrong about how he feels about me. That's not what she's saying, of course. She says he's just as much a fool around me and it's clear we are both head over heels. It's true and I don't really know why. Sometimes I just think about thinking about him like "why do I like thinking about him so much." I think I'm trying to find an intellectual translation so I feel a little more in control but I am not in control. It's terrible. It's wonderful and it's terrible.

I haven't seen Edward in two days because of mid terms. I feel prepared enough after working on my assignments and studying art history for two days straight. My brain is completely spent. I know he's working on his novel and he has to grade papers because he's a TA in two classes. I know he's busy but here I am alone in my apartment and I just want to see him. I know beaus we haven't had sex that despite my out of control attraction, my wanting to see him is the total connection we have. Yes, attraction but there's something else that I can't really describe. It's just wanting to be around him as if now that we've found each other, a separation would be so profoundly existential. I sound completely psycho obsessed. I am not this crazy around him but there is always that yearning and desire. I hate for our dates to end. I hate when we say goodbye. I'm good about it—what else can I do? Life can't stop because you're in love with someone.

In. Love. With. Someone.

I pick up my phone and look at the texts. Nothing but that doesn't mean anything. I dial his number and he picks up right away. I smile as if this means he was thinking the same thing.

"Hi" he whispers. His voice—ok even his voice sends my heart beating.

"hi" I say. "what are you doing?"

"Tearing up the last twenty pages I'v written."

"Well, I know that's not true."

"How do you know that?"
"Because you write on a computer. Did you print pages just to tear them up."

"maybe I did."

"Maura's gone home for the weekend."

"I know she told us that before she left. Is her mom. ok?"

"Yeah I think much better. Maura just got scared when her mom was sick. She wants to be with her."

"I understand."

I leave the silence there for a moment.

"What are you doing? Still studying?":
"I'm bored." There's nothing for a moment "are you there?"

"Sorry. I just got a text."

"oh I can let you go."

"No. Don't let me go." He is affectionate but still half distracted.

"Who's texting."

"it's that guy from NYU. The one I told you about —with the teaching job."

"Oh yeah. What did he say?"

"Nothing. We've been texting back and forth."

"Are you thinking of teaching in New York."

"Not really and he just likes my writing."

"Well, I'm just bored."

'What are you doing." He's back full attention.

"nothing. seriously. My brain can't store any more knowledge."

He laughs again. "You say the funniest things. I'm afraid I'm going to accidentally borrow some of your comments in my dialogue."

"that's sweet."

He laughs again "Is it?"

"Yes, it really is. Do you know how flattered I would be to make a cameo in one of your books."
"I want to see you." He says.

"oh thank God. I miss you."

"OK. I'm coming over."

"yay! ok...have you had dinner?"

"sort of—pita and hummus."

"Should I order post mates? We can have Mexican."

"that sounds good."

"Wait. Before you hang up." I consider for a moment what I'm about to say next. "I want you to know that even since the first night we hung out—I feel a weird kind of dread when it's time for us to leave each other—it sounds so needy and I don't mean to pressure you at all—honestly I don't. If you ever want to break up I'll be fine but what I"m saying is that I think about you all the time and I want to tell you about my day or ideas I have. Sometimes I think about thinking about you like what does it mean that I"m thinking about tEdward right now.—I'm sorry I thought about telling you this for like a week and now that I've said it...now that it's out in the open it doesn't make any sense at all."

All I hear is a long slow exhale then silence on the other end.

"i'm sorry. I'm sorry to put this kind of pressure on you. I don't know why I said that."

There is still nothing.

"Are you there?"
"yeah. sorry." Another pause. "Annie. I'm in love with you too."

the wind is knocked out of me. Yes, that's what I was saying wasn't it? This indescribable feeling—this connection. "oh" I whisper. "I'm glad you said that."

"ok. I'll get ready and come over."

"Hey—I was thinking if you are ok with it I'd like to read something you've written—anything."

"you would?"

"If you don't mind."

"No Annie I would love for you to read something I've written."

I hang up and order the burritos fast. I know I only have about 20 minutes before he'll be here and I have to squeeze a shower, make up, and find an outfit. My house is sort of a mess so I have to at least clean my room. I have so much energy I know it will take half the time it ordinarily would.

There it is. We are in love with each other. We are in love with each other. So I did it. I ordered Mexican. I found an outfit (high rise jeans and a slightly cropped sweatshirt with a bra-bralettelette underneath." I washed and dried my hear so it was long and straight. I cleaned up the room and lit some candles. We talked and talked and talked. Then, after a bottle of wine we went to my room and this time was different. I was weak and dizzy and my body trembled. It was because I was in love with him. And when we made love it was that connection but more. It was a permeant, indelible experience and no matter even if we broke up he would always be the first person I fell in love with. As we held each other and a light rain hit the window next to my bed, I looked into his eyes and cried. He didn't ask me why. He knew.